CULTURE IS KING

An internal review at Wellington recruitment agency TalentForge has revealed the organisation has no official wellbeing strategy, and the culture they’ve nurtured is largely based on employees smashing back jars together on Friday afternoons and occasionally complaining about candidates.

The findings emerged after HR attempted to formally document the company’s culture for an award application.

What began as a search for policies and frameworks quickly uncovered that most staff simply enjoyed leaving work at 4.30 on a Friday and getting on the piss next door.

Senior Recruitment Consultant, Ben Ralston, said he was initially surprised by the findings.

“I always thought there was something a bit more sophisticated going on behind the scenes.”

“You hear people talking about workplace wellbeing programmes and resilience frameworks and all that. Then you realise our version is just six people drinking and chatting shit about Linkedin punishers.”

Ralston said the arrangement had been working effectively for years.

“If someone’s having a rough week, you buy them a beer. If someone’s had a good week, you buy them a beer. If someone lands a placement, beer. If they don’t land a placement, also beer. It’s a robust system.”

Office Manager Stacey Murray said attempts to introduce more structured initiatives had fallen flat.

“We brought in a mindfulness consultant once.”

“Half the office asked if ‘Mindfulness’ was a new CRM platform and the other half were already at the pub.”

Workplace culture specialist Dr Hamish Fletcher said the agency had inadvertently stumbled across a model common throughout New Zealand workplaces.

“A lot of organisations spend thousands trying to manufacture culture when culture is often just whether people enjoy spending time together after work.”

“Obviously there are limits to that approach, but it seems to be out-competing the old mindfulness webinar approach.”

TalentForge’s leadership have so far expressed no desire to formalise their piss-drinking into any kind of actual HR document. 

More to come.

The post Unwritten Staff Wellbeing Policy Revealed To Be Necking Piss After Work appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BREAD AND BUTTER ISSUES

Concern is growing across New Zealand as everyday drinkers continue to face what they are calling “unmanageable conditions” when purchasing beers, with many now openly asking why the Coalition has not stepped in to address the issue at a national level.

The cost of a standard pint has steadily crept up in recent years, leaving some Kiwis feeling like they are being forced into making “tough choices” between having four beers or “cutting back to a responsible three”.

Wellington office worker Jason Clarke says the situation has become “unsustainable”, particularly on Thursdays and Fridays. “You get to the bar and suddenly you’re looking at like $14 a pint,” he said.

“And you just think, how is this on me to deal with, you know? Bloody Luxon! There should be something in place. A rebate or a cap or some kind of traffic light system.”

Clarke says he has already taken steps to manage the pressure, including briefly considering going home after work instead of staying out.

“I looked at my budget and thought maybe I just have less beers,” he said.

“But then I thought actually, no, that’s not really addressing the root of the issue. That’s just me absorbing the impact.”

Others agree the responsibility should not sit with individuals.

“It’s the same as anything these days,” said Lower Hutt man Daniel Reeves. “You shouldn’t have to change your own behaviour. That’s what the government’s there for.”

Reeves says he would welcome a targeted support package, possibly including a weekly beer allowance or “some sort of subsidy for the first few rounds”.

Outside observers say the issue highlights a broader shift in how people view personal responsibility.

Local bartender Amy Ngata says she regularly hears customers discussing what “should be done” about the situation.

“There’s a lot of talk about solutions…” said Ngata, “…but not so much about people wanting to improve their own situations. That doesn’t seem to come up as much.”

At the time of writing, no policy announcements have come from any party, leaving many pundits wondering whether they actually know it’s an election year. 

More to come.

The post Still No Targeted Support For Kiwis Struggling With The Rising Cost Of Beers appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HOLY HYDRATION

Dunedin students have flocked to local pubs to celebrate new laws letting Kiwis buy booze on Good Friday without the hassle of ordering a side of fries.

Otago University students Jonty and Matt, who’d come from their Castle Street flat, the “Piss Shack,” said the new laws meant they could finally enjoy a few cold ones at their local without having to pretend they were there for the “gastronomy.”

“Oh man, it’s so good to have the bars open normally. Usually, we’ve only got empties lying around at home,” Jonty said—referring to the knee-deep pile of boxes and bottles he’d climbed over just to get to the door.

Matt, wearing a Speights dressing gown and a single Highlanders-branded Croc, nodded in agreement.

“Previously, you had to buy a ‘substantial meal’ just to get a glass of Vitamin Speights, which is a violation of our basic human rights I reckon. I don’t want a $60 wagyu steak, I want a pint and a sense of belonging.

 Now, if I wake up on Good Friday and realise the only liquid in the flat is the condensation on the windows, I can just wander down to the pub like a civilized breather.”

The pair argued that the ‘liquid lunch” initiative wasn’t just about binge drinking, but about honouring the spirit of the holiday.

“Easter is about rebirth, isn’t it?” Jonty said. “Nothing says ‘rebirth’ like cracking a cold one before the sun rises at like midday in Dunedin. It’s a spiritual experience, really.”

A spokesperson from the Otago University Students’ Association (OUSA) noted that the law change significantly reduces the risk of students resorting to “Plan B.”

“Before this law, students were just stockpiling room-temperature boxes, acting as if they’d need all this alcohol to stay warm in their damp flats,” the spokesperson said.

“By Saturday night, this meant most flats, which are traditionally kept very neat, were basically health hazards. Letting them go to a managed environment like a pub is just common sense.”

As for the critics who suggest that celebrating a religious holiday with plenty of pints might be “a bit much,” Jonty was quick to dismiss them.

“With the price of tuna and 2-minute noodles these days, a pint of stout is basically a meal replacement,” he explained, gesturing to the pub menu he was using as a coaster.

“It’s made of grain. That’s one of the food groups. We’re just being health-conscious,” he explains, as a group of students at the next table move to dismiss the waiter who’d come to take their order, saying “we’re just here for the pints, thanks.”

More to come.

The post Dunedin Students Instinctively Celebrate Alcohol Law Change With ‘Liquid Lunch’ appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SWEET DREAMS

Hannah Davies, 24, the Instagram wellness guru who insists on the importance of getting proper REM sleep each night definitely will not be getting any this weekend due to Christchurch’s Electric Ave music festival.

“You can’t green-smoothie your way out of a bad sleep schedule. Rest is the foundation,” Davies said, clearly a few lines deep into a white substance and right up the front of the festival’s main stage at Hagley Park.

The ever-growing popularity of Electric Avenue has seen pill testing tents set up at the gates, offering safety checks for substances that rarely contain ingredients like quinoa or activated charcoal. Hannah, however, opted for what she described as a “trust-based supply chain.”

“I believe in intuitive consumption,” she explained, moments before asking three strangers if the grass was “breathing aggressively.”

Despite spending the past six months flooding her Instagram stories with stern reminders that anything less than eight hours sleep is “self-sabotage,” Davies seemed remarkably relaxed about the fact she’d just shelved an entire circadian rhythm in favour of a suspiciously crumbly line she’d confidently described as “just a little boost.”

“You can’t out-green-juice a bad sleep schedule. Rest is the foundation,” she repeated diligently.

“I usually protect my sleep like it’s sacred,” Davies explained, bouncing lightly on the balls of her feet.

“But tonight, I’m open to exploring other dimensions of consciousness. Missing one full night can’t hurt, right? Just a little something to elevate the experience, y’know?”

More to come.

The post WIRED AWAKE: Health Guru Who Preaches 8 Hours Sleep Each Night Now On Fourth Line At Electric Ave appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

COASTAL CLAIM

A Gore man has continued referring to Mount Maunganui exclusively as “The Mount” despite living more than 1,500 kilometres away.

Brent Taylor, 42, confirmed the phrasing “just feels right.”

“Everyone calls it The Mount,” Taylor said. “It’s what you say.”

Taylor visits the Bay of Plenty town approximately once every three summers. “Spent New Year’s there in 2018,” he added. “Know it pretty well.”

Friends say the terminology becomes more frequent around holiday planning season.

“He’ll say things like ‘Might head up to The Mount this year’ as if he’s popping down the road,” said mate Darren McLeod.

Taylor insists the language is standard. “You wouldn’t say Mount Maunganui every time. That’s too formal. Sounds like you’re reading the news.”

When asked if he uses similar shorthand for other places, Taylor paused. “Not really. Just The Mount. Feels natural doesn’t it.”

At press time, Taylor was reportedly checking accommodation prices while reminding everyone it “it gets booked up really quick if you’re not early.”

More to come. 

The post Bloke Refers To Mount Maunganui As “The Mount” Despite Living In Gore appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION

A Palmerston North man has once again clarified that his hometown is “actually pretty central to everything, ay,” during a routine conversation that did not require clarification.

Jason Reid, 34, made the comments after a colleague suggested meeting in Wellington.

“People forget Palmy’s right in the middle,” Reid said. “Two hours to Wellington. Couple to Napier. Not far to New Plymouth. It’s basically the hub.”

Reid confirmed he often finds himself explaining the geography.

“Everyone thinks it’s just cows and wind. But it’s strategic. You can get anywhere.”

The Palmerston North local said the city’s centrality is underrated, ignoring his own main point which is essentially it’s a great place to leave to go somewhere else.

“We’re not trying to be flashy like Auckland. We’re just sensible. You want to go somewhere? Sweet as. It’s pretty central.”

A former university flatmate, now based in Auckland, said Reid has been delivering variations of the same speech since 2011.

“He used to draw imaginary maps in the air,” the flatmate recalled. “You’d just nod until he finished.”

Reid maintains the reputation issue is overblown.

“Look, I’m not saying it’s the capital. I’m just saying location wise, we’re hard to beat.”

Reid cut the interview short after having the sudden urge to calculate travel times to three separate cities no one had mentioned.

More to come. 

The post Palmerston North Man Confirms That “Actually Palmy Is Pretty Central To Everything” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HASHTAG WINNING

An unprecedented coup d’etat took place in Masterton this afternoon, with Alex Wilcox and her team of 30-somethings taking out first place at the weekly Pub Quiz. 

The so-called ‘Underdogs’ came from behind to knock out reigning champions, ‘Norfolk and Chance’, in a “Classic Hits” round that could only be described as a clean sweep for Wilcox and her team of trivia newcomers.

Elated by the win, Wilcox described how her elder millennial team mates thrust ahead to seize victory from their Boomer opponents:

“Almost the whole round was about Mumford & Sons, we could hardly believe it. The crusty old boys at the table next to us thought the whole round was about some kind of shoe brand.”

Wilcox admitted that she and her teammates were not expecting to ride to victory on the back of ‘Little Lion Man’ simply because the name of the round implied content far beyond the Underdogs’ living memory.

“We thought, you know, ‘Classic Hits’ it might be songs from old bands the Gee Bees or Salt, Wind and Fire. But it was all like new music that we listen to.”

The clincher, Wilcox said, was when players had to guess the name of Florence and the Machine’s ‘Dog Days are Over’ just from hearing the first ten seconds of the song.

“We knew we had it. We were literally playing it on the ride over to the pub, just re-living the time we all went to Laneway not that long ago.”

Asked why she thought these tracks might appear in the ‘Classic Hits’ quiz round, Wilcox could only speculate. 

“I guess they’re classic, like, just timeless bangers. Like even though these are just fresh tunes, they’re just gonna be classics even when we’re like, old and sad like the Boomers LOL.”

An Instagram post published after the quiz memorialises the Underdogs’ victory, declaring that they “Did a thing ”

More to come.

The post Local Millenial’s Quiz Team Tops the Table After Actually Knowing The Songs From The Music Round appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

COTTON-WOOLED CRYBABIES

Percy Wright, 72, longtime regular at the downtown pub in Oamaru, settled into his usual spot at the bar on a weekday to watch the Super Bowl in between horse races.

Armed with a pint of lager and decades of sporting wisdom, Wright did not hold back on his assessment of the American NFL spectacle.

“They’re too bloody soft,” he said, shaking his head as another commercial interrupted the game. “All that padding, all those helmets… back in my day, if you got hit, you’d tape yourself up and just get on with it!

“The players may as well be wearing bubble wrap! In rugby, a real man’s game, we got up with mud in our eyes and blood on our faces! That’s contact sport!”

Watching the ball disappear into yet another quarterback huddle, he muttered, “I’d be surprised if the ball was in play for more than five minutes in the whole game. Five bloody minutes of ball in play and the game takes five hours!” 

When asked what he thought of the helmets directly, Wright scoffed. “Helmets? Back in my day, if you wanted to protect your head, you used a bit of common sense. Maybe a tough skull. That’s all you needed.”

By the end of the game, Percy had made it clear that NFL footballers could never compete if they tried rugby union. “Too bloody soft!” he concluded.

More to come.

The post Old Boy At Pub Watching Super Bowl Says Players Are “Too Bloody Soft With Their Pads And Helmets” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

PUB FURY

Bernard “Bernie” Douglas, 72, has had a complete gutsful of the All Blacks coaching situation over the past week.

After Scott Robertson was sensationally sacked by NZ Rugby due to player feedback at the end of season review, Douglas has explained that if the AB’s actually just stopped being drama queens and focussed on tackling and winning test matches, then we wouldn’t have this situation. 

“You don’t fire Razor, you fire half the support staff, give the players a ball, and tell ‘em to sort themselves out. If they can’t tackle a bloke who’s running at them like a charging bull, maybe rugby’s not the sport for them.” Bernie said, chugging back his third pint in a New Plymouth bar.

Bernie blamed the current situation on what he calls “over-sophisticated soft-football syndrome,” a crippling mix of excessive strategy meetings and too much “Bloody Tik-toking or whatever it’s called.” he said with his blood pressure rising.

“Back in my day, you didn’t need a sports psychologist, you needed a bloke beside you who could actually hold his own face steady while he made a tackle!”

As Bernie angrily ordered another drink he had one final word for our reporters.

“The All Blacks will keep spinning in circles until someone remembers that rugby is a game you play with your body, not your feelings. Stop whining about the coaching staff. Tackle properly. Win games. It’s not complicated.”

“And don’t get me started on what I think of the goons at NZ Rugby!”

More to come.

The post Old Boy At Pub Says All Blacks Should Stop Being Drama Queens And Practice Their Tackling appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

PUB WISDOM

Barry Boulter, 72, says he didn’t want to comment on Scott “Razor” Robertson’s sacking this week, but felt morally obligated to do so after his third Speights at a Timaru bar. 

“I’m not one to get into rugby politics,” Barry announced on Saturday afternoon, moments before getting very deeply into rugby politics.

According to Barry, NZ Rugby’s decision to sack Robertson had nothing to do with systems, skill development, or long-term planning, and everything to do with the modern All Black not being “too bloody soft.”

“Back in our day you didn’t need sports psychologists,” Barry explained, tapping the bar for emphasis. “You just needed a bloke to yell at you and tell you to harden up and get back out there.”

Barry conceded that Razor was, in his words, “a good coach,” but maintained that responsibility ultimately rested with him anyway.

“Look, Razor’s the coach. The buck stops with him,” Barry said, pausing briefly to ask the bartender if the TAB was still taking bets on the next race at Addington. “And it’s about results. Simple as that. I don’t care what these show pony players have to say.”

When reminded that Robertson had only been in charge for less than a full World Cup cycle, Barry nodded thoughtfully before dismissing the point entirely.

Barry continued raising concerns about player toughness, citing evidence that included players wearing GPS vests, sitting on exercise bikes post-match, and “talking about feelings.”

“If a bloke’s hamstring went back then, you just taped it and carried on,” Barry said. “Now it’s all ‘load management’ and ‘player welfare.’ Rugby’s not supposed to be safe. It’s a real man’s game.”

“You’ve got to make tough calls and tell the players how it is. And if the players don’t like it, well, maybe they just need to harden up.”

More to come.

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