FELINE FACTS

A study released today by the Massey Institute of Domesticated Animals has confirmed what all humans and most cat owners have long suspected – all cats are assholes.

Historically cats have always had a bad rap. Back in medieval times they weren’t allowed in the same room as babies, after several reported instances of cats smothering infants to death in their cribs. 

A further nail in the feline coffin is the fact that witches always favoured cats as their choice of ‘familiar’ – a companion or assistant that the witch had a magical connection with. 

And it’s no coincidence that 90% of history’s villains, everyone from Vito Corleone in the Godfather, to Dr Evil and Gargamel, had a cat as their sidekick. 

Putting aside that mountain of historical evidence, the two year study conducted lab sessions, thousands of hours of in-home monitoring of domestic cats in their owner’s homes, and extensive interviews with cat owners from every demographic and socioeconomic group. 

And the findings were conclusive, as outlined by the Program Director, Herman Wahlburg. 

 “Of the thousands of cats that we studied, every one displayed some form of assholeness in their behaviour patterns and general demeanour. 

“You’ve got your lazy assholes, arrogant assholes, destructive assholes, vain assholes, and of course the classic – unaffectionate, superior assholes. 

Unsurprisingly, lots of kittens were cute assholes, but as they get bigger, all cats get less cute and more asshole like.”

“Of course, most cats tick more than one of the above behavioural or attitudinal boxes, for example a large majority of cats are lazy, arrogant, non-affectionate, manipulative assholes.”

“Then you’ve got a small percentage of truly evil assholes, I mean if you’ve ever seen a cat mercilessly torment a small bird or lizard for hours, you know what I’m talking about.”

The study is expected to create some controversy amongst the cat lovers of New Zealand, but the reality is that deep down, they know that their beloved feline companion is an asshole of some description.

When informed of the study’s findings by our reporter, cat owner Anthony Stevens of Masterton had this to say. 

“Look, I know Molly doesn’t respect or even like me, but at least I don’t have to spend every evening at the park picking up dogshit and making small talk with a bunch of assholes I can’t stand.”

More to come

The post Groundbreaking Research Finds Cats Still Massive Jerks appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NOTHING ELSE EXPLAINS THIS BEHAVIOUR

A 9-year-old British Shorthair was found guilty today of scratching his owner’s arm, in an incident which is being treated as an instance of far-right terrorism. 

Boots, the grey “floof” from Kelburn, was witnessed rolling around on his back at around 8am this morning, ostensibly inviting his owner, Kitty Humphries, to give him a rub. Unfortunately for Humphries, Boots’s invitation was revoked mid-scritch and quickly turned violent.

“He just grabbed me,” recalls Humphries, “he got this glazed look in his eyes and pierced his claws right into my arm.”

The incident came as a shock to Humphries, who was left wondering why her normally docile female companion would launch such an attack. Flatmates who witnessed the scene were equally as horrified, calling it “distressing” and “unprecedented.”

One of those flatmates, who does not wish to be named, happens to be an experienced security consultant whose clients include government agencies around the world.

“I realised as the event unfolded that what I was seeing could be part of an emerging trend. I wouldn’t be surprised if this particular pet had fallen victim to online mis- and disinformation.”

According to the unnamed flatmate, “far right trolls” have been known to acquire feline companions. It is believed the cats’ narcissistic and unpredictable nature, their devil-may-care attitude and general lack of remorse, make them attractive partners for those affiliated with anti-social organisations. 

Having been caught red-pawed, there remains no doubt of Boots’s guilt in today’s scratch attack. As investigations into the motive of the attack continue, Humphries is in no doubt of her flatmate’s hunch.

“Why else would Boots have turned on me like that?”

More to come.

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The post Cat Owner Who Got Scratched Suspects Cat To Be Far Right Extremist appeared first on The Whakataki Times.