QUACKED THE CODE

New Zealanders were left confused yesterday after bizarre and cringeworthy audio was leaked of a Labour training session that seemed to focus a lot on duck-sized horses and horse-sized ducks. 

It was unclear whether the leak was an act of genuine dissent or a deliberate attempt to compete with the cringey awkwardness of National’s own group of Gen-Xers and elder millennials. 

In the recording you could hear people who surely couldn’t have known they were being recorded discuss whether they’d rather fight one horse-sized duck or one hundred duck-sized horses. MP Barbara Edmonds was heard calling Finance Minister Nicola Willis “a duck-faced horse”, which she has since apologised for. 

The result of the meeting, which was not caught on tape, was that Labour’s key strategy this election is to find an actual horse-sized duck for Chris Hipkins to ride triumphantly into parliament. 

While most are calling this “ridiculous” or “bloody stupid”, some believe the idea has legs, or at least very large webbed feet. 

“Well obviously ducks don’t get that big and if they did I imagine they’d take a long time to break in and train for riding. Probably not do-able in time for this election”, said Labour list MP Kieran McAnulty knowledgeably.

“But no idea’s a stupid idea at this stage. It’s amazing what people can do with AI and we’ve obviously got Weta Workshop over in Miramar, so I dunno maybe they could make a massive duck that Chippy could ride and lead Labour to victory.”

It still isn’t clear how a giant rideable duck is going to be a vote-winner for Labour, but McAnulty says if they’re able to build an oversized bird that doesn’t currently exist, then they can do just about anything. 

“Anything’s possible! And if anyone’s going to lose an election to a horse-sized duck, it’s Christopher Luxon.”

More to come.  

The post Labour Believes They Can Win Election If They Get Their Hands On A Horse-Sized Duck appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BITTER REALITY

New Zealanders woke up this morning to the grim reality that Auckland FC have somehow already won the A-League title in just their second season, giving the rest of the country yet another reason to resent the nation’s largest city.

The Auckland side defeated Sydney FC 1-0 in front of a sold out Mount Smart crowd last night, affirming many Aucklanders’ belief that they’re better than the rest of New Zealand. The win sparked immediate celebrations across Auckland and immediate bitterness literally everywhere else, especially for Wellington Phoenix supporters.

As thousands of fans poured out of the stadium singing, waving scarves and uploading Instagram stories captioned “CITY OF CHAMPIONS”, residents outside Auckland reportedly felt physically ill.

“Mate honestly, they didn’t need this,” said Wellington man Jason Reilly, staring blankly into a flat white this morning. “They’ve already got the jobs, the concerts, the expensive houses, the media attention and the opinion that they’re the centre of the universe. Did they really need a football dynasty too? Plus the Warriors are actually going decent, although they’re more of a national team.”

The victory caps off a meteoric rise for Auckland FC, who entered the A-League in 2024 and have already managed to win a title before most New Zealanders had fully processed the club’s existence.

“There’s always been underlying resentment toward Auckland,” explained AUT sociologist Dr Hayden Moore. “But seeing them win a championship this quickly has accelerated things dramatically. For many New Zealanders, this feels personal.”

“There is a measurable psychological effect in Wellington right now known as ‘yeah, of course they did’ fatigue. It’s not clinically recognised yet, but it’s definitely real.”

More to come.

The post A-League Title Reminds Aucklanders That They’re Just Better Than The Rest Of New Zealand appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

EVOLVED TASTES

Christchurch man Jason Miller, 36, has confirmed he can no longer “just grab a box” after developing what mates describe as “a fully unnecessary relationship with craft beer”.

Friends say Miller was once known for drinking whatever was cheapest, coldest and closest during his twenties, including Cody’s, Double Browns and VBs from the dairy.

But sometime around 2021, Miller reportedly began using phrases like “a bit more sessionable” and “I’m after something interesting tonight”.

“He used to drink anything,” said longtime mate Aaron Peters.

“Now he stands in front of the craft beer fridge at New World like he’s deciding which university he wants go to.”

Miller denies he’s become difficult, insisting his tastes have simply “evolved a bit”.

“You just get older don’t you,” he explained while holding two different Behemoth four-packs at chest height for comparison.

“You start appreciating quality more. I’m not saying I’m above a standard lager. I just think if I’m gonna drink six beers on the couch while watching YouTube, they may as well have some personality.”

Witnesses say supermarket trips with Miller now take significantly longer than necessary, with the 36-year-old often quietly reading the sides of cans before making a vibe-based decision.

“There’s a lot going on in the beer scene now,” Miller said.

“You’ve got your hazies, your West Coasts, your roasted stouts, your APAs. It’s honestly a good time to be curious.”

Flatmates report Miller also recently began refrigerating specific beers separately “for optimal drinking windows”, despite still consuming them while wearing his same old trackpants with the stain on the front.

“He talks about flavour profiles heaps now,” said flatmate Chris Hall.

“But at the end of the day he’s still sitting there eating chicken tenders and watching UFC highlights on his phone.”

Miller was allegedly last seen spending $22.99 on six cans because “they looked pretty decent actually”.

More to come.

The post Bloke Who Used To Drink Anything Now Apparently Needs “Something Interesting” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

THINK ABOUT IT.

Labour leader Chris Hipkins has revealed some of the thinking behind his party’s election strategy today, responding to criticism that the opposition has been “light on policy”.

Wearing a black leather jacket, gold watch and chain to go with a brand new moustache, Hipkins said Labour “would not fall into that trap” of overpromising things to voters, like the current government has.

“Christopher Luxon and the National Party are breaking so many of the promises that they made to New Zealanders,” Hipkins said.

“The trick for us this year is to have an each-way bet by not announcing anything before the votes are in. Think about it. You can’t break election promises if you don’t make any,” he said with a knowing grin, while tapping his finger on his forehead. 

Labour’s current policies include three free GP visits per year for each kiwi, a “future fund”, and that’s basically it. Hipkins maintains that this is plenty for now. 

“They say you never interrupt your enemy while they’re making a mistake. So why would I interrupt Christopher Luxon now?”

When asked about his new makeover, Hipkins says he was looking for “a new look and a fresh new attitude”.  

“But don’t you worry too much about details like that, ha ha ha. I’ve been in this business a long time. I know exactly what I’m doing,” he said confidently, tapping his forehead with his index finger once more. 

Prime Minister Luxon was due to comment during a scheduled media interview, but has since decided to cancel it. 

More to come. 

The post SAFE AND SOUND: Chris Hipkins Says You Can’t Break Election Promises If You Don’t Make Any appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

LOOKING THE PART

Finance Minister Nicola Willis has reportedly spent much of this week wondering whether a newly purchased black hooded cloak and full-sized scythe might be “a bit over the top” for upcoming media appearances announcing further public sector job cuts.

Willis was seen by members of her family pacing around her modern Wellington townhouse late Tuesday evening while wearing the floor-length cloak, occasionally stopping in front of a mirror to test different ways of holding the scythe.

“She kept asking whether the hood should stay up during interviews or if that made it look too theatrical,” said one of her daughters. “She asked if black leather gloves made it feel too ‘Marvel villain’.”

The outfit testing comes after the government confirmed thousands more public service roles will be slashed across Wellington over the coming years as departments continue cost-cutting measures.

Willis reportedly defended the look while speaking to friends over herbal tea and a bowl of veggie crisps.

“I’m not trying to make a statement, although I s’pose I am,” she explained. “I just think if you’re fronting up to announce another wave of restructuring, you should look professional. You know, polished. Cohesive.”

She added that the scythe was “mostly symbolic” and said she had no immediate plans to try and get it past parliament security.

Neighbours say they briefly spotted the Finance Minister standing silently on her balcony at dusk earlier this week while the cloak moved in the Wellington wind.

“I honestly thought my time had come and Death himself had arrived to take me,” said local resident Aaron McKenzie. “Then I realised it was just Nicola doing media prep.”

Political commentators say the outfit could ultimately help lighten the messaging by making the government’s intentions feel “refreshingly transparent”.

More to come.

The post Nicola Willis Unsure Whether New Outfit For Media Appearances Is Too Much appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FORCE FIELD ACTIVATED

Wellington-based policy advisor Jasmine Warburton, 31, was shocked to hear today that the government plans to slash nearly 9000 public service jobs like hers over the next year. 

In a pre-budget speech Finance Minister Nicola Willis said there will be about 8700 job losses by mid-2029, saying “the back-office of government still looks like an eighties relic, run on old-fashioned systems, with slow bureaucratic processes that are too often about box-ticking rather than improving outcomes”.

Ms. Warburton, while surprised by the announcement, said she has a secret weapon up her sleeve to avoid the carnage, pulling out a second rainbow-patterned lanyard she obtained at the Ministry of Bureaucratic Integration and Engagement. 

“Shh, don’t tell anyone I’ve got this. They’re as rare as hen’s teeth and almost impossible to get if you’re not part of the club,” she whispered to our reporters in a level 2 breakout room. 

“No-one’s going to try and sack someone who wears the rainbow lanyard, so logically the managers will have no chance against someone with two on.”

Warburton said the rainbow lanyard has mystical powers in her office, and that the people that wear them seem to attract nothing but success. 

“If you’re anointed with the lanyard of sunlight and rain, it’s a positive signal to others that you’re just a good person, and generally better than others,” she said as she placed the lanyard over top of the one she was already wearing with her ID card. 

“I can use this second lanyard for my snapper card, which I use on public transport to save the environment because I’m a good person.”

Tier 4 manager Suzanne Redford wasn’t sure about the lanyards holding mystical powers, but did say that Ms. Warburton’s logic was sound. “They’re not magic but they’ll definitely repel managers looking for people to sack. There’s just easier targets out there that won’t be as much of a problem.” 

Ms. Warburton meanwhile was not available for further comment, as she was apparently keen on arriving early for the daily waiata practice. 

More to come. 

The post Public Servant Applies Second Lanyard To Ward Off Evil Government Job Cuts appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

AISLE OF ANGER

Nelson woman Nicole Harris has confirmed she was left “honestly disappointed” this week after her partner failed to match her response to Pak n Save once again rearranging their shopping aisles.

On Sunday afternoon the couple entered the Richmond supermarket to do what Nicole described as “a very straightforward shop”, when they discovered the wraps had been moved away from the bread section “for no real reason at all.”

Nicole reportedly became visibly frustrated by the change, while her partner Matt continued pushing the trolley with what she called a “completely inappropriate level of calm.”

“I just thought he’d at least acknowledge how annoying it was,” said Nicole while unpacking groceries into matching glass containers. “Fair enough if you don’t want to fully rant about it, but he was acting like it was some tiny thing.”

Nicole says the situation worsened after Matt suggested the supermarket may have “had their reasons” for changing the layout.

“That was probably the worst part of it. He started talking about ‘the flow of traffic’ and saying maybe they’d analysed customer behaviour. Since when are we defending Pak n Save?”

Matt confirmed he had noticed the change but did not realise he was expected to emotionally engage with it.

“I just figured they’d moved some stuff around,” he said. “She kept looking at me waiting for something and eventually I realised I was apparently meant to be angry too.”

He later attempted to recover the situation by calling the new layout “bloody confusing,” though Nicole said the comment felt forced and “far too late to feel genuine.”

Relationship expert and Nicole’s friend Emma Thompson says situations like this are common in long-term relationships.

“A lot of women aren’t necessarily looking for solutions,” she explained. “They just want confirmation that the thing was in fact annoying and that they’re not alone in carrying the emotional burden of noticing irritating changes at the supermarket.”

Later today, Matt had reportedly said the new chip location “actually is a bit cooked”, but was apparently not able to convince Nicole that he actually cared that much.

More to come.

The post Local Woman Annoyed That Partner Was Not Also Annoyed By Thing That Annoyed Her appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

UNBEATABLE ON A GOOD DAY

With the doom and gloom around the capital cemented firmly in place, thanks in part to generous media coverage about lots of cafes closing, it would appear rugby union is back on the menu for Wellingtonians. 

The Hurricanes Super Rugby team are top of the table with only three rounds to go, leaving many wondering “are the canes actually the only good thing about Wellington these days?”

While the players will be focused firmly on their games ahead, their main contenders in the “good things about Wellington” rankings are currently Te Papa, the cable car and for some strange reason the bucket fountain on Cuba Street. 

An outside chance for the title is Weta Workshops, which some describe as a memorial site for a film series that came out over twenty years ago. 

Wellington City Council refused to give an interview to the Whakataki Times, instead issuing a statement saying it is wonderful to see the Hurricanes playing well, but that there are “lots of other good things about Wellington so what is this story actually about?”.

The communications team at the Hurricanes was also relatively tight lipped, issuing the following statement that could be attributed to any of the current players: “We are just taking it one game at a time and staying focused on this week’s match against the Blues”. 

However local man David Anderson, 52, was totally open about his delight at the way the Hurricanes have played this year, along with his visceral hatred of the bucket fountain. 

“It’s just so pleasing to see the Hurricanes playing well. Cam Roigard is a revelation and I think Ruben Love is going to be the next big thing for the All Blacks,” he said when asked on Cuba Street this morning. 

“But aside from that, can I just say how much I hate this ridiculous fountain? It’s ugly, it splashes water on the pavers making the ground slippery, it doesn’t look at all iconic… and is it even a fountain?”

Mr Anderson said that even walking past “all those people on Manners Street” isn’t that bad anymore because the Hurricanes are winning. 

More to come.

The post Hurricanes In Line To Be Literally The Only Good Thing About Wellington This Year appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SELECTION STANDOFF

NZ Rugby has confirmed that 56-test All Black Richie Mo’unga will remain ineligible for national selection until he completes what officials describe as “the sacred rite of NPC participation.”

The decision means Mo’unga must first return to play for Canterbury in the National Provincial Championship , a competition NZ Rugby now considers the “true final exam of elite readiness.”

“Test rugby and multiple Super Rugby titles are one thing,” explained NZ Rugby CEO Steve Lancaster. “But has he done it on a cold Friday night in Invercargill with 4,200 people watching? I don’t think so, and we need to see that from him first.” Lancaster confirmed, despite Mo’unga winning nearly every competition he’s competed in during the past decade.

Despite Mo’unga already being contracted to NZ Rugby with Canterbury and the Crusaders, the rule ensures he must trundle out for Canterbury in the NPC first, which will then catapult him back into the frame for AB’s selection.

All Blacks coach Dave Rennie was blunt when asked about the situation.

“If selection was purely about current ability, he’d be in my squad,” Rennie said. “But NZ Rugby’s introduced a new weird layer where you have to prove you can survive NPC rugby for a couple of games before being considered for the black jersey. He’s contracted to NZ Rugby as well for crying out loud!”

“In most countries, if you’ve mastered international rugby, you don’t get sent back to do regional exams,”  Rennie continued to explain. “But here we are effectively saying: ‘Yes, you’ve done it at the highest level many times before, but have you tried doing it against North Harbour in drizzle? It’s a bit of a virtue signalling exercise if you ask me.”

More to come. 

The post Mo’unga Not Fit For All Blacks Until He Proves Himself In Illustrious New Zealand NPC appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MUSCLE MEMORY

A Palmerston North man has confirmed that despite not touching a calculator in nearly two decades, his body still instinctively remembers the exact sequence required to spell “BOOBIES” upside down.

The incident occurred Tuesday evening after 34-year-old Ryan Fletcher discovered an old Casio calculator while cleaning out an oversized Sistema container in his garage.

According to Fletcher, the device still had enough battery life to perform what he described as “the only calculation he regularly referred back to.”

“I didn’t even have to think about it,” said Fletcher, holding the calculator like it was an artefact found at some archaeological dig. “I turned it on, typed 5318008, flipped it upside down and just started grinning at it, with no one around me.”

Fletcher said the move felt “completely automatic,” comparing it to riding a bike or backing out of a very familiar driveway.

“You spend all of intermediate trying to get the biggest possible reaction from any and all boys that may be nearby. This knowledge is going to stay in my brain for life.”

He admitted he briefly considered showing his wife before deciding the inevitable eye roll wouldn’t actually be worth the effort. 

Friends who later heard about the discovery were reportedly unsurprised.

“Makes sense that Ryan remembers calculator boobies but forgets literally any important password,” said mate Josh McKenzie. “If civilisation collapsed tomorrow, the rebuild would be very difficult but I think men would still find a way to write boobs on things.”

Fletcher reportedly also attempted to spell other words on his newly discovered Casio, but was never able to out-do the GOAT.

More to come.

The post Local Bloke Finds Old Calculator And Immediately Types “5318008” Like He’s In Intermediate Again appeared first on The Whakataki Times.