WHO’S NEXT ON THE LIST?

Greens co-leader Chloe Swarbrick has been hit with the sudden realisation that the only reason Benjamin Doyle is in parliament in the first place is because two of her other MPs were forced to resign for breaking the law. 

She spent this week trying to somehow defend Doyle’s deeply disturbed social media posts, basically saying that it’s just a rainbow thing, which has of course caused secondary outrage, this time at her. 

“Oh hang on a minute,” she said to reporters this morning as she had a sudden moment of clarity. 

“We lost two MPs in a single calendar year last year. First Golriz went, and she was replaced by Celia Wade Brown. And then Darleen went and she was replaced by old Bussy Boy.

“Far out it’s a shame that the New Zealand public doesn’t really tolerate MPs that commit crimes like shoplifting and migrant exploitation,” she laughed, not mentioning that they don’t really tolerate whatever the hell Doyle’s getting up to either.  

It stands to reason that even if the Greens had only lost one MP this term, then they would just have Celia Wade Brown, who’s a harmless older lady who used to be the mayor of Wellington. 

“Imagine that! We could’ve had Celia in parliament along with one of the criminals. Preferably Golriz. Could have avoided bringing Doyle in all together!

“You know when you shove someone that far down the list you never really think you’re actually going to end up having them in parliament. Just real bad luck about all the crime huh?” she said earnestly. 

“Oh shit I better check who’s next on the list I guess…”

More to come. 

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The post Chlöe Confronts Reality That If Golriz And Darleen Had Obeyed The Law Then She Wouldn’t Be Stuck With Old Bussy Boy appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SEPARATE RAINBOWS

Maddy Hayes, a 26-year-old from Aro Valley in Wellington, says she’s been happily minding her own business, working a normal 9-to-5 and enjoying a few Saturday night pashes with other females at Ivy Bar.

“Nothing wrong with going to work, paying rent, and kissing girls at Ivy. But I don’t want to be lumped in with whatever’s going on over at the Greens, especially with that whacko “bussy boy. Ew,” Hayes told our reporters, referring to Greens MP Benjamin Doyle, who has been under fire this week for social media posts deemed extremely inappropriate by the New Zealand public.

Her comments come after Green Party co-leader Chlöe Swarbrick passionately defended Doyle, stating that the word bussy had been “co-opted by rainbow communities for use oftentimes with irreverence and absurdity”. And that his emoji use was also completely normal.

However Maddy feels her entire identity has been dragged into an ideological debate about rainbow-coded language.

“I don’t think it’s that wild to say I don’t want to be associated with a man posting what looks like pretty gross content on his Instagram account,” explained Hayes, whose personal Instagram account features mainly pictures of Wellington’s waterfront and Cuba Street.

Maddy then doubled down to our reporters, completely distancing herself from the perception that every queer person has to behave strangely. 

“No, I get it. Some people want to express themselves differently, but I personally don’t need to post a weird combination of emojis and slang every time I log on. Not everything needs to be some cryptic, niche-coded identity flex,” she said.

“At the end of the day, I’m just a regular lesbian. I work, I socialise, I occasionally lose my mind over a woman with a nose ring, and then I go home. I don’t need to overcomplicate it with… whatever Biblebelt Bussy is meant to mean.”

More to come. 

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The post Local Lesbian Keen To Not Be Lumped In With Old Bussy Boy appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SIMPLER TIMES

Green Party co-leader Chloe Swarbrick is wishing MP Benjamin Doyle had simply stolen thousands of dollars worth of clothing from a high end fashion store today.

Swarbrick fronted the media at Parliament, having to speak on behalf of Doyle after some very questionable social media posts became public.

“Look, if Benjamin had just been caught shoplifting like Golriz at least I could have said, ‘It’s wrong, it’s illegal, and let’s move on.’ That would’ve been so much simpler!” Swarbrick said, wishing she was back in a time where she had to speak about how taking items from a store without paying is indeed a crime and a sackable offence. 

“But now, I’m out here explaining emojis, personal choices of words, and whether or not we should even be offended by the term ‘bussy ‘and ‘bussy galore’. It’s a nightmare!” said Swarbrick, visibly flustered.

One particular post, featuring a family photo of Doyle and his child with the caption “bussy galore,” has raised eyebrows—and questions—none of which Chloe wants to deal with.

“At least with shoplifting, there’s no grey area,” she said, her voice tinged with further frustration. “It’s cut and dry. Benjamin takes something, doesn’t pay for it, and boom—he’s done something wrong.

“But now, I have to wade through this minefield of internet slang and ask myself, ‘Is it okay to say ‘bussy galore’? Is that a thing we’re cool with now? Do I have to get on board?” Ugh, give me a Golriz scandal again will ya!”

More to come. 

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The post Chloe Now Wishing Benjamin Doyle Was Just A Run Of The Mill Shoplifter appeared first on The Whakataki Times.