HOLY HYDRATION

Dunedin students have flocked to local pubs to celebrate new laws letting Kiwis buy booze on Good Friday without the hassle of ordering a side of fries.

Otago University students Jonty and Matt, who’d come from their Castle Street flat, the “Piss Shack,” said the new laws meant they could finally enjoy a few cold ones at their local without having to pretend they were there for the “gastronomy.”

“Oh man, it’s so good to have the bars open normally. Usually, we’ve only got empties lying around at home,” Jonty said—referring to the knee-deep pile of boxes and bottles he’d climbed over just to get to the door.

Matt, wearing a Speights dressing gown and a single Highlanders-branded Croc, nodded in agreement.

“Previously, you had to buy a ‘substantial meal’ just to get a glass of Vitamin Speights, which is a violation of our basic human rights I reckon. I don’t want a $60 wagyu steak, I want a pint and a sense of belonging.

 Now, if I wake up on Good Friday and realise the only liquid in the flat is the condensation on the windows, I can just wander down to the pub like a civilized breather.”

The pair argued that the ‘liquid lunch” initiative wasn’t just about binge drinking, but about honouring the spirit of the holiday.

“Easter is about rebirth, isn’t it?” Jonty said. “Nothing says ‘rebirth’ like cracking a cold one before the sun rises at like midday in Dunedin. It’s a spiritual experience, really.”

A spokesperson from the Otago University Students’ Association (OUSA) noted that the law change significantly reduces the risk of students resorting to “Plan B.”

“Before this law, students were just stockpiling room-temperature boxes, acting as if they’d need all this alcohol to stay warm in their damp flats,” the spokesperson said.

“By Saturday night, this meant most flats, which are traditionally kept very neat, were basically health hazards. Letting them go to a managed environment like a pub is just common sense.”

As for the critics who suggest that celebrating a religious holiday with plenty of pints might be “a bit much,” Jonty was quick to dismiss them.

“With the price of tuna and 2-minute noodles these days, a pint of stout is basically a meal replacement,” he explained, gesturing to the pub menu he was using as a coaster.

“It’s made of grain. That’s one of the food groups. We’re just being health-conscious,” he explains, as a group of students at the next table move to dismiss the waiter who’d come to take their order, saying “we’re just here for the pints, thanks.”

More to come.

The post Dunedin Students Instinctively Celebrate Alcohol Law Change With ‘Liquid Lunch’ appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

UNFORGIVABLE 

A local man has been left with nothing but regret and a dry mouth this Good Friday, after forgetting to buy beers the day before everything closed.

Palmerston North electrician Hayden Ropata, 33, told the Whakataki Times he had “no idea” it was already Easter until he rolled out of bed this morning. 

“I opened the fridge and just stood there. Like an idiot. Nothing but milk and half a lemon,” said Ropata, staring blankly at a closed Countdown from across the road.

“I knew Easter was coming up at some point. I just didn’t realise it was now.”

With supermarkets, bottle stores and his usual backup dairies all closed to mark the death of Christ, Ropata says he’s now reflecting on his own judgment day—yesterday afternoon, when he chose to watch an old Warriors game instead of heading to the shops.

“Judas had thirty pieces of silver. I had a reminder in my phone. And I still blew it,” he confessed.

Ropata said he had ignored multiple warnings throughout the week, including a sign at the bottle-o that read “Stock up before Good Friday!” and his mate Craig, who literally asked him, “You sorted for the weekend?”

“I just laughed and said ‘Always’. But I wasn’t,” said the man, who admits he was too focused on the four-day break to think about the actual logistics of enjoying it.

The dry-mouthed, self-described ‘loser’ says he’s now resigned to a day of water, self-loathing, and possibly mowing the lawn.

“I don’t want to compare myself to Christ, but I’ve made a huge sacrifice. All for nothing though!”

He now waits for the salvation of Easter Saturday, when the shops reopen and he can repent for his sins.

More to come. 

The post Local Man Feels Like He’s Been Nailed To The Cross After Not Stocking Up On Good Friday Beers appeared first on The Whakataki Times.