BUILDING RAPPORT

A 30 year old project coordinator from the Ministry of Financially Understandable Decisions (MFUD) put on an absolute clinic this afternoon. 

After sitting through two hours of project updates from “subject matter experts” saying that an IT project that was two months overdue was definitely going to be delivered next week, Laura Dermott was in a less than happy mood. 

“They haven’t been able to make the software work in testing, and yet somehow they think it’s going to suddenly start working next week. Incredible. To be honest, after that meeting I was in no state to be sending emails to anyone,” she told reporters.

Despite her condition however, Laura somehow mustered up the strength to write an email to another subject matter expert that same afternoon. It would be fair to say that this display of whanaungatanga (relationship building) would go down in public service history.

“Kia ora Carolyn, hope you’re well. Good weekend?” she began her email to 44 year old Carolyn Jonnassen, who had been on sick leave four out of five days last week. 

And while this may seem normal on the surface, the important thing to remember is that Laura does not care about this woman’s wellbeing in the slightest. 

“I wrote it without even thinking. I don’t care if this person had a good weekend or if they’re well or not. I just need her to read the bloody comms plan I sent to her and give feedback on it,” she said later after the mask had completely slipped. 

“Will it make a difference? Will she send me what I need? I don’t know, and at this stage I don’t know if I even care. 

“All that matters is that I did my best, followed up, and it’s all recorded in this email paper trail. 

“And let me be really honest, I couldn’t give a fuck about this person – but if you read my emails, it looks like I do. And that’s all that matters.”

More to come. 

The post Employee Types “Hope You’re Well” In Email To Colleague She Doesn’t Care About At All appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MATTER OF FAITH

Christchurch man Scott Price, 32, has opened his fridge for the fifth time in 20 minutes this afternoon, apparently hoping a brand-new meal has somehow appeared.

Price arrived home from a long day scaffolding shortly after 4:30pm, before immediately beginning the familiar routine of opening the fridge, staring inside, and then closing it again.

His girlfriend Katie has watched the process unfold several times.

“I don’t know what he’s expecting,” Katie said. “It’s the exact same food that was in there five minutes ago.”

Scott, however, remains optimistic on his chances of something worth eating appearing out of nowhere.

“Sometimes you just need to give it another look,” he said.

“I’ve got a feeling something good might turn up.”

When reminded that the contents had remained unchanged since his previous inspection, Scott said he understood that logically, but maintained that “things can happen.”

“I’m pretty sure there was something in there earlier that looked alright.”

Katie said Scott had already rejected several perfectly edible options in the fridge.

“He said he didn’t feel like leftovers, didn’t want toast and apparently making something is ‘a bit much’ after work. Honestly, I don’t care if he just gets Uber Eats at this point.”

More to come.

The post Man Opens Fridge For Fifth Time In 20 Minutes Hoping New Food Has Appeared appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MESSAGE RECEIVED

A 28-year-old Christchurch man has found himself firmly in the friend zone just days after meeting a woman at a run club, after she repeatedly referred to him as “mate” in their Instagram messages.

Rhys Macklin said he thought things had gone well when he met Chloe over the weekend, chatted after the run and exchanged Instagram accounts.

“I thought there was a bit of chemistry there,” Rhys said. “She messaged me later, so I thought, ‘Sweet, we’re cooking.’”

That optimism quickly disappeared when Chloe began dropping “mate” into their messages.

“First one, I thought, maybe she just talks like that.”

“The second time it happened, I started getting concerned.”

“By the third ‘mate’, I knew I had basically become one of her brothers, and totally uninteresting to her biologically.”

Rhys said the final blow came when Chloe replied “Hahaha thanks mate ” to a message he believed was “pretty clearly flirty.”

“That was devastating. I’d spent ages thinking about what to say and she responded like I’d just helped her change a tyre.”

Rhys said he has since accepted that he was friend-zoned before he even had a chance to make a move or develop a fully formed crush.

“I haven’t even been rejected properly. I’ve just been quietly reassigned.”

He said he would continue going to run club but was now prepared for the relationship to remain strictly platonic.

“If she calls me ‘bro’, though, I’m moving to another suburb.”

At press time, Rhys was reportedly staring at Chloe’s latest message, which ended with: 

“See you Thursday mate!”

More to come.

The post Local Bloke Enters Early Friend Zone After Getting Called “Mate” Via DM appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NOWHERE TO RUN

A 26-year-old Christchurch woman has become increasingly concerned that she has developed a “weird running style” despite general indifference from everyone around her. 

Sophie Hopkins, who recently decided to get into fitness, says she actually enjoys running but has become distracted by what she describes as “whatever the hell my arms are doing.”

“I like running, I genuinely do,” Sophie said. “But every time I see myself running past a reflection of a car or  window, I think, ‘Fuck, that looks weird.’”

Sophie said she has spent the past three weeks attempting to correct her running technique, despite having no formal knowledge of running technique.

“I’ve tried keeping my arms lower, then higher, then not moving them as much,” she explained. “At one point I was consciously thinking about every single step, which somehow made me run even more strangely.”

Her boyfriend reportedly told her she looked completely normal.

“I don’t believe him,” Sophie said. “I think everyone looks weird when they run. I just wish I could stop thinking about what my legs are doing.”

She is now considering taking up cycling, believing that sitting down and pedalling would be harder to get wrong. 

More to come.

The post Local Woman Getting Into Fitness Now Convinced She Has A Weird Running Style appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ALL IN VAIN

Jordie Halswell, a Wellington local who has already had two Wellington on a Plate burgers this month, attempted to cheat reality today. 

The 37 year old policy advisor from the Ministry of Education went for a sluggish 5 kilometre run last night, thinking it would somehow make a difference to the excessive amount of burgers he’s likely to eat this August. 

Halswell, whose heart is in the right place, told reporters that he “had to do something”. 

“Wellington on a Plate is a big deal to me and many of my colleagues at the MoE. And while I love a burger, they often do a lot of damage to my body, which I wasn’t that happy with in the first place,” he explained while tucking in to the third burger of his campaign. 

“That was my first run in months and was hard work.”

‘WOAP’ as it’s widely known has become a yearly opportunity for Wellingtonians to feel part of something, a sensation that is often lost in today’s modern world. Halswell has accepted it as a key part of his personality that only comes out once a year. 

“Look it’s not like I’m counting down the weeks until WOAP starts, as I do have other things going on. But once it’s here I’m really happy about it, and it’s a handy addition to my normal topics of conversation.”

The burger enthusiast finished off his burger and limped away from the table, still sore from his run, knowing full well that he would not attempt another one for at least two weeks. 

“The important thing is that I took action.”

More to come. 

The post WOAP TIME: Wellington Local Goes For Run In Futile Attempt To Counteract Burger Intake appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DREAM DWELLING

A Christchurch couple have somehow planned their entire future life after spending just 15 minutes walking through a potential first home.

Hannah Wilson and Brad Jones, both in their early 30s entered a Papanui property as first-home buyers, but left having already decided where the couch would go, what colour the nursery would be, and how they’d look to extend the deck for the kids, which they don’t have yet.

“We walked into the kitchen and Jeremy said, ‘This is where we’ll have Sunday breakfasts,’” said Kelly.

“I said we don’t even own the house yet, but five minutes later we were discussing Christmas lunch seating arrangements for our wider family.”

Jeremy admitted things escalated quickly.

“We’ve picked the garden layout, the dog’s sleeping spot, before we’ve even made an offer.”

Thankfully, Harcourts Holmwood real estate agent Max John Collinson-Smith was on hand to calmly guide the couple through their sudden property-induced life planning.

“Max was great,” said Kelly. “We were basically planning our next 20 years while standing in the hallway, and he talked us through the home’s potential without letting us get carried away before even putting an offer on.”

Jeremy said Max’s experience was exactly what they needed.

“He knows how emotional buying a first home can be. He lets you dream, but he also brings you back to reality. Which was important because we were already naming rooms.”

Max John said it was common for buyers to instantly imagine their lives in a property.

“When people walk into a home they naturally start picturing what life could look like there,” he said. “The key is helping them balance that excitement with practical advice.”

More to come.

Disclaimer | This story is based on real events but names and some points have been changed for this article. Max John Collinson-Smith is a licensed Sales Consultant under the REAA 2008 | #MaxJohnRealEstate

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DOMESTIC DIPLOMACY

Nelson woman Kara Watson, 33, has once again perfectly executed one of the oldest household traditions known to humanity: only wanting a cup of tea if someone else is already making one.

The breakthrough occurred at approximately 7:18pm when Kara overheard the sound of the kitchen kettle as it boiled water, which she had not instigated herself.

Without missing a beat, Kara reportedly responded from the couch, “Oh… I’ll have one too, if you’re making one.”

The sentence was delivered with the casual confidence of someone making an extraordinarily generous compromise.

“It’s not that I need a cup of tea,” Kara later explained. “I just happen to become interested in one the exact moment somebody else has committed to all the work.”

Shaun said he’d seen it coming.

“The funny thing is, five seconds earlier she had absolutely no interest in tea,” he said while locating the good mugs. “If I’d stayed sitting down, we’d both still be here watching TV. But the second I stand up, suddenly she’s remembered tea exists.”

Shaun admitted he’d briefly considered pretending the kettle was only for himself.

“I even thought about quietly boiling it and hoping she wouldn’t notice,” he said. “But kettles are louder than jet engines when you’re trying to be discreet.”

More to come.

The post Local Woman Will Have Cup Of Tea If Husband Is Making One appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

RISKY BUSINESS

Wellington commuter Jared Cunningham, 34, was spotted recklessly sitting on the Hutt Valley line service to Wellington this morning, apparently letting no external content enter his consciousness at all.  

Cunningham reportedly had “no phone out, no headphones, just his own thoughts,” according to multiple reports from concerned passengers. Some worry that the Upper Hutt man may have been forced to “ponder things independently”. 

“I just hope he’s okay,” said 24 year old Sophie who watched the incident unfold from a relatively safe distance. “He was just sitting there, switching between staring down the aisle of the train and staring out the window.”

After taking a moment to compose herself, Sophie continued. “It would have been fine if he had some headphones or some air pods, but he just had nothing. What if he remembered something he regretted from a decade ago or if he started thinking about where he’s falling short in life?” she asked sympathetically. 

“Why would anyone take a risk like that?”

21 year old Zade Walker was more candid in his assessment of the contentless commuter. “Yeah that guy was a maniac, I spotted him as soon as I got on the train and went straight back in the other direction into the next carriage. You can’t trust people like that, it’s just not worth the risk.”

Cunningham, who thankfully completed his commute without incident, claimed that he “just likes looking out the window”. Our reporters were on the scene to dig a little deeper. 

“You just sit there and do nothing and it’s fine. Sometimes you have thoughts and it’s like listening to a podcast that creates itself in real time. It’s difficult to explain,” he explained in a disconcertingly calm manner. 

“Sometimes you can even have a genuinely good idea come to you, which you could write down on paper if you wanted to.”

Cunningham declined multiple offers to speak with a psychologist following his ordeal. 

More to come. 

The post Local Maniac Rides Train With No Phone Out, No Headphones, Just His Own Thoughts appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

RESPECT

32 year old vegan Calvin Menzies earned praise this morning when he revealed that not only did his coffee order not contain cow’s milk, it didn’t contain any other kinds of non-dairy milk alternatives either. 

Menzies confidently asked for a “large Americano” at Wellington’s Raglan Roast cafe on Tuesday, saying that “if you’re going to cut out animal products, don’t try and have it both ways by having fake animal products.”

He said that he mostly just endured the taste of black coffee, but “the buzz and the relief of that first sip is all that really matters”.

Clearly still in an opinionated mood, the software developer took time to share his explosive world view with both media and innocent bystanders. 

“Oat milk is a disgrace and anyone who drinks it is a phony,” he told reporters who were stunned to discover such division within the community. 

“Same goes for fake meat. If you want to eat meat so much, just eat it. Stop pretending to be a vegan and stop being a coward.”

Menzies was later accused of not being a “real vegan” himself, as he regularly eats eggs produced by his own chickens. “I’ve got pet chickens that we look after, they lay eggs and we eat them. Plus I never said I was a vegan, I just said oat milk is for cowards.

He then swiftly left the cafe, leaving onlookers with mixed views on his outburst.

Bystander and public servant Aimee Geraldine was left visibly shaken by the display, clutching her oat milk latte and feeling considerably less pleased with herself. 

“He can’t just say that to people. What the hell? That is not okay.”

More to come. 

The post Admirable Vegan Man Endures Black Coffee Instead Of Having Oat Milk Like A Coward appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

THE EX FILES

Sophie Williams, 27 has become one of the first users to experience Instagram’s controversial new “emotional accuracy” feature, after discovering that “Somebody That I Used To Know” by Gotye and Kimbra now appears to play automatically when visiting an ex-partner’s Instagram account.

Williams said she was simply doing what thousands of people around New Zealand do after a breakup, checking up on someone she insists she has “completely moved on from”.

Williams, who split with her ex-boyfriend Jake earlier this year, said she decided to visit his Instagram profile after wondering what he had been up to.

“I wasn’t stalking him,” Sophie explained. “I was just having a quick look to see if he was doing okay, what he’d been up to, and whether he’d somehow changed his entire personality in the three months since we broke up.”

However, the routine Instagram investigation took an unexpected emotional turn when Sophie noticed the familiar opening notes of the 2011 hit begin playing the moment she opened Jake’s profile.

“At first I thought my phone was glitching,” she said. “Then I realised it was playing ‘Somebody That I Used To Know’ and I was like… wow, Instagram really knows exactly what I’m doing.”

Sophie said the timing of the song was “weird, but strangely comforting”.

“It actually made me feel better,” she admitted. “Because Jake is somebody that I used to know. Technically, that’s exactly what the song is about. It was like my phone was saying, ‘Hey, maybe looking at his profile for the fifth time today isn’t as strange as you think.’”

The new feature has reportedly been welcomed by recently single Instagram users, although some have questioned whether the technology is helping people move on or encouraging them to continue scrolling through old memories.

“I know it’s probably not healthy looking at his photos,” Sophie said. “But when the app plays a song reminding me he’s someone I used to know, it almost feels like permission to keep going.”

More to come.

The post New Instagram Feature Plays Kimbra’s “Somebody That I Used To Know” When Visiting Ex’s Account appeared first on The Whakataki Times.