SWEET DREAMS

Hannah Davies, 24, the Instagram wellness guru who insists on the importance of getting proper REM sleep each night definitely will not be getting any this weekend due to Christchurch’s Electric Ave music festival.

“You can’t green-smoothie your way out of a bad sleep schedule. Rest is the foundation,” Davies said, clearly a few lines deep into a white substance and right up the front of the festival’s main stage at Hagley Park.

The ever-growing popularity of Electric Avenue has seen pill testing tents set up at the gates, offering safety checks for substances that rarely contain ingredients like quinoa or activated charcoal. Hannah, however, opted for what she described as a “trust-based supply chain.”

“I believe in intuitive consumption,” she explained, moments before asking three strangers if the grass was “breathing aggressively.”

Despite spending the past six months flooding her Instagram stories with stern reminders that anything less than eight hours sleep is “self-sabotage,” Davies seemed remarkably relaxed about the fact she’d just shelved an entire circadian rhythm in favour of a suspiciously crumbly line she’d confidently described as “just a little boost.”

“You can’t out-green-juice a bad sleep schedule. Rest is the foundation,” she repeated diligently.

“I usually protect my sleep like it’s sacred,” Davies explained, bouncing lightly on the balls of her feet.

“But tonight, I’m open to exploring other dimensions of consciousness. Missing one full night can’t hurt, right? Just a little something to elevate the experience, y’know?”

More to come.

The post WIRED AWAKE: Health Guru Who Preaches 8 Hours Sleep Each Night Now On Fourth Line At Electric Ave appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HOLISTIC HYPOCRISY

Hannah Davies, a self-proclaimed wellness guru who regularly preaches the benefits of clean living, organic eating, and spiritual alignment, has temporarily shelved her core beliefs in order to get absolutely sideways at Christchurch’s Electric Avenue festival.

“I always say wellness is about balance,” she chirped, adjusting her ethically sourced linen two-piece. “And sometimes, balance means hoofing a questionable capsule from a guy named Damo at a festival.”

Electric Ave is an ever growing popular music festival held at Hagley Park, which often sees pill testing take place prior to people entering the event which will likely see 30,000 people attend the sold out event each day. 

Despite spending the past six months warning her Instagram followers about the dangers of processed foods and non-organic sunscreen, Davies seemed untroubled by the provenance of the suspiciously crumbly pill she had just palmed. 

“I usually just stick to my plant-based diet, but tonight, I’m feeling like, what’s the harm in exploring other dimensions of wellness?” Davies continued, her voice rising slightly in excitement. “Just a little something to elevate the experience, y’know?”

More to come. 

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TRAGIC LOSS FOR THE BOYS

A few good men have been mourning over Hannah Watts’ Instagram account lately.

Some Christchurch locals’ are devastated at the transformation of Watts’ social media photos, which went from a vibrant festival highlight reel account into an endless stream of baby photos.

“Back in 2018, she was out there doing God’s work—posting sunset bikini pics with vague captions like ‘energy’ or boomerangs of her doing shots at a beach bar overseas. Now? It’s just continuous updates of her newborn showcasing a new outfit,” said one upset follower.

The shift reportedly began subtly, with a single pregnancy announcement accompanied by the classic “our little miracle” caption. But within months, the algorithm’s worst fears were realized—stories filled with pram walks, and milestone stickers.

“I get it, she’s a mum now,” sighed another disheartened follower, Dylan Harris, 28, who has yet to recover from the emotional whiplash of seeing Hannah’s grid shift from festival outfits to bassinet reviews. “But does the world really need this many updates about sleep regressions? Where’s the tasteful festival glitter? The strategic hot dog leg photos? The tequila shots??”

Sources say the final blow for her male followers came when she replaced the last remnants of her old life—the iconic Ibiza 2019 highlight reel—with a new folder simply titled ‘Baby Bean’

Unfollow rates have reportedly spiked by 73%.

More to come. 

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The post Once-Wild Party Girl’s Instagram Now Just A Baby Photo Dump Album appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WE GET IT, YOU’RE THERE

The National government has announced its intention to extend the controversial ban on gang patches to tackle another societal menace: Instagram stories flooded with festival footage. 

The proposed crackdown will prohibit anyone from posting shaky videos of strobe-lit stages paired with muffled bass, accompanied by off-key renditions of chart-topping hits.

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon defended the policy, claiming it was born out of public demand. “New Zealanders have had enough. Opening Instagram to find 47 clips of someone’s poorly lit festival journey, featuring indistinguishable artists and tone-deaf karaoke, is an assault on the senses. We’re putting a stop to it,” he declared in a press conference.

Chelsea McVale, 25 from Christchurch, who is a regular festival goer at Electric Avenue was outraged. “This is outrageous,” she said, visibly distraught. “What’s the point of going to a festival if you can’t make everyone else experience FOMO through a story? Ugghh.”

Chelsea isn’t alone in her frustration. Millie Stewart, a 21-year-old student from Dunedin, has spent months planning her pilgrimage to Rhythm and Vines. 

“It’s about self-expression! How can you share your soul with the world if you can’t post, like, 13 clips of a DJ you don’t even know, trying to look cool while you fumble for your phone in the crowd?”

The response from the public was mixed, with some social media users wholeheartedly agreeing with the restrictions, citing their overwhelming frustration with never-ending festival stories.

“I had to mute four people last summer just because of their festival posts. It was all the same! Half the time, I couldn’t even tell which DJ was playing, and they were all singing terribly—off-key, out of sync with the music. It was torture. Bring on the ban!”

More to come. 

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The post Government Proposes Ban On People Posting Unwatchable Festival Footage To Instagram Stories appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WHO THE HELL IS ICE SPICE?

34-year old Hamish Bevan finally accepted reality today, after bearing witness to a bewildering lineup announcement for Rhythm and Vines. 

Bevan attended the popular music festival, also known as “RnV”, as a spritely 19 year old back in 2009. But now that he has a wife and children, he has found himself squinting at today’s lineup announcement and wondering who or what “Ice Spice” is. 

“I had to google ‘Ice Spice’ in the end. Female rapper who was nominated for a Grammy recently? God I’m old,” he groaned. 

The only name the millennial man was able to correctly identify was Dave Dobbyn, who was at the height of his popularity in the 70s and 80s. 

“Saw that Sir Dave is going to be there, probably for a late afternoon set I guess. And then off to bed at a reasonable hour. 

“Shit I’m feeling tired just thinking about RnV.”

After further inspection of the Stuff article he was reading, which listed the names from the first lineup announcement, he was pleased there actually were a couple more he knew. 

“Oh RL Grime, yep I remember him. And Gin Wigmore! I know Gin!” he said as he became embarrassingly excited. 

Bevan would not elaborate further on his completely outdated music knowledge, after it became clear he had fallen asleep on the couch. 

More to come. 

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The post Millennial Accepts Old Age After Only Being Able To Recognise Dave Dobbyn’s Name In RnV Lineup appeared first on The Whakataki Times.