SWEET DREAMS

Hannah Davies, 24, the Instagram wellness guru who insists on the importance of getting proper REM sleep each night definitely will not be getting any this weekend due to Christchurch’s Electric Ave music festival.

“You can’t green-smoothie your way out of a bad sleep schedule. Rest is the foundation,” Davies said, clearly a few lines deep into a white substance and right up the front of the festival’s main stage at Hagley Park.

The ever-growing popularity of Electric Avenue has seen pill testing tents set up at the gates, offering safety checks for substances that rarely contain ingredients like quinoa or activated charcoal. Hannah, however, opted for what she described as a “trust-based supply chain.”

“I believe in intuitive consumption,” she explained, moments before asking three strangers if the grass was “breathing aggressively.”

Despite spending the past six months flooding her Instagram stories with stern reminders that anything less than eight hours sleep is “self-sabotage,” Davies seemed remarkably relaxed about the fact she’d just shelved an entire circadian rhythm in favour of a suspiciously crumbly line she’d confidently described as “just a little boost.”

“You can’t out-green-juice a bad sleep schedule. Rest is the foundation,” she repeated diligently.

“I usually protect my sleep like it’s sacred,” Davies explained, bouncing lightly on the balls of her feet.

“But tonight, I’m open to exploring other dimensions of consciousness. Missing one full night can’t hurt, right? Just a little something to elevate the experience, y’know?”

More to come.

The post WIRED AWAKE: Health Guru Who Preaches 8 Hours Sleep Each Night Now On Fourth Line At Electric Ave appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

COASTAL CLAIM

A Gore man has continued referring to Mount Maunganui exclusively as “The Mount” despite living more than 1,500 kilometres away.

Brent Taylor, 42, confirmed the phrasing “just feels right.”

“Everyone calls it The Mount,” Taylor said. “It’s what you say.”

Taylor visits the Bay of Plenty town approximately once every three summers. “Spent New Year’s there in 2018,” he added. “Know it pretty well.”

Friends say the terminology becomes more frequent around holiday planning season.

“He’ll say things like ‘Might head up to The Mount this year’ as if he’s popping down the road,” said mate Darren McLeod.

Taylor insists the language is standard. “You wouldn’t say Mount Maunganui every time. That’s too formal. Sounds like you’re reading the news.”

When asked if he uses similar shorthand for other places, Taylor paused. “Not really. Just The Mount. Feels natural doesn’t it.”

At press time, Taylor was reportedly checking accommodation prices while reminding everyone it “it gets booked up really quick if you’re not early.”

More to come. 

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LOCATION LOCATION LOCATION

A Palmerston North man has once again clarified that his hometown is “actually pretty central to everything, ay,” during a routine conversation that did not require clarification.

Jason Reid, 34, made the comments after a colleague suggested meeting in Wellington.

“People forget Palmy’s right in the middle,” Reid said. “Two hours to Wellington. Couple to Napier. Not far to New Plymouth. It’s basically the hub.”

Reid confirmed he often finds himself explaining the geography.

“Everyone thinks it’s just cows and wind. But it’s strategic. You can get anywhere.”

The Palmerston North local said the city’s centrality is underrated, ignoring his own main point which is essentially it’s a great place to leave to go somewhere else.

“We’re not trying to be flashy like Auckland. We’re just sensible. You want to go somewhere? Sweet as. It’s pretty central.”

A former university flatmate, now based in Auckland, said Reid has been delivering variations of the same speech since 2011.

“He used to draw imaginary maps in the air,” the flatmate recalled. “You’d just nod until he finished.”

Reid maintains the reputation issue is overblown.

“Look, I’m not saying it’s the capital. I’m just saying location wise, we’re hard to beat.”

Reid cut the interview short after having the sudden urge to calculate travel times to three separate cities no one had mentioned.

More to come. 

The post Palmerston North Man Confirms That “Actually Palmy Is Pretty Central To Everything” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HASHTAG WINNING

An unprecedented coup d’etat took place in Masterton this afternoon, with Alex Wilcox and her team of 30-somethings taking out first place at the weekly Pub Quiz. 

The so-called ‘Underdogs’ came from behind to knock out reigning champions, ‘Norfolk and Chance’, in a “Classic Hits” round that could only be described as a clean sweep for Wilcox and her team of trivia newcomers.

Elated by the win, Wilcox described how her elder millennial team mates thrust ahead to seize victory from their Boomer opponents:

“Almost the whole round was about Mumford & Sons, we could hardly believe it. The crusty old boys at the table next to us thought the whole round was about some kind of shoe brand.”

Wilcox admitted that she and her teammates were not expecting to ride to victory on the back of ‘Little Lion Man’ simply because the name of the round implied content far beyond the Underdogs’ living memory.

“We thought, you know, ‘Classic Hits’ it might be songs from old bands the Gee Bees or Salt, Wind and Fire. But it was all like new music that we listen to.”

The clincher, Wilcox said, was when players had to guess the name of Florence and the Machine’s ‘Dog Days are Over’ just from hearing the first ten seconds of the song.

“We knew we had it. We were literally playing it on the ride over to the pub, just re-living the time we all went to Laneway not that long ago.”

Asked why she thought these tracks might appear in the ‘Classic Hits’ quiz round, Wilcox could only speculate. 

“I guess they’re classic, like, just timeless bangers. Like even though these are just fresh tunes, they’re just gonna be classics even when we’re like, old and sad like the Boomers LOL.”

An Instagram post published after the quiz memorialises the Underdogs’ victory, declaring that they “Did a thing ”

More to come.

The post Local Millenial’s Quiz Team Tops the Table After Actually Knowing The Songs From The Music Round appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

COTTON-WOOLED CRYBABIES

Percy Wright, 72, longtime regular at the downtown pub in Oamaru, settled into his usual spot at the bar on a weekday to watch the Super Bowl in between horse races.

Armed with a pint of lager and decades of sporting wisdom, Wright did not hold back on his assessment of the American NFL spectacle.

“They’re too bloody soft,” he said, shaking his head as another commercial interrupted the game. “All that padding, all those helmets… back in my day, if you got hit, you’d tape yourself up and just get on with it!

“The players may as well be wearing bubble wrap! In rugby, a real man’s game, we got up with mud in our eyes and blood on our faces! That’s contact sport!”

Watching the ball disappear into yet another quarterback huddle, he muttered, “I’d be surprised if the ball was in play for more than five minutes in the whole game. Five bloody minutes of ball in play and the game takes five hours!” 

When asked what he thought of the helmets directly, Wright scoffed. “Helmets? Back in my day, if you wanted to protect your head, you used a bit of common sense. Maybe a tough skull. That’s all you needed.”

By the end of the game, Percy had made it clear that NFL footballers could never compete if they tried rugby union. “Too bloody soft!” he concluded.

More to come.

The post Old Boy At Pub Watching Super Bowl Says Players Are “Too Bloody Soft With Their Pads And Helmets” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

PUB FURY

Bernard “Bernie” Douglas, 72, has had a complete gutsful of the All Blacks coaching situation over the past week.

After Scott Robertson was sensationally sacked by NZ Rugby due to player feedback at the end of season review, Douglas has explained that if the AB’s actually just stopped being drama queens and focussed on tackling and winning test matches, then we wouldn’t have this situation. 

“You don’t fire Razor, you fire half the support staff, give the players a ball, and tell ‘em to sort themselves out. If they can’t tackle a bloke who’s running at them like a charging bull, maybe rugby’s not the sport for them.” Bernie said, chugging back his third pint in a New Plymouth bar.

Bernie blamed the current situation on what he calls “over-sophisticated soft-football syndrome,” a crippling mix of excessive strategy meetings and too much “Bloody Tik-toking or whatever it’s called.” he said with his blood pressure rising.

“Back in my day, you didn’t need a sports psychologist, you needed a bloke beside you who could actually hold his own face steady while he made a tackle!”

As Bernie angrily ordered another drink he had one final word for our reporters.

“The All Blacks will keep spinning in circles until someone remembers that rugby is a game you play with your body, not your feelings. Stop whining about the coaching staff. Tackle properly. Win games. It’s not complicated.”

“And don’t get me started on what I think of the goons at NZ Rugby!”

More to come.

The post Old Boy At Pub Says All Blacks Should Stop Being Drama Queens And Practice Their Tackling appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

PUB WISDOM

Barry Boulter, 72, says he didn’t want to comment on Scott “Razor” Robertson’s sacking this week, but felt morally obligated to do so after his third Speights at a Timaru bar. 

“I’m not one to get into rugby politics,” Barry announced on Saturday afternoon, moments before getting very deeply into rugby politics.

According to Barry, NZ Rugby’s decision to sack Robertson had nothing to do with systems, skill development, or long-term planning, and everything to do with the modern All Black not being “too bloody soft.”

“Back in our day you didn’t need sports psychologists,” Barry explained, tapping the bar for emphasis. “You just needed a bloke to yell at you and tell you to harden up and get back out there.”

Barry conceded that Razor was, in his words, “a good coach,” but maintained that responsibility ultimately rested with him anyway.

“Look, Razor’s the coach. The buck stops with him,” Barry said, pausing briefly to ask the bartender if the TAB was still taking bets on the next race at Addington. “And it’s about results. Simple as that. I don’t care what these show pony players have to say.”

When reminded that Robertson had only been in charge for less than a full World Cup cycle, Barry nodded thoughtfully before dismissing the point entirely.

Barry continued raising concerns about player toughness, citing evidence that included players wearing GPS vests, sitting on exercise bikes post-match, and “talking about feelings.”

“If a bloke’s hamstring went back then, you just taped it and carried on,” Barry said. “Now it’s all ‘load management’ and ‘player welfare.’ Rugby’s not supposed to be safe. It’s a real man’s game.”

“You’ve got to make tough calls and tell the players how it is. And if the players don’t like it, well, maybe they just need to harden up.”

More to come.

The post Old Boy At Pub Says Razor Was Sacked Because Players “Are All Too Bloody Soft These Days” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

THE SHOW GOES ON 

Despite nearly a full calendar month of uninterrupted beers in December, 29-year-old Trent Melvin from Hamilton has confirmed the silly season remains “very much active” after cracking open an early Friday beer this afternoon.

Melvin, who described December as “pretty loose but manageable,” said January had so far failed to deliver the reset he’d vaguely promised himself sometime between Christmas and New Year’s.

“Yeah nah, I was definitely gonna pull things back in Jan,” said Melvin, tucking into his second pint before 3pm. “But it’s still summer, it’s still Friday, and I’ve basically just been easing out of December, gotta make the most of the good weather!”

“Everyone acts like there’s some hard stop on it,” Melvin explained. “But no one ever actually says when silly season ends. So I’m just sort of… respecting the grey area.”

Melvin said the early beer at a bar wasn’t planned, but “just sort of happened” after knocking off early to catch up with mates still off work this week. He added that it felt wrong to ignore a Friday that “had a bit of energy about it.”

“Besides, I’ve been good this week,” he said. “I only had a couple on Wednesday while watching the Ashes, hard not to drink when there’s good cricket on!”

At time of publication, Melvin confirmed the silly season would likely conclude “next week for sure,” pending weather, vibes and whether anyone else was keen for one more.

More to come.

The post Local Bloke Keeps Silly Season Alive With Unscheduled Early Friday Beer At Pub appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NO PINT LEFT BEHIND

Braydon Fenton, 31, sat firmly at Auckland Airport this afternoon, taking his time finishing an overpriced airport beer despite clear and repeated instructions that it was absolutely, definitely time to board his plane.

Fresh off a wedding weekend and technically still “on holiday until the wheels touch Christchurch tarmac,” Fenton reportedly refused to let a calm but firm boarding announcement dictate the final moments of his Auckland experience.

“Passengers travelling to Christchurch may begin boarding now,” echoed across the terminal, a message Braydon acknowledged, with vague awareness and zero intention to act on it.

Fenton briefly glanced at the departure board to see his plane was definitely boarding, then returned his focus to the $17 pint in front of him as he spoke to our reporters.

“I’ve got plenty of time. The plane’s not even moving yet and people are lining up. It won’t leave without me,” Fenton explained, not feeling the pressure of his name possibly being read out loudly for a final boarding call.

While the terminal echoed with increasingly urgent boarding announcements, Fenton remained unflustered as he watched people in his gate area move frantically towards the entry to the plane via the boarding gate.

“They always say ‘final call’. I’ve never once seen consequences. Boarding calls are for people who panic and think the plane will actually leave without them despite them checking in for the flight”

“The loud speaker can yell all it wants, but it’s not going to rush me from finishing this beer which I know I’ve paid too much for.”

More to come.

The post Boarding Call Falls On Deaf Ears Of Bloke Determined To Finish Overpriced Airport Beer appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BIG SHIFT AHEAD

Flynn Johnson, 31, from Christchurch has boldly announced that 2025 will be the year he finally completes an entire Swappa Crate of 12 Speight’s, a task he has attempted annually and failed each time so far.

Surrounded by mates who have witnessed more of his failures than successes, Flynn made the declaration on Saturday afternoon while carefully rearranging the bottles in his crate.

“This is my year, boys,” he said, tapping the top of the crate like an All Black captain briefing the team. “New mindset. New me. No more tapping out after bottle eight because I ‘need fresh air’”.

The group nodded politely, having heard a variation of this speech every summer since 2011.

“Last year he got to seven beers and said his throat was ‘closing up’,” recalled long-time friend Matt Lawson. “Most likely he scoffed a pie too quickly. But we all had to sit outside with him for an hour while he breathed through his nose like he was giving birth.”

Another mate, Aaron McLeod, was less optimistic. 

“Flynn’s the only bloke I know who pre-plans an Irish exit from his own crate day,” he said. “He’ll be halfway through number five before he gives it the whole ‘I might lie down for a bit to recharge’. Then we find him asleep under a towel.”

At the time of press Flynn was looking weary and slurring his words on bottle number four.

More to come.

The post Bloke Who Has Never Once Finished His Crate Says This Is “His Year” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.