WARDROBE WOES

The Green Party has been thrown into sudden disarray this week after reports of peace in the Middle East left members scrambling to find a new team uniform.

For the past two years, Green Party co-leader Chlöe Swarbrick has dutifully taken responsibility for washing the team’s iconic keffiyehs, the black-and-white scarves long regarded as both a fashion statement and a political position.

But with peace breaking out overseas, the party’s go-to outfit has officially been deemed “out of season,” leaving MPs looking “disturbingly uncoordinated,” according to party insiders.

“I mean far out, how are we supposed to be taken seriously or for something important, when we’re not sharply dressed as Palestinians?” Swarbrick asked earnestly, folding one of the freshly laundered scarves for what may be the final time.

While it may be a bit of a wardrobe dilemma for Swarbrick and her team, she was also quietly relieved to potentially part ways with her team’s laundry duties. 

“Between committee meetings, media interviews, the marches and protests, finding time to soak everyone’s scarves in eco-friendly detergent was starting to take its toll! Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad there’s peace in the Middle East, but we looked so good in them!”

When asked what the Greens might wear next, Swarbrick said the party was exploring several ethically conscious options.

“We’re looking into hemp ponchos, they’re breathable, biodegradable, and make you look like you’ve just finished a silent retreat in Golden Bay. But hey, we could dye our hair blue and yellow- there’s still stuff going on in Ukraine, isn’t there?”

More to come.

The post Swarbrick And The Greens In Need Of New Team Kit Now That There’s Peace In The Middle East appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CLOSE CALL

Green Party co-leader Chlöe Swarbrick has reportedly breathed a deep sigh of relief this week knowing that the latest political spectacle did not directly involve one of her MPs.

The drama began when Winston Peters’ address was posted online for a Palestine protest and a crowbar was later used to smash one of his windows. The Greens naturally feared the worst, given their track record of MP resignations, controversies and crimes. 

But insiders say Swarbrick was quietly relieved to learn that the culprit was actually not from her caucus.

“She muttered something like ‘oh phew it wasn’t one of us’,” said a party staffer.

Actor Acacia O’Connor was the person who shared Peters’ address online, to get people to come to the protest. But although she stood alongside Swarbrick at one press conference, the party is thankful there are no calls for more Green MPs to resign or be sacked. 

“We were all kind of glancing around, like we had dodged a bullet,” said one Greens staffer. “I had already got the list out again to see who would be next into parliament.”

That relief is understandable. The Greens have endured a string of embarrassing exits including Golriz Ghahraman, Darleen Tana and Benjamin Doyle. 

Swarbrick is said to have quietly thanked both Allah and Papatuanuku for her blessings, before reminding her remaining MPs that “we’re here to do politics, not damage windows.”

Winston Peters is dining out on the free publicity of course, and using his gift effectively to pummel both the Greens and their woke ideology in parliament. Meanwhile, Swarbrick is enjoying a rare moment of calm, sipping coffee and patting herself on the back for keeping her MPs in check.

“She deserves a break,” a staffer said. “Although historically the Greens are the party of shoplifting, migrant exploitation and disturbing instagram accounts, we are not the party of violence.”

More to come.

The post Swarbrick Relieved It Wasn’t One Of Her MPs Doxxing Winston Or Smashing His Windows appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DETENTION

There were dramatic scenes at Parliament today after Green Party co-leader Chlöe Swarbrick was told to pack up her desk and work outside for the rest of the week.

The incident began when Swarbrick, clearly bored with whatever was on the board, interrupted to accuse Government MPs of being “spineless.” This prompted Speaker Gerry Brownlee to sigh deeply, remove his glasses, and tell her to apologise.

She didn’t.

Witnesses say Brownlee, already worn down by years of disruptions, had reached his limit. “Right, that’s it. Desk outside. Now,” he was heard saying in the tone of a Year 10 maths teacher who had already had to break up three fights this morning.

Swarbrick dragged her desk to the top of the Parliament steps, muttering about human rights and refusing to make eye contact. Once outside, she immediately resumed her speech on Israel, despite there being no one to hear it except a confused tour group and a couple of pigeons.

“There’s always one kid in the class who thinks she’s making some kind of a stand,” said one Government MP, who likened the episode to a kid turning their chair backwards to “make a point.” “She’ll grow out of it.”

Brownlee told reporters that Swarbrick could rejoin her peers if she apologised for her comments. “But we all know that’s not happening,” he added, glancing at the clock like a teacher counting down the minutes until the bell.

Inside the debating chamber, the mood quickly returned to normal. Outside, Swarbrick sat at her desk, scribbling notes and occasionally shouting her views toward the closed doors, believing there were people listening.

With the country in the middle of a cold snap, the MP has been advised to wrap up warm with one or two extra keffiyehs. 

More to come.

The post Chlöe Made To Drag Her Desk Outside And Stop Disrupting The Class appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SILVER LININGS 

Green Party co-leader Chloe Swarbrick will still have a busy week ahead despite being kicked out of Parliament for the remainder of it.

Swarbrick was ejected from the House of Representatives and barred for the week after a fiery speech about the war in Gaza this afternoon. The Speaker Gerry Brownlee said she was out of line when she said she needed just six of 68 “Government MPs with a spine” for the country to “stand on the right side of history”. 

Swarbrick refused to apologise and Brownlee told her to leave the House, to which she replied “Happily”.

But in a surprising twist, the Green Party firebrand seemed almost relieved by her sudden parliamentary exile for the rest of the week.

Swarbrick spoke to our reporters.

“Honestly, it’s now going to be a good chance to catch up on things over the next few days as I’ve been putting off washing the damn team kit again,” she told our reporters with a wry smile.

“I absolutely copped it at the last fine session, so it’ll be good for me to actually be on top of the important things. Those keffiyehs are already piling up in my laundry,” Swarbrick said without shouting at our reporters.

Naturally, co-leader Marama Davidson actually welcomed Swarbrick being absent for the rest of the week. “Chlöe’s been so busy fighting in the House, she’s barely had time to lift a finger at home. This week, she finally gets to put her passion into something tangible- a clean kit!”

When pressed on whether she will miss being in the Beehive, Swarbrick was resolute.

“No meetings, no more fiery speeches, just some calm washing, drying, and maybe even folding them properly for the team too.” 

More to come. 

The post Swarbrick Kicked Out Of Parliament For The Week Now Has No Excuse For Not Washing Team Kit appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BALANCED REPORTING

Radio New Zealand presenter Corin Dann is in recovery mode today, after a heated exchange with New Zealand First leader Winston Peters. 

The interview made headlines as Peters expressed his desire to cut funding to Radio New Zealand, calling it “an abuse to the taxpayer” for its “woke leftist ideology”. 

Dann was called “a disgrace to the mainstream media” and accused of being biased towards left wing political parties.  

As a way to bounce back from mean old Winston Peters, Dann has now booked in three interviews for the next three weeks with none other than the leader of the Greens, lovely Chloe Swarbrick. 

“This will be good I think. A good way to just reset and get back on an even keel,” said Dann, still shaken from being told he’s a waste of taxpayer’s money.

“I just need a few nice chats with Chloe, where we can nod along together and agree on things. That’s what the listeners want, pleasant conversations.” 

Dann says he will need a bit of time before he interviews Winston again, and a few strong cups of tea with Chloe. 

“Look, Winston’s always going to be Winston, but honestly, I think he’s getting worse in his old age,” said Dann, shaking his head. 

“Imagine thinking that letting men into women’s bathrooms was a bad idea!” he laughed. 

Peters meanwhile took some time out of his social media drafting session to say this to the Whakataki Times:

“Whaka what? What a load of bulldust! If you woke lunatics in the mainstream media could do your jobs properly for once in your lives, then you’d already know my view on this. 

“Heard of social media? I’ll say it again. Corin Dann is an arrogant, wokester loser.

“Have a great day.”

More to come. 

The post Corin Dann Books In Three Nice Chlöe Interviews To Make Up For That Mean Winston One appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WHO’S NEXT ON THE LIST?

Greens co-leader Chloe Swarbrick has been hit with the sudden realisation that the only reason Benjamin Doyle is in parliament in the first place is because two of her other MPs were forced to resign for breaking the law. 

She spent this week trying to somehow defend Doyle’s deeply disturbed social media posts, basically saying that it’s just a rainbow thing, which has of course caused secondary outrage, this time at her. 

“Oh hang on a minute,” she said to reporters this morning as she had a sudden moment of clarity. 

“We lost two MPs in a single calendar year last year. First Golriz went, and she was replaced by Celia Wade Brown. And then Darleen went and she was replaced by old Bussy Boy.

“Far out it’s a shame that the New Zealand public doesn’t really tolerate MPs that commit crimes like shoplifting and migrant exploitation,” she laughed, not mentioning that they don’t really tolerate whatever the hell Doyle’s getting up to either.  

It stands to reason that even if the Greens had only lost one MP this term, then they would just have Celia Wade Brown, who’s a harmless older lady who used to be the mayor of Wellington. 

“Imagine that! We could’ve had Celia in parliament along with one of the criminals. Preferably Golriz. Could have avoided bringing Doyle in all together!

“You know when you shove someone that far down the list you never really think you’re actually going to end up having them in parliament. Just real bad luck about all the crime huh?” she said earnestly. 

“Oh shit I better check who’s next on the list I guess…”

More to come. 

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The post Chlöe Confronts Reality That If Golriz And Darleen Had Obeyed The Law Then She Wouldn’t Be Stuck With Old Bussy Boy appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SIMPLER TIMES

Green Party co-leader Chloe Swarbrick is wishing MP Benjamin Doyle had simply stolen thousands of dollars worth of clothing from a high end fashion store today.

Swarbrick fronted the media at Parliament, having to speak on behalf of Doyle after some very questionable social media posts became public.

“Look, if Benjamin had just been caught shoplifting like Golriz at least I could have said, ‘It’s wrong, it’s illegal, and let’s move on.’ That would’ve been so much simpler!” Swarbrick said, wishing she was back in a time where she had to speak about how taking items from a store without paying is indeed a crime and a sackable offence. 

“But now, I’m out here explaining emojis, personal choices of words, and whether or not we should even be offended by the term ‘bussy ‘and ‘bussy galore’. It’s a nightmare!” said Swarbrick, visibly flustered.

One particular post, featuring a family photo of Doyle and his child with the caption “bussy galore,” has raised eyebrows—and questions—none of which Chloe wants to deal with.

“At least with shoplifting, there’s no grey area,” she said, her voice tinged with further frustration. “It’s cut and dry. Benjamin takes something, doesn’t pay for it, and boom—he’s done something wrong.

“But now, I have to wade through this minefield of internet slang and ask myself, ‘Is it okay to say ‘bussy galore’? Is that a thing we’re cool with now? Do I have to get on board?” Ugh, give me a Golriz scandal again will ya!”

More to come. 

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The post Chloe Now Wishing Benjamin Doyle Was Just A Run Of The Mill Shoplifter appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

OOH THAT’S A BIG ONE

Green Party co-leader Chloe Swarbrick absolutely copped it at the fines session today, after forgetting it was her turn to wash the dirty keffiyehs for the team.

Her teammates didn’t hold back, slapping her with a hefty $50 fine—the maximum allowable penalty—leaving her scrambling for an explanation.

“Oh fuck I forgot!” Chloe said to her team mates when asked about where their signature black and white keffiyehs were this morning. 

“I got them out of the kit bag and they were all ready to go into the wash, but I must’ve got sidetracked. 

“Still, a good top up to the funds for the end of year piss up,” she reasoned generously.

Co-leader Marama Davidson says this is the second time Swarbrick “forgot to wash the fuckin’ team kit”, which is why she got hit with such a hefty fine. 

“When she said she’d forgotten again, I was like ‘oooooh this is gonna be a big one’,” said Davidson.

“I mean far out, how are we supposed to be taken seriously as the party that cares about conserving the environment, when we’re not sharply dressed as Palestinians?” she asked earnestly. 

“Just end up looking shabby.”

Swarbrick was not the only one to get slammed in the team fines. Ricardo Menendez March was hit with a $30 “Winnie tax”, after getting rinsed by the old boy Winston Peters in parliament this week. Menendez March hit out at his own team, calling the fine “racist and xenophobic”. 

Meanwhile Swarbrick, looking to right her wrongs, says she will “sort it tonight”, in relation to the smelly pile of keffiyehs sitting on the floor of her laundry.

More to come. 

The post Swarbrick Cops It At Green Party Fines Session After Forgetting To Wash The Team Kit appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

“NO CHRISTMAS CHEER HERE”

Green Party Co-Leader Chloe Swarbrick was reportedly in tears this morning after learning that her plans for a very green Christmas had turned to compost.

Swarbrick resolved to lead by example this festive season, by showing friends and family that it was indeed possible to celebrate Christmas without it costing the earth. Those close to the political young gun say this meant planting a tree instead of putting one in her house, wrapping gifts in salvaged fabric, and hanging up stockings made with state-of-the art compostable fibre. 

Swarbrick “really put in the effort this year to show us that being green wasn’t about being mean at the holidays. We all got some really interesting gifts,” according to one unnamed source.

“I would never have thought to buy myself a lifetime supply of beeswax wraps.”

But the positive benefits of green giving might have been forgotten by Aotearoa’s greenest parliamentarian this morning. Surrounded by her loved ones, she allegedly watched as the stocking she had carefully hung on her family hearth quickly transformed into an unremarkable pile of organic matter. 

Those on the scene say it was difficult to watch, as much of the stocking’s contents were yet to be emptied.

 “As she scooped up the dirty mess, the lump of coal that her dad got her as a joke could be seen on the top of the pile. Chloe didn’t laugh.”

The people for whom Swarbrick had hung matching compostable stockings were not available to comment on the longevity of their gift receptacles, but no other spontaneous compostings were reported at the time of publication. 

More to come. 

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The post Chloe Swarbrick Weeps As Eco-Stocking Composts Before Her Very Eyes appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

“NOW, YOU’RE SURE?”

Chloe Swarbrick is leaving no stone unturned in her recruitment process, specifically the background checks of Benjamin Doyle, who is likely to be joining her in parliament as an MP shortly.

The decision to sharpen up comes after a hellish year for the Greens co-leader. Former MP Golriz Ghahraman resigned after being caught and ultimately convicted of shoplifting and now Darleen Tana is set to be kicked out of Parliament amid allegations of migrant exploitation. 

“We’ve had some… unique challenges this year,” Swarbrick explained to the Whakataki Times, her eyebrow raised slightly as if expecting a brand new debacle to leap out at her. 

“But I’m pleased to announce that Ben’s record is squeaky clean and we’ve got a crisp new keffiyeh ready to go.”

Swarbrick, who was initially brimming with confidence coming into the leadership position, was now twice bitten and three times shy, taking no chances with new recruits. 

“After Golriz’s troubles and Darleen’s situation with her husband’s bike business, we’ve had to, well, implement a few extra steps in our vetting process. I call it ‘Triple-Checking,’ because once was clearly not enough.”

Swarbrick said she asked Doyle more than once whether he’d done any kind of crime in the past, and to think really hard about it. 

“No shoplifting, no under-the-table business practices, no helping himself to school kids’ free lunches, nothing! We need to restore trust.”

“I’m just being thorough. We can’t afford any more hiccups,” – by which she meant colossal public relations disasters.

More to come. 
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The post Chloe Triple Checks That New MP Hasn’t Been Doing Any Shoplifting Or Migrant Exploitation appeared first on The Whakataki Times.