STORM SENTENCE

Meteorologists are calling it an “unprecedented weather event,” but a growing number of superstitious locals are saying this was a cruel joke being played by a force beyond our comprehension.

After days of relentless rain and flash flooding, the so-called “art installation” known as the Bucket Fountain on Wellington’s Cuba Street is being blamed for “angering some kind of deity”, which may have been either Ranginui or Zeus. 

Local theology enthusiast Jacob Jefferson ominously told our reporters “Yes. We warned you, but you wouldn’t listen.”

For years, the Bucket Fountain has stood in Wellington with the unearned confidence of something that absolutely should not have been given public consent, let alone plumbing. Featuring a series of aggressively coloured buckets spilling water into each other in a never-ending cycle of splashy chaos, it has divided opinion, with some people finding it mildly amusing and others trying hard to avoid it.

But now, experts say the signs were always there.

“It’s not a fountain,” said one local hydrologist. “It never has been, and now we’re all getting the cruel, ironic punishment we’ve had coming.”

The theory gaining traction is that the city’s continued acceptance of the Bucket Fountain for years  as “quirky” and “iconic” triggered what ancient texts refer to as The Great Dampening,  a period of corrective force sent to reset a decaying civilisation.

Residents of Wellington report a growing sense that nature itself has lost patience.

“I used to think it was cute,” said one Berhampore local while bailing water from her lounge. “The buckets, the splashing, the… whatever it’s supposed to be. But now I think the weather is right. We should have stopped it years ago. This is punishment for us which we deserve. Time to think about what we’ve done.”

More to come.

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