FINANCIAL PRUNING

Outside the Beehive today, the nation’s mythical “magic money tree” was seen finally meeting its maker, as Finance Minister Nicola Willis was spotted dragging away what remained of it, dressed in her signature “grim reaper couture”.

Willis reportedly hacked the tree to death with a level of glee she will likely achieve when she eventually does the same to Wellington’s public service bureaucracy. 

From the magic tree’s remains, the Government has managed to harvest a modest yield: $5.5 billion for health, including bowel cancer screening extensions and a future South Auckland hospital site secured in principle, pending alignment of all earthly and celestial conditions.

A further $3 billion was extracted for Defence, mostly spent before it hit the ground on fleet upgrades, personnel pay rises, and general “we should’ve done this earlier” maintenance.

Road cones were quietly repositioned as $1.7 billion was allocated to bypass a dangerous stretch of State Highway 1, while rail received just over a billion .

When asked about the overall tone of the Budget, Willis reportedly paused beside the stump of the magic tree and said, “Look, if it’s magic, it should grow back. If it doesn’t, then maybe it turns out you can’t just borrow money forever with no downside.”

Opposition Leader Chris Hipkins responded by calling the Budget “out of touch”, adding that the Government was ignoring everyday pressures, before reportedly muttering, “There used to be more of that magic tree when I was in charge.”

As for the magic money tree, sources say it may regrow in time for next year’s Budget.  

More to come.

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