SWEET INVESTMENTS

For 35-year-old Jarrod Marshall, the glory days of his childhood were measured in 5-cent coins carefully saved up to buy a $1 lolly bag from Night ‘n Day Tahunanui in Nelson.

“I tell people all the time, those were the glory days,” Jarrod says, eyes misting over as he recalls his childhood afternoons. “I’d collect 5-cent coins from under the couch and the odd bit of pocket money from mowing the neighbours lawns.. And then I’d take them all down to Night ‘n Day and put them together to buy a $1 bag of lollies. Pure gold.”

Even now, over two decades later, Jarrod makes it a point to stop by Night ‘n Day Tahunanui whenever he’s in the area. 

“They’ve still got the magic touch,” he says, surveying the brightly lit aisles. “Fantastic. Reliable as ever. You know exactly what you’re getting, quality lollies, good vibes, bang for buck.”

Jarrod credits Night ‘n Day not just for their lollies, but for cultivating a sense of trust and nostalgia. 

“Back then, I was ten years old, learning the power of small savings. Today, I’m 35, and the lessons are the same. I can count on Night ‘n Day to deliver every time. Some things never change, and that’s the real investment.”

More to come.

The post Lolly Bag Remembered As Greatest Investment Of Childhood Money appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

AHEAD OF THE GAME

Benji Davies isn’t the type of person who is usually organised in his life. 

But that perception went out the window this afternoon, as the 27 year-old purchased a 750ml Mountain Blast blue Powerade from Night ‘n Day Hagley, in anticipation of being viciously hungover tomorrow morning. 

Our reporters were with Davies while was at the checkout.

“Gidday guys, yeah there’s no doubt I’ll be needing this haha. Got a get together with some of my old mates from school. It will be hard to take it easy. Nothing like seeing the lads!” grinned Davies knowing very well that he’s going to consume multiple alcoholic beverages into the early hours of the morning, resulting in a bone cracking hangover.

“Gonna be great to have this by my bedside for once when I wake though. I’m sure after the first few sips the taste will come back. Presuming my mouth will be dryer than the Sahara desert haha.”

Davies’ girlfriend Tara Evans was equally impressed with Benji’s premature Powerade purchase.

“Honestly it’s good to see him do something that’ll help him for once in his life, even if it is just alleviating a violent hangover.” 

“Usually, he wakes up and stumbles down the hallway to the bathroom where he runs the tap and just tries to cup handfuls of water into his mouth,” Evans explained, having seen Benji at his absolute worst multiple times. 

As reporters wrapped up, Davies was seen doubling back down the aisle.

“Actually, might grab some Panadol too,” he called out. “Night ’n Day’s got everything, don’t they? Might as well make the most of it.”

Davies later thanked the store staff on his way out, saying it was “good to know someone’s always got your back, even when you don’t.”

More to come.

The post Local Bloke Leans Into Tomorrow’s Hangover With Pre-Purchased Blue Powerade appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

LIFE SAVED

Wellington-based carpenter Miles Randall, 33, arrived at work with a full stomach and a full heart this morning. This was despite suffering a medium-grade hangover, which he has justified under the umbrella of “the silly season”.

Randall woke suddenly after what he described as “a fun but deeply unnecessary” midweek evening with a couple of clients, followed by a sleep so disturbed he claims he “aged five years”. The culprit, according to him, was five pints of craft beer and a sixth that “appeared out of nowhere”.

But just when life felt bleak, the convenience store chain Night ‘n Day on Cuba Street came to the rescue, its pie warmer glowing like a beacon of hope inside the otherwise cold Wellington morning.

“As soon as I saw that pie warmer, I felt something inside me heal,” Randall said, still visibly moved by the experience. “I wrapped my hands around a mince and cheese, and the heat filtered straight down into my soul. It was like being forgiven.”

The tradie says the journey from hating his own existence to actually looking forward to arriving at the job site took roughly three bites.

“You wouldn’t think a pie can change your outlook on life,” he said, “but that’s because you haven’t been hungover, cold, and spiritually lost outside a Night ‘n Day at 7am.”

Randall says he relies on the chain more than he relies on most people in his life.

“How good is Night n Day though? Honestly. I love a bakery or a dairy, but they have a bad habit of being closed right when you need them. Night ‘n Day? Always open. Always stocked. Always ready to catch you when you fall.”

After polishing off a cheeky lasagne topper “for balance”, Randall climbed back into his ute feeling like a new man.

“I’ll still say I’m never drinking again,” he admitted, “but at least I know Night ‘n Day will be there for me when I inevitably do.”

More to come. 

The post Night ’n Day Pie Warms Both Hands And Soul Of Hungover Tradie appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DECEMBER MODE

Jason Tilley, 34, from Auckland, has officially entered his end-of-year hibernation cycle after spotting the annual migration of the Christmas Cookie Time Girls through his Albert Street office this morning.

Tilley mentally began to wind down for the entire year at 9:04 this morning when he heard the unmistakable jingle of plastic tubs and overly cheerful upsell scripts drifting down the hallway.

“I’ll take two of those thanks,” he instructed the 20 year-old university students, clearly doing the job as a small summer gig, signifying the beginning of Christmas and the end of the working year.

His co-workers explained that Tilley has not completed a meaningful task since last week and constantly keeps asking everyone what they’re doing for the Christmas and summer break despite a lot more work needing to be done before anyone can even consider a summer break.

“Look, once the Cookie Time girls show up, I’m mentally checked out for the year to be honest,” Tilley admitted while rearranging Christmas tinsel the receptionist had plastered over his desk.

“I’ve got three Christmas parties to attend over the next couple of weeks and to be honest, the Cookie Time girls make it feel like the year is done already. It’s the silly season!”

At press time, Tilley was last spotted googling “Secret Santa ideas under $10” instead of completing the report due yesterday, and began drafting his out of office auto-reply email for the summer.

More to come.

The post Bloke Begins Annual Wind-Down The Moment Christmas Cookie Time Girls Enter Office appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SEEN BETTER DAYS

Sam Vickery has been bravely confronting a multi-day hangover today after a whirlwind weekend of drinking.

The 34 year-old from Christchurch who reportedly arrived home at 5 a.m. Sunday after a night of unspecified revelry, was “worse for wear” upon entry to his office today and sat staring blankly at a computer screen displaying an Excel spreadsheet, while opening emails and attempting to take in what they said.

Colleagues observed Vickery’s ongoing struggle.

“He typed something in, then deleted it, then stared at it for 20 minutes, probably hoping it would just fix itself,” said a coworker on condition of anonymity. “We’re not sure if he’s working or summoning some ancient hangover.”

“He sort of said something to me in the kitchen like if I watched any sport on the weekend, then he answered the question as if I’d asked it and not him. He’s seriously not all there,” his colleague concluded. 

Vickery spoke to our reporters with a 1000 yard stare.

“I thought the Beroccas would be my salvation this morning, but I still feel like my body’s been in a car crash, which is basically just saying you need to be punished for consuming more than a dozen beers in quick succession”. 

Friends report that Vickery spent Sunday morning “negotiating with his own couch” and staring at the ceiling while intermittently groaning. 

“I thought Monday would be the end of it,” he said. “But here we are. Tuesday’s about to begin and I don’t even think a strenuous bout of exercise will wash the hangover away.”

Vickery remains optimistic, however, stating, “If I can make it through a Monday like that, I can survive anything. Maybe Wednesday will be better… or maybe that’s just what the hangover wants me to think.”

More to come.

The post Bloke’s Hangover Now Creeping Into Tuesday appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NO INFLUENCE

A generically attractive woman who three years ago decided to re-invent herself as a fit, spiritual, healthy person returned home from her run this morning with her aura feeling decidedly un zen.

32 year old Sophie Todd likes nothing more than being out on a joyful Sunday morning 10k, getting the blood flowing and enjoying the fresh air. 

And although these are the official reasons she gives for loving a Sunday morning run, what she really likes is seeing losers doing their walks of shame while she’s out virtuously exercising and looking great. 

Approximately 2 years ago the former party girl was scrolling through the legions of women who were somehow making money by simply doing exercise, eating smoothies and wearing tight fitting, expensive activewear.

Sophie was at a crossroads in life, and after 8 years of punching the clock in semi-real jobs like marketing and real estate, she realised she wasn’t cut out for actual work. 

In the 18 months since, she has built her insta following to 25,037, using the tried and true formula of thirst traps posing as workout videos, uplifting motivational phrases against a backdrop of water or sunsets, and pics of strange looking nuts and fruit that she blends into a juice.

But after all her hard work on the social media front, Sophie returned home from her morning run at 7.12am feeling completely deflated. 

There was no one to be seen staggering home from the night before, and no one for Sophie to judge mercilessly from her position of social influence. She did not see a single dishevelled piece of shit with his shirt untucked drinking a Powerade, nor any tragic girls carrying their heels home whilst crying.

And after running 10kms and not sighting a single hooch hound, keg with legs, human brewery or martini machine crawling home in the harsh morning sunshine, this morning’s outing was a complete and utter disaster.

In an attempt to feel better, she spent the entire day in bed, judgingly scrolling through her friends insta feeds from last night.

More to come. 

The post DEVASTATING: Wellness Influencer On Sunday Run Doesn’t Spot Any Walks Of Shame She Can Judge appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

REGRETSVILLE 

A Christchurch man has spent his Saturday morning in an anxious spiral, utterly convinced his career is hanging by a thread after work drinks last night on the city’s Oxford Terrace strip.

29-year-old project manager Alastair Lees awoke today with a pounding craft beer hangover, patchy memories of the evening, and a gnawing certainty that he’d said something catastrophically stupid to someone important.

“All I remember is starting with a pale ale at Kong and then, next thing, I’m halfway through a long ramble at Fat Eddie’s about how the office ‘doesn’t respect the creative process’,” Lees told The Whakataki Times, clutching a Berocca like a life preserver. “Could’ve been to anyone. Could’ve been to one of the partners. Could’ve been to the new grad. God, I hope it wasn’t to Sophie from accounts.”

Lees’ colleagues confirm had been “chatty” from the early rounds, moving seamlessly from craft beer to espresso martinis, before ending the night in the kind of philosophical conversation that only happens at 1:30 am and is regretted by 9:00 am.

“I keep getting these mental flashes,” Lees said, grimacing. “Like… did I say I could ‘absolutely do Angus’s job better than him’? Did I tell Bridget her LinkedIn headshot was misleading? Or did I, God forbid, call Katie ‘mate’?”

Lees’ next move is unclear. At press time, he was toggling between drafting apology emails to his entire team and googling ‘how to fake your own death and start over in Oamaru.’

More to come. 

The post Bloke Forgets What He Said at Work Drinks, Just Assumes It Was Career-Ending appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MMM, HOW GOOD

A local man in the midst of a hellish, self-inflicted nightmare, found salvation today in the form of a dozen pieces of warm pork mince, wrapped in fluffy, golden pastry.

Theo Jamieson, a structural engineer from the Christchurch suburb of St Albans recently married long-time partner Alannah Gowing. They’re currently bathing in that blissful, child free stage of life where they do pretty much whatever the hell they want, especially on Sundays.

Safe in this knowledge, Theo did a massive number on himself last night, starting with $8 jugs at the Marist Albion clubrooms, before rolling into the Church for 7 Hazy IPA’s, Tequila shots and a half-melted gummy from his old flatmate Bruiser Donaldson.

Thinking he had the whole next day to lick his wounds and recuperate, he ubered home at 2.30am, and passed out on the couch.

Which is where he would have stayed until at least midday, had he not been rudely awakened at 9.05am by an angry looking Alannah.

“Hudson’s birthday party’s in half an hour, I’d knew you’d fucken forget. Get in the bloody shower,” she cooed lovingly into his ear.

Theo then found himself attempting to make small talk in a room of adults whose children attend the same pre-school as his nephew, with absolutely nothing in common other than all breeding a baby human during the same calendar year.

Sweating profusely, as waves of nausea and self loathing washed over him, Theo was reminded by his rising stomach acid that the last thing he’d eaten was party pie around 5PM last night. 

Weaving unsteadily over to the kitchen bench, he was dismayed to see the only snacks on offer were carrot sticks with hummus, gluten free crackers and a fruit platter. 

Then, just as all hope seemed lost, his sister-in-law Georgie pulled out a large platter of sausie rolls, fresh from the oven. 

After testing the waters with a couple of mouthfuls to ensure they were going to stay down, Theo made quite the pig of himself, going back for seconds, thirds and eventually fourths.

A still visibly shaken Theo spoke to our reporter today at 4pm.

“Mate, it was touch and go there, I was that close to blowing my neck all over the kitchen table.”

More to come.

The post Hungover Waste Of Space Consumes 12 Mini Sausage Rolls At Nephew’s 3rd Birthday Party appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HOLIDAY HANGOVER

Logan Renney, 28, is paying the ultimate price this morning.

The Auckland property valuer was adamant earlier this week that anyone taking today off was “soft as hell” and just looking for an excuse to milk a four-day weekend.

The self-proclaimed ‘hard grafter’ proudly declared that he’d be in the office bright and early, unlike his so-called ‘lazy’ colleagues who had strategically booked annual leave to bridge the gap between Waitangi Day and the weekend.

Our reporters were with a very hungover Logan at his desk, where he had been staring blankly at his computer screen for the past 40 minutes.

 “I swear I only had a couple of craft beers,” he muttered, his head resting in his hands and looking like the soul had left his body.

Witnesses report that Logan had, in fact, been on a self-inflicted bender that started with “just one after work” and somehow spiraled into a full-blown Thursday night blowout involving tequila shots, a deep and meaningful chat with a bartender, and an ill-advised attempt at karaoke.

“I was talking so much smack about turning up fresh today. Now I’d trade my right arm to be at home in a dark room with Uber Eats on the way.”

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post Bloke Who Scoffed At Colleagues Taking Friday Off, Now Sitting Viciously Hungover At Desk appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FRESH START 

Gabrielle Shaw, a 26-year-old Wellington woman, awoke this morning to the cruel reality of blinding sunlight combined with haunting flashbacks of a night on Courtenay Place. 

Despite her best intentions to be home by midnight, Shaw somehow found herself still shouting the lyrics to “Mr. Brightside” at 3:30am before grabbing a regrettable McDonald’s cheeseburger combo on her way home alone.

Armed with a lavender-scented candle purchased during a fleeting self-care phase, Shaw proceeded to scrub, mop, and disinfect every inch of her one-bedroom flat

“It’s not guilt-cleaning,” she insisted, as she aggressively wiped down her stovetop. “It’s…therapeutic,” she told our reporters .

“This is about getting ready for the week ahead and being on top of things,” lied Shaw, who is still an arts student at Massey University and has minimal classes to attend this week.

The lavender-scented candle, meanwhile, struggled to mask the overpowering stench of McDonald’s fries which were one of last night’s decisions still sitting half eaten on the couch. “The lavender’s working, I swear,” Shaw muttered to herself as she reorganized the fridge. 

By midday, Shaw had cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the living room, and was halfway through polishing the bathroom mirror when she collapsed onto the couch due to only a handful of hours sleep. 

“Fresh floors, fresh start. Right. Can someone please take me to Maccas again?”

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post Hungover Woman Who Arrived Home at 4AM Guilt-Cleans House To Pretend She Has It Together appeared first on The Whakataki Times.