SIDEWALK SAVINGS

Digby Jones, 33, from Christchurch, has heroically swapped his two-minute drive to the dairy for a ten-minute walk, citing “responsible petrol use” as fuel prices edge towards $3 a litre.

Jones bravely completed the ten-minute trek, all to save a few cents while global tensions in Iran keep petrol costs sky-high with a flow on effect to New Zealand.

“I just can’t justify $3 a litre for petrol. Not going to burn through that just to come grab a bottle of milk,” Jones said, puffing slightly, despite barely clocking up a kilometre.

Fuel prices across New Zealand have been climbing due to the conflict in Iran, pushing petrol in Wellington close to $2.89 per litre and Auckland around $2.60-$2.90.

New Lynn drivers are already paying $3.18 for unleaded, meaning people such as Jones are now voting with their feet.

“I’ve considered taking the bus, but then I’d have to interact with other human beings. That’s where I draw the line. Next time, I might even walk to the next suburb. Who needs petrol these days anyway?” Jones explained, feeling good about his stance against the global petrol chaos.

“Honestly, by the time I get back, I feel like I’ve done the dairy run and had a light cardio session. Double win!”

More to come.

The post PETROL PRICE CRISIS: Local Man Walks Ten Minutes To Dairy Instead Of Driving appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

U-TURN

Ben Fraser, 34, from Christchurch, who once achieved the rare and deeply confusing feat of failing his full driver licence practical test says he feels “cheated” by the Government’s newly announced changes to the licensing system. The changes mean people going from their restricted to full license won’t actually have to sit the test at all.

After failing his full licence in 2010 as a teenager, Fraser says today’s announcement has reopened emotional wounds he thought had healed, but very clearly have not.

“Every time I hear the words ‘practical driving test,’ my eye twitches and my mind goes back to when I failed my practical with that douchebag of a driving instructor,” he vented. “And now these kids won’t even have to sit a practical test at all? They just get their full license without doing anything?” 

Under the Government’s proposed changes, drivers will no longer need to sit a second practical test to progress from a restricted to a full licence, a move Transport Minister Chris Bishop says will make the system cheaper and more efficient and cut costs by around $80.

“I earned my damn licence the hard way. Failing once and then having to pay to resit the whole thing again. Now they’re just handing them out like free samples at Pak’nSave? 

“Teenagers just get everything bloody handed to them these days don’t they,” Fraser concluded, explaining that he’s now permanently suspicious of anyone under 25 behind the wheel.

More to come.

The post Local Man Who Somehow Failed His Full Licence Feels Cheated By New Changes appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DOPPELGANGER DANGER

Comedian Leigh Hart has issued an urgent clarification today: he is not, and has never been, New Zealand Prime Minister Christopher Luxon, just in case any US military helicopters happen to be on the prowl in Auckland.

“I wanted to clarify in case I got taken away by the US military in the dead of the night to a foreign country,” Hart explained, “President Trump, I am not Luxon. I repeat: not Luxon and never have been. Please triple check you you have the actual PM of New Zealand before you mistakenly abduct me,” explained Hart while on the lookout for any MH-60 Blackhawks flying overhead in Auckland.

The urgent plea comes after US President Donald Trump left open the possibility of “midnight retrieval operations” on foreign leaders, following his extraction of Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro.

Hart admitted the resemblance could be confusing to some.

“We both wear suits occasionally, we’re both Kiwi, born a day apart, same haircut, but that’s where it ends. I negotiate deals with chip and beer suppliers, not free trade agreements and I am not currently the Prime Minister of New Zealand,” Hart said, while wincing as a helicopter flew overhead.

“I have never run a country. The closest I’ve ever come to doing something for the nation was to distribute one chip to every Kiwi with Snackachangi and then I even had to pull out of that,” Hart concluded while taking off to an unknown location to avoid detection just in case the US military and FBI were tracking him.

Luxon himself declined to comment, reportedly busy installing extra locks on his doors.

More to come.

The post Leigh Hart Clarifies That He’s Not Christopher Luxon Just in Case Trump’s Planning A Kidnap appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

KEEPING OPTIONS OPEN

US President Donald Trump has confirmed he has “absolutely not ruled out” flying to New Zealand under the cover of darkness to capture Prime Minister Christopher Luxon, following the US military extraction of Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro.

Speaking to our reporters outside Air Force One, Trump said the New Zealand Prime Minister was “very grab-able”.

“Luxon, nice guy, very corporate, but a lot of Kiwis have been Tweeting at me saying, “Mr Trump, could you please kidnap Mr Luxon and he’s not very likeable, we want to get New Zealand back on track.”

Trump confirmed the probable operation would take place between 2:00 and 3:00am, as New Zealanders are “famously asleep and trusting at that time.”

“The middle of the night is the best night. Very few screens on. Very low vigilance nation,” he said.  “I hear they don’t even lock their cars there.”

The President suggested Luxon would be taken “swiftly but respectfully”, stressing that he has “great respect for men who wear navy suits and say ‘look’ before every sentence.”

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Christopher Luxon appeared unfazed, though notably standing several metres away from any helicopter and saying he was “focused on the real issues facing New Zealanders.”

“Look, I’m not losing sleep over it,” Luxon said, while flinching at the sound of a distant lawnmower.

“My job is to deliver for Kiwis. And if that means occasionally checking under the bed for the President of the United States, then so be it.”

More to come.

The post Trump Still Hasn’t Ruled Out Coming To New Zealand In The Middle Of The Night To Kidnap Luxon appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

Palmerston North-based frontline officer Sam Keane is trying his best to stay focused today, after some heinous reports of top tier police corruption came out this week.

The scandal surrounding Jevon McSkimming and the reported mishandling of criminal complaints by former Police Commissioner Andrew Coster has rattled the organisation Sam signed up to. Senior officers have been accused of influencing investigations, downgrading complaints and prioritising career-protection over justice.

The relatively new police constable meanwhile believes that his bosses haven’t made things easy for police officers on the ground to uphold the law.

“Hey look I’m out here trying to catch criminals and make the public feel safe and secure and all I’ll say is it would be really good if the people at the top weren’t such shit humans,” said the 25 year old as he got ready to start his day.

“Would also be great if they didn’t break the law and try to cover for freaky weirdos like ol pedo Jevon.”

Keane says it would also be a lot easier for him to do his job if people were able to have a bit of trust in the police. “Yeah well I’ll just keep my head down and do my best day by day, but look it’d be good if we could have a deputy commissioner who doesn’t watch disgusting illegal pornography on his work laptop. A big ask, I know, but I think the public would really appreciate it.”

The young officer says the scandal has made even the most routine parts of his job feel awkward.

“You walk up to someone’s front door, and before you can even say hello they’re like, ‘Ooh, here comes one of Jevon’s mates, how’s the hard drive?’ and you just have to smile and pretend the organisation you work for isn’t rotten to its core.”

Despite all the noise coming from the upper ranks, Keane insists most boots-on-the-ground officers are still trying to do right by the public.

“We’re just normal people doing a hard job. I didn’t join the police so I could try and defend the freaks and geeks on the top floor. I joined to help people. It’d be nice if the bosses could stop making my job harder by being a pack of sick c***s.”

He shrugged, clipped on his radio, and headed for the patrol car.

“It’s funny, because people used to say things like ‘why don’t you catch some real criminals’, when actually a lot of them work at the police!”

More to come. 

The post Local Cop Quite Keen For His Bosses To Not Break The Law And Try To Disgracefully Cover It Up appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WARDROBE WOES

The Green Party has been thrown into sudden disarray this week after reports of peace in the Middle East left members scrambling to find a new team uniform.

For the past two years, Green Party co-leader Chlöe Swarbrick has dutifully taken responsibility for washing the team’s iconic keffiyehs, the black-and-white scarves long regarded as both a fashion statement and a political position.

But with peace breaking out overseas, the party’s go-to outfit has officially been deemed “out of season,” leaving MPs looking “disturbingly uncoordinated,” according to party insiders.

“I mean far out, how are we supposed to be taken seriously or for something important, when we’re not sharply dressed as Palestinians?” Swarbrick asked earnestly, folding one of the freshly laundered scarves for what may be the final time.

While it may be a bit of a wardrobe dilemma for Swarbrick and her team, she was also quietly relieved to potentially part ways with her team’s laundry duties. 

“Between committee meetings, media interviews, the marches and protests, finding time to soak everyone’s scarves in eco-friendly detergent was starting to take its toll! Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad there’s peace in the Middle East, but we looked so good in them!”

When asked what the Greens might wear next, Swarbrick said the party was exploring several ethically conscious options.

“We’re looking into hemp ponchos, they’re breathable, biodegradable, and make you look like you’ve just finished a silent retreat in Golden Bay. But hey, we could dye our hair blue and yellow- there’s still stuff going on in Ukraine, isn’t there?”

More to come.

The post Swarbrick And The Greens In Need Of New Team Kit Now That There’s Peace In The Middle East appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

RELATABILITY REBOOT

The Prime Minister’s PR team has wrapped up what one insider described as a “desperate but creative” brainstorming session today.

With a string of dire polling results and Christopher Luxon’s ongoing struggle to come across as relatable to everyday Kiwis, the National Party’s brains trust has quietly floated the idea of replacing him with an AI-generated version for social media videos.

“All the videos we do of him just seem cringey and he doesn’t actually come across as genuine or human. I mean he’s more likely to get mistaken for a robot than an actual robot!” said one of his social media team, who has had the impossible task of making him seem human.

The plan involves creating deepfake-style AI videos that would allow “Virtual Luxon” to smile naturally, appear relaxed, and even laugh at a normal human volume.

“Imagine a Luxon who can say something as simple as ‘how good’s the weather today, eh?’ without it sounding like he’s reading from carefully crafted key messages,” said another staffer. “That’s the dream.”

Early prototypes of “Virtual Luxon” have tested well with the PR team.

“One version we trialled had him shaking hands on the street and saying, ‘Hi, I’m Christopher, nice to meet you. How are you today?’ We all cried tears of joy. It was the most human thing we’d ever seen him do,” admitted a campaign strategist.

Not everyone was convinced. One senior PR aide mused: “If we make him too normal, voters might realize he’s not actually real. But at this stage a fake AI Luxon is genuinely better and more human than the real thing.”

More to come.

The post Luxon’s PR Team Making AI Version Of Him That Seems More Human appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BAD BLOOD

Comedian Leigh Hart has had a frustrating week, despite spending most of it relaxing at the eco lodge.

The Snackachangi frontman has been continually confused with the guy who keeps asking Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce to come to New Zealand to get married. 

“It’s getting ridiculous,” Hart said, shaking his head while quietly snacking on a few chips. “I’m not making weird videos for overseas celebrities or trying to get them to relocate to New Zealand, but for some reason, the prime minister is!”

Hart says he noticed the confusion when his social media started filling up with messages like, “Leigh, what are you messaging Taylor Swift for? It’s weird” and “Hey Hart, Travis Kelce doesn’t care about rugby.”

It started when Prime Minister Christopher Luxon reached out to Swift and Kelce via a video he made last week, desperately pleading for them to get married in New Zealand.

“I’ve been in the business long enough to know people confuse me for, well, weird things sometimes,” he said. “But now it’s the Prime Minister. Luxon’s been making cringey videos and tweeting American celebrities. And somehow, I’m the one getting blamed for it,” Hart said incredulously.

“Look, I’ve got a lot on my plate and I don’t really have time to set up destination weddings for celebrities. If Luxon wants to do that, he can – just leave me out of it.”

Hart cut the interview short when he was interrupted by yet another direct message from someone who thought he was the prime minister.

More to come. 

The post Leigh Hart Sick And Tired Of Getting Confused With Bloke Who Keeps Pesting Taylor Swift appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

YOU BELONG WITH ME

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon is once again trying to attract Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce to New Zealand.

Today Luxon’s Government approved foreign investment in New Zealand from overseas buyers, but only if they invest a minimum of $5 million into New Zealand. This has been interpreted as a clear attempt to appeal to celebrities and rich listers.

“Of course, we know you have options, but New Zealand has everything from stunning landscapes to world-class experiences. Not only would we love  to host you for your wedding, but to also make New Zealand your forever home,” Luxon pleaded in another humiliating social media post.

Last week, Luxon posted a painfully earnest video congratulating Swift and Kelce on their engagement, clearly hoping to nudge them into a Kiwi wedding.

“Well, Taylor and Travis, a big congratulations on this fantastic news. Getting engaged is such an exciting time,” Luxon said a few days ago, before pivoting into his pre-written Tourism NZ key messages.

“Now I know you might not be thinking this far ahead, but there would be no better place in the world to have the wedding than here in New Zealand, or even your honeymoon,” he said.

This week, he couldn’t help himself but try his hand again just days after the power couple’s engagement. 

“So Taylor and Travis, what I’ve done now is I’ve made sure you can buy your dream home in New Zealand. I’ve lifted the foreign buyer rules and made sure you can live your fairy tale life. Gee, Travis, I’d love to play a round of golf with you and have a boys day out!”

“If you buy your dream mansion here, we can promise uninterrupted serenity and hey, I can even make you some of our classic pavlova!”

More to come. 

The post Luxon Desperately Trying To Sell A New Zealand House To Taylor Swift And Travis Kelce appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CASE CLOSED

Sitting on his well-worn stool at his local pub in Shirley, Christchurch, 62-year-old Barry Binstead loudly declared that he could wrap up the Tom Phillips saga “by smoko tomorrow, no worries.”

Phillips, the Marokopa man missing with his three children since December 2021, has recently been linked to two alleged burglaries, the latest occurring on Wednesday at a Piopio superette. But according to Binstead, police are simply “not thinking outside the square.”

“They’ve had three years, millions of dollars, helicopters, drones, all that bloody technology,” Barry explained while squinting at the Stuff article on his cracked Samsung Galaxy. “Me? I’d just get in the Corolla, chuck the dog in the back, and track him down easy as.”

Binstead, who has never worked in law enforcement but did once chase a mate’s escaped goat through Shirley in the late ’90s, believes his approach would be more efficient than the current police operation.

“You’ve gotta think like Tom,” he told the bar, now mostly captive to his theory. “If I was hooning around on a quad bike stealing milk at two in the morning, I’d be hiding out in a woolshed or an old shipping container. That’s where you start. Not these bloody news conferences.”

Patrons report that this isn’t the first time Barry has outlined his plan. “He brings it up every time there’s a new story,” said fellow drinker Wayne Prentice. “Last time it was, ‘I’d smoke him out with a couple of gas bottles and a packet of sausages.’ Before that, it was, ‘Just get the boys from Shirley Rugby Club, job done.’”

Barry insists he would not only capture Phillips but also deliver him to the nearest police station before the kettle boiled. “By smoko, easy. Cops just need to give me the green light. And a bit of petrol money.”

When asked whether he was concerned about Phillips’ history with firearms, Barry waved off the risk. “Mate, he’d take one look at me and pack it in. I’ll smoke Tom Phillips out by smoko tomorrow if the police would let me!”

More to come. 

The post Old Boy At The Pub Says He’d Have Tom Phillips In Handcuffs By Smoko Tomorrow appeared first on The Whakataki Times.