DECEPTION

A local woman has once again stretched the definition of “on my way” after sending a suspiciously optimistic text last Sunday morning.

28-year-old marketing advisor Kylie Durham confidently sent an “I’m on my way” text at 10:15am, while very much still towel-drying herself in the bathroom.

The message was sent in relation to a planned 10 o’clock brunch with friend Lauren at Enigma Café on Wellington’s Courtenay Place. This was a booking that Kylie had been “super excited about all week,” according to text messages sent the day before.

When asked to explain her actions, Durham was unapologetic.

“I just didn’t want to stress her out,” she said, casually brushing aside the small matter of blatantly lying to someone via text.

“I was technically on my way. Like, mentally. My body just hadn’t caught up yet.”

Flatmate eyewitnesses confirmed that at the time the text was sent, Kylie was still in a damp towel, halfway through a skincare routine, with no pants in sight.

Friend Lauren, who arrived at Enigma at 10:02am, says she knew the truth as soon as the message came through.

“She’s always ‘on her way’ when she hasn’t even left the house yet,” said Lauren, calmly sipping a flat white.

“It’s fine, I just factor in a 20-minute Kylie Buffer now. She’s like a human version of Wellington’s buses, never on time.”

Durham eventually arrived at 10:47am, blaming “buses and stuff” and then immediately launched into a passionate speech about how Enigma does the best smashed avo in Wellington.

At press time, Durham had already sent a similar “Just parking now” message for an unrelated 7pm dinner, while still at her home residence.

More to come.

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