DOUBLE THREAT

After a very pleasing start to their World Cup campaign, the All Whites find themselves sitting pretty at the top of Group G, despite all four teams being equal on one point. 

The New Zealand team put their draw against a much higher ranking Iran side down to strong possession of the ball, patient build up play and composed finishing by attacking midfielder Eli Just. 

But the table ranking has left some scratching their heads about why New Zealand is top when all teams appear to be equal. Some pedantic FIFA officials have attempted to explain something about the number of yellow cards etc, but most New Zealanders now understand that we’re top because of Tim Payne’s instagram account. 

“It’s just the aura around it,” explained FIFA president Gianni Infantino, wading into the debate.

“Someone’s got to be listed at the top of that group table, and look, no-one’s really interested in yellow cards are they? Tim Payne’s social media journey is a phenomenal story for the fans, and it’s just great for the game in general,” he said, with help from a kiwi translator. 

The All Whites camp tended to agree, saying this is what they needed to keep the momentum going into their next game against Egypt. 

“It wouldn’t make sense for New Zealand to not be top of group G right now,” said an assistant trainer who wasn’t too busy for an interview. 

“First you get the crazy T Payne story in the lead up to the tournament, and now you’ve got this instant star in the form of Eli Just. No one’s really looking at the yellow card thing and so it’s obvious to me that the world just wants to see New Zealand do well.” 

The All Whites’ next match will be at 1 o’clock on Monday next week, where it is fair to say that Tim Payne would most likely trade all his newfound Instagram followers for a win against Egypt. 

More to come. 

The post TOP OF GROUP G: All Whites Credit Eli Just’s Goalscoring And Tim Payne’s Instagram appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ALL WORTH IT

New Zealanders are expected to get yet another jump in petrol prices with officials confirming the spike is “unfortunately linked” to the All Whites’ 2-2 draw with Iran this afternoon.

The All Whites led twice in the game, courtesy of a seventh-minute strike from Eli Just, who then helped them again take the lead after halftime.

Within minutes of the final whistle, global markets allegedly misinterpreted the result as a “geopolitical escalation event,” despite it being, as one analyst put it, “just a Kiwi lad slotting one past a keeper in Los Angeles on the biggest stage.”

One senior government energy advisor explained the price hike. “Markets don’t usually react to football results… unless Iran is involved. Then it becomes clear this is less about oil and more about sporting revenge economics. But hey I think most Kiwis won’t mind paying a little more at the petrol pump after the result. Another unbeaten game in a FIFA World Cup!”

Meanwhile the All Whites squad remains blissfully unaware of the economic fallout, reportedly celebrating the draw by repeatedly watching the goals back and thinking they probably could have won after leading twice in the game. 

Government advisors are now working on emergency measures, including a proposed policy where New Zealand must “consider drawing again or losing future matches for the sake of national fuel stability.”

More to come.

The post All Whites Push Petrol Prices Even Higher After Draw With Iran appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CAN YOU NOT?

In a desperate attempt to feel needed and/or appreciated, the government and wider public service is now literally screeching at people through their phones and there’s nothing they can do about it. 

At around 6.18 pm on Sunday all New Zealanders with a smartphone were sent an obnoxious “emergency alert test message” as a reminder that the government is still here and always will be. 

While the message we all received said “Remember, these emergency mobile alerts are an additional channel to help keep you safe”, the general reaction around the country was something along the lines of “Argh wtf?? Oh it’s another emergency test”. 

Some believe this is a simple case of someone in Wellington really just wanting to feel noticed and appreciated. 

“It’s sad that it’s come to this,” said psychologist Naomi Turner as she re-read the emergency test alert on her phone. “With people switching off from politics and mainstream media, these government people now need to insert themselves into our lives directly via our phones.

“Part of being a public servant is that you’re literally a servant, which means you get no thanks, no reward and no accolades. Just need to do what you’ve been told to do. If the wider government want validation from the general public then I’m sorry, they’re simply not going to find it,” said Ms. Turner. 

The forced emergency alerts are billed as “vitally important” and will “save lives”, but despite this, some kiwis are thoroughly fed up with the intrusion. 

Hamilton-based beauty consultant Michelle Jamieson is now asking the question, “can you not?”.

“Like, why do we get emergency alerts when there’s no emergency? They say it’s a test right? Haven’t they already tested it? What’s changed?

“I get that it’s for safety, but could you actually just f*** off?”  

The alert has been labelled a success in Wellington as millions of New Zealanders stopped what they were doing and spent several minutes thinking about the government, which was the main objective. 

More to come.

The post Attention-Starved Government Resorts To Forcing Loud Screeching Noise Through Everyone’s Phones appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

GIVEN UP ON REALITY 

Labour leader Chris Hipkins, who has already been prime minister, is apparently still keen to get back in the hot seat after announcing free public transport for everybody. 

Undeterred by claims by the evil Coalition that this is just a “lolly scramble”, Hipkins believes this could be the best Labour result since 2020.

“In 2020, we only had one policy, and that was one extra public holiday. And it was Matariki, so everyone felt great about it because it was Maori,” he told reporters. 

“This time round, it’s capped public transport fees. Everyone will love it, everyone will vote for it. Don’t ask me what it costs because I don’t know and it’s not even relevant at this point.”

Under the Labour policy, once you spend $20 on trains or buses, you’ll get unlimited free travel for the rest of the week. Which should be absolutely fine and have no unintended consequences. 

“In politics, it’s not about what you do. It’s about what you say you’ll do. If people vote for free trains and buses and something goes wrong with that, well the public voted for it so it’s hardly going to be my fault,” said Hipkins as he reached for his handy 600 mL coke. 

When pushed on how much this would all cost, Hipkins was philosophical. 

“Well you know they say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. But under Labour, if you’re in Wellington and you’ve already spent $20 on trains by Wednesday, then you’ll get free rides until Sunday night,” he said before apparently heading towards an open bakery for a giant sausage roll. 

While some say Hipkins and Labour have run out of ideas, other say they’ve just stopped giving a f***. The one thing that is clear is that it’s election season, and the most important thing for all these people is getting elected. 

More to come. 

The post Labour Promises Unlimited Free Transport Because At This Stage Who Even Cares appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BACK ON TRACK

The Government is getting on the front foot as it embarks on the road to Election 2026, pulling together a working group that will spearhead policy development in the field of not-taxing.

Following a series of internal discussions and some collaboration with ACT Party colleagues, the National-led coalition has decided that not taxing New Zealanders will be its primary focus for the forthcoming election.

What remains unclear is the vocabulary to be used for this not-taxing policy, as public opinion suggests words like ‘levy’ and ‘tax’ are losing currency with voters. One astute voter told the Whakataki Times: “I think tax and levy might be special words, with different letters and stuff, but actually meaning the same thing.”

The Government appears to be aware of this public perception. Insiders are reporting that dates have been set for a series of meetings, where words will feature prominently on the agenda.

The same inside sources say specialist lexicographers will be included in the working group, alongside expert linguists from leading universities. They were careful to note, however, that these individuals would be consulting from a personal viewpoint only, so as to avoid the perception that experts are involved at any point in National’s policy-making process.

There is no word yet on whether high-priority synonyms have been identified ahead of the non-tax terminology working group, though unconfirmed rumours suggest ‘mini-levy’, ‘charge-ish’ and ‘billy’ are all on the table.

More to come.

The post Government Establishes Working Group to Find New Words for “Tax” and “Levy” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CULTURE IS KING

An internal review at Wellington recruitment agency TalentForge has revealed the organisation has no official wellbeing strategy, and the culture they’ve nurtured is largely based on employees smashing back jars together on Friday afternoons and occasionally complaining about candidates.

The findings emerged after HR attempted to formally document the company’s culture for an award application.

What began as a search for policies and frameworks quickly uncovered that most staff simply enjoyed leaving work at 4.30 on a Friday and getting on the piss next door.

Senior Recruitment Consultant, Ben Ralston, said he was initially surprised by the findings.

“I always thought there was something a bit more sophisticated going on behind the scenes.”

“You hear people talking about workplace wellbeing programmes and resilience frameworks and all that. Then you realise our version is just six people drinking and chatting shit about Linkedin punishers.”

Ralston said the arrangement had been working effectively for years.

“If someone’s having a rough week, you buy them a beer. If someone’s had a good week, you buy them a beer. If someone lands a placement, beer. If they don’t land a placement, also beer. It’s a robust system.”

Office Manager Stacey Murray said attempts to introduce more structured initiatives had fallen flat.

“We brought in a mindfulness consultant once.”

“Half the office asked if ‘Mindfulness’ was a new CRM platform and the other half were already at the pub.”

Workplace culture specialist Dr Hamish Fletcher said the agency had inadvertently stumbled across a model common throughout New Zealand workplaces.

“A lot of organisations spend thousands trying to manufacture culture when culture is often just whether people enjoy spending time together after work.”

“Obviously there are limits to that approach, but it seems to be out-competing the old mindfulness webinar approach.”

TalentForge’s leadership have so far expressed no desire to formalise their piss-drinking into any kind of actual HR document. 

More to come.

The post Unwritten Staff Wellbeing Policy Revealed To Be Necking Piss After Work appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

QUIET PROFESSIONAL

A Night n Day employee in Hamilton has been praised for her professionalism after serving the same customer four separate times in one day without once asking what was going on.

The man, believed to be in his early 30s, made a series of increasingly casual visits to the store, each time acting as if it was his first appearance.

Worker Olivia Chen says she recognised him immediately by the second visit but made a conscious decision to say nothing.

“You just know not to say anything sometimes. Same hoodie, same walk, same ‘just this thanks’ vibe,” said Chen, calmly scanning a can of V and a packet of lollies. “But it’s not my place to mention anything.”

Chen says the third visit confirmed her approach.

“That’s when you double down on being normal. You keep it friendly with no raised eyebrows and no ‘back again?’ chat. Just good service.”

By the fourth visit, which included what could only be described as a fairly ambitious combo of a pie, chocolate milk and a family share bag of chips, Chen remained composed.

“He looked me dead in the eye like it was the first time we’d met. So I just went with it. Sweet as, that’ll be $14.80.”

The customer, who declined to be named, says he appreciated the discretion.

“Sometimes you just need a few trips, you know. Like obviously I’ve got something going on, but I don’t want it expressly mentioned,” he said. “She handled it well. Didn’t make it weird.”

Retail behaviour specialist Mark Henderson says the situation highlights the value of consistent customer service.

“A good store front person should be approachable and non-judgemental,” said Henderson. “It creates an environment where customers feel comfortable making multiple visits without fear of scrutiny, which is clearly important for some people.”

At the time of writing, the man was reportedly considering a fifth visit later that evening, with Chen expected to greet him as if nothing had happened.

More to come.

The post Convenience Store Worker Heroically Asks No Questions After Seeing The Same Guy For The Fourth Time Today appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DECISION FATIGUE

Nelson man Fraser McKenzie has ordered a pint of Behemoth “Something Hazy” purely to avoid having to think any further this evening, after what friends described as “a pretty full-on Friday mentally”.

The 34-year-old communications advisor made the call shortly after arriving at a downtown bar and staring silently at the drinks menu for nearly forty seconds.

McKenzie eventually pointed vaguely at the board and muttered “Yeah just chuck us the hazy” before visibly relaxing into his seat.

“Honestly I feel like I’ve been making decisions all bloody day,” he explained, plonking down his glass. “I had to choose meeting times, rewrite a sentence about stakeholder engagement six different ways and decide whether to get the large sushi or not. By the time I got here I was completely cooked. Just wanted a Behemoth hazy to take it all away.”

Friends confirmed the hazy IPA has become McKenzie’s “default setting” over the past two years, largely because it allows him to bypass any genuine personality or preference.

“You don’t really have to commit to anything with a hazy,” said mate Dylan Reeves. “It’s not a lager because then people think you’re simple, but it’s not some weird smoked porter either because that takes too much energy. It just sits safely in the middle. Impossible to go wrong”

McKenzie agreed, saying the beer offered “a soft landing” after a difficult day navigating a bunch of difficult requests.

“It tastes vaguely tropical, everyone else is drinking one and you can sort of sip it thoughtfully while pretending you know what ‘mouthfeel’ means,” he said. “It’s a good fit for me and hard not to just want another one afterwards. It’s my favourite Behemoth brew to be honest.”

Bar staff say they see similar behaviour most nights, particularly among men in puffer jackets quietly recovering from spreadsheet-based employment.

“There’s usually this moment where they look at all twelve taps like they’re deciding whether to make an offer on a house,” said bartender Liv Thompson. “Then they panic and order the hazy because deep down, they’ve already made every other decision they’re capable of making that day.”

At press time, McKenzie was reportedly avoiding another decision by getting a second hazy.

More to come.

The post Man Orders Hazy IPA So He Doesn’t Have To Make Any Other Decisions Tonight appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

I AM YOUR WORLD!

Parents, Sammie and Will, love their 2-year-old, Millie, but have become increasingly frustrated by her devious attempts to derail their rare date nights.

The young parents say their prodigious child has single handedly scheduled major medical emergencies and minor natural disasters, all in an effort to prevent them from giving attention to something, or someone, other than her.

An exasperated Sammie explained, “the first time we tried going to the movies, there was an outbreak of gastro that affected all the local movie theatres. We couldn’t believe it.”

But then, Will said, it happened again: “The following week we thought we’d try our luck at the theatre, but the whole place flooded five minutes before doors opened!”

It was on their fifth attempt at date night that the couple started to believe a greater force was at play. According to Sammie, “we knew by the third gastro plague that this was no coincidence. It was obvious Millie had something to do with this.”

Millie, they say, was a miracle baby whose life was the greatest blessing they ever received. They feel only she could be capable of instigating such diverse and devious diversions to derail date night.

Millie agrees.

Speaking to the Whakataki Times via a toddler translator, Millie claims to be “the world leading block stacker and puzzle solver” as well as “the best baby born on earth,” not to mention “this universe’s most beloved human.”

It was a logical next step, she says, to step into “social deviant, ruiner of lives.”

She admits, however, that not all her parents’ cancelled plans were her doing. The second gastro outburst, Millie says, was due to some cross contamination in the movie theatre’s popcorn machine. But she claimed the victory regardless.

“I am literally their world. Their world is nothing without me. If they try to leave me, they mustn’t expect anything good to come of it.”

More to come.

The post Toddler Plans Medical Emergency, Minor Disaster, To Coincide With Mum And Dads’ Date Nights appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DANGER NEUTRALISED

A Wellington man successfully navigated a high-risk family gathering this weekend after preventing his 69-year-old mother from delivering what experts described as a “freshly downloaded opinion” acquired during the previous evening’s TV news.

The incident occurred shortly after breakfast as three generations of the family gathered around the dining table, creating ideal conditions for the opinion to be deployed.

Witnesses say the man’s mother had already assumed the familiar posture indicating an imminent political statement, including a slight lean forward and the opening words, “Did you hear what the government is doing now?”

Recognising the warning signs, 35-year-old Tom Thompson immediately initiated diversion protocols.

“I could see it loading,” Thompson said.

“You get this look where she’s halfway between annoyed and excited. It’s like she’s just been handed a mission.”

Thompson reportedly interrupted the conversation by asking whether anyone had seen the neighbour’s new fence.

“That bought me about seven minutes.”

When the political opinion later attempted to re-enter the discussion through a comment about healthcare funding, Thompson successfully redirected attention toward a family debate about whether tomatoes belong in a fruit salad or not.

“Honestly, I don’t even know what the latest outrage was supposed to be,” he said.

“I stopped watching the news years ago. Half the time every channel seems to have already decided what you’re meant to think before they tell you what happened.”

His mother, meanwhile, expressed disappointment that several important topics had gone undiscussed.

“I was only saying what everyone is thinking,” she said.

Thompson’s father, who spent most of the conversation quietly eating toast, said the strategy appeared effective.

“She’s forgotten what she was angry about now,” he said.

“Mind you, she’ll probably download something else to be annoyed about tonight.”

Thompson is understood to be preparing several back-pocket diversion topics for the next couple of days, including new shops opening in the local area, grandad’s new dog and which plants to plant in the garden next.

More to come.

The post Millennial Skillfully Diverts Mum Away From Launching Into Freshly Downloaded Political Opinion appeared first on The Whakataki Times.