NEVER LIKED ‘EM

With the dust settled after Red Bull Racing’s widely-criticised move to drop Liam Lawson, the young driver has now revealed he’s never liked Red Bull as a drink, or any of the other sour-tasting caffeine-laden energy drinks on the market. 

“Traditionally been more of a coke guy, actually. Something weird about the taste of those drinks. Never liked them,” he said to a shocked press gallery. 

“Turns out Red Bull makes shit drinks AND shit cars, haha”.

Lawson says if he ever had to choose one energy drink in an emergency, he’d go for a V, mainly because it’s a good kiwi brand that started in Methven in the South Island. 

“But that’s only if there was no chance of a long black or Americano. These days there’s no sugar allowed in this engine,” he smiled. 

As all the newly minted F1 experts in New Zealand speculate further, we can only hope Lawson focuses his anger on delivering results, despite this setback. 

“Sorry, I meant shit cars, shit drinks AND shit team selections.”

More to come. 

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The post Liam Lawson Reveals He Doesn’t Even Like Energy Drinks appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BAFFLING 

Despite consuming a daily cocktail of sugar, caffeine, and artificial stimulants, 29-year-old Hamilton woman Stacey Duff remains completely baffled as to why she feels like she’s been hit by a truck by 5:30 p.m.

“I just don’t get it,” sighed Duff, rubbing her eyes as she slumped onto her couch, an unopened can of V tucked beside her. 

“I start my day strong with a double-shot flat white, follow it up with a cheeky Monster mid-morning, chuck back a Red Bull at lunch, and maybe another V in the afternoon if I’m lagging. But by the time I get home, I’m so exhausted. Like, I could literally pass out.”

“I’ve been thinking I might have low iron or something,” she mused, cracking open the V she swore she wouldn’t drink. “Mum keeps telling me to take magnesium, but like, that just makes you sleepy, right? I don’t need more sleep—I need more energy!”

Her boyfriend, 31-year-old Nathan Wright, who has endured daily complaints about her tiredness for the past two years, remains deeply unimpressed.

“Every single night, she comes home and says, ‘Ugh, I’m so tired,’” he said, shaking his head. “And every single day, I watch her funnel liters of sugar and caffeine like she’s fueling up a race car. It’s the same conversation, over and over again.”

Wright has gently suggested that Duff “maybe drink some water” or “try getting eight hours of sleep instead of staying up scrolling Instagram.” These suggestions have so far been met with hostility.

More to come. 

The post Woman Who Drinks Multiple Energy Drinks, Coffee, Unsure Why She’s Continually Crashing At End Of The Day appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

IT ALL STARTS WITH V

Local software developer Callum Marsden was battling today, after staying up well past his bedtime playing video games last night. 

The 29 year old from Hamilton started the day with his usual two coffees, but when that wasn’t enough to jolt him into action, proceeded to drink three energy drinks over the course of his Wednesday. 

“Stomach doesn’t feel quite right ay,” he said, looking confused about the fact that he was now both sleep-deprived and overstimulated by caffeine and sugar.

“I love blue V ay, easily the superior flavour. Not sure why I’m feeling like this, usually I’m fine with energy drinks,” said Marsden, neglecting the fact that he would usually only have one can, plus a full night’s sleep. 

Marsden was not able to move any of the tasks on his team “kanban” board to “done” today, as he had been massively unfocused and underproductive in his work-from-home job. He was forced to admit that after ruining his own sleep with a pointlessly long gaming session, he had now demonstrably made himself sick. 

“Should probably just go lie down. It’s three o’clock now so I may as well just message my boss and say I need to log off. I’ll just say I’m feeling sick, but I won’t mention that it’s 100% my own fault,” he laughed before retching slightly.  

“He’ll understand. Man, maybe I’ll lay off the V for a while.”

Marsden is now reportedly preparing for another late night gaming session, starting this one with a raspberry lemonade V.

More to come. 

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The post Local Man On Third Blue V Of The Day Wondering Why He Feels So Average appeared first on The Whakataki Times.