ALIGNING PRIORITIES

A Wellington public servant has confirmed he inserted the word “strategic” into a routine sentence during a meeting on Tuesday, in what colleagues describe as a bold attempt to improve how it sounded.

Senior advisor Mark Ellison, 38, said the adjustment came to him naturally while discussing an otherwise ordinary piece of work.

“I just thought instead of saying it’s a plan, I’d say it’s a strategic plan,” Ellison explained. “It instantly felt more intentional.”

Ellison, who wouldn’t reveal which ministry or “working group” he’s working for, said the word helps signal depth, even when depth may not be immediately visible.

“You can’t really argue with strategic, you know. It suggests there’s a bigger picture happening somewhere.”

He confirmed he has also trialled phrases such as “strategic alignment” and “strategic intent” in recent weeks.

“It just slows the room down a bit. People nod more. There’s less follow up questions.”

Colleague Sarah Prasad said the move is part of a wider pattern across the floor.

“Once someone says strategic, you sort of assume they’ve thought about it properly,” Prasad said. “No one wants to be the person asking what that actually means.”

Prasad confirmed she has personally begun describing her weekly catch up as a “strategic touchpoint.”

Ellison has since updated two documents and one email to include the word, noting he is considering elevating his to-do list to a “strategic personal work programme.”

“At the end of the day, we’re here to be strategic about things,” Ellison said. “Whatever those things are.”

More to come.

The post Public Servant Adds The Word “Strategic” To Sentence And Hopes That Helps appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS

A new study from the NZ Nutrition Foundation has reluctantly discovered that the traditional healthy breakfast of cereals, grains and fruit is not the killer combo we all thought it was. 

It found that a pie and a can of V energy drink contained the perfect balance of protein, fat, carbohydrate and caffeine that’s needed in the morning, particularly for people with physical jobs that involve fixing and building things. 

Lauren Gable, a seasoned dietitian from the Nutrition Foundation, was suitably surprised, disgusted and appalled by the findings. “This goes against everything we thought we knew about nutrition and I can barely believe it,” she said. 

“Apparently tradies, in particular the ones who do all the work on a given job site, are able to stay perfectly healthy, fit and strong by having this breakfast each day on their way to work.

“I personally haven’t had a pie in 20 years, and I’ve never once had an energy drink. But if this is what the science says then I suppose I have to go with it,” she sighed as she slunk back in her chair, defeated. 

Dylan Rigby, a strong and trim specimen in his late teens, stopped as he was coming out of a Dunedin Night n Day to explain his food of choice. “On my way to a job in town, just labouring but building my skills up. Went with the mince and cheese, plus a standard V. Sometimes get the blue V or just a strawberry Up and Go. Fuel in the tank!” he said as pastry crumbled down onto his hi-vis. 

“You don’t need science to know that this is a good brekkie if you’re out getting shit done,” he said, firing a subtle shot at the ‘laptop class’. 

“Energy in, energy out”.

More to come.

The post Pie And Can Of V Found To Be Most Nutritionally Optimal Breakfast For Tradies appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BACK ON TRACK

In a bold return to so-called “2015 vibes,” Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has announced plans for a second national flag referendum, this time pitting the current New Zealand flag directly against the legendary “Laser Kiwi.”

The move is widely seen as Luxon’s attempt to channel the political instincts of John Key, the leader he has long been rumoured to admire both professionally and spiritually.

“Look, what I will say is New Zealanders loved having a say on the flag last time,” Luxon told media, standing in front of a hastily printed out copy of the laser-eyed bird. “And I think what people are really crying out for right now is a clear, simple choice. Current flag, or laser kiwi. That’s it.”

The “Laser Kiwi” design, which gained a cult following online during the original referendum, features a kiwi shooting green laser beams from its eyes and has since been widely regarded as “objectively better” by many New Zealanders.

Luxon says the streamlined, two-option referendum will avoid the confusion they had last time with that weird multiple-round playoff situation.

“People don’t want complexity,” he explained. “They want decisive leadership, and a bird with lasers coming out of its face.”

Political analysts suggest the Prime Minister may be hoping to recreate the widespread engagement and distraction generated by the original flag debate, widely remembered as a time when the nation briefly forgot about everything else.

“Back then, everyone had an opinion,” said one commentator. “If Luxon can get people arguing about flags again, there’s a chance they’ll forget how much they don’t like him.”

More to come. 

The post Prime Minister Says He Can Win Back Support With A Second Flag Referendum On Laser Kiwi appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HOLY HYDRATION

Dunedin students have flocked to local pubs to celebrate new laws letting Kiwis buy booze on Good Friday without the hassle of ordering a side of fries.

Otago University students Jonty and Matt, who’d come from their Castle Street flat, the “Piss Shack,” said the new laws meant they could finally enjoy a few cold ones at their local without having to pretend they were there for the “gastronomy.”

“Oh man, it’s so good to have the bars open normally. Usually, we’ve only got empties lying around at home,” Jonty said—referring to the knee-deep pile of boxes and bottles he’d climbed over just to get to the door.

Matt, wearing a Speights dressing gown and a single Highlanders-branded Croc, nodded in agreement.

“Previously, you had to buy a ‘substantial meal’ just to get a glass of Vitamin Speights, which is a violation of our basic human rights I reckon. I don’t want a $60 wagyu steak, I want a pint and a sense of belonging.

 Now, if I wake up on Good Friday and realise the only liquid in the flat is the condensation on the windows, I can just wander down to the pub like a civilized breather.”

The pair argued that the ‘liquid lunch” initiative wasn’t just about binge drinking, but about honouring the spirit of the holiday.

“Easter is about rebirth, isn’t it?” Jonty said. “Nothing says ‘rebirth’ like cracking a cold one before the sun rises at like midday in Dunedin. It’s a spiritual experience, really.”

A spokesperson from the Otago University Students’ Association (OUSA) noted that the law change significantly reduces the risk of students resorting to “Plan B.”

“Before this law, students were just stockpiling room-temperature boxes, acting as if they’d need all this alcohol to stay warm in their damp flats,” the spokesperson said.

“By Saturday night, this meant most flats, which are traditionally kept very neat, were basically health hazards. Letting them go to a managed environment like a pub is just common sense.”

As for the critics who suggest that celebrating a religious holiday with plenty of pints might be “a bit much,” Jonty was quick to dismiss them.

“With the price of tuna and 2-minute noodles these days, a pint of stout is basically a meal replacement,” he explained, gesturing to the pub menu he was using as a coaster.

“It’s made of grain. That’s one of the food groups. We’re just being health-conscious,” he explains, as a group of students at the next table move to dismiss the waiter who’d come to take their order, saying “we’re just here for the pints, thanks.”

More to come.

The post Dunedin Students Instinctively Celebrate Alcohol Law Change With ‘Liquid Lunch’ appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ALL ADDS UP

New Zealand Prime Minister Leigh Hart, formerly of Moon TV and Sportscafe fame, says it’s the little things that will end up getting us through this fuel crisis. 

Hart held a press conference this afternoon to say that when you’re driving somewhere, why not try parking a kilometre or two short of your destination and then walking the rest of the way. 

“Look it’s a win win for New Zealanders. What the people want is to use less petrol and to fit in more exercise. Everyone’s so busy these days, it’s hard to do both. But surprise surprise I’ve been the one to figure all that out,” he said. 

“People might say it’s missing the point, and that petrol still costs too much, but those people are bloody stupid. At the end of the day, if you spend less, then it costs you less.”

Hart says the biggest benefit of his new scheme is there’s no admin involved and it won’t cost the government any more money. 

“Look we did the subsidy thing for people that really need it, and I think it’s working but geez that was a muckaround to get sorted.

“End of the day, it’s common sense that’s going to get people over the line, not some squirrely bureaucrat in Wellington.”

Opposition leader Chris Hipkins rubbished the idea, saying the cost of petrol is definitely the government’s fault, before quickly disappearing to avoid any unrelated questions about his party’s pandemic response. 

“Well, this is the government of the day and Mr Hart should have been prepared for an oil shock like this, and the reality is he just wasn’t. Okay, no more questions? Good, thanks.”

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Hart revealed more detail for his new scheme. 

“See what you do is you set up your satNav or ya Google Maps and just pre-plan how far away you’re going to park from where you actually need to be. I’d pull up short by a kilometre most days, but I’d go two if I’m feeling keen and I’ve got the time.”

More to come. 

The post TAKING THE LEAD: Prime Minister Says To Park A Bit Down The Road To Save Money At The Pump appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SO FAKE

An 11-year-old boy has reportedly dismissed one of rugby’s most legendary figures as “clearly fake” and “AI” after stumbling across highlight footage of Jonah Lomu on YouTube.

Jaxon Webb, a Year 7 student who describes himself as “pretty onto it with AI stuff,” said the clips looked “way too unrealistic to be real human gameplay.”

“I mean, I’ve seen some big runs in rugby in Super Rugby” said Webb, pausing mid-scroll. “But there’s no way someone that size is running that fast and just bowling people over like NPCs. That’s AI, 100%.”

Webb’s skepticism peaked after viewing footage from the 1995 Rugby World Cup, where Lomu famously steamrolled England defender Mike Catt.

“There’s literally a clip where he just runs straight over this dude,” Webb said. “Like, fully flattens him. No sidestep, no nothing. Just deletes him. That doesn’t happen in real life. That’s generated content.”

Jaxon’s mother, Karen Webb, said she wasn’t surprised by her son’s conclusion, admitting she may have contributed to his confusion after repeatedly warning him about the dangers of the internet.

“I always tell him, ‘Don’t believe everything you see online, there’s AI everywhere now,’” she explained. “I didn’t think he’d apply that logic to actual history, but here we are.”

Despite her attempts to clarify that Lomu was, in fact, a real person who terrorised defences for the All Blacks in the 90s and early 2000s, Jaxon remains unconvinced.

“If he was real, why haven’t we seen anyone like him since?” he argued. “Like, where are the other Jonahs? You can’t just have one guy built like that. It doesn’t add up.”

Meanwhile, historians are reportedly bracing for further claims that the All Blacks’ dominance in the 90s was “scripted,” and that VHS tapes may soon be dismissed as “early deepfakes.”

At the time of publication, Jaxon had moved on to watching clips of Christian Cullen, but confirmed he was “keeping an eye out for glitches.”

More to come.

The post Kids Convinced Jonah Lomu Was AI Generated After Being Shown His Rampaging Highlights appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ENTREPRENEURIAL ENERGY

A Wellington man has confirmed that his carefully branded “side hustle” has generated $11 in revenue over the past two years.

Ethan Clarke, 29, describes himself as a “digital entrepreneur” despite acknowledging that most of his earnings came from one Trade Me sale in late 2023.

“It’s not about the money yet,” Clarke explained. “I’m taking the time to build up a strong system.”

Clarke said his side hustle involves dropshipping, content strategy and “leveraging attention.”

“I’m playing the long game,” he said. “Eleven dollars might seem small but at this stage it’s proof of concept.”

The local man confirmed he spends most evenings refining logos and updating his bio, saying that “you’ve got to look bigger than you are first, and then you scale.”

Flatmate Josh Turner said the hustle appears largely theoretical. “He talks about passive income a lot,” Turner said. “But what I’ve mostly seen is a lot of time spent on Canva.”

Clarke remains confident the breakthrough is imminent.

“All big businesses start somewhere,” he said. “Rome wasn’t built in a day and I’m pretty sure they didn’t make a profit from day one either.”

At time of writing, Clarke was reportedly considering reinvesting his $11 into a new domain name to “help with SEO”.

More to come. 

The post Local Man’s Self-Described “Side Hustle” Has Reportedly Netted Him $11 Since 2023 appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BEATING TRAFFIC

A Wellington cyclist has once again confirmed that biking to work is “actually faster, ay,” during a conversation that did not involve transport logistics.

Daniel Moore, 34, made the comments unprompted while colleagues discussed roadworks near the Terrace tunnel. Moore, who cycles from Newtown to the CBD regardless of weather conditions, said the numbers “don’t lie”.

“It’s genuinely quicker,” Moore said, shaking rain off his high vis jacket in the office kitchen. “Door to door, I’m beating cars most days.”

Moore said people underestimate the efficiency of two wheels.

“Everyone thinks I’m doing it for fitness or the planet or whatever. But it’s just faster. You skip the traffic, you don’t pay for parking. Easy.”

He confirmed he has timed the journey “multiple times” and maintains a mental leaderboard comparing himself to various colleagues’ commute estimates.

“I passed three utes stuck on Adelaide Road this morning. Same ones every day. They’re not learning.”

Co worker Hannah Patel said the office is well aware of Moore’s commute statistics.

“He’ll come in soaked, shoes squelching, and before he’s even taken his helmet off he’ll say, ‘Twenty two minutes today,’” Patel said. “We didn’t ask. But fair enough.”

Patel confirmed that while most staff drive or bus in, Moore has positioned himself as a kind of unofficial transport analyst.

“He’s always got a fact ready. Like how many minutes he saved last month. Or how his thighs are basically infrastructure now.”

Moore said he does not bring it up to feel superior.

“I just think people should know it’s faster. That’s all. I’m not judging.”

He then checked MetService for the afternoon forecast and quietly began planning how to mention the tailwind tomorrow.

More to come.

The post Wellington Cyclist Mentions That “It’s Actually Faster”, Again appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CONTENT CREATOR MODE

A Wellington man has confirmed he is currently in the planning phase of launching his own podcast after experiencing what he described as “three genuinely interesting thoughts” over the course of a single weekend.

Daniel Harper, 33, said the ideas came to him while driving home from Mitre 10 and have since developed into what he believes could be a “long form audio exploration platform.”

“I just realised I’ve got a lot to say, you know,” Harper explained. “Not everyone sees things the way I do. There’s nuance there.”

Harper confirmed the thoughts covered modern work culture, why most people misunderstand caffeine, and a loose theory about how carparks reveal societal decline.

“I’m not saying I’ve cracked it,” he said. “But I do think people would benefit from hearing me unpack it properly. Probably in episodes. Forty five minutes minimum.”

Since Saturday, Harper has created a Notes app folder titled ‘Podcast Strategy’, purchased a $189 microphone online, and begun researching whether to call it something minimal like ‘Reflections’ or slightly punchier like ‘Unfiltered’.

His partner, Laura Mitchell, said the planning process has been thorough.

“He’s done a logo mock up already,” Mitchell said. “He hasn’t recorded anything but he’s very clear on the intro music vibe.”

Harper confirmed he is currently deciding whether to position the podcast as culture commentary, self development, or “just honest conversations that need to be had.”

“I don’t want it to be noise,” he said. “There’s already enough noise. This would be signal.”

At this stage, Harper believes the main barrier to launch is “timing”, despite acknowledging he has not yet articulated any of his alleged thoughts in full.

More to come.

The post Man Now In Planning Stage Of Starting His Own Podcast After Having Three Interesting Thoughts appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SENSIBLE KIWI

A Manawatu commuter has devised the ultimate hack for saving on fuel as prices continue to rise: disassembling her vehicle.

Samantha O’Connell is an office worker in Palmerston North by day, says the global oil crisis has caused her commute to and from the CBD to become unaffordable.

“I am the face of the office, the person who greets all our clients. I just can’t work from home, but getting to work was costing me an hour’s wages!”

After hearing from Finance Minister, Nicola Willis, this week, O’Connell realised she knew exactly what she needed to do to overcome the fuel price crunch.

“Minister Willis was right. Us sensible kiwis already know how to be economical with fuel. Like, duh, of course I borrow my mum’s car if I want to go do groceries.”

The challenge, according to O’Connell, was not how to be economical, but how to save money. As of this morning, it’s a challenge she claims to have cracked. Beaming with pride, she explained:

“It was just simple physics, really. Take out the seats, remove the doors, pull out the spare tyre and rip off the hub caps. Easy! The total mass of my vehicle is down by 30%.”

O’Connell speculates that she is the first Kiwi to have figured out this fuel-saving hack, but encourages others to do the same. 

“Like honestly, you don’t even need any tools to do it. Just a really big knife and some brute force will do it.”

When asked if she had tested the performance of her newly modified vehicle, O’Connell was less enthused.

“Yeah, so I accidentally cut the ignition cable.”

O’Connell has since topped up her Snapper card and intends to travel by bus for the remainder of the week.

More to come.

The post Commuter Looking For Ways To Save Money On Fuel Removes Seats From Car appeared first on The Whakataki Times.