WINNING WAYS

A Hamilton man has done what many thought was impossible, by not only packing the dishwasher wrong last night, but also putting several items in random cupboards and drawers this morning.  

Ryan McKenzie, 33, was pleased with the result, surprising even himself that he could be this hopeless, as judged by his wife Amy. 

“Yeah look it was always going to be a tough ask to get both things completely incorrect, but I somehow managed it on this occasion. Generally it’s just one or the other, so it’s pleasing to get both wrong at the same time,” he said in his post-match interview. 

“Cheers to the judge officiating as she’s always very involved and keen to make sure the game can flow smoothly,” said McKenzie, as Amy was seen rolling her eyes and leaving the room. 

Our reporters were able to catch up to her just in time to get a brief comment on her husband achieving The Double.

“I don’t understand why it’s so hard to take a bit of extra time and pack the dishwasher properly, so you get the most out of each wash,” said Amy as she relocated a pair of tongs from one kitchen drawer to another. 

“Urgh and why is this here?” she asked as she removed a glass from the coffee mug section of another drawer. 

Ryan meanwhile made an interesting observation following his big win. “Believe it or not, despite me putting the dishes in the dishwasher in the completely wrong order, they still came out spotlessly clean. Incredible isn’t it?”

McKenzie is now apparently on the lookout for other household chores that he can complete to a poor standard.

More to come. 

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NEIGH SAYERS

Craig Chamberlain from Shirley Christchurch, has launched what he’s calling a “full-scale, one-man protest” after learning the Crusaders will not allow horses at their new home ground, One NZ Stadium.

The decision, confirmed today due to “limited space” and “basic modern safety standards,” has rocked Chamberlain to his core, with the lifelong fan claiming the move has “completely derailed the emotional integrity of rugby.”

“You take away the horses, you may as well take away the whole bloody team,” Chamberlain fumed.

For more than 30 years, horses circling Lancaster Park and Addington Stadium have been a pre-match staple for diehard Crusaders fans. But with the move to the new indoor One New Zealand Stadium, the Crusaders confirmed the animals would be retired, citing concerns about space, safety, and the general unsuitability of horses for enclosed arenas.

Chamberlain, however, isn’t buying it.

“I didn’t stand in the cold for 30 years at Crusaders games just to end up watching a DJ and some LED lights. Bring back the horses. Go woke, go broke!”

In response, Chamberlain has vowed to personally replace the horses, committing to galloping “endless circles” around the stadium before kickoff with a Crusaders flag.

“If they won’t do it, I will,” he said, adjusting his well worn Crusaders jersey from the mid 1990s. I did four laps of the Riccarton Mall carpark yesterday. Nearly blacked out, but that’s the price of tradition. They got rid of the swords, but for goodness sake, don’t get rid of the horses!”

More to come.

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COMPULSORY CULTURE

New migrants arriving in New Zealand will now be immediately issued a standard-issue flat white and sternly told to enjoy it, under a new cultural integration policy quietly rolled out at major airports this week.

Officials say the move is designed to help newcomers “get up to speed” with local expectations around coffee quality.

“We just think it’s important they understand early on that this is what good coffee is, and this is what we drink around here,” said Immigration spokesperson Aaron Pritchard. “No one’s tried to push back yet.”

Recent arrival Priya Sharma said she was surprised by the intensity of the experience.

“I thought it was maybe part of the customs process, like declaring fruit or something. Then a guy nodded at me and said ‘pretty good ay’ and I felt like I had to agree.”

As part of the new changes, Americans coming to New Zealand will also no longer be able to legally go to a cafe and ask for an Americano.

“These people need to understand they’re in New Zealand now,” said Pritchard. “We don’t really do that here. It’s a flat white or nothing.”

Local sociologist Megan Rees said the policy reflects a broader national tendency to become intensely proud of a small number of cultural exports, while ignoring how much the rest of the world actually cares.

“We’ve always had a habit of latching onto things and assuming everyone else finds them as impressive as we do,” she said. “The coffee, the Lord of the Rings, the humiliating Ed Sheeran mural in Dunedin… From the outside it can feel over the top, but here it’s ‘normalised’.”

Rees added that the behaviour is mostly harmless.

“It’s not that the coffee isn’t good,” she said. “It’s more the level of insistence around it. There’s this quiet, annoying confidence people get.”

Officials say the programme is already showing promising results, with several migrants now describing themselves as “a bit of a coffee snob now, to be honest” within hours of landing.

More to come.

The post New Migrants To New Zealand Will Now Be Force-Fed A Flat White And Told To Enjoy It appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

METEOROLOGICAL SABOTAGE.

Travelling Blues fans are once again looking to the skies for excuses as their team prepares to play the Hurricanes in New Zealand’s only cake-shaped stadium.

“I swear it’s the design of it, aye,” says passionate Blues fan Andrew, who’s travelled down for this weekend’s clash at Hnry Stadium (formerly Sky Stadium, formerly Wellington Regional Stadium, formerly just “Westpac”). 

Donning a KFC bucket hat and Blues jersey over fifteen additional layers to keep warm outside of Auckland’s “all-year summer weather,” Andrew tells us he has evidence to prove his claim isn’t just “a bullshit excuse.”

“My mate’s mum works at MetService and he swears she’s seen Jordie and Clarky (Laidlaw) up there just the other day. I swear they were conspiring to adjust the wind so Beaudy can’t get his signature bombs up.”

Reminded about the fact that Beauden Barrett was in fact once a Hurricane player himself, Andrew responded with: “well, you know Auckland changes you aye – the only wind we get is when a real estate agent sighs at a damp two-bedroom unit in Remuera only selling for three million.”

Andrew’s theory became even stranger as he began talking about Hurricanes management “negotiating with Cyclone Vaianu”. While the rest of the Pacific treats the tropical low as a weather event, Andrew seems convinced the Canes have signed the cyclone to a one-week development contract.

“It’s suspicious, isn’t it?” Andrew whispered, sheltering his oat flat white from a rogue gust. “Vaianu just happens to turn up the same week the Blues arrive? It’s basically a tactical sub. I think we all know by now that somebody’s controlling the weather. They’re bringing in 150km/h winds just to ruffle us. It’s unsportsmanlike, and King Carlos himself would’ve never stood for it!”

Locals have also responded in kind. Long-time Wellington resident and Hurricanes season-ticket holder, Baz, was less than sympathetic while leaning into a 45-degree gust.

“Bless ‘em,” Baz shouted over the roar of a bin being blown down Manners Street. “They come down here with their ‘tactical kicking’ and their ‘structured play’ thinking it’ll hold up in conditions they haven’t seen since that ‘brutal’ 8.2 degree high day in 2011.

The Blues have reportedly requested the match be moved to a more “equitable” environment, such as a heated yoga studio in Ponsonby, or at the very least, that the Hurricanes be prohibited from using the southerly “as their 16th man.”

Andrew was last seen trying to staple his KFC bucket hat to his forehead, while Baz was seen comfortably eating a mince and cheese pie in a sideways downpour, unaware that his umbrella had turned inside out three suburbs ago.

More to come.

The post Blues Fan Prepares To Blame Wellington Wind And Cyclone Ahead Of Canes Clash appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ALIGNING PRIORITIES

A Wellington public servant has confirmed he inserted the word “strategic” into a routine sentence during a meeting on Tuesday, in what colleagues describe as a bold attempt to improve how it sounded.

Senior advisor Mark Ellison, 38, said the adjustment came to him naturally while discussing an otherwise ordinary piece of work.

“I just thought instead of saying it’s a plan, I’d say it’s a strategic plan,” Ellison explained. “It instantly felt more intentional.”

Ellison, who wouldn’t reveal which ministry or “working group” he’s working for, said the word helps signal depth, even when depth may not be immediately visible.

“You can’t really argue with strategic, you know. It suggests there’s a bigger picture happening somewhere.”

He confirmed he has also trialled phrases such as “strategic alignment” and “strategic intent” in recent weeks.

“It just slows the room down a bit. People nod more. There’s less follow up questions.”

Colleague Sarah Prasad said the move is part of a wider pattern across the floor.

“Once someone says strategic, you sort of assume they’ve thought about it properly,” Prasad said. “No one wants to be the person asking what that actually means.”

Prasad confirmed she has personally begun describing her weekly catch up as a “strategic touchpoint.”

Ellison has since updated two documents and one email to include the word, noting he is considering elevating his to-do list to a “strategic personal work programme.”

“At the end of the day, we’re here to be strategic about things,” Ellison said. “Whatever those things are.”

More to come.

The post Public Servant Adds The Word “Strategic” To Sentence And Hopes That Helps appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS

A new study from the NZ Nutrition Foundation has reluctantly discovered that the traditional healthy breakfast of cereals, grains and fruit is not the killer combo we all thought it was. 

It found that a pie and a can of V energy drink contained the perfect balance of protein, fat, carbohydrate and caffeine that’s needed in the morning, particularly for people with physical jobs that involve fixing and building things. 

Lauren Gable, a seasoned dietitian from the Nutrition Foundation, was suitably surprised, disgusted and appalled by the findings. “This goes against everything we thought we knew about nutrition and I can barely believe it,” she said. 

“Apparently tradies, in particular the ones who do all the work on a given job site, are able to stay perfectly healthy, fit and strong by having this breakfast each day on their way to work.

“I personally haven’t had a pie in 20 years, and I’ve never once had an energy drink. But if this is what the science says then I suppose I have to go with it,” she sighed as she slunk back in her chair, defeated. 

Dylan Rigby, a strong and trim specimen in his late teens, stopped as he was coming out of a Dunedin Night n Day to explain his food of choice. “On my way to a job in town, just labouring but building my skills up. Went with the mince and cheese, plus a standard V. Sometimes get the blue V or just a strawberry Up and Go. Fuel in the tank!” he said as pastry crumbled down onto his hi-vis. 

“You don’t need science to know that this is a good brekkie if you’re out getting shit done,” he said, firing a subtle shot at the ‘laptop class’. 

“Energy in, energy out”.

More to come.

The post Pie And Can Of V Found To Be Most Nutritionally Optimal Breakfast For Tradies appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BACK ON TRACK

In a bold return to so-called “2015 vibes,” Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has announced plans for a second national flag referendum, this time pitting the current New Zealand flag directly against the legendary “Laser Kiwi.”

The move is widely seen as Luxon’s attempt to channel the political instincts of John Key, the leader he has long been rumoured to admire both professionally and spiritually.

“Look, what I will say is New Zealanders loved having a say on the flag last time,” Luxon told media, standing in front of a hastily printed out copy of the laser-eyed bird. “And I think what people are really crying out for right now is a clear, simple choice. Current flag, or laser kiwi. That’s it.”

The “Laser Kiwi” design, which gained a cult following online during the original referendum, features a kiwi shooting green laser beams from its eyes and has since been widely regarded as “objectively better” by many New Zealanders.

Luxon says the streamlined, two-option referendum will avoid the confusion they had last time with that weird multiple-round playoff situation.

“People don’t want complexity,” he explained. “They want decisive leadership, and a bird with lasers coming out of its face.”

Political analysts suggest the Prime Minister may be hoping to recreate the widespread engagement and distraction generated by the original flag debate, widely remembered as a time when the nation briefly forgot about everything else.

“Back then, everyone had an opinion,” said one commentator. “If Luxon can get people arguing about flags again, there’s a chance they’ll forget how much they don’t like him.”

More to come. 

The post Prime Minister Says He Can Win Back Support With A Second Flag Referendum On Laser Kiwi appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HOLY HYDRATION

Dunedin students have flocked to local pubs to celebrate new laws letting Kiwis buy booze on Good Friday without the hassle of ordering a side of fries.

Otago University students Jonty and Matt, who’d come from their Castle Street flat, the “Piss Shack,” said the new laws meant they could finally enjoy a few cold ones at their local without having to pretend they were there for the “gastronomy.”

“Oh man, it’s so good to have the bars open normally. Usually, we’ve only got empties lying around at home,” Jonty said—referring to the knee-deep pile of boxes and bottles he’d climbed over just to get to the door.

Matt, wearing a Speights dressing gown and a single Highlanders-branded Croc, nodded in agreement.

“Previously, you had to buy a ‘substantial meal’ just to get a glass of Vitamin Speights, which is a violation of our basic human rights I reckon. I don’t want a $60 wagyu steak, I want a pint and a sense of belonging.

 Now, if I wake up on Good Friday and realise the only liquid in the flat is the condensation on the windows, I can just wander down to the pub like a civilized breather.”

The pair argued that the ‘liquid lunch” initiative wasn’t just about binge drinking, but about honouring the spirit of the holiday.

“Easter is about rebirth, isn’t it?” Jonty said. “Nothing says ‘rebirth’ like cracking a cold one before the sun rises at like midday in Dunedin. It’s a spiritual experience, really.”

A spokesperson from the Otago University Students’ Association (OUSA) noted that the law change significantly reduces the risk of students resorting to “Plan B.”

“Before this law, students were just stockpiling room-temperature boxes, acting as if they’d need all this alcohol to stay warm in their damp flats,” the spokesperson said.

“By Saturday night, this meant most flats, which are traditionally kept very neat, were basically health hazards. Letting them go to a managed environment like a pub is just common sense.”

As for the critics who suggest that celebrating a religious holiday with plenty of pints might be “a bit much,” Jonty was quick to dismiss them.

“With the price of tuna and 2-minute noodles these days, a pint of stout is basically a meal replacement,” he explained, gesturing to the pub menu he was using as a coaster.

“It’s made of grain. That’s one of the food groups. We’re just being health-conscious,” he explains, as a group of students at the next table move to dismiss the waiter who’d come to take their order, saying “we’re just here for the pints, thanks.”

More to come.

The post Dunedin Students Instinctively Celebrate Alcohol Law Change With ‘Liquid Lunch’ appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ALL ADDS UP

New Zealand Prime Minister Leigh Hart, formerly of Moon TV and Sportscafe fame, says it’s the little things that will end up getting us through this fuel crisis. 

Hart held a press conference this afternoon to say that when you’re driving somewhere, why not try parking a kilometre or two short of your destination and then walking the rest of the way. 

“Look it’s a win win for New Zealanders. What the people want is to use less petrol and to fit in more exercise. Everyone’s so busy these days, it’s hard to do both. But surprise surprise I’ve been the one to figure all that out,” he said. 

“People might say it’s missing the point, and that petrol still costs too much, but those people are bloody stupid. At the end of the day, if you spend less, then it costs you less.”

Hart says the biggest benefit of his new scheme is there’s no admin involved and it won’t cost the government any more money. 

“Look we did the subsidy thing for people that really need it, and I think it’s working but geez that was a muckaround to get sorted.

“End of the day, it’s common sense that’s going to get people over the line, not some squirrely bureaucrat in Wellington.”

Opposition leader Chris Hipkins rubbished the idea, saying the cost of petrol is definitely the government’s fault, before quickly disappearing to avoid any unrelated questions about his party’s pandemic response. 

“Well, this is the government of the day and Mr Hart should have been prepared for an oil shock like this, and the reality is he just wasn’t. Okay, no more questions? Good, thanks.”

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Hart revealed more detail for his new scheme. 

“See what you do is you set up your satNav or ya Google Maps and just pre-plan how far away you’re going to park from where you actually need to be. I’d pull up short by a kilometre most days, but I’d go two if I’m feeling keen and I’ve got the time.”

More to come. 

The post TAKING THE LEAD: Prime Minister Says To Park A Bit Down The Road To Save Money At The Pump appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SO FAKE

An 11-year-old boy has reportedly dismissed one of rugby’s most legendary figures as “clearly fake” and “AI” after stumbling across highlight footage of Jonah Lomu on YouTube.

Jaxon Webb, a Year 7 student who describes himself as “pretty onto it with AI stuff,” said the clips looked “way too unrealistic to be real human gameplay.”

“I mean, I’ve seen some big runs in rugby in Super Rugby” said Webb, pausing mid-scroll. “But there’s no way someone that size is running that fast and just bowling people over like NPCs. That’s AI, 100%.”

Webb’s skepticism peaked after viewing footage from the 1995 Rugby World Cup, where Lomu famously steamrolled England defender Mike Catt.

“There’s literally a clip where he just runs straight over this dude,” Webb said. “Like, fully flattens him. No sidestep, no nothing. Just deletes him. That doesn’t happen in real life. That’s generated content.”

Jaxon’s mother, Karen Webb, said she wasn’t surprised by her son’s conclusion, admitting she may have contributed to his confusion after repeatedly warning him about the dangers of the internet.

“I always tell him, ‘Don’t believe everything you see online, there’s AI everywhere now,’” she explained. “I didn’t think he’d apply that logic to actual history, but here we are.”

Despite her attempts to clarify that Lomu was, in fact, a real person who terrorised defences for the All Blacks in the 90s and early 2000s, Jaxon remains unconvinced.

“If he was real, why haven’t we seen anyone like him since?” he argued. “Like, where are the other Jonahs? You can’t just have one guy built like that. It doesn’t add up.”

Meanwhile, historians are reportedly bracing for further claims that the All Blacks’ dominance in the 90s was “scripted,” and that VHS tapes may soon be dismissed as “early deepfakes.”

At the time of publication, Jaxon had moved on to watching clips of Christian Cullen, but confirmed he was “keeping an eye out for glitches.”

More to come.

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