NOWHERE TO RUN

A 26-year-old Christchurch woman has become increasingly concerned that she has developed a “weird running style” despite general indifference from everyone around her. 

Sophie Hopkins, who recently decided to get into fitness, says she actually enjoys running but has become distracted by what she describes as “whatever the hell my arms are doing.”

“I like running, I genuinely do,” Sophie said. “But every time I see myself running past a reflection of a car or  window, I think, ‘Fuck, that looks weird.’”

Sophie said she has spent the past three weeks attempting to correct her running technique, despite having no formal knowledge of running technique.

“I’ve tried keeping my arms lower, then higher, then not moving them as much,” she explained. “At one point I was consciously thinking about every single step, which somehow made me run even more strangely.”

Her boyfriend reportedly told her she looked completely normal.

“I don’t believe him,” Sophie said. “I think everyone looks weird when they run. I just wish I could stop thinking about what my legs are doing.”

She is now considering taking up cycling, believing that sitting down and pedalling would be harder to get wrong. 

More to come.

The post Local Woman Getting Into Fitness Now Convinced She Has A Weird Running Style appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SLED AHEAD

Jarrod Kearney, 30, from Wellington, has officially declared what he insists the entire world has been missing: Hyrox. “I used to chase PRs on wall balls with CrossFit. Now I chase glory across 8 kilometers and eight brutal stations. Hyrox is what fitness was always meant to be.”

Fresh from competing at the Hyrox competition in Auckland over the weekend, which he let all of his friend groups know about by plastering it across his social media channels,  Kearney now can’t stop talking about training for his next Hyrox competition and how it is the most elite level of fitness.

“It’s simple but brutal,” he said. “You run a kilometer, smash a workout station, repeat eight times. It tests your endurance, strength, and cardio. CrossFit doesn’t compare to this.

“I just want people to feel the same revelation I did,” Jarrod explained, slamming a sandbag onto the floor for emphasis. “CrossFit was fun, but it was a chaotic circus. Hyrox is fitness distilled—run, lift, repeat, repeat, repeat… eight times. You can’t fake it. You can’t cheat. You either do it, or you cry in the corner.”

Friends of Kearney have noticed the transformation. “He used to be insufferable when talking about CrossFit a decade ago” said a former gym buddy, who requested anonymity. “Now he’s just punishing us with all this Hyrox stuff. Honestly, it looks kinda similar. Just another cult really.”

Kearney himself acknowledges that Hyrox isn’t for everyone. “It’s definitely tough,” he said. “I wouldn’t say it’s easy, but that’s the point. It pushes you in a way nothing else does. CrossFit has its place, but Hyrox really makes you see what your body can do.”

More to come.

The post Former CrossFit Guy Announces Hyrox Is “What Fitness Was Always Meant to Be” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CALF CONFESSIONS

Mick Woodlake, 35, decided to squeeze in a run during the final days of his annual leave, which his legs have yet to forgive him for as he punished them with 10 kilometers around Hagley Park in Christchurch today.

“I felt like I could take on the world, maybe even run a half marathon… until about kilometer seven,” Woodlake said, wincing as he sat on his couch with a strategically placed ice pack. “Now my legs are sore. But, you know… good sore. The kind of sore that makes you feel alive, or at least like you achieved something. Kind of.”

Woodlake, who normally sticks to gentle jogs around Hagley Park as a bit of extra fitness, admitted he may have underestimated the challenge of running 10 kilometers straight. “I thought, ‘Hey, it’s only 10k,’” he explained. “Turns out, it’s a lot. My legs are questioning my choices here, but my ego feels amazing,” said Woodlake, proudly uploading his run to Strava and various social media platforms.

Fellow park-goers reportedly observed Woodlake passing them at what he described as “a respectable pace,” though one onlooker noted he “looked like a man who had made a very bad decision for his knees.”

When asked if he planned to do it again, Woodlake shrugged. “Maybe tomorrow. Or maybe in, like… a year. I’m going to need time to recover from this good sore first. I don’t usually go for long slow runs.”

By the end of the day, Woodlake’s legs remained sore, his pride slightly bruised.

“Not bad for an old pair of legs,” he muttered, plopping onto the couch. “Could’ve gone worse… could’ve gone way worse. 10k’s I’ll take that,” he explained and eyed up one of his few remaining beers in his fridge. 

More to come.

The post Man Who Went For Run This Morning Says Legs Are “Sore” But “Good Sore” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WE GET IT, YOU’RE FIT

A 34-year-old man running shirtless through Hagley Park has failed to turn any heads this afternoon, despite his best efforts.

Jake Wedlock, a recreational jogger from St Albans, was halfway through what he described as a “gruelling” 7 km loop around Hagley Park, when he decided to peel off his moisture-wicking sports singlet  and expose his glistening torso to Christchurch.

“It was just so hot, and I thought, y’know, I’ve been hitting the gym kinda consistently for like, four weeks now,” Wedlock told reporters, panting and visibly salty, both from sweat and perceived lack of attention.

“I thought maybe a few people might notice the progress — especially the upper chest and the faint signs of an ab coming through.”

Unfortunately, the only noticeable thing was the way Jake’s shirt dangled from his waistband like a sad, sweaty flag of misplaced confidence.

Local passerby Elaine Morton, 67, who was walking her miniature schnauzer, had front-row seats to Wedlock’s torso reveal.

“I thought he might have been having a heat stroke,” she said. “Then I realised he just wanted people to look at him. But we didn’t.”

Wedlock persisted with his topless crusade for the remaining 5kms, occasionally throwing in an exaggerated sidestep to dodge slow-moving tourists and forcing his breathing into loud, deliberate exhales he hoped would sound athletic.

“I just thought I’d get a bit more of a reaction, maybe a nod from a fellow runner or a double-take from someone at a café,” said Jake, who appeared to genuinely believe he was operating on a Zac Efron level of allure.

More to come. 

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The post Shirtless Jogger Impresses Nobody During Run appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MUSCLE MEMORY

Hagley Park regulars were treated to another masterclass in nostalgic footwork today.

This week it was 33-year-old Christchurch local Rhys Watson who turned his sluggish 5km jog into a highlight reel which looked like it was straight out of rugby’s golden era.

“It’s pure muscle memory,” he said, wiping sweat from his forehead after side stepping a handful of imaginary defenders.

“Back in the day, I played First XV for Shirley Boys’ High. Once you’ve sent one poor lad flying with a side step, it’s hard to shake the habit,” Watson recounted, also continuing to step side on the spot and fend off more imaginary would be tacklers with ease.

Watson, who  hasn’t played an actual game of rugby since 2009 admits he throws in the occasional sidestep to remind himself – and anyone watching – of his supposed glory days as a high school rugby player.

“You should have seen me in my college years. I was putting in the Skudder-step before it was a thing,” he said before raffling off details about some of his most memorable tries. 

“Honestly, Nehe Milner-Skudde probably watched tapes of me!”

More to come. 

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The post Local Bloke Out for Jog Instinctively Sidesteps Imaginary Defender appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FOR THE LONG HAUL

Caleb Rowling, a 28 year old data analyst, hit a major milestone in his quest for self-improvement this week – reaching week 3 of going to the gym without dramatically chucking it all in.

The young man from Palmerston North has previously used the early January period to make bold proclamations about changes he wants to make, ranging in theme from health to career progression.

Unlike other years, this time Caleb has committed $6.99 per week to the basic gym membership offered by City Fitness, saying he would be “building muscle and burning fat” three times a week from now on.

“I’ve hit rock bottom and the only way is up,” he said, claiming he has never been fatter or more unfit than he is now. Sources close to Caleb say this wasn’t helped by him “really enjoying his food and beers” over Christmas. 

“This year’s different though and I’ve kept my word so far. A total of seven gym visits for 2025 already,” he said, letting slip a very slight glow of pride.

“And yep, I know it’s only been two weeks, not very long. But Edmund Hillary started with a single step when he climbed up Everest, didn’t he?”

While most people around him are offering support and encouragement, it’s clear some of Caleb’s family members are not immune to the dreaded ‘tall poppy syndrome’. Cousin Blaine, 31, unhelpfully pointed out that he’s heard it all before, and that Caleb’s failed to persist in previous endeavours. 

“Oh here we go again, Caleb with his big resolutions. All talk and no action,” he typed smugly onto Instagram, despite never really reaching his own potential in life.

Caleb is not worried about the blowback however, as he has consumed so many hours of mindset-related Youtube content, he had a premeditated response locked and loaded.

“Got to learn to love your haters! And remember, the hate never comes from above, it always comes from below.”

More to come.

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The post DEDICATED: Local Man’s New Year Fitness Habits Still Going Strong After A Full Two Weeks appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

“SO YOU JUST RAN? FOR NO ONE TO SEE?”

24-year-old Kelly Hayes found herself accused of some sort of social crime today.

According to long time friend Clara Billingsley, Hayes, an active jogger, had ‘faked a run’ as she failed to upload any proof to Strava, the popular running app.

Hayes, who had been quietly running laps around Hagley Park in Christchurch most mornings, found herself in a tense standoff with her friend after she mentioned her morning jog.

“I don’t get it, Kelly. You just ran, and no one even saw it on Strava? How do I know you didn’t just walk to the bakery and call it a ‘run’?” Billingsley demanded, with a tone that can only be described as deeply suspicious.

It wasn’t the first time Hayes had gone out for a run, but it was, as it turned out, the first time she’d failed to post it to Strava where runners log their times, distances, and various metrics.

“I don’t know why she’s so obsessed with Strava. I run because it makes me feel good, not because I need people to see it,” Hayes explained, visibly perplexed at Billingsley’s reaction. 

“I mean, who doesn’t post their run these days?” Billingsley asked, as if Hayes had just violated some unwritten law of fitness culture.

“You can’t just do that! How can we know you’re actually running if you don’t have a map of your route and a glowing streak on your Strava profile to prove it?”

More to come. 

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The post Friend Accused Of Faking Run As No Strava Post Was Made to Back Up Claim appeared first on The Whakataki Times.