CAN YOU NOT?

In a desperate attempt to feel needed and/or appreciated, the government and wider public service is now literally screeching at people through their phones and there’s nothing they can do about it. 

At around 6.18 pm on Sunday all New Zealanders with a smartphone were sent an obnoxious “emergency alert test message” as a reminder that the government is still here and always will be. 

While the message we all received said “Remember, these emergency mobile alerts are an additional channel to help keep you safe”, the general reaction around the country was something along the lines of “Argh wtf?? Oh it’s another emergency test”. 

Some believe this is a simple case of someone in Wellington really just wanting to feel noticed and appreciated. 

“It’s sad that it’s come to this,” said psychologist Naomi Turner as she re-read the emergency test alert on her phone. “With people switching off from politics and mainstream media, these government people now need to insert themselves into our lives directly via our phones.

“Part of being a public servant is that you’re literally a servant, which means you get no thanks, no reward and no accolades. Just need to do what you’ve been told to do. If the wider government want validation from the general public then I’m sorry, they’re simply not going to find it,” said Ms. Turner. 

The forced emergency alerts are billed as “vitally important” and will “save lives”, but despite this, some kiwis are thoroughly fed up with the intrusion. 

Hamilton-based beauty consultant Michelle Jamieson is now asking the question, “can you not?”.

“Like, why do we get emergency alerts when there’s no emergency? They say it’s a test right? Haven’t they already tested it? What’s changed?

“I get that it’s for safety, but could you actually just f*** off?”  

The alert has been labelled a success in Wellington as millions of New Zealanders stopped what they were doing and spent several minutes thinking about the government, which was the main objective. 

More to come.

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BACK ON TRACK

The Government is getting on the front foot as it embarks on the road to Election 2026, pulling together a working group that will spearhead policy development in the field of not-taxing.

Following a series of internal discussions and some collaboration with ACT Party colleagues, the National-led coalition has decided that not taxing New Zealanders will be its primary focus for the forthcoming election.

What remains unclear is the vocabulary to be used for this not-taxing policy, as public opinion suggests words like ‘levy’ and ‘tax’ are losing currency with voters. One astute voter told the Whakataki Times: “I think tax and levy might be special words, with different letters and stuff, but actually meaning the same thing.”

The Government appears to be aware of this public perception. Insiders are reporting that dates have been set for a series of meetings, where words will feature prominently on the agenda.

The same inside sources say specialist lexicographers will be included in the working group, alongside expert linguists from leading universities. They were careful to note, however, that these individuals would be consulting from a personal viewpoint only, so as to avoid the perception that experts are involved at any point in National’s policy-making process.

There is no word yet on whether high-priority synonyms have been identified ahead of the non-tax terminology working group, though unconfirmed rumours suggest ‘mini-levy’, ‘charge-ish’ and ‘billy’ are all on the table.

More to come.

The post Government Establishes Working Group to Find New Words for “Tax” and “Levy” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FINANCIAL PRUNING

Outside the Beehive today, the nation’s mythical “magic money tree” was seen finally meeting its maker, as Finance Minister Nicola Willis was spotted dragging away what remained of it, dressed in her signature “grim reaper couture”.

Willis reportedly hacked the tree to death with a level of glee she will likely achieve when she eventually does the same to Wellington’s public service bureaucracy. 

From the magic tree’s remains, the Government has managed to harvest a modest yield: $5.5 billion for health, including bowel cancer screening extensions and a future South Auckland hospital site secured in principle, pending alignment of all earthly and celestial conditions.

A further $3 billion was extracted for Defence, mostly spent before it hit the ground on fleet upgrades, personnel pay rises, and general “we should’ve done this earlier” maintenance.

Road cones were quietly repositioned as $1.7 billion was allocated to bypass a dangerous stretch of State Highway 1, while rail received just over a billion .

When asked about the overall tone of the Budget, Willis reportedly paused beside the stump of the magic tree and said, “Look, if it’s magic, it should grow back. If it doesn’t, then maybe it turns out you can’t just borrow money forever with no downside.”

Opposition Leader Chris Hipkins responded by calling the Budget “out of touch”, adding that the Government was ignoring everyday pressures, before reportedly muttering, “There used to be more of that magic tree when I was in charge.”

As for the magic money tree, sources say it may regrow in time for next year’s Budget.  

More to come.

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FIRM REMINDER

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon today confirmed that Kiwis struggling with the cost of living simply need to “dig a little deeper, show some grit, and ideally secure a modest, well-balanced property portfolio.”

“Look, I totally get it,” Luxon said  “Times are tough for Kiwis but what I will say is, work hard, and if possible, leverage your existing assets into two or three additional homes,” Luxon said before flying out to Singapore.

When asked how someone without existing assets might begin, Luxon remained upbeat. “Great question: Maybe skip a few flat whites, tighten the belt, stop spending $60 on groceries, and have a serious conversation with your parents about intergenerational equity.”

He added that success was ultimately about attitude. “New Zealand is the land of opportunity. Anyone can get ahead, as long as they’re prepared to make smart choices, take calculated risks, and enter the housing market sometime around 2003.”

At press time, Luxon reassured first-home buyers that the dream was still alive, “provided they remain flexible on location, expectations, and the definition of ‘home.’”

“Look, the cost of living is tough at the moment, which is why I recommend forward planning from about 1998.” 

More to come.

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SMART TRAVEL

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has unveiled what he is calling a “practical, everyday fuel saving strategy” after confirming he will no longer be regularly driving to television interviews with Tova O’Brien, a move he says could be replicated by Kiwis feeling the pain at the pump.

Speaking from Wellington, Luxon said it was part of a broader effort to “cut unnecessary trips”, noting that many New Zealanders could benefit from taking a closer look at the places they’re just driving to out of habit.

“Look, at the end of the day, if you don’t drive somewhere, you don’t use the petrol,” he said. “It’s just about being a bit more intentional with what you’re doing. I looked at a few of my regular commitments and thought, do I actually need to physically go there every time?”

Luxon said he had already noticed “immediate savings” after reducing certain appearances.

“You skip a couple of those regular drives each week and suddenly you’re not filling up as often. It adds up and it’s just common sense stuff really.”

He encouraged Kiwis to apply the same thinking to their own routines.

“Could be a weekly meeting, could be a class, could be anything really. If you can cut it out or just not turn up, you’re saving fuel straight away. Fair enough if you still want to go, but just have a think about it.”

Lower Hutt resident Jason Miller said he had already taken the advice on board, by simply not turning up to his Thursday night indoor cricket.

“Was costing me about fifteen bucks in petrol each week, easy,” he said. “Now I just stay home. Still part of the team group chat, so it’s like I’m still there.”

Transport analyst Megan Poole said the strategy was “technically sound,” but noted that it may have “wider implications” depending on what people choose to stop attending.

“From a purely fuel perspective, yes, not going places will reduce usage,” she said. “What that means for everything else including democracy is probably a separate conversation.”

Luxon confirmed he is continuing to review other regular commitments that “require a drive for no real reason.”

More to come.

The post FUEL SAVING TIP: Luxon Says Try Cutting Down Number Of Things You Drive To Like TV Interviews appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BACKING EACH OTHER

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has confirmed National MPs will now hold regular “compliment circles”, following what he described as the “strong foundation” created by this week’s successful leadership confidence vote.

Speaking to media, Luxon said the vote had already given the team a noticeable lift, but there was an opportunity to “build on that energy in a more deliberate way.”

“Look what I will say is we’ve seen what a quick show of hands can do for morale,” he said. “But if you sit everyone down in a circle on the carpet and really take the time to say what you appreciate about each other, that’s where the real growth happens, you know?”

Under the new approach, MPs will remove their shoes, sit cross-legged, and take turns offering affirmations to the person beside them, while maintaining eye contact for “a respectful but slightly uncomfortable amount of time.”

Finance Minister Nicola Willis says she’s already prepared a few lines.

“I’ve got one for Chris about his energy, and one for Todd about how he always brings a kind of quiet determination to things,” she said. “It’s just about recognising the little things people do ay.”

Luxon confirmed the exercise will include a “talking object,” likely a soft toy or small cushion, which MPs must hold while speaking.

“You can’t interrupt when someone’s got the cushion,” he said. “That’s a big part of it. It teaches patience and active listening, and I think we can all improve on that.”

A senior staffer, speaking on condition of anonymity, said early sessions had already shown promise.

“There was some giggling at first, but once they got into it, you could see some of them really needed this,” the staffer said. “A few of the men were sitting there like they hadn’t been told they were doing a good job since 1998.”

Luxon says the initiative is about ensuring the caucus enters the election year feeling “grounded, supported, and ready to win.”

More to come.

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POLL POSITION

A group of frustrated National MPs have reportedly begun developing an AI agent designed to be “more likeable, more responsive, and less repetitive than the Prime Minister (or anyone else in National)”.

The project, known internally as “Project: Just Answer the Question”, was allegedly sparked after another week of leadership speculation and a press conference where Christopher Luxon confirmed multiple times that he has “full support of my caucus,” without going into detail.

“I’m confident I have the numbers,” Luxon told our reporters today.

Asked what numbers, he replied: “The numbers that show I have the numbers.”

Pressed further, he added: “I talk to my caucus all the time. I’m very confident I have the full support of my caucus.”

He then nodded, settling the matter once and for all.

Inside National, patience appears to be running low. One MP described the new AI prototype as “emotionally available and statistically more coherent than half our morning meetings.”

Another National Party insider said: “We just wanted something that doesn’t answer every question like it’s a loyalty oath. Hopefully this prototype will actually give our caucasus enough confidence to replace Luxon with it”

Early versions of the AI reportedly include several personality settings:

“Soft Reassurance Mode” – answers questions calmly and directly

“Campaign Mode” – avoids answering anything at all, but sounds confident doing it

“Luxon Simulation Mode” – responds to every question with: “I’m very confident I have the full support of my caucus.”

A senior MP, watching the briefing, was asked what the AI might improve.

“Look,” he said, “at this point, we’d settle for something that answers a question without sounding like it’s buffering.”

More to come.

The post Disgruntled National MPs Creating AI Agent That Could Topple Luxon appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BACK ON TRACK

In a bold return to so-called “2015 vibes,” Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has announced plans for a second national flag referendum, this time pitting the current New Zealand flag directly against the legendary “Laser Kiwi.”

The move is widely seen as Luxon’s attempt to channel the political instincts of John Key, the leader he has long been rumoured to admire both professionally and spiritually.

“Look, what I will say is New Zealanders loved having a say on the flag last time,” Luxon told media, standing in front of a hastily printed out copy of the laser-eyed bird. “And I think what people are really crying out for right now is a clear, simple choice. Current flag, or laser kiwi. That’s it.”

The “Laser Kiwi” design, which gained a cult following online during the original referendum, features a kiwi shooting green laser beams from its eyes and has since been widely regarded as “objectively better” by many New Zealanders.

Luxon says the streamlined, two-option referendum will avoid the confusion they had last time with that weird multiple-round playoff situation.

“People don’t want complexity,” he explained. “They want decisive leadership, and a bird with lasers coming out of its face.”

Political analysts suggest the Prime Minister may be hoping to recreate the widespread engagement and distraction generated by the original flag debate, widely remembered as a time when the nation briefly forgot about everything else.

“Back then, everyone had an opinion,” said one commentator. “If Luxon can get people arguing about flags again, there’s a chance they’ll forget how much they don’t like him.”

More to come. 

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ALL ADDS UP

New Zealand Prime Minister Leigh Hart, formerly of Moon TV and Sportscafe fame, says it’s the little things that will end up getting us through this fuel crisis. 

Hart held a press conference this afternoon to say that when you’re driving somewhere, why not try parking a kilometre or two short of your destination and then walking the rest of the way. 

“Look it’s a win win for New Zealanders. What the people want is to use less petrol and to fit in more exercise. Everyone’s so busy these days, it’s hard to do both. But surprise surprise I’ve been the one to figure all that out,” he said. 

“People might say it’s missing the point, and that petrol still costs too much, but those people are bloody stupid. At the end of the day, if you spend less, then it costs you less.”

Hart says the biggest benefit of his new scheme is there’s no admin involved and it won’t cost the government any more money. 

“Look we did the subsidy thing for people that really need it, and I think it’s working but geez that was a muckaround to get sorted.

“End of the day, it’s common sense that’s going to get people over the line, not some squirrely bureaucrat in Wellington.”

Opposition leader Chris Hipkins rubbished the idea, saying the cost of petrol is definitely the government’s fault, before quickly disappearing to avoid any unrelated questions about his party’s pandemic response. 

“Well, this is the government of the day and Mr Hart should have been prepared for an oil shock like this, and the reality is he just wasn’t. Okay, no more questions? Good, thanks.”

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Hart revealed more detail for his new scheme. 

“See what you do is you set up your satNav or ya Google Maps and just pre-plan how far away you’re going to park from where you actually need to be. I’d pull up short by a kilometre most days, but I’d go two if I’m feeling keen and I’ve got the time.”

More to come. 

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BILL BUSTER

As the cost of living crisis continues to bite across New Zealand, Prime Minister Christopher Luxon has offered a “practical, common-sense” solution for Kiwis struggling to pay their bills, which is to simply sell off one of their rental properties.

Speaking to our reporters after being asked about rising grocery prices and power bills, Luxon said many households may be overlooking “obvious levers” available to them.

“Look, what I will say is that times are tough, I get that,” said Luxon. “But sometimes you’ve just got to take a step back, review your property portfolio, and think about whether you really need all of those rentals.”

Luxon explained that trimming down a property portfolio can be a great way to free up cash during difficult economic periods.

“If you’ve got, say, three or four rentals and the mortgage payments are starting to feel a bit tight, maybe sell one,” he said. “That gives you a nice lump sum, takes the pressure off, and suddenly those weekly bills don’t look quite so scary.”

When it was pointed out that many New Zealanders do not, in fact, own multiple investment properties, Luxon suggested people might not be thinking creatively enough.

“Well that’s the mindset we need to shift,” he said. “The shareholders of New Zealand are very resourceful people. If you’re feeling squeezed by the cost of living, just ask yourself: ‘Is there a rental property I could sell here?’ You’d be surprised how often the answer is yes.”

Luxon, who previously owned as many as seven houses before entering politics, said he understands first-hand the challenges of managing a large property portfolio.

“I’ve been there,” he said. “There were times when I’d look at the spreadsheet and think, ‘Gee, these mortgages are adding up.’ And sometimes the right move is to let one go.”

More to come.

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