IMPORTANT CARGO 

Troy Dodds, 42, has successfully raised the bar on both beverage safety and dad priorities.

The self-proclaimed “responsible father” posted a photo of his car’s back seat, where his prized 24-pack of Speights beer was meticulously strapped in using both the middle seat lap belt and the side passenger seatbelt. 

The sight of the secured beer – carefully positioned like delicate cargo – was more secure than his toddler’s car seat, which, it was later revealed, was still loosely installed from last week’s grocery run.

“I mean, the kid’s fine. He’s strapped in, sure. But if I hit a bump, I don’t want my beer to fly across the car, right? That’s the real crisis. A toddler’s resilient, but a box of Speights? That’s a disaster waiting to happen.”

Despite spending 20 minutes ensuring the box of beer was snug and secure, Troy admitted he hadn’t even noticed that his toddler, Max, had begun playing with a half-eaten sandwich while sitting improperly in his car seat. “I’ll get to it,” Dodds remarked, adjusting the position of the beer box for a better angle. “Max isn’t going anywhere, but that Speights? That’s premium stuff.”

Dodds’ wife, Tara, who was initially unaware of the extent of the beer’s restraint, was later quoted as saying, “I mean, I get it. But if I spent as much time making sure Max’s car seat was that secure, maybe I wouldn’t have to remind him to ‘please not play with the seatbelt again.’”

More to come. 

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IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT

Wellington Mayor Tory Whanau has decided to make the best of an awkward situation by offering the incoming Crown Observer a deal on a reliable, pre-loved Honda Civic.

Local Government Minister Simeon Brown today announced his decision to appoint a Crown Observer to oversee Wellington City Council’s handling of the long-term plan. This follows concerns about the financial mismanagement and infrastructure woes that have plagued the capital for the last 20 years.

At a hastily arranged press conference outside Turners Car branch, Whanau stood in front of a well used Honda Civic, proudly holding up a sign that read “Civic for a Civil Solution: $2K Off for Crown Observers.”

Whanau, who previously admitted to selling her own car to make ends meet, leaned into the moment.

“Look, the city’s finances are complicated, and the government wants answers. But I’m hoping to smooth things over by giving the incoming Crown Observer a good deal on this Honda,” said Whanau, who is climbing the ranks as one of Turner’s top salespeople.

“I figure, if I’m going to be under their watchful eye, we might as well get off to a good start. And nothing says goodwill like a 2013 Honda Civic at a great price.”

More to come. 
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TORY FROM TURNERS

Wellington Mayor Tory Whanau has been working overtime today—not at Wellington Council, but at Turner’s Cars. 

A spreadsheet blinked ominously on her laptop as she crunched the numbers. How many cars could she offload before Chris Luxon and his “pretty concerned” government swept in to take control of Wellington City Council?

“I think if I sell five Mazdas by the end of the day, we’ll cover the shortfall in the library refurbishment,” she muttered, typing frantically into a demanding excel spreadsheet. “Maybe seven if I throw in some floor mats.” 

It had been a tough few weeks for Mayor Whanau. First, her public revelation that she’d sold her own car to help pay bills had set off a media frenzy. Now, after the Council’s dramatic decision to block the sale of its 34% share in the airport, the PM is concerned that he and the National Government will have to step in.

“If I can just sell a few more of these Suzuki Swifts, we might be able to avoid another rates hike,” she said, flashing a hopeful smile at a couple browsing the lot, trying to appear unphased by Luxon and Simeon Brown calling her Council “a shambles”

“Government intervention?” she laughed, leaning on the hood of a Honda Civic. “Not on my watch. Not if I can sell 50 more cars by Friday.”

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

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