FAMILY FEUD

Backyard cricket in Nelson has officially reached boiling point as cousins Francis Moore, 14, and Baxter Moore, 16, have begun to blowout with each other in day long cricket matches.

The pair have spent the past seven days playing BYC, a seemingly innocent pastime that has escalated into a near-warzone of sledging, questionable one hand one bounce catches, and sibling trauma.

“It started off chill,” says neighbour and long-time BYC observer, Mrs. Glenda Patterson. “But by day three, Baxter was calling himself ‘the king of spin’ and Francis decided he wasn’t going to walk for anything less than a direct hit to the stumps.”

Reports confirm that some younger siblings have been reduced to tears after getting out in the first over. “It’s rough,” admitted little cousin Charlie, 9, wiping away tears. “I just wanted to hit the ball once and now I don’t think I’ll get another turn at batting for the rest of the week.”

Meanwhile, Mum, Karen Moore, has been attempting to intervene, repeatedly shouting from the kitchen window: “Go play at the park, you two! Stop hitting the house!” Her pleas have so far been ignored, with the rubber tennis ball continuing its assault on the house’s exterior, leaving a trail of dented weatherboards and frayed nerves.

Despite the tension, both Francis and Baxter remain defiant. “I’m not backing down to that pussy,” said Baxter, squaring up to his cousin for another over. “I don’t care if it’s six and out over the fence, I’m aiming for his face.’ Francis, equally resolute, replied: “Whatever I’ll f***in york that c***.”

At the press time both were arguing about if an automatic wicket keeper would have caught the ball Francis nicked.

More to come.

The post REPORT: BYC Growing Quite Tense Between Cousins appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

UNSTOPPABLE

Mark Grover’s eyes lit up when he saw six year-old son Jackson walk up to the crease in today’s Boxing Day BYC match.

The 41 year-old father of three was already showcasing some scary form after dismissing his two other children, 7 year-old Poppy and 9 year-old Ollie, in the previous two deliveries.

Our reporters were in the Grovers’ backyard for the hat trick delivery, watching Mark steam in off an unreasonably long run up.

‘Got emmmmm!! Yes on your way Jackson! Hat trick for ya old man! Still got it!” celebrated Mark, who was going way over the top after clean bowling his small child, who has barely ever held a cricket bat in his life.

Mark’s wife Kylie, who saw the carnage unfold from inside, was quick to reassure her three children that they could “have another go” and for Mark to “settle down, they’re only children for goodness sake.”

“What on earth is he doing hurling those balls at them like that? When I got them a cricket set for Christmas this was not what I had in mind. My husband is meant to try to encourage them to play, not put them off the sport altogether,” Kylie said, while evil-eyeing her husband.

“Oh come on Kylie, they’ve gotta learn. What better way to learn than off your old man who can still bowl like he can play senior ones.”

As our reporters sought comment from the children, two of them were seen crying nearby, while Jackson was still standing there like a stunned mullet holding his bat wondering why his Dad was celebrating so much.

More to come.

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post Local Dad Rolls Back The Years With Sensational BYC Hat Trick Against His Hapless Children appeared first on The Whakataki Times.