BANDWAGON

An Auckland bloke has reportedly discovered a lifelong passion for the Melbourne Storm despite a glaring lack of connection to Melbourne, the Storm, or professional rugby league in general.

Chad Wilkes, 29, who has only ever set foot in Australia twice, both times on holiday to see the sights, has announced, with the fervor of a born-and-bred supporter, that he has “always” been a diehard Storm fan.

“I’ve always been backing the Storm,” the fairweather Warriors fan told friends while adjusting his newly purchased Storm jersey, still with tags attached.

“Brisbane has a good team, but they won’t beat my Melbourne Storm, not with Jahrome Hughes in the halves,” said Wilkes, who only ever seems to support the Storm in September and October.

With a handful of Kiwis playing on both sides in Sunday’s NRL Grand Final, Wilkes is determined to cheer loudly for Melbourne, leaving no doubt about his “lifelong” loyalty.

“To be honest even when the Warriors were on, my heart was always with the Melbourne Storm. Always.”

More to come. 

The post NRL GRAND FINAL: New Zealander With Zero Ties To Melbourne Suddenly Becomes Lifelong Storm Fan appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CRUSADE ON

Long-suffering Chiefs supporter Tim Revell, 32, has reportedly spent the last 48 hours in a depressive spiral after witnessing his team lose a third straight Super Rugby final, this time to the Crusaders, again.

But in a moment of rare perspective, Revell says he has managed to lift his mood slightly — by reminding himself that at least he’s not caught in escalating US-Iran tensions in the Middle East.

“Yeah look, I’ve been absolutely down in the dumps. Can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t scroll Instagram without seeing David Havili holding another bloody Super Rugby trophy. But I’ve started telling myself — ‘Hey Tim, at least you’re not stuck in Iran wondering if Trump’s gonna drone strike your driveway,’” said Revell, still sitting in his Chiefs jersey from Saturday night.

“Honestly, if I see one more TikTok or Instagram video of the Crusaders fans doing the ‘Crusade On’ chant in slow motion, I might delete the whole app and start exclusively watching depressing world news,” said Revell, still reeling from the Chiefs 16-12 loss.

When asked how he plans to recover, Revell said he’s taking things one bad news cycle at a time.

“I’ll probably just keep watching international conflict coverage for a while. Might switch to Gaza or Yemen next, just to keep things in perspective.

“Like I said, could be worse. I could be in Iran. Or worse still — be a Blues fan. At least we made the grand final.”

More to come. 

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SOUTHERN STUBBORNNESS

Despite the Highlanders sitting rock bottom on the Super Rugby Pacific in 2025, 34-year-old Jay Briggs has been proudly strutting around Christchurch like it’s still the golden era of Marty Banks and Aaron Smith.

Originally from Dunedin but now living in Christchurch, Briggs has refused to let facts, form, or common sense get in the way of his one-eyed devotion to the southern franchise.

“They might be dead last and have been bang average for a few seasons now, but that just means they’re due,” explained Briggs, who has been hoping for a season like they had in 2015 for the past decade, often also reminiscing of 1999 where they made the Super 12 grand final, in what was dubbed “Party at Tony Brown’s”

The Highlanders will naturally be missing the playoffs with tonight’s fixture and final round robin game against the top of the table Chiefs, a game Jay’s describing as “David vs Goliath,”

“If we lose, I’ll wear it even louder. That’s how you know who the real fans are. Not like these Chiefs fans who turn on their team when the going gets tough. Welcome to the house of pain!” Briggs exclaimed, still living emotionally in 2015, the last time they won the title. 

Asked how he copes with the relentless banter at work and in public, Briggs was unfazed.

“I don’t support the Highlanders because it’s easy. I support them because it’s home!”

More to come. 

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GLITCH IN THE MATRIX

Warriors loyalist Jared Ioane was staring blankly at his living room wall after the Warriors notched up their fifth straight victory this evening.

“I don’t know what this feeling is,” said Ioane, staring blankly as if he’d just seen the code behind reality. “They completed their sets. They defended repeat sets. They kicked early for territory. Is this… the real world?” Ioane exclaimed, as if he was Neo in the Matrix and suspecting the world around him was not real.

The 32-year-old appeared to be glitching slightly, as his beloved team had begun delivering something previously thought incompatible with the Warriors operating system: consistency.

The Warriors 16-12 win over the Dolphins at Suncorp Stadium in Brisbane was a performance so composed, so reliable, that some long-time fans are reportedly developing trust issues — not with the team, but with their own expectations.

“I’ve supported this club through nearly 25 different versions of heartbreak,” Ioane muttered, still pacing. “Now I’m starting to feel… calm? It’s unsettling. I haven’t yelled ‘typical Warriors’ in weeks. It’s like I’m in some sort of simulation.”

“If we make it six in a row, I’m going to have to write an apology letter to every ex Warriors coach I’ve cursed over the years. I might even forgive the Bunker for all their blunders over the years against us.”

More to come. 

The post FIFTH STRAIGHT WIN: Warriors Fan Confused by Reality and Suspects It’s a Simulation appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

OUR YEAR 

Warriors fan Sean Fraser, 32, from Auckland has spent the better part of Sunday morning refreshing the Air New Zealand website looking at flights to Sydney in early October.

“Second on the ladder and 10 rounds into the season? I haven’t felt this kind of confidence since the golden Stacey Jones era.” Fraser said with excitement as it is indeed the Warriors’ best start to an NRL season since 2002.

Last night’s nerve-shattering 15–14 win over the Dragons, sealed by a clutch 69th-minute field goal from Luke Metcalf, has sent a ripple of unearned certainty through Warriors Nation — a fanbase famously allergic to consistency, but dangerously addicted to hope.

“At this stage they’re basically guaranteed to make the top eight, I think this is the year they’ll get us all the way to the big dance. Metcalf will guide us home.” said Fraser, who was now actually booking his flight to Sydney.

“I know we’ve been burned before,” admitted Fraser, nervously checking for flight cancellation fees. 

“But this feels different. Like, I don’t want to jinx it… but also I’ve cleared my calendar for early October. Come on, up the Wahs. This is our year!!”

More to come. 

The post FOUR WINS IN A ROW: Warriors Fans Beginning To Justify Booking Flights To NRL Grand Final appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BACK DOWN TO EARTH

In what can only be described as a humbling afternoon at Go Media Stadium, Auckland FC’s unbeaten run of seven games came to an abrupt and spectacular end.

Western United FC strolled into Auckland and left with a 4-0 victory, much to the dismay of the previously untouchable Aucklanders —and to the barely-contained glee of diehard Wellington Phoenix fan Mick Wilks.

“Seven games unbeaten, top of the league, prancing around like they’re Real Madrid. Well, reality’s finally checked in, and it’s wearing a Western United jersey.”

While most Auckland FC fans were left stunned and searching for answers after conceding four goals in a performance best described as “generally forgettable,” Mick was quick to offer his unsolicited analysis. 

“The problem with Auckland FC,” he opined from his usual corner at Wellington’s Backbencher pub, “is they’ve never known adversity. It’s all been sunshine and rainbows for them. Well, the Phoenix are forged in adversity. That’s why we’re better. We may not win that many, but at least we know what it’s like to lose with dignity.”

The Yellow Fever fan forums were too busy celebrating the 4-0 loss, while Auckland FC’s fan base The Port, were uncontactable for comment.

More to come. 

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The post Envious Phoenix Fan Gets Sick Pleasure From Auckland’s First Loss appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

THE AUCKLAND WAY

As Auckland FC continue their dream run in their first season of the A-League, Chairman Bill Foley is preparing for the absolute worst and most likely scenario.

Foley, who co-owns the club with Anna Mowbray and Ali Williams, says based on the general character of the average Aucklander, about three quarters of the club’s fans will vanish into thin air when they experience their first loss.

“Aucklanders are a cold-hearted bunch, very prone to losing interest in a sports team if they stop winning,” he said sagely.

“You only need to remember back to the New Zealand Knights or the Football Kingz to see what happens to Auckland football teams once they lose the plot.

“Any fan of a newly established Auckland franchise has a high chance of evaporation.”

The businessman, who also owns part of English club AFC Bournemouth, even pointed to the fluctuation in interest in the Auckland-based Blues Super Rugby team.

“Even the Blues can’t afford to be too shit, and they play New Zealand’s national sport! And I’m not sure how the Warriors have kept people coming to their games during the bad old days”

When asked about what the Wellington Phoenix was doing right as far as keeping fans interested, Foley looked at the situation from a practical angle. 

“Auckland is New Zealand’s only major city and it has plenty to offer, lots of choices for people about how they spend their time. In contrast, when you live in a city as boring as Wellington, even a losing Phoenix team can seem exciting. 

At this stage the co-owner is doing all he can to keep the team’s winning streak going. 

“Just need to get the total fan base up to a really solid number before 75% of them spontaneously combust.”

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

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