“JUST WHEREVER THE TEAM NEEDS ME”

Ahead of the All Blacks first test against France this weekend, Beauden Barrett has once again fronted media with the steely poise of a man who knows exactly what to say.

Barrett was doing his regular standup in Dunedin where reporters asked the first-five-fullback-general-utility-back about where he thinks he’ll slot into Scott Robertson’s matchday squad. 

“Ah yeah, just wherever the team needs me really,” Barrett said with a smile so non-committal it could be used as a stock image titled “neutral reaction”. 

“Just happy to do what’s best for the team to be honest, whether that’s at 10, 15 or even off the bench,” he explained with a carefully rehearsed grin that he’d been practising at the hotel this morning.

The question of whether Barrett should be starting at first-five or fullback has become a seasonal tradition in New Zealand, so it’s not surprising the veteran All Black has been rehearsing his answers with the smile of a Cheshire cat.

When quizzed on the form of Damian McKenzie, Barrett was quick to squash any headline-worthy remarks.

“Yeah, look, he’s played well this year hasn’t he?” he smiled. “You saw what he did with the Chiefs. But yeah, like I said before, just happy to slot in wherever the team needs me.

“I mean, I’ve played a lot at 10 over the years, and had some decent moments there,” he said. “But fullback is a great position too. Lots of space. Bit more grass in front of me. Either way, just stoked to be part of the squad and will play wherever Razor needs me,” Barrett concluded, finishing off the media session with another smile that projected an air of being unfazed either way.

More to come. 

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RIEKO’S RIDDLE

Crusaders fan Jake Hines, 28, says he’s “pretty sure the boys will get it done at home,” but admits he’s deeply unsettled by the prospect of what Rieko Ioane might post on Instagram should the Blues knock the defending champs out of the semi-finals.

“Look, I back our culture, I back our 30-0 home record in playoff matches at home” he said, dressed in a Crusaders jersey.

“But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified of seeing another one of Rieko’s Joker posts with cryptic captions if we somehow lose to them.”

Ioane has developed a reputation online for playing the villain, which kicked off last year when he launched a subtle but pointed Instagram spat aimed at Irish great Johnny Sexton, not long after the launch of Sexton’s autobiography.

Since then, Ioane has taken to the platform regularly to stir the pot — particularly during the Blues’ late-season resurgence. After last weekend’s upset win over the Chiefs in Hamilton, Ioane posted an Instagram story reading:

“Should’ve killed me when you had the chance. 2 to get.”, followed by a joker emoji.

When Jake was asked if he would take a narrow, scrappy win just to avoid the risk of Ioane’s post-match monologue, Hines answered instantly:

 “Yes. 6–3. A penalty in the 78th minute. I don’t care if it rains sideways the whole game. Just enough to keep Rieko quiet for 48 hours. That’s all I ask.”

More to come. 

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IT’S COMING HOME

After the Crusaders returned to winning ways with a dominant 42-19 thrashing of the Blues at Eden Park, satisfied Crusaders fans have been caught quietly envisioning their beloved team’s victory parade in the heart of Christchurch in a couple of months time.

“Dynasty 2.0 is in full swing, start booking the tram for a city tour with the trophy” said a long-time Crusaders supporter.”

“This win shows we’re back to our old habits, comfortably beating the Blues in their own  backyard.”

The Crusaders now sit second on the table and are only behind the Chiefs who have a game in hand. 

Olivia Parkes who had started painting her face red and black and was wearing a 1990s Crusaders jersey also spoke to our reporters.

“The competition can start packing up now. Rob Penney’s got the boys firing at the moment. Just wait till June—Championship Parade. Book it. Hard to think people were wanting him sacked last season!” 

“They better start making more room in their trophy cabinet at Crusaders headquarters. It’s coming home!”

The TAB reportedly have removed the Crusaders head to head option for Moana Pasifika in Christchurch next week due to the fact they cannot simply lose.

More to come. 

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NEED FOR SPEED

All Blacks winger Caleb Clarke has surprised rugby analysts and fans by attempting a radical new strategy: evasion.

Rather than bulldozing through defenders like usual, Clarke took his talents to the streets of Auckland, experimenting with a more elusive approach that involved outrunning the opposition. His efforts, however, resulted in a rather different kind of confrontation—one with the Auckland police.

“Yeah, I just wanted to see if I had the agility to match my strength,” Clarke told our reporters while he sat perched on his motorcycle.

Clarke today apologised about his new strategy after admitting to driving dangerously and failing to stop for police when he appeared in court.

“I take full responsibility for my actions, and I promise to stick to my natural game from now on. No more sidestepping – just good, honest, straight running,” Clarke said, hoping to get back to his normal game plan.

Auckland Police also spoke to Whakataki reporters.

“If he’d just put his head down and powered through, maybe we’d be having a different conversation,” said a spokesperson. “But trying to be Beauden Barrett when you’re built like Julian Savea? That’s just a bad tactical decision,” said an unnamed cop.

More to come. 

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