GREAT EXPECTATIONS

Palmerston North-based frontline officer Sam Keane is trying his best to stay focused today, after some heinous reports of top tier police corruption came out this week.

The scandal surrounding Jevon McSkimming and the reported mishandling of criminal complaints by former Police Commissioner Andrew Coster has rattled the organisation Sam signed up to. Senior officers have been accused of influencing investigations, downgrading complaints and prioritising career-protection over justice.

The relatively new police constable meanwhile believes that his bosses haven’t made things easy for police officers on the ground to uphold the law.

“Hey look I’m out here trying to catch criminals and make the public feel safe and secure and all I’ll say is it would be really good if the people at the top weren’t such shit humans,” said the 25 year old as he got ready to start his day.

“Would also be great if they didn’t break the law and try to cover for freaky weirdos like ol pedo Jevon.”

Keane says it would also be a lot easier for him to do his job if people were able to have a bit of trust in the police. “Yeah well I’ll just keep my head down and do my best day by day, but look it’d be good if we could have a deputy commissioner who doesn’t watch disgusting illegal pornography on his work laptop. A big ask, I know, but I think the public would really appreciate it.”

The young officer says the scandal has made even the most routine parts of his job feel awkward.

“You walk up to someone’s front door, and before you can even say hello they’re like, ‘Ooh, here comes one of Jevon’s mates, how’s the hard drive?’ and you just have to smile and pretend the organisation you work for isn’t rotten to its core.”

Despite all the noise coming from the upper ranks, Keane insists most boots-on-the-ground officers are still trying to do right by the public.

“We’re just normal people doing a hard job. I didn’t join the police so I could try and defend the freaks and geeks on the top floor. I joined to help people. It’d be nice if the bosses could stop making my job harder by being a pack of sick c***s.”

He shrugged, clipped on his radio, and headed for the patrol car.

“It’s funny, because people used to say things like ‘why don’t you catch some real criminals’, when actually a lot of them work at the police!”

More to come. 

The post Local Cop Quite Keen For His Bosses To Not Break The Law And Try To Disgracefully Cover It Up appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NOT HER TIME

Beloved children’s entertainer Suzy Cato is breathing a sigh of relief today.

It came when the media officially confirmed that the “Prominent New Zealander” with name suppression is male, dramatically narrowing down the list of potential suspects and providing immediate relief to fans of You and Me and Suzy’s World.

“Oh such a relief,” Cato told reporters as she did dangerously wholesome things like painting children’s pictures and straightening children’s books on the bookshelf, as opposed to large scale crimes.

“It has been a hectic few days, I got a message from someone asking if I’d turned to a life of crime out of boredom. But I’m still flat out doing birthday shout-outs for seven-year-olds and making worm farms with old yoghurt containers,” she said, putting the finishing touches on a painting as well.

Meanwhile in Wellington, the man who appeared via audio-visual link in court this morning has not entered pleas to eight charges that remain tightly suppressed, along with anything about his identity. 

The suppression has meant many well known male D-list celebrities, rugby players that have played a handful of NPC games, and any former contestants on NZ Idol all have the spotlight on them for now.

Cato again explained her hectic lifestyle ruled her out of turning to criminal acts.

“Honestly, I’ve been so busy making googly eyed puppets out of socks that I wouldn’t even have time for a white-collar crime,” Cato said, while opening up the book The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

The Whakataki Times can also confirm that the general New Zealand public would be deeply disappointed if the person at the centre of the case turned out to be a long-forgotten talent show contestant, a semi-professional rugby player who played four Super Rugby matches in 2009, or a man barely known for a small cameo appearance on Shortland Street in 2004.

More to come. 

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The post Media Reveal “Prominent New Zealander” Is Male, Finally Ruling Out Suzy Cato appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CONFIDENT GUESSWORK

Blake Bentley, a 32-year-old from Christchurch has emerged as the leading authority on who the recently arrested “prominent New Zealander” is — at least according to his comments in the group chat.

“Nah boys I swear to God, my cousin’s mate’s sister works at the courthouse and said it’s who we all think it is. You know… that person,” Bentley wrote confidently, followed by the eyeballs emoji and a cryptic “ #toldyouso”.

Despite a court-ordered suppression of the person’s name, identifying details and the nature of the eight charges — which RNZ reports could lead to life imprisonment or a sentence of two years or more — Bentley’s confidence has only grown by the hour.

“Don’t ask me how I know. Just know that I know. The mainstream media can’t say it, but I can. Trust me,” Bentley commented, despite failing to ever deliver any decent oil in recent years about anything.

Meanwhile, legal experts have confirmed that suppression laws apply to everyone, including Blake Bentley, his cousin’s mate’s sister, and “that bloke from the bar who reckons he heard something”.

More to come. 

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The post Local Bloke In The Group Chat Definitely Reckons He Knows Who The Prominent New Zealander Is appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

TOUGH LOVE

Prime Minister Chris Luxon has unveiled a new justice reform plan that could see convicted offenders sentenced to help train with the New Zealand Warriors. Specifically, they’ll be required to “run it straight” at the team during grueling training sessions.

“New Zealanders are tired of crime, and they’re tired of the Warriors finishing near the bottom of the table,” said Luxon at a press conference outside Mt Smart Stadium. “This policy tackles both issues head-on. Literally.”

The scheme would see criminals, ranging from minor offenders to more hardened criminals, face the ultimate punishment: sprinting directly into Warriors enforcers such as James Fisher-Harris and Bunty Afoa.

“We believe this will serve as a powerful deterrent,” Luxon added. “Who wants to commit a ram raid knowing they could end up as a tackling dummy for Bunty Afoa?”

As the policy awaits approval in Parliament, Luxon remains confident it will change the game—both for crime and the Warriors. “This is about hard work, accountability, and team spirit,” he said. “And if a few criminals happen to end up on a highlight reel getting steamrolled by Bunty, well, that’s just a bonus.”

More to come. 

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The post JUSTICE SHAKEUP: Guilty Criminals Could Soon Be Sentenced To Running It Straight At Warriors Training appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

QUITE DIFFERENT

Alice Hipkins, a 25 year old financial advisor from Christchurch, revealed today that she is actually qualified to practise criminal law, something that has absolutely nothing to do with giving people advice about their mortgages.  

Hipkins was tight-lipped about why exactly she was in her current role and not working in the criminal courts, but it appears she got the wrong end of the stick about the degree she chose, after listening to too many podcasts. 

“I just hated it. I hated being a lawyer, and I wanted to do something else.

“True crime podcasts are just so interesting to me, with so many twists and turns. I don’t understand why being a criminal lawyer is so lame,” she said, referring to the tightly edited and dramatised podcasts that are popular around the world. 

While crime podcasts are entertaining, it has to be said that they leave out most of the slow, laborious, mundane details that make up the criminal justice system. This is perhaps so that people actually listen to them. 

James Carson, a freelance audio editor, shed some light on the situation. 

“We generally cut out more than we leave in with any kind of documentary podcast. Be quite weird to keep all the little details that no-one cares about right?,” laughed Carson at his audio studio.

“Be good if you could edit out bits of real life wouldn’t it? I’d probably edit out all the time between now and Christmas.”

Hipkins meanwhile seems happy to be working alongside goal-oriented people with mortgages, rather than the scum and villainy of her previous career.

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post Local Woman Finishes Criminal Law Degree Only To Find Out It’s Not The Same As The Crime Podcasts She Listens To appeared first on The Whakataki Times.