RUPEE IN FREEFALL

The Indian economy is rumoured to be in absolute freefall, mirroring the nation’s dismal performance in the second test match against the Black Caps, who took a 2-0 series lead and victory in India.

The collapse of both the stock market and India’s top order batting occurred almost simultaneously, as Blackcaps hero Mitchell Santner bowled his way into the history books and, apparently, into India’s fiscal policies.

Indian cricket fans, meanwhile, are in full denial mode as always, convinced that the toss was rigged. “It’s obvious,” said one furious spectator, scrolling through his social feed. “How can a team from New Zealand, of all places, beat us on our own soil? Twice! We’ve got King Kohli!”

With the series now at an insurmountable 2-0, New Zealand is the first team since England in 2012 to win a test series in India. The Black Caps cricketing victory would also mark the first time in history a visiting team could claim to have caused an international economic incident.

As Santner claimed wicket after wicket, stockbrokers in Mumbai began pulling out their hair, and investors all over the world started wondering if the economy was suffering a “Santner Effect”.

With one test match left to play in Mumbai, fans are pinning their hopes on a miracle to salvage the series – and perhaps the economy. “If Kohli scores a century, maybe the rupee will recover,” said one hopeful fan in the streets of Mumbai. “If not, well… there’s always hockey.”

More to come. 

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