LEAPING INTO ACTION

The Government’s bombshell decision to ban greyhound racing in New Zealand has left many Kiwis grappling with the fallout, none more so than 29-year-old Corey O’Connor from Christchurch.

O’Connor has spent the better part of his weekends at Addington Raceway and sporadically dabbling on random greyhound races in Palmerston North, where he’d watch online via the TAB website.

Racing Minister Winston Peters has announced the Government will phase out greyhound racing in the country by 2026, with the aim of rehoming some 2900 greyhounds.

With today’s news it means Corey will have to find other ways of blowing parts of his small paycheque each weekend, and he looks to be settling on the chaotic world of NBA multis.

“It’s the same vibe as the dogs,” he insisted. “You’ve got no idea what’s going on, but you’re hoping for the impossible. Just like trying to nail the First4, I’m hoping to pick 15 straight winners in a day’s play of the NBA” said O’Connor enthusiastically, despite having watched a minimal amount of NBA to date.

“I’ve got no idea who half the players are either,” Corey admitted. “But the thrill of putting a tenner on some dude from the Memphis Grizzlies to score exactly 17 points? Mate, that’s the same rush as backing Opawa Pawsome in the third race at Addington.”

More to come. 

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FULLY SENDING IT

Christchurch woman Loren Ashley, 26, appeared the picture of elegance in her latest Instagram post, posing at the Riccarton Races in a stunning dress, matching fascinator, and meticulously applied makeup.

With the simplistic caption “Giddy up!” with a horse emoji, the happy go-lucky go-getter’s photo taken at Riccarton Racecourse was met with a cascade of praise from friends and family.

“Stunning!”

“Queen! So gorgeous!”

“Slay!” 

But while Loren’s photo oozed sophistication, it failed to tell the full story, which was that Loren had already polished off three champagnes before 8:00am.

When asked about her early start, Loren didn’t mince words. “Look, it’s the Riccarton Races,” she said with a laugh. “If you’re not sipping bubbles by sunrise, are you even doing it right?”

“You can’t show up to the races without a solid base—and by base, I mean three to four glasses of Prosecco,” Loren concluded before going off and shouting “woo” with the friends she was attending the races with.

Loren’s male acquaintances opted not to comment publicly on her photo, and instead introduced themselves privately in her direct messages.

More to come. 

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The post RICCARTON RACES: Woman’s Flawless Race Day Pic Doesn’t Capture The Fact She Was Quietly Steamed At 8:11am appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

COMING IN HOT

Mid morning on a Tuesday isn’t usually the time when you’d expect nearly 20,000 people to be six to eight standard drinks deep.

But that’s likely to be happening at Christchurch’s Addington Raceway tomorrow for The New Zealand Trotting Cup, the biggest day on NZ’s racing calendar. 

By 11:00am, Addington Raceway will have greeted a steady flow of comfortably steamed young race goers, who all would have put back enough to keep them going for a few hours before being forced to buy a drink from the race day hospitality staff.

No one is more excited than 22 year-old Harry Richardson.

“Gee can’t wait eh! I’ve just been down to Tarocash to grab a fresh shirt and hopefully this blazer will fit me fine?” Richardson said, who forked out on a $70 shirt but picked up a cheap blazer from an op shop.

“I’ll probably have a beer or two in the shower to warm up with, then roll around to a mate’s about 8:30 to start some serious drinking,” said Mr Richardson, who was overly excited about the prospect of consuming alcohol in the morning.

Mille Youngson, 21, is also jacked up for the big day, which will be her first time at the Cup.

“Oh my god it’ll be so much fun. I’m getting my hair done early in the morning and I’ll have a few champagnes with that. I’ll make sure I’ve got enough in me before getting in there. Can’t wait to see the horses with my squad!’ Youngson said with excitement, unaware she’ll likely not see a single race and be carrying her heels late in the day.

When our reporters quizzed Richardson on whether he could actually tie a windsor knot, he was preoccupied with the more important stuff.

“Sorry guys, I better put all the Lindauer bottles in the fridge. Can’t wait to pop these tomorrow morning!”

More to come.

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YUP TO THE CUP 

Wellington woman Rosie Neilson, 26, experienced a miraculous ethical transformation this afternoon.

The part time virtue signaller had spent the morning on social media, posting a series of impassioned tweets about today’s Melbourne Cup, with the hashtag #NupToTheCup, to people in her echo chamber.

“Money over morals! Showcasing extreme drunkenness, gambling and animal cruelty just for entertainment?” one Tweet read, quickly followed by “Do people think it’s okay to drink irresponsibly and glamourise the abuse of animals? Do better. #NupToTheCup ”

However soon after 5 pm, the Aro Valley resident changed her tune after learning her boyfriend Kade landed the boxed trifecta, instantly pocketing a few thousand dollars. Knight’s Choice won the great race, meaning she would benefit directly from the exact event she had been against.

“Look, I still care about animal welfare, alright? But this is basically life-changing money,” said Neilson as she excitedly scrolled through Airbnbs in Bali. 

“It’s not like they can undo the race now, anyway,” she concluded, also liking her boyfriend’s post on Facebook celebrating their monetary gain from gambling.

More to come. 

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The post Local Woman Instantly Forgets About Animal Welfare After Boyfriend’s Trifecta Comes In appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MANIFEST 30 MILLI

TVNZ announced their bold new strategy to get them out of financial ruin this afternoon – appointing degenerate gambler Tim Naki as the new Head of Investments. 

CEO Jodi O’Donnell, who has been losing more money than the hapless punters at SkyCity Casino (conveniently located next to its Auckland headquarters), has called on Naki to try to get the state broadcaster back in the black with $30m in savings.

“Tim has a proven track record of risk management,” O’Donnell said, speaking to disillusioned and disengaged staff today. 

“Look, I haven’t exactly had many decent ideas to boost revenue myself,” she candidly admitted, while coming to a realisation that proposing to eliminate the 1News website in the digital age might not be the brightest idea.

O’Donnell was optimistic about Naki’s potential. “If Tim can manifest a million from blackjack, then $30 million—or even half of that—would help us greatly,” she said, clearly banking on Naki’s ability to pull off another miracle.

Naki could not be reached for comment as he was busy warming up with a two hour pokie session at a nearby gaming lounge. 

More to come. 

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