CAN YOU NOT?

In a desperate attempt to feel needed and/or appreciated, the government and wider public service is now literally screeching at people through their phones and there’s nothing they can do about it. 

At around 6.18 pm on Sunday all New Zealanders with a smartphone were sent an obnoxious “emergency alert test message” as a reminder that the government is still here and always will be. 

While the message we all received said “Remember, these emergency mobile alerts are an additional channel to help keep you safe”, the general reaction around the country was something along the lines of “Argh wtf?? Oh it’s another emergency test”. 

Some believe this is a simple case of someone in Wellington really just wanting to feel noticed and appreciated. 

“It’s sad that it’s come to this,” said psychologist Naomi Turner as she re-read the emergency test alert on her phone. “With people switching off from politics and mainstream media, these government people now need to insert themselves into our lives directly via our phones.

“Part of being a public servant is that you’re literally a servant, which means you get no thanks, no reward and no accolades. Just need to do what you’ve been told to do. If the wider government want validation from the general public then I’m sorry, they’re simply not going to find it,” said Ms. Turner. 

The forced emergency alerts are billed as “vitally important” and will “save lives”, but despite this, some kiwis are thoroughly fed up with the intrusion. 

Hamilton-based beauty consultant Michelle Jamieson is now asking the question, “can you not?”.

“Like, why do we get emergency alerts when there’s no emergency? They say it’s a test right? Haven’t they already tested it? What’s changed?

“I get that it’s for safety, but could you actually just f*** off?”  

The alert has been labelled a success in Wellington as millions of New Zealanders stopped what they were doing and spent several minutes thinking about the government, which was the main objective. 

More to come.

The post Attention-Starved Government Resorts To Forcing Loud Screeching Noise Through Everyone’s Phones appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

LOOKING THE PART

Finance Minister Nicola Willis has reportedly spent much of this week wondering whether a newly purchased black hooded cloak and full-sized scythe might be “a bit over the top” for upcoming media appearances announcing further public sector job cuts.

Willis was seen by members of her family pacing around her modern Wellington townhouse late Tuesday evening while wearing the floor-length cloak, occasionally stopping in front of a mirror to test different ways of holding the scythe.

“She kept asking whether the hood should stay up during interviews or if that made it look too theatrical,” said one of her daughters. “She asked if black leather gloves made it feel too ‘Marvel villain’.”

The outfit testing comes after the government confirmed thousands more public service roles will be slashed across Wellington over the coming years as departments continue cost-cutting measures.

Willis reportedly defended the look while speaking to friends over herbal tea and a bowl of veggie crisps.

“I’m not trying to make a statement, although I s’pose I am,” she explained. “I just think if you’re fronting up to announce another wave of restructuring, you should look professional. You know, polished. Cohesive.”

She added that the scythe was “mostly symbolic” and said she had no immediate plans to try and get it past parliament security.

Neighbours say they briefly spotted the Finance Minister standing silently on her balcony at dusk earlier this week while the cloak moved in the Wellington wind.

“I honestly thought my time had come and Death himself had arrived to take me,” said local resident Aaron McKenzie. “Then I realised it was just Nicola doing media prep.”

Political commentators say the outfit could ultimately help lighten the messaging by making the government’s intentions feel “refreshingly transparent”.

More to come.

The post Nicola Willis Unsure Whether New Outfit For Media Appearances Is Too Much appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FORCE FIELD ACTIVATED

Wellington-based policy advisor Jasmine Warburton, 31, was shocked to hear today that the government plans to slash nearly 9000 public service jobs like hers over the next year. 

In a pre-budget speech Finance Minister Nicola Willis said there will be about 8700 job losses by mid-2029, saying “the back-office of government still looks like an eighties relic, run on old-fashioned systems, with slow bureaucratic processes that are too often about box-ticking rather than improving outcomes”.

Ms. Warburton, while surprised by the announcement, said she has a secret weapon up her sleeve to avoid the carnage, pulling out a second rainbow-patterned lanyard she obtained at the Ministry of Bureaucratic Integration and Engagement. 

“Shh, don’t tell anyone I’ve got this. They’re as rare as hen’s teeth and almost impossible to get if you’re not part of the club,” she whispered to our reporters in a level 2 breakout room. 

“No-one’s going to try and sack someone who wears the rainbow lanyard, so logically the managers will have no chance against someone with two on.”

Warburton said the rainbow lanyard has mystical powers in her office, and that the people that wear them seem to attract nothing but success. 

“If you’re anointed with the lanyard of sunlight and rain, it’s a positive signal to others that you’re just a good person, and generally better than others,” she said as she placed the lanyard over top of the one she was already wearing with her ID card. 

“I can use this second lanyard for my snapper card, which I use on public transport to save the environment because I’m a good person.”

Tier 4 manager Suzanne Redford wasn’t sure about the lanyards holding mystical powers, but did say that Ms. Warburton’s logic was sound. “They’re not magic but they’ll definitely repel managers looking for people to sack. There’s just easier targets out there that won’t be as much of a problem.” 

Ms. Warburton meanwhile was not available for further comment, as she was apparently keen on arriving early for the daily waiata practice. 

More to come. 

The post Public Servant Applies Second Lanyard To Ward Off Evil Government Job Cuts appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BACK FOR MORE

A middle manager at a Palmerston North property management firm came to work locked and loaded last Tuesday morning. 

51 year old Michael O’Connor says he had just taken on “young Toby”, who had joined his team on Monday, and that it would be good to see if he was “keen for more”. 

“He’s a good lad, but we’ll soon see, ha ha ha, seemed nervous on his first day but he looks keen to impress,” said O’Connor as he leaned at the kitchenette with his Nescafe, owning the space. 

“We’ll soon see if he’s a glutton for punishment, ha ha ha.”

As O’Connor took another sip of his instant coffee he nearly choked as he saw his new staff member Toby come in through the main doors. The man who had clearly been beaten down by life was now full of energy, as he practically began running towards poor Toby. 

“Oh you came back for Day 2 did ya?! HA HA HA!” he yelled across the open plan office, causing a minor stir that was thankfully ignorable for most of his colleagues. 

“Ha ha look Suzanne, he’s still here! Ha ha ha, back for more are ya Toby?? Ha ha ha!”

Toby, obligated to play along, replied in kind. “Ha yeah bring on round 2! Let me have it! Ha ha ha!” he said dutifully. 

The young man apparently has a “pig of a spreadsheet to go through”, according to his manager, who also added that “the client contacts are all over the place”. 

“But hey Tobe make sure you get all those learning modules done first though mate, ha ha ha!”

More to come.

The post Manager Of New Staff Member Excited By Opportunity To Say “Oh You Came Back For Day 2” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ALIGNING PRIORITIES

A Wellington public servant has confirmed he inserted the word “strategic” into a routine sentence during a meeting on Tuesday, in what colleagues describe as a bold attempt to improve how it sounded.

Senior advisor Mark Ellison, 38, said the adjustment came to him naturally while discussing an otherwise ordinary piece of work.

“I just thought instead of saying it’s a plan, I’d say it’s a strategic plan,” Ellison explained. “It instantly felt more intentional.”

Ellison, who wouldn’t reveal which ministry or “working group” he’s working for, said the word helps signal depth, even when depth may not be immediately visible.

“You can’t really argue with strategic, you know. It suggests there’s a bigger picture happening somewhere.”

He confirmed he has also trialled phrases such as “strategic alignment” and “strategic intent” in recent weeks.

“It just slows the room down a bit. People nod more. There’s less follow up questions.”

Colleague Sarah Prasad said the move is part of a wider pattern across the floor.

“Once someone says strategic, you sort of assume they’ve thought about it properly,” Prasad said. “No one wants to be the person asking what that actually means.”

Prasad confirmed she has personally begun describing her weekly catch up as a “strategic touchpoint.”

Ellison has since updated two documents and one email to include the word, noting he is considering elevating his to-do list to a “strategic personal work programme.”

“At the end of the day, we’re here to be strategic about things,” Ellison said. “Whatever those things are.”

More to come.

The post Public Servant Adds The Word “Strategic” To Sentence And Hopes That Helps appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

STRONG ALIGNMENT ENERGY

A newly installed Team Values poster in a central Wellington office is expected to become completely invisible to staff by the end of next week, despite being printed in full colour and placed directly above the coffee machine.

The laminated A2 poster, unveiled during a brief but meaningful morning tea at Disrupt on Monday, outlines five core principles including “Be Courageous”, “Own The Outcome” and “Bring Your Whole Self”.

Project coordinator Liam Barker said the poster represents “a genuine shift”.

“It’s about alignment,” Barker said. “If we can all just glance at it once or twice a day, you know, it starts to sink in subconsciously.”

Barker confirmed he personally chose a sunset gradient background to make the values feel “warm but still accountable”.

“You don’t want it too corporate. You want people to feel something when they look at it.”

Staff member Anita Rao said she noticed the poster immediately on Monday but could already feel her brain adjusting.

“It was quite bright at first,” Rao said. “Now it’s sort of blending in with the fire evacuation diagram and the roster for emptying the dishwasher.”

Rao confirmed she fully supports the values and looks forward to continuing to embody them without thinking about them ever again.

Organisational psychologist Megan Field said the phenomenon is common in modern workplaces.

“Human beings are very good at filtering out anything they consider not relevant,” Field said. “Especially if it’s in Helvetica and uses words like ‘journey’.”

Field predicts the poster will eventually become part of the wall itself, only noticeable when a new starter asks what the values are and somebody says “I think they’re on a poster somewhere”.

More to come.

The post New Team Values Poster In Office Predicted To Become Totally Invisible To Staff In Two Weeks appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

POLITE ESCAPE

A 33 year old Wellington man has once again deployed the time tested phrase “we should go for a coffee sometime” after unexpectedly running into a former colleague at Moore Wilson’s on Saturday morning.

Nathan Wilkes confirmed he had not spoken to ex marketing advisor Jeremy Clarke in just over two years before the chance encounter in the olive aisle.

“It was good to see him ay,” Wilkes said. “Nothing against the bloke. Just wasn’t prepared for a full life update between the balsamic and the feta.”

Wilkes said the conversation quickly escalated from a casual “how’s things” to a detailed breakdown of Clarke’s new role, gym routine and thoughts on the property market.

“He’s a good guy,” Wilkes explained. “Very thorough. You ask how work is and you get the strategic overview.”

After approximately nine minutes, Wilkes identified what he described as “a natural gap” and moved decisively.

“I just said, ‘Mate we should go for a coffee sometime,’” he said. “It’s friendly. It’s open ended. It acknowledges the connection without locking anything in.”

Wilkes confirmed there are no current plans to schedule said coffee.

“I’ve got a lot on,” he said. “Young family. Bit flat out. You know how it is.”

Clarke later told friends he was “definitely keen to catch up properly” but had not committed to sending a DM via Linkedin.

Relationship expert and part time mediator Karen Bishop says the phrase remains one of New Zealand’s most elegant social tools.

“It signals goodwill while preserving distance,” Bishop said. “Everyone understands it, even if no one admits they do.”

Wilkes ended the interview by saying that he’ll definitely get round to thinking about setting a date at some point.  

More to come. 

The post “We Should Go For A Coffee Sometime” Still The Best Exit Strategy From Small Talk Entrapment appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MAKES SENSE

Upper Hutt man Shane Devon was looking forward to catching up with a mate in Wellington for an afternoon beer on Saturday. Nothing serious, just a couple of classically overpriced Wellington beers. 

Devon’s world outlook, which was at the time bright and colourful, soon came crashing down as he approached Trentham train station to make his way into town. The 32 year old had foolishly believed that the trains would be running on a Saturday, and that they would not be “replaced by buses”.

The buses Metlink were referencing of course were the very oldest buses in New Zealand, famously stinking of diesel and usually driven by a driver who was “on the brink” emotionally. 

“Silly me. Thought I would have a comfortably smooth ride into Wellington on a train. Slow, but in a smooth straight line,” he smiled to himself insincerely. 

“But no. Naturally I’m sitting here on the bus where I can vaguely smell a mix of diesel and stale vomit. Driver loves to fang it as far as he can before he slams on the brakes when he needs to. Why would you try and make a smooth ride for your passengers? Wouldn’t make sense would it?” he laughed. 

Devon later came to realise that while the buses into Wellington were bad, the ones back out of it would turn out to be worse. 

“No seats left when I got to the bus to get back home, so I was standing. Same bus driver there of course, taking the corners nice and fast while I try and stay on my feet, hanging on for dear life. Lovely.”

Devon reportedly made it home in the end, but would likely not be going back into the capital anytime soon if he could avoid it. 

More to come. 

The post Weekend Train Into Wellington Naturally Replaced By The Oldest Buses In New Zealand appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

GROWS ON TREES

Auckland credit assessor Julia Hampton has had a normal and even joyful morning, after breezily contributing to the country’s rampant inflation problem. 

“Another happy couple getting into their first home. I love my job so much, so rewarding,” she said as she stepped away from ANZ for a celebratory coffee and cheese scone. 

Ms. Hampton had just given the green light on a loan for Papakura couple Ryan and Laura, who are now officially homeowners. While this is fantastic news for the happy couple, it would appear Julia had no idea how mortgages really work. 

“Yeah, I approved the loan and now our bank has lent them the money to buy a beautiful new home, and all they have to do now is pay the loan back over 30 years with interest applied,” she said before slurping her oat milk flat white. 

Hampton however conveniently missed out the minor detail about the bank not technically holding any money at all for the loan in the first place. All they really do is type a number and the money appears out of thin air, as a number on a screen. 

“Haha well what is money anyway, really,” she laughed while having literally no idea what the answer was to her own question. 

Ryan and Laura will now spend the next 30 years paying the bank money that never existed in the first place, plus interest on that money that was actually thin air only moments ago. Unfortunately the new homeowners will not be able to create their own money out of thin air to pay the mortgage off, and will instead have to work for it. 

“Oh how good is it to finally get on the property ladder though! Such a relief!” said Laura, choosing not to focus on the sick reality of the global financial system.  

Ryan meanwhile appeared to be realising that the world was actually being run on fake money and theft and is now in danger of going down multiple rabbit holes on the internet. 

More to come. 

The post Local Banker Happily Approves Mortgage As If She Hasn’t Just Created Fake Money Out Of Thin Air appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FAKE FOCUS 

With just a few working days left in 2025, Tom Chapman has summoned every last ounce of office enthusiasm to perform the near-impossible: look like he’s doing something meaningful.

Chapman, a 27-year-old insurance broker in Wellington’s CBD, was spotted at his desk exhibiting an impressive flurry of activity that fooled precisely no one. Christmas decorations twinkled around the office, but Davis’ own sparkle came from his rapid tab-clicking skills.

Our reporters were on-site at his Lambton Quay office to witness the high-stakes performance art that is pretending to care about work in December.

“Ah, what’s this? Urgent request?” Chapman muttered to himself, his eyes scanning the subject line of an email that had landed in his inbox three seconds ago. After a tense deliberation of approximately 27 seconds, he summoned the courage to open it.

Reading it out loud just loud enough for colleagues to hear, Davis projected an aura of diligence.

“Gee, look at him go,” said James McHardy, a coworker who mentally clocked out sometime around November 29. “He’s pretending he’s going to take action it, but we all know he’s just going to wander off to some random folders, click a few things, then stare blankly at the screen until the clock hits five. Classic Tom.”

Davis, now transitioning from frenetic tab-clicker to reflective inbox organizer, shared his thoughts on the year-end grind:

“Well, I want to see the year out strongly,” he said, carefully crafting the illusion of commitment. “Yes, it’s bloody difficult. But its actually better to appear to be busy than to try starting something meaningful. Anyway, I’ve got a few junk folders to clear out—should keep me occupied until lunchtime tomorrow.”

More to come.

The post LAST WEEK AT WORK: Bloke Clicks Rapidly Between Tabs To Appear To Be A Productive Employee appeared first on The Whakataki Times.