WAVE OF WARNINGS

Brad Bishop, 29, has declared he would now prefer to be taken out by a tsunami and a barrage of tidal waves than receive another violently loud Civil Defence emergency alert on his cell phone. 

Bishop, who lives in Greymouth, said the nightmare began yesterday afternoon when the first warning pinged through his phone like “someone had fired a flare gun into my eardrum.”

“That first one at 4pm was a bit of a shock, but you kind of expect it, given the earthquake in Russia. I figured, alright, cheers for the heads-up, good to know there’s an earthquake thousands of miles away in a country I’ll never go to,” said Bishop, still visibly shaken. 

“But then I was rudely woken up this morning by another one. I was starting to think, are we about to go to war or something?” 

While the official alerts were sent out at 4:12pm yesterday and again at 6:30 this morning, a mysterious “glitch” in the system meant Bishop and countless others were treated to an impromptu symphony of sirens during the wee hours.

“I would genuinely rather be swept away unexpectedly by a rogue wave than be violently ambushed in the early hours of the morning by that bloody haunting alert system,” said Bishop, who compared the sound to “a car alarm inside a concrete tunnel being played through your skull.”

“Like, if I’m gonna die, just let the wave take me while I’m still asleep. Let the water from the tsunami gush over me and take me pleasantly. Don’t wake me up first, that’s just cruel.”

More to come. 

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DAD’S ARK

A state of emergency across Christchurch proved no match for one determined Rangi Ruru Girls’ School student this morning, who refused to let a “bit of puddle” ruin her education—or her aesthetic.

With Canterbury’s wild weather turning the streets of Tai Tapu into tributaries and Selwyn into a soggy Venice, 15-year-old Ruby Whiting of Merivale  proved that resilience runs deep in the privileged.

“Ugh, Dad’s Jaguar was obviously no use this morning,” said Whiting, rolling her eyes and gesturing toward the luxury car now floating slowly past their letterbox.

“So we just used the family boat we normally take to our bach in Kaiteriteri during the summer break, but with today’s flooding, may as well get it out a few months early!” 

Meanwhile, Ruby’s younger sister, Sophie, 11, had already made waves—literally—having commandeered the family jet ski and shot off toward her primary school at speeds that would breach any 5-knot zone.

Ruby, dressed in full regulation blazer, boat shoes, and a tightly knotted school tie (“It’s important to maintain standards, even during natural disasters,” she noted), was one of several Rangi students spotted navigating their way to school this morning via family watercraft.

“My friend India texted and said she was taking their family’s inflatable yacht because the kayak was ‘too pedestrian,’” Ruby explained, rolling her eyes. “Like, imagine turning up in a kayak. People talk.” she said in disgust.

At the time of reporting, the Christchurch City Council continued to advise residents to stay home unless travel was essential. However, sources close to Rangi Ruru confirm that today’s Year 11 Latin test was deemed “absolutely essential,” even if students had to arrive by naval convoy.

More to come. 

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SELWYN’S SAVIOUR 

Flood-stricken residents in Canterbury were given a morale boost today as the unmistakable shape of the Aratere ferry powered its way through flood waters.

The recently retired Interislander ferry was seen slicing through knee-deep flooding, captained by none other than Deputy Prime Minister Winston Peters.

“This government talks a lot about resilience,” Winston bellowed from the captain’s deck,   “So I said to Christopher [Luxon], ‘If the streets are rivers, then by god we need a boat,’” he said, chucking down sandbags and lifebuoys to locals.

The ferry was reactivated by Peters as part of what he described as a “hands-on” coalition-led emergency response to the flooding in Christchurch, which is now in a state of emergency

Selwyn resident Jason Harte, 46, stood knee-deep in water and stared in disbelief.

“I thought the rain had made me hallucinate. But no — there he was. Winston Peters, yelling at ducks to get out of the way and driving a bloody Cook Strait ferry through our suburb,” Harte said.

Another onlooker, 28-year-old   Sophie Lambert, was less concerned about the emergency and more impressed by the drama.

“Honestly, I’d never seen a ferry through Selwyn,  or a politician do anything useful in gumboots. Winton’s come down and done a better job than our council.” she said, packing a sandbag Peters threw down to her.

While some questioned the legality and safety of the operation, Peters remained defiant.

“Just because the ship’s past her prime doesn’t mean she can’t serve the country,” he barked from the upper deck, throwing sandbags down to the locals in Selwyn.

“And if you absolute dunces in the legacy media were doing your jobs properly, then you’d already know that!”

More to come. 

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