STRONG ALIGNMENT ENERGY

A newly installed Team Values poster in a central Wellington office is expected to become completely invisible to staff by the end of next week, despite being printed in full colour and placed directly above the coffee machine.

The laminated A2 poster, unveiled during a brief but meaningful morning tea at Disrupt on Monday, outlines five core principles including “Be Courageous”, “Own The Outcome” and “Bring Your Whole Self”.

Project coordinator Liam Barker said the poster represents “a genuine shift”.

“It’s about alignment,” Barker said. “If we can all just glance at it once or twice a day, you know, it starts to sink in subconsciously.”

Barker confirmed he personally chose a sunset gradient background to make the values feel “warm but still accountable”.

“You don’t want it too corporate. You want people to feel something when they look at it.”

Staff member Anita Rao said she noticed the poster immediately on Monday but could already feel her brain adjusting.

“It was quite bright at first,” Rao said. “Now it’s sort of blending in with the fire evacuation diagram and the roster for emptying the dishwasher.”

Rao confirmed she fully supports the values and looks forward to continuing to embody them without thinking about them ever again.

Organisational psychologist Megan Field said the phenomenon is common in modern workplaces.

“Human beings are very good at filtering out anything they consider not relevant,” Field said. “Especially if it’s in Helvetica and uses words like ‘journey’.”

Field predicts the poster will eventually become part of the wall itself, only noticeable when a new starter asks what the values are and somebody says “I think they’re on a poster somewhere”.

More to come.

The post New Team Values Poster In Office Predicted To Become Totally Invisible To Staff In Two Weeks appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

POLITE ESCAPE

A 33 year old Wellington man has once again deployed the time tested phrase “we should go for a coffee sometime” after unexpectedly running into a former colleague at Moore Wilson’s on Saturday morning.

Nathan Wilkes confirmed he had not spoken to ex marketing advisor Jeremy Clarke in just over two years before the chance encounter in the olive aisle.

“It was good to see him ay,” Wilkes said. “Nothing against the bloke. Just wasn’t prepared for a full life update between the balsamic and the feta.”

Wilkes said the conversation quickly escalated from a casual “how’s things” to a detailed breakdown of Clarke’s new role, gym routine and thoughts on the property market.

“He’s a good guy,” Wilkes explained. “Very thorough. You ask how work is and you get the strategic overview.”

After approximately nine minutes, Wilkes identified what he described as “a natural gap” and moved decisively.

“I just said, ‘Mate we should go for a coffee sometime,’” he said. “It’s friendly. It’s open ended. It acknowledges the connection without locking anything in.”

Wilkes confirmed there are no current plans to schedule said coffee.

“I’ve got a lot on,” he said. “Young family. Bit flat out. You know how it is.”

Clarke later told friends he was “definitely keen to catch up properly” but had not committed to sending a DM via Linkedin.

Relationship expert and part time mediator Karen Bishop says the phrase remains one of New Zealand’s most elegant social tools.

“It signals goodwill while preserving distance,” Bishop said. “Everyone understands it, even if no one admits they do.”

Wilkes ended the interview by saying that he’ll definitely get round to thinking about setting a date at some point.  

More to come. 

The post “We Should Go For A Coffee Sometime” Still The Best Exit Strategy From Small Talk Entrapment appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MAKES SENSE

Upper Hutt man Shane Devon was looking forward to catching up with a mate in Wellington for an afternoon beer on Saturday. Nothing serious, just a couple of classically overpriced Wellington beers. 

Devon’s world outlook, which was at the time bright and colourful, soon came crashing down as he approached Trentham train station to make his way into town. The 32 year old had foolishly believed that the trains would be running on a Saturday, and that they would not be “replaced by buses”.

The buses Metlink were referencing of course were the very oldest buses in New Zealand, famously stinking of diesel and usually driven by a driver who was “on the brink” emotionally. 

“Silly me. Thought I would have a comfortably smooth ride into Wellington on a train. Slow, but in a smooth straight line,” he smiled to himself insincerely. 

“But no. Naturally I’m sitting here on the bus where I can vaguely smell a mix of diesel and stale vomit. Driver loves to fang it as far as he can before he slams on the brakes when he needs to. Why would you try and make a smooth ride for your passengers? Wouldn’t make sense would it?” he laughed. 

Devon later came to realise that while the buses into Wellington were bad, the ones back out of it would turn out to be worse. 

“No seats left when I got to the bus to get back home, so I was standing. Same bus driver there of course, taking the corners nice and fast while I try and stay on my feet, hanging on for dear life. Lovely.”

Devon reportedly made it home in the end, but would likely not be going back into the capital anytime soon if he could avoid it. 

More to come. 

The post Weekend Train Into Wellington Naturally Replaced By The Oldest Buses In New Zealand appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

GROWS ON TREES

Auckland credit assessor Julia Hampton has had a normal and even joyful morning, after breezily contributing to the country’s rampant inflation problem. 

“Another happy couple getting into their first home. I love my job so much, so rewarding,” she said as she stepped away from ANZ for a celebratory coffee and cheese scone. 

Ms. Hampton had just given the green light on a loan for Papakura couple Ryan and Laura, who are now officially homeowners. While this is fantastic news for the happy couple, it would appear Julia had no idea how mortgages really work. 

“Yeah, I approved the loan and now our bank has lent them the money to buy a beautiful new home, and all they have to do now is pay the loan back over 30 years with interest applied,” she said before slurping her oat milk flat white. 

Hampton however conveniently missed out the minor detail about the bank not technically holding any money at all for the loan in the first place. All they really do is type a number and the money appears out of thin air, as a number on a screen. 

“Haha well what is money anyway, really,” she laughed while having literally no idea what the answer was to her own question. 

Ryan and Laura will now spend the next 30 years paying the bank money that never existed in the first place, plus interest on that money that was actually thin air only moments ago. Unfortunately the new homeowners will not be able to create their own money out of thin air to pay the mortgage off, and will instead have to work for it. 

“Oh how good is it to finally get on the property ladder though! Such a relief!” said Laura, choosing not to focus on the sick reality of the global financial system.  

Ryan meanwhile appeared to be realising that the world was actually being run on fake money and theft and is now in danger of going down multiple rabbit holes on the internet. 

More to come. 

The post Local Banker Happily Approves Mortgage As If She Hasn’t Just Created Fake Money Out Of Thin Air appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FAKE FOCUS 

With just a few working days left in 2025, Tom Chapman has summoned every last ounce of office enthusiasm to perform the near-impossible: look like he’s doing something meaningful.

Chapman, a 27-year-old insurance broker in Wellington’s CBD, was spotted at his desk exhibiting an impressive flurry of activity that fooled precisely no one. Christmas decorations twinkled around the office, but Davis’ own sparkle came from his rapid tab-clicking skills.

Our reporters were on-site at his Lambton Quay office to witness the high-stakes performance art that is pretending to care about work in December.

“Ah, what’s this? Urgent request?” Chapman muttered to himself, his eyes scanning the subject line of an email that had landed in his inbox three seconds ago. After a tense deliberation of approximately 27 seconds, he summoned the courage to open it.

Reading it out loud just loud enough for colleagues to hear, Davis projected an aura of diligence.

“Gee, look at him go,” said James McHardy, a coworker who mentally clocked out sometime around November 29. “He’s pretending he’s going to take action it, but we all know he’s just going to wander off to some random folders, click a few things, then stare blankly at the screen until the clock hits five. Classic Tom.”

Davis, now transitioning from frenetic tab-clicker to reflective inbox organizer, shared his thoughts on the year-end grind:

“Well, I want to see the year out strongly,” he said, carefully crafting the illusion of commitment. “Yes, it’s bloody difficult. But its actually better to appear to be busy than to try starting something meaningful. Anyway, I’ve got a few junk folders to clear out—should keep me occupied until lunchtime tomorrow.”

More to come.

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MAKING HIS OWN FUN

A Wellington public servant has introduced a new internal performance framework this week, although it is one that only applies to himself and exists entirely to trick his brain into believing he is enjoying his job.

Thirty-two-year-old policy analyst Simon Verrall revealed that his personal job satisfaction scoring system, nicknamed “work points”, went live on Monday morning, after several months of feeling his soul dissolve at the Ministry of Social Development.

“It’s pretty simple,” he explained, sipping his third long black of the day. “If I finish reading an email without rolling my eyes, that’s ten points. If I sit through a meeting without fantasising about quitting on the spot, that’s twenty.”

Simon says the point system is the only thing keeping him even remotely engaged with his work, which lately has consisted of rewriting a briefing note he already wrote last month, but with “slightly more priority language”.

“There are days where nothing happens except five Teams calls and an all-staff email about somebody’s secondment,” he said. “So I give myself bonus points for surviving until 3pm without screaming internally.”

His colleagues report that Simon has been noticeably more cheerful this week, although they initially assumed it was because he had finally found a new job.

“No, no new job,” he clarified. “Just dopamine trickery. If I hit 200 points in a day I treat myself to an overpriced smoothie.”

Despite being well aware of the grand machine of bureaucracy grinding slowly around him, Simon insists he has found something resembling purpose.

“I’ve built dashboards. I’ve colour-coded categories. I’ve gamified despair,” he said proudly. “Honestly, morale’s never been higher.”

When asked if he could share the system with his wider team as part of “wellbeing initiatives,” Simon looked appalled.

“God no,” he said. “If SLT gets their hands on this, they’ll turn it into a wider org strategy.”

“Anyway this is the kind of unlock that people just need to discover for themselves.”

More to come. 

The post Public Servant Introduces Personal Scoring System To Simulate Job Satisfaction appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MAX EFFORT, MINIMAL IMPACT

Dave Harrison knows exactly how much effort went into crafting the monthly email from his Deputy Secretary today, but that didn’t stop him from doing the absolute bare minimum to read it.

The 40 year old “people manager” is deeply entrenched in the Wellington public service bureaucracy, and has a not-uncommonly jaded outlook. He’s been at the Department of Transport for three years (his “current gig”) and has no intention of changing his ways.

“Yes I saw the latest email from Greg. I had a quick read but it was great to see all the inspiring mahi going on at the ministry,” he lied with the confidence of a man who has not opened a PDF since 2021.

“Sounds like the new group strategy that’s about to go up for staff consultation is going to be a game changer,” he added pathologically, knowing full well the “new strategy” is a rehash of something they trialled ten years ago during his first stint at MoT.

Harrison has now developed the unique ability to predict what an email from SLT will say, despite never committing more than ten seconds to reading one. His confidence comes from knowing that everything he actually needs to know about his job arrives via a colleague leaning over and saying, “Hey mate, did you see the update?” to which he always confidently replies, “Yep.”

“Great to see my colleagues living the ministry’s values,” he said, while unable to list all those values from memory. 

Meanwhile, senior communications advisor Laura Dolden was happy to finally get that meticulously crafted email across the line, but was dismayed about the impact it was having with staff.

“To be honest I didn’t even think that email was going to get sent this week, so I’m just relieved to have it off my plate,” she said, staring at the ceiling as if reconsidering her career choices in real time.

“Would just be nice if people spent a little bit more time reading these things, since they take a lot of time and FTE to put together,” she added, fully aware the median staff member only reads the first line and whatever is in bold.

Back at his desk, Harrison sighed and closed the email for good.

“If anything important comes from it, someone will tell me,” he said, reopening the Trademe real estate listings. 

More to come.

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HOPE FADING

Mike Bain, 35, insists he’s “nowhere near being bald” despite the remaining pieces of hair on his head looking like they could blow off with a decent gust of wind.

Bain, who works at a Christchurch tech firm, was seen brushing the remaining strands across his increasingly shiny dome during Monday’s team meeting. Colleagues say the move only highlighted the issue.

“I’ll shave it when it’s actually gone,” he said firmly. “And besides, when it’s wet, it looks way thicker,” Bain told reporters confidently.  

Sources close to Bain confirmed he’s spent nearly $200 on “hair-thickening sprays” and “root-stimulating serums,” none of which have produced results.

“I’ve got this new shampoo that makes my scalp tingle,” he said. “That means it’s working,“ he explained, as he began looking even balder than at the start of the interview.

Coworker Jess Heald, who sits across from Bain, says the rest of the team have stopped mentioning it altogether.

“We tried being supportive, but it’s hard to compliment someone’s hair when its not there. He should look at the positives really, I mean, he won’t have to keep seeing a hairdresser will he?  she said.

Despite the mockery, Bain remains defiant.

“Everyone keeps saying I should just shave it, but why would I? It’s not gone, there’s still actual hair left.”

More to come.

The post Balding Bloke Under Pressure To Shave It All Off Insists He’s “Nowhere Near Being Bald” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

TIME WARP

Jolene Gilbert, a 45-year-old “team administrator” from Wellington, says the long Labour weekend she just had “feels like a distant memory,” as she was reportedly battling just to get to Friday.

“You know, you always think about how nice it will be to have a short week. It’s like the icing on the cake at the end of a long weekend,” she said, as if this were a totally original thought she’d just had.

“But then you soon realise that there’s just as much stuff you need to get through, but with one less day to get through it! Before you know it you’re exhausted and you’re wondering how is it only Wednesday?” she said, exasperated by her reality.

After clawing her way through Thursday, Jolene feels like she won’t even be able to enjoy her “Friday vibes” this week.

“I’ve got too much to get through! Why does everyone always want something from me at the same time??” she said, while frantically refreshing her emails.

Coworkers confirmed that Jolene has been muttering versions of this since Tuesday morning, pausing only to stare at her screen and sigh dramatically. “She’s just been in this loop of disbelief,” said colleague Aaron. “Every hour or so she’ll go, ‘How is it still this week?’ and then make a coffee.”

Despite the tough slog, Jolene says she’s trying to stay positive. “It’s fine. I’ll survive. Just a couple more days,” she said on Thursday afternoon, visibly shaken after realising there were still two unread calendar invites for the next morning.

Asked what she’ll get up to this weekend, her answer was “I’ll be in recovery mode after a long week, which I know was actually a short week but it didn’t feel like it.”

More to come.

The post Local Woman Claims The Short Week Feels Just As Long Because You Have To Fit More In appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CAN’T BEAT IT ON A GOOD DAY THOUGH

As flights were cancelled, power lines came down and wheelie bins launched themselves across the country, local man Dylan “Dyl” McKenzie described this week’s extreme weather as “quite windy, ay.”

While the rest of the country watched dramatic footage of roofs peeling off sheds, the 31-year-old Wellington courier pulled on his favourite hoodie and got on with his day.

“I saw the warnings pop up on my phone,” said Dyl quizzically. “Said something about ‘damaging gusts’ or something. Bit breezy but that’s Wellyz. Be weirder if it wasn’t windy.”

The veteran of many southerlies began his day with a coffee on Lambton Quay before heading off to work. “Naturally I don’t even bother with an umbrella on a normal day,” he said. “Once it turns inside out, it’s game over.”

As the city braced for “severe and hazardous conditions,” Dyl could be seen strolling down Willis Street like it was a calm spring morning, squinting slightly as a storefront sign cartwheeled past him.

“I guess it’s rough out there,” he admitted, “but if you wait for the wind to stop before doing anything in Wellington, you’d never do anything.”

Flatmate Marcus said the wind didn’t seem to bother him at all. “He came home, cracked a beer and said, ‘Bit of a gust out there.’ Meanwhile, our letterbox is halfway to Karori.”

As officials urged people to stay inside and secure loose objects, Dyl remained unfazed. “Wind’s gonna wind,” he said, shutting his front door against a fresh gust. “You live here long enough, you just get used to yelling your conversations.”

More to come.

The post Hard-Nosed Wellingtonian Describes This Week’s Weather As “Quite Windy Ay” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.