RETURN OF THE KING

Craig Chamberlain, 59, from Shirley in Christchurch was rushed to hospital this afternoon. He reportedly fell off a chair in his living room upon hearing the news that Richie Mo’unga will return to New Zealand Rugby in 2026.

“It was just after lunch. I was just about to turn on the TV, and then I heard on my radio Richie’s coming home. I leapt out of the chair to celebrate, or at least tried to but just ended up falling off it completely,” said Chamberlain from his Christchurch Hospital bed.

The news of Mo’unga’s return means that he’ll rejoin Canterbury for next year’s NPC and the Crusaders in 2027, exciting nobody more than Craig, a self confessed die-hard Canterbury and Crusaders fan.

“It’s like… it’s like when your favourite  pet comes home again after running away for three years. You don’t even care what he’s been up to. You’re just glad he’s back in the yard.”

“It doesn’t matter if the Crusaders don’t win next year’s Super Rugby as they’re guaranteed to win when he’s back for them full-time in 2027,” Chamberlain said with excitement and a decreasing blood pressure, slowly pulling out pacers from his chest in his hospital bed.

Doctors say Craig is recovering from his head injury well, but have advised him to avoid any major rugby news for the next few days to prevent further spontaneous outbursts.

More to come. 

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FOREGONE CONCLUSION

The TAB has officially scrapped the option to bet on the Crusaders winning the upcoming Super Rugby Pacific final this Saturday — citing the result as “pre-determined” and therefore not a gamble worth taking.

The Crusaders, who face off against the Chiefs in Christchurch, boast a staggering home playoff record: 31 wins from 31 games, which is extremely unlikely to change come the final whistle after 80 minutes.

TAB spokesman Mark Goldstein explained the decision with a mix of amusement and resignation

“We love a good underdog story as much as anyone,” Goldstein said, “but the Crusaders’ home playoff record is basically the sporting equivalent of gravity — you can’t argue with it, you can’t bet against it, and frankly, it’s not really fun for anyone except their fans.”

Goldstein added, “Offering odds on the Crusaders to win at home is like selling insurance on whether the sun will rise tomorrow. It’s a predetermined outcome. We tried to crunch the numbers, ran all the algorithms, and every path led to a Crusaders win. So, for the sake of our sanity — and our wallets — we’ve removed that betting option.”

Chiefs fans, meanwhile, are reportedly considering alternate plans for Saturday night, including accepting defeat gracefully and just hoping their team loses with dignity. 

Meanwhile, TAB punters are advised to look elsewhere if they’re after a flutter with genuine uncertainty.

More to come. 

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CROWN THE KINGS NOW

Crusaders fans are genuinely getting impatient now.

The 14 time champions will have to play another rugby match against Chiefs this Saturday to then lift the 2025 Super Rugby Pacific Trophy.

The match, which will be played in Christchurch — aka the most statistically secure rugby stronghold on the planet when it comes to knockout games — marks the Crusaders’ eighth home final and comes after their 31st consecutive home playoff win, a tense 21-14 victory over the Blues.

Our reporters hit the streets of Christchurch and spoke to members of the red and black army about what they thought of this weekend’s extra match. 

“What more do they want?” asked one fan. “We’ve never lost a home playoff — that’s 31 in a row. It’s basically science at this point. Making us play another one is just delaying the inevitable.”

Longtime fan Millie Davies agreed.

“It’s actually disrespectful at this point. We beat the Blues, again. Will Jordan scored, again. It’s the same story every year. Just hand us the bloody trophy now and save the other team the inevitable disappointment of losing a Super Rugby final.”

One-eyed Cantab Craig Chamberlain was less measured.

“This is a bloody insult!” he roared. They should be handing us the trophy in the tunnel, not making us run around for 80 minutes! Here’s a new format idea for next year. The rest of the competition should just play knockout rounds to see who gets the honour of losing to us in the final!”

More to come. 

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SUBTLE TROLLING

30-year-old Ruby Galbraith this morning sauntered into her central Christchurch office and casually asked her colleagues, Nic and Gaz, “So, you guys looking forward to the big… sportsball game tonight?”

The incident occurred near the office’s communal espresso machine, moments after Ruby returned from her 11am kombucha break.

Nic Rawiri (33) and Gareth “Gaz” Patterson (35) were stunned into silence for a moment before realising Ruby was referring to tonight’s Super Rugby Pacific semi-final between the Crusaders and the Blues, a fixture they had been discussing in detail only moments prior — complete with forwards analysis, injury updates, and a spirited debate on whether Scott Barrett had peaked in 2022.

“She bloody well knows it’s a semi-final and the magnitude of it. It’s the Crusaders versus the Blues. In Christchurch. Tonight. Knockout footy. It couldn’t be more important,” said Gaz, his voice rising in volume.

Despite her passive-aggressive disinterest, Ruby claimed she did understand the gravity of the match.

“Oh yeah, I totally get that it’s a big deal. What is it—like the semi-regional finals? The Pacific Super Cup? Honestly, I hope everyone has fun running around and doing their little scrums.”

When pressed if Ruby was going to watch tonight’s game, Ruby smiled contently.

“Oh no, I’ve got a gig tonight,” she said, visibly delighted by the reaction. “It’s a genderfluid jungle-folk trio from Sweden”. 

More to come. 

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RIEKO’S RIDDLE

Crusaders fan Jake Hines, 28, says he’s “pretty sure the boys will get it done at home,” but admits he’s deeply unsettled by the prospect of what Rieko Ioane might post on Instagram should the Blues knock the defending champs out of the semi-finals.

“Look, I back our culture, I back our 30-0 home record in playoff matches at home” he said, dressed in a Crusaders jersey.

“But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t terrified of seeing another one of Rieko’s Joker posts with cryptic captions if we somehow lose to them.”

Ioane has developed a reputation online for playing the villain, which kicked off last year when he launched a subtle but pointed Instagram spat aimed at Irish great Johnny Sexton, not long after the launch of Sexton’s autobiography.

Since then, Ioane has taken to the platform regularly to stir the pot — particularly during the Blues’ late-season resurgence. After last weekend’s upset win over the Chiefs in Hamilton, Ioane posted an Instagram story reading:

“Should’ve killed me when you had the chance. 2 to get.”, followed by a joker emoji.

When Jake was asked if he would take a narrow, scrappy win just to avoid the risk of Ioane’s post-match monologue, Hines answered instantly:

 “Yes. 6–3. A penalty in the 78th minute. I don’t care if it rains sideways the whole game. Just enough to keep Rieko quiet for 48 hours. That’s all I ask.”

More to come. 

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SEEING RED

Diehard Crusaders fan Craig Chamberlain is absolutely fuming this week — not because of form, injuries or referees, but because the Crusaders are being forced to play a semi-final before taking their ‘rightful place’ in the Super Rugby Pacific final.

“I just don’t see why we have to go through all this palaver when the outcome is already known,” said a red-faced Chamberlain, annoyed by the fact the Crusaders must play another match before taking their place in the grand final.

“They beat the Reds comfortably last weekend in a pointless quarter-final. We’ve never lost a home playoff. Thirty bloody wins. Zero losses. What more do these people need? I don’t want to see Rieko Iaone showboating around our fortress!” Chamberlain said disappointed his side will have to play a meaningless match against the Blues this weekend in Christchurch.

According to Chamberlain, the requirement to play a semi-final at home in Canterbury is not only “a waste of everyone’s time” but “borderline disrespectful to the franchise.”

When asked if he’d still be attending the semi-final, Chamberlain scoffed.

“Of course I will. I’ve been to 18 finals and I treat semi-finals like a formal warm-up. But I’ll be crossing my arms and muttering the whole time, I can tell you that much. Waste of bloody time.

“It’s just classic NZ Rugby admin if you ask me. Making us jump through hoops when everyone knows we’ll be in the final anyway. Might as well just hand us the trophy and spare everyone the petrol. I’m glad Mark Robinson has fallen on his sword today!”

More to come. 

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FANTASY LAND

Diehard Crusaders fan Craig Chamberlain from Shirley has refused to accept the events of last night’s Super Rugby match in Christchurch, declaring Moana Pasifika’s 45-29 win over the Crusaders as an “obvious deepfake scam.”

“You’re telling me that every single Moana player had the game of their lives all at once and in Christchurch? Please. Statistically impossible. Those weren’t even real players, just CGI illusions made to trick us,” Chamberlain said, questioning the reality he has woken up in today.

By all logical accounts, the result should have been a routine five-pointer for the home side. But Moana instead played their most complete game in franchise history, dominating across the park and making even the most passionate Crusaders supporters question reality.

Chamberlain’s skepticism was reinforced after watching the replay and seeing Moana Pasifika run in try after try with ease.

“Where’s the defensive line? Where’s the classic Crusaders comeback? Are we really expected to believe this happened in Christchurch, in front of our own people?

“Not a single ruck felt real. The Crusaders’ tackles didn’t have any force. I bet they weren’t even touching the Moana players. It was all just clever CGI—either that, or a mass hypnosis. There’s no way my Crusaders would lose like this in our own fortress.”

More to come. 

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IT’S COMING HOME

After the Crusaders returned to winning ways with a dominant 42-19 thrashing of the Blues at Eden Park, satisfied Crusaders fans have been caught quietly envisioning their beloved team’s victory parade in the heart of Christchurch in a couple of months time.

“Dynasty 2.0 is in full swing, start booking the tram for a city tour with the trophy” said a long-time Crusaders supporter.”

“This win shows we’re back to our old habits, comfortably beating the Blues in their own  backyard.”

The Crusaders now sit second on the table and are only behind the Chiefs who have a game in hand. 

Olivia Parkes who had started painting her face red and black and was wearing a 1990s Crusaders jersey also spoke to our reporters.

“The competition can start packing up now. Rob Penney’s got the boys firing at the moment. Just wait till June—Championship Parade. Book it. Hard to think people were wanting him sacked last season!” 

“They better start making more room in their trophy cabinet at Crusaders headquarters. It’s coming home!”

The TAB reportedly have removed the Crusaders head to head option for Moana Pasifika in Christchurch next week due to the fact they cannot simply lose.

More to come. 

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LOVE AND LOYALTY

Craig Chamberlain, 59 from Shirley, Christchurch, is now free to fully focus on his beloved Crusaders after finalising his divorce from his now ex-wife Diane.

“No more distractions” he beamed, sitting there in his Crusaders jersey, clutching a picture of their 2023 title win.

It is a decision that may have stunned others, but made complete sense to him. 

“She never truly understood. I still love Diane, but did she ever win seven Super Rugby titles in a row? I don’t think so,” Craig said, glancing at pictures of previous Crusaders title victories.

Now, with the divorce papers signed and the burden of relationship obligations lifted, Craig says he’s free to devote all his time on his Crusaders. “No more distractions, just me, the team, and us working together to win another title. That’s real relationship commitment.”

Craig plans to spend his Valentine’s at the Crusaders vs Hurricanes match, Super Rugby Pacific’s season opener. For now, dating is off the table for the one eyed Cantabrian. 

“If I ever date again she’ll have to accept that I’ll always love the Crusaders more.”

More to come. 

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SLEIGH FULL OF YEN

All Blacks coach Scott “Razor” Robertson was spotted perched on Santa’s knee at Christchurch’s Northlands Mall today, clutching a handwritten wishlist. Top of the list: “Enough Japanese yen to buy Richie Mo’unga back.”

Mo’unga, who signed a lucrative three-year deal with Toshiba Brave Lupus in 2022, is reportedly pocketing over $2 million a season, putting him out of reach for the All Blacks under New Zealand Rugby’s staunch “no overseas players” policy. But that hasn’t stopped the optimistic Robertson from dreaming of a Mo’unga-shaped Christmas miracle.

“Santa’s my last hope” said Robertson, who had tried dropping hints to NZ Rugby ever since he was named All Blacks coach, that picking overseas based NZ players is something they should keep an open mind to.

 “I told him, ‘Look, mate, I need about $6-8 million in yen—just enough to buy Richie out of that contract. Maybe throw in some match tickets for the elves, and we’ll call it square.’”

Santa, who was visibly sweating under the weight of the notoriously athletic coach, tried to manage expectations. “I usually stick to Barbies and Nerf guns, not negotiating multimillion-dollar rugby contracts,” Santa remarked cautiously. “But Razor’s passion is hard to ignore.”

New Zealand Rugby, however, remains less optimistic about Razor’s plan. 

 “We appreciate Razor’s creativity, but unless Santa also drops off a policy rewrite and a spare $6-$8m for Richie, we’re not sure how this will work.”

More to come. 

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The post RAZOR’S WISHLIST: Scott Robertson Asks Santa For Enough Japanese Yen To Buy Back Richie Mo’unga appeared first on The Whakataki Times.