QUIET PROFESSIONAL

A Night n Day employee in Hamilton has been praised for her professionalism after serving the same customer four separate times in one day without once asking what was going on.

The man, believed to be in his early 30s, made a series of increasingly casual visits to the store, each time acting as if it was his first appearance.

Worker Olivia Chen says she recognised him immediately by the second visit but made a conscious decision to say nothing.

“You just know not to say anything sometimes. Same hoodie, same walk, same ‘just this thanks’ vibe,” said Chen, calmly scanning a can of V and a packet of lollies. “But it’s not my place to mention anything.”

Chen says the third visit confirmed her approach.

“That’s when you double down on being normal. You keep it friendly with no raised eyebrows and no ‘back again?’ chat. Just good service.”

By the fourth visit, which included what could only be described as a fairly ambitious combo of a pie, chocolate milk and a family share bag of chips, Chen remained composed.

“He looked me dead in the eye like it was the first time we’d met. So I just went with it. Sweet as, that’ll be $14.80.”

The customer, who declined to be named, says he appreciated the discretion.

“Sometimes you just need a few trips, you know. Like obviously I’ve got something going on, but I don’t want it expressly mentioned,” he said. “She handled it well. Didn’t make it weird.”

Retail behaviour specialist Mark Henderson says the situation highlights the value of consistent customer service.

“A good store front person should be approachable and non-judgemental,” said Henderson. “It creates an environment where customers feel comfortable making multiple visits without fear of scrutiny, which is clearly important for some people.”

At the time of writing, the man was reportedly considering a fifth visit later that evening, with Chen expected to greet him as if nothing had happened.

More to come.

The post Convenience Store Worker Heroically Asks No Questions After Seeing The Same Guy For The Fourth Time Today appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DECISION FATIGUE

Nelson man Fraser McKenzie has ordered a pint of Behemoth “Something Hazy” purely to avoid having to think any further this evening, after what friends described as “a pretty full-on Friday mentally”.

The 34-year-old communications advisor made the call shortly after arriving at a downtown bar and staring silently at the drinks menu for nearly forty seconds.

McKenzie eventually pointed vaguely at the board and muttered “Yeah just chuck us the hazy” before visibly relaxing into his seat.

“Honestly I feel like I’ve been making decisions all bloody day,” he explained, plonking down his glass. “I had to choose meeting times, rewrite a sentence about stakeholder engagement six different ways and decide whether to get the large sushi or not. By the time I got here I was completely cooked. Just wanted a Behemoth hazy to take it all away.”

Friends confirmed the hazy IPA has become McKenzie’s “default setting” over the past two years, largely because it allows him to bypass any genuine personality or preference.

“You don’t really have to commit to anything with a hazy,” said mate Dylan Reeves. “It’s not a lager because then people think you’re simple, but it’s not some weird smoked porter either because that takes too much energy. It just sits safely in the middle. Impossible to go wrong”

McKenzie agreed, saying the beer offered “a soft landing” after a difficult day navigating a bunch of difficult requests.

“It tastes vaguely tropical, everyone else is drinking one and you can sort of sip it thoughtfully while pretending you know what ‘mouthfeel’ means,” he said. “It’s a good fit for me and hard not to just want another one afterwards. It’s my favourite Behemoth brew to be honest.”

Bar staff say they see similar behaviour most nights, particularly among men in puffer jackets quietly recovering from spreadsheet-based employment.

“There’s usually this moment where they look at all twelve taps like they’re deciding whether to make an offer on a house,” said bartender Liv Thompson. “Then they panic and order the hazy because deep down, they’ve already made every other decision they’re capable of making that day.”

At press time, McKenzie was reportedly avoiding another decision by getting a second hazy.

More to come.

The post Man Orders Hazy IPA So He Doesn’t Have To Make Any Other Decisions Tonight appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

I AM YOUR WORLD!

Parents, Sammie and Will, love their 2-year-old, Millie, but have become increasingly frustrated by her devious attempts to derail their rare date nights.

The young parents say their prodigious child has single handedly scheduled major medical emergencies and minor natural disasters, all in an effort to prevent them from giving attention to something, or someone, other than her.

An exasperated Sammie explained, “the first time we tried going to the movies, there was an outbreak of gastro that affected all the local movie theatres. We couldn’t believe it.”

But then, Will said, it happened again: “The following week we thought we’d try our luck at the theatre, but the whole place flooded five minutes before doors opened!”

It was on their fifth attempt at date night that the couple started to believe a greater force was at play. According to Sammie, “we knew by the third gastro plague that this was no coincidence. It was obvious Millie had something to do with this.”

Millie, they say, was a miracle baby whose life was the greatest blessing they ever received. They feel only she could be capable of instigating such diverse and devious diversions to derail date night.

Millie agrees.

Speaking to the Whakataki Times via a toddler translator, Millie claims to be “the world leading block stacker and puzzle solver” as well as “the best baby born on earth,” not to mention “this universe’s most beloved human.”

It was a logical next step, she says, to step into “social deviant, ruiner of lives.”

She admits, however, that not all her parents’ cancelled plans were her doing. The second gastro outburst, Millie says, was due to some cross contamination in the movie theatre’s popcorn machine. But she claimed the victory regardless.

“I am literally their world. Their world is nothing without me. If they try to leave me, they mustn’t expect anything good to come of it.”

More to come.

The post Toddler Plans Medical Emergency, Minor Disaster, To Coincide With Mum And Dads’ Date Nights appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DANGER NEUTRALISED

A Wellington man successfully navigated a high-risk family gathering this weekend after preventing his 69-year-old mother from delivering what experts described as a “freshly downloaded opinion” acquired during the previous evening’s TV news.

The incident occurred shortly after breakfast as three generations of the family gathered around the dining table, creating ideal conditions for the opinion to be deployed.

Witnesses say the man’s mother had already assumed the familiar posture indicating an imminent political statement, including a slight lean forward and the opening words, “Did you hear what the government is doing now?”

Recognising the warning signs, 35-year-old Tom Thompson immediately initiated diversion protocols.

“I could see it loading,” Thompson said.

“You get this look where she’s halfway between annoyed and excited. It’s like she’s just been handed a mission.”

Thompson reportedly interrupted the conversation by asking whether anyone had seen the neighbour’s new fence.

“That bought me about seven minutes.”

When the political opinion later attempted to re-enter the discussion through a comment about healthcare funding, Thompson successfully redirected attention toward a family debate about whether tomatoes belong in a fruit salad or not.

“Honestly, I don’t even know what the latest outrage was supposed to be,” he said.

“I stopped watching the news years ago. Half the time every channel seems to have already decided what you’re meant to think before they tell you what happened.”

His mother, meanwhile, expressed disappointment that several important topics had gone undiscussed.

“I was only saying what everyone is thinking,” she said.

Thompson’s father, who spent most of the conversation quietly eating toast, said the strategy appeared effective.

“She’s forgotten what she was angry about now,” he said.

“Mind you, she’ll probably download something else to be annoyed about tonight.”

Thompson is understood to be preparing several back-pocket diversion topics for the next couple of days, including new shops opening in the local area, grandad’s new dog and which plants to plant in the garden next.

More to come.

The post Millennial Skillfully Diverts Mum Away From Launching Into Freshly Downloaded Political Opinion appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

GLASS HALF FULL

Hastings man Nathan Cooper, 34, has confirmed he now carries his own craft beer glassware to bars “just in case the venue doesn’t really respect the beer properly”.

Cooper, who works in UX design and owns what friends describe as “an unnecessary amount of tote bags”, says he first began bringing his own glass after being served a Behemoth Brewing hazy IPA in “just a standard bloody pint glass”.

“You lose most of the aroma profile straight away,” Cooper explained while carefully unpacking a tulip-shaped glass from a padded laptop sleeve. “People think it’s pretentious but it’s just about getting the beer the way the brewer intended.”

Witnesses say Cooper now quietly arrives at bars carrying what appears to be “a range of fragile scientific equipment”, before politely asking staff to “just pour directly into this one if that’s all good”.

“I’m actually making things easier for everyone,” Cooper said.

“You’d be surprised how many bars still don’t understand presentation. Some places are serving good beer in glasses designed for like, Lion Red. If that’s your thing fair enough, but certain beers need room to open up.”

Friends say the situation escalated after Cooper began briefly rinsing his own glassware in the bathroom beforehand “to neutralise any foreign detergent aromas”.

“He’s still a good bloke,” said mate Jason Reid.

“But there’s definitely a moment now when the beers arrive and Nathan sort of holds his glass up to the light like he’s checking a urine sample.”

Bar staff across Hawkes Bay have reportedly adapted well to the trend, with several admitting they initially assumed Cooper had some kind of severe allergy.

Cooper told reporters that the only thing he’s allergic to is inappropriate glassware.

“You need the right tool for the right job”.

More to come.

The post Craft Beer Guy Brings Own Glassware To Bar To Optimise Experience appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

EVOLVED TASTES

Christchurch man Jason Miller, 36, has confirmed he can no longer “just grab a box” after developing what mates describe as “a fully unnecessary relationship with craft beer”.

Friends say Miller was once known for drinking whatever was cheapest, coldest and closest during his twenties, including Cody’s, Double Browns and VBs from the dairy.

But sometime around 2021, Miller reportedly began using phrases like “a bit more sessionable” and “I’m after something interesting tonight”.

“He used to drink anything,” said longtime mate Aaron Peters.

“Now he stands in front of the craft beer fridge at New World like he’s deciding which university he wants go to.”

Miller denies he’s become difficult, insisting his tastes have simply “evolved a bit”.

“You just get older don’t you,” he explained while holding two different Behemoth four-packs at chest height for comparison.

“You start appreciating quality more. I’m not saying I’m above a standard lager. I just think if I’m gonna drink six beers on the couch while watching YouTube, they may as well have some personality.”

Witnesses say supermarket trips with Miller now take significantly longer than necessary, with the 36-year-old often quietly reading the sides of cans before making a vibe-based decision.

“There’s a lot going on in the beer scene now,” Miller said.

“You’ve got your hazies, your West Coasts, your roasted stouts, your APAs. It’s honestly a good time to be curious.”

Flatmates report Miller also recently began refrigerating specific beers separately “for optimal drinking windows”, despite still consuming them while wearing his same old trackpants with the stain on the front.

“He talks about flavour profiles heaps now,” said flatmate Chris Hall.

“But at the end of the day he’s still sitting there eating chicken tenders and watching UFC highlights on his phone.”

Miller was allegedly last seen spending $22.99 on six cans because “they looked pretty decent actually”.

More to come.

The post Bloke Who Used To Drink Anything Now Apparently Needs “Something Interesting” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

AISLE OF ANGER

Nelson woman Nicole Harris has confirmed she was left “honestly disappointed” this week after her partner failed to match her response to Pak n Save once again rearranging their shopping aisles.

On Sunday afternoon the couple entered the Richmond supermarket to do what Nicole described as “a very straightforward shop”, when they discovered the wraps had been moved away from the bread section “for no real reason at all.”

Nicole reportedly became visibly frustrated by the change, while her partner Matt continued pushing the trolley with what she called a “completely inappropriate level of calm.”

“I just thought he’d at least acknowledge how annoying it was,” said Nicole while unpacking groceries into matching glass containers. “Fair enough if you don’t want to fully rant about it, but he was acting like it was some tiny thing.”

Nicole says the situation worsened after Matt suggested the supermarket may have “had their reasons” for changing the layout.

“That was probably the worst part of it. He started talking about ‘the flow of traffic’ and saying maybe they’d analysed customer behaviour. Since when are we defending Pak n Save?”

Matt confirmed he had noticed the change but did not realise he was expected to emotionally engage with it.

“I just figured they’d moved some stuff around,” he said. “She kept looking at me waiting for something and eventually I realised I was apparently meant to be angry too.”

He later attempted to recover the situation by calling the new layout “bloody confusing,” though Nicole said the comment felt forced and “far too late to feel genuine.”

Relationship expert and Nicole’s friend Emma Thompson says situations like this are common in long-term relationships.

“A lot of women aren’t necessarily looking for solutions,” she explained. “They just want confirmation that the thing was in fact annoying and that they’re not alone in carrying the emotional burden of noticing irritating changes at the supermarket.”

Later today, Matt had reportedly said the new chip location “actually is a bit cooked”, but was apparently not able to convince Nicole that he actually cared that much.

More to come.

The post Local Woman Annoyed That Partner Was Not Also Annoyed By Thing That Annoyed Her appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MUSCLE MEMORY

A Palmerston North man has confirmed that despite not touching a calculator in nearly two decades, his body still instinctively remembers the exact sequence required to spell “BOOBIES” upside down.

The incident occurred Tuesday evening after 34-year-old Ryan Fletcher discovered an old Casio calculator while cleaning out an oversized Sistema container in his garage.

According to Fletcher, the device still had enough battery life to perform what he described as “the only calculation he regularly referred back to.”

“I didn’t even have to think about it,” said Fletcher, holding the calculator like it was an artefact found at some archaeological dig. “I turned it on, typed 5318008, flipped it upside down and just started grinning at it, with no one around me.”

Fletcher said the move felt “completely automatic,” comparing it to riding a bike or backing out of a very familiar driveway.

“You spend all of intermediate trying to get the biggest possible reaction from any and all boys that may be nearby. This knowledge is going to stay in my brain for life.”

He admitted he briefly considered showing his wife before deciding the inevitable eye roll wouldn’t actually be worth the effort. 

Friends who later heard about the discovery were reportedly unsurprised.

“Makes sense that Ryan remembers calculator boobies but forgets literally any important password,” said mate Josh McKenzie. “If civilisation collapsed tomorrow, the rebuild would be very difficult but I think men would still find a way to write boobs on things.”

Fletcher reportedly also attempted to spell other words on his newly discovered Casio, but was never able to out-do the GOAT.

More to come.

The post Local Bloke Finds Old Calculator And Immediately Types “5318008” Like He’s In Intermediate Again appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

COMMENTS OPEN

Tauranga’s Keith Williams, 72, has confirmed he has successfully transitioned his long-standing habit of formally complaining to the Broadcasting Standards Authority into what he is calling a “more direct channel.”

The discovery comes following news that the BSA is set to be disestablished, leaving Keith briefly unsure where he would direct his concerns about what he describes as “bloody inappropriate content” on New Zealand television.

“I used to sit down, draft something up, maybe sleep on it, then send it through the proper channels,” says Williams. “Now that the BSA’s disappearing I’ve had to do my duty a different way, which is actually much faster. I can get on Facebook while the ad’s still playing and tell the right people to pull their heads in.”

Keith says the shift has allowed him to respond in real time to issues such as suggestive burger commercials, confusing bank ads and free to air cricket games “being commentated by a bunch of puerile bloody idiots.”

“You see something dodgy or ridiculous, you pause the TV, grab your phone and bang, you’re in the comments,” he explains. “Nine times out of ten someone else has already kicked off about it, so you just add your bit. It’s a good community system.”

Williams says he particularly enjoys the ability to engage directly with others who are equally concerned, often escalating matters well beyond the original issue.

“Next thing you know you’re talking about bloody Jacinda and the decline of society as a whole,” he says. “That wouldn’t happen through a formal complaint form.”

Local friend and occasional viewing companion Steve Rata says Keith has taken to the new platform like a duck to water.

“Before he was spending half an hour writing a complaint, but now he’s doing five or six posts a night, while also getting into angry exchanges with total strangers,” says Rata. “He’s way more productive, to be honest.”

Williams was last seen drafting a Facebook comment about an ad for women’s sanitary products, noting he was “just asking questions” and expecting “a decent response.”

More to come.

The post Regular Complainer To The BSA Discovers He Can Also Cry About Things On Facebook appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FEED FAVOURITE

Auckland company exec Doug Sinclair has generated a fair bit of buzz for his Instagram skills and his eye for talent. 

Sources have told our reporters that every time Instagram suggests a good-looking female influencer, Doug’s name seems to appear in the “followed by” section. 

“It’s beyond uncanny,” says one colleague of Doug’s. “He spends his days managing a modest team of 15 in central Auckland, but the second a model, dancer, cheerleader or fitness influencer posts anything, Doug’s there first, liking the post and almost always dropping a fire emoji in the comments.”

The irony is Doug hasn’t had any experience in modelling, dancing, cheerleading or fitness. He just has a comprehensive portfolio of experts from those arenas in his Instagram..

Doug’s personal Instagram feed mainly features photos of his wife, three kids and golf courses around New Zealand. He has also posted pictures of classic cars and scenic vistas, often with a beverage in the foreground.

Despite the online activity where he seems to attempt to connect with women half his age, coworkers say Sinclair keeps a fairly conventional offline presence.

“He’s still very much ‘dad at Bunnings on a Saturday,’” one colleague said. “Golf, family photos, the occasional sunset with a beer in the foreground. Then you check his likes and it’s like a completely different personality has taken over.

“I assume Doug’s wife hasn’t seen his Instagram activity?”

Doug was unavailable for comment.

More to come.

The post 52-Year-Old Middle Manager Struggling to Explain Instagram Feed Full of Influencers Half His Age appeared first on The Whakataki Times.