DECEPTION

A local woman has once again stretched the definition of “on my way” after sending a suspiciously optimistic text last Sunday morning.

28-year-old marketing advisor Kylie Durham confidently sent an “I’m on my way” text at 10:15am, while very much still towel-drying herself in the bathroom.

The message was sent in relation to a planned 10 o’clock brunch with friend Lauren at Enigma Café on Wellington’s Courtenay Place. This was a booking that Kylie had been “super excited about all week,” according to text messages sent the day before.

When asked to explain her actions, Durham was unapologetic.

“I just didn’t want to stress her out,” she said, casually brushing aside the small matter of blatantly lying to someone via text.

“I was technically on my way. Like, mentally. My body just hadn’t caught up yet.”

Flatmate eyewitnesses confirmed that at the time the text was sent, Kylie was still in a damp towel, halfway through a skincare routine, with no pants in sight.

Friend Lauren, who arrived at Enigma at 10:02am, says she knew the truth as soon as the message came through.

“She’s always ‘on her way’ when she hasn’t even left the house yet,” said Lauren, calmly sipping a flat white.

“It’s fine, I just factor in a 20-minute Kylie Buffer now. She’s like a human version of Wellington’s buses, never on time.”

Durham eventually arrived at 10:47am, blaming “buses and stuff” and then immediately launched into a passionate speech about how Enigma does the best smashed avo in Wellington.

At press time, Durham had already sent a similar “Just parking now” message for an unrelated 7pm dinner, while still at her home residence.

More to come.

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CREDIT REBUILD

Adam Dwyer’s humsble Friday knock-off beer has ended in full-blown relationship damage control.

The 29-year-old local sparky from Nelson had confidently told his girlfriend Tegan Ford he’d “just be having one” with the boys after work Friday, then would make his way to hers — a promise now as empty as the dozen beer jugs he helped polish off.

Dwyer’s downfall began with a simple “Ah well, might as well have one more, ay.” he said to his co-workers, which is where things escalated rapidly.

His girlfriend Tegan, who had only heard from Adam via text, spoke to our reporters.

“He said he’d meet me for dinner at 7 last night” said a fuming Tegan Ford, sitting alone at her flat.

“At 8:30 he said ‘five mins away’ and then I didn’t hear from him again until 10:52am this morning, when I got a text saying ‘soz babe got carried away il make it up to u’. So romantic. Ugh, why am I with this tool?”

Adam, however, remained upbeat about the situation.

“Yeah nah it just escalated a bit aye,” he said from his mate Cam’s couch, where he woke up still wearing his hi-vis vest.

 “Nothing wrong with working hard all week and having a few with the lads after work. Can’t she see that’s perfectly normal? Man, she just needs to chill out.”

Tegan then told our reporters she had ignored his peace offering of brunch.

More to come. 

The post Tradie’s “One” Friday  Arvo Beer Turns Into Saturday Morning Apology Text To Girlfriend appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FURY QUEEN

Sarah Prescott is one woman to be avoided today.

The 29-year-old Aucklander is in a deeply foul mood because her boyfriend Shaun Ellis, 30, went out and enjoyed himself with friends, while she remained at home.

Despite Sarah encouraging Shaun to go out and enjoy himself for once with his friends, Sarah has woken up on Sunday generally annoyed that he had done so.  

“It’s like I was supposed to just let him go have a blast, while I was stuck pretending to enjoy a second-hand life from my couch,” said Sarah, who was also invited to the drinks event on the Viaduct.

Shaun meanwhile seems to be perplexed by the situation. 

“She told me to go out. I thought that’s what she wanted. I got home at just past 1 am as well” he said, deeply confused about why Sarah was in such a filthy mood.

“Yeah, well, clearly I wanted him to go out and have just a little fun,” Sarah snapped, now pacing the living room. “But not so much fun that I wake up and feel like I’m the one missing out!” she remarked, still fuming that her boyfriend could actually just go out and enjoy himself without her company.

As our reporters exited their flat Sarah’s mood had not lightened, and she spent most of the afternoon staring at Shaun’s social media posts in disbelief, each picture of his night out pushing her into an even deeper state of “fun-induced” jealousy.

More to come. 

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The post Girlfriend Enters Foul Mood Phase After Boyfriend Has Unacceptable Amount Of Fun With Mates On Night Out appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ALL FOR THE GRAM

Sam Ellison thought he had the perfect summer getaway planned when he travelled up north to the Coromandel. 

Escaping his high-pressure job in Wellington with girlfriend, Tess Young, 26, he had the promise of peaceful afternoons soaking in the sun at the world-renowned Cathedral Cove.

“All I wanted was to lie on the beach, maybe read a book, enjoy the sun,” Sam said, staring into the middle distance, where the ocean waves once lapped peacefully. “But Tess had other ideas.”

“She asked me to just take a quick photo. But after I took the quick initial 10, she looked at all of them in detail. Clearly unhappy with every single one of them, she asked me to take more. She literally looked exactly the same in each photo.” 

“I swear to God, I’ve taken 30 photos of her just sitting, holding her hat, smiling into the sun—all the same,” Sam said, his voice beginning to break under the pressure. “It’s like she’s trying to illustrate her entire personality in one Instagram post.”

As they neared the 200th photo of Tess posing in the same position, she eventually came over to scroll through all the photos taken in what was a painful photography session for Sam.

“Hmm, I think I might just go with the first one you took at the start. Nice job camera boy.”  

More to come. 

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The post Bloke’s Relaxing Beach Trip To Cathedral Cove Turns Into Grueling 200-Photo Shoot For Girlfriend’s Instagram appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SENT HIM PACKING

Spencer Lyon has felt more shame today than anything else he has experienced in club cricket.

The 31 year-old from Nelson, found himself clean bowled by none other than his girlfriend, Millie Dunn, during an innocent game of beach cricket at Tahuna Beach. Making matters worse, it was a delivery that even the most casual of beachgoers could have played.

After getting laughed at by his group of former highschool friends and having to reluctantly accept he’d just been clean bowled by the most simple deliveries. Spencer spoke to our reporters.

“Look, anyone who’s played cricket knows that sand is bloody hard to play, it’s just too unpredictable for serious play,” said Lyon, still trying to make excuses for why he had had his stumps rattled.

Millie meanwhile downplayed the situation. 

“I honestly didn’t even know what I was doing haha. When everyone started cheering and I saw the wickets out of the ground, I knew I must have done something right. Does that mean I’m winning?” asked Millie, slowly becoming familiar with the sport she takes minimal interest in.

Spencer, still visibly ashamed, continued to make excuses and went on the defensive.

 “If we were playing on a proper wicket, with a real bowler, it would have been a different story. Why don’t we go down to the nets and see how she goes against me then?”

More to come. 

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INSTAFLIRT

Hannah Luff, 25, was determined to showcase her walk up Mount Maunganui to her family and friends, but especially one person in particular.

After coming up from Wellington for the Christmas and holiday break in Tauranga, Luff set off with a couple of her friends to walk up the iconic mountain.

“I thought, why not combine fitness and flirtation?” Luff said, forcing her friend to snap yet another shot in her perfectly curated hiking outfit, which was basically just gym gear.

As Hannah reached the top of the summit and after asking her friends multiple times if they liked a specific photo of her posing, she rolled with the caption “Just a casual hike” then fired it off to her 1672 follower, hoping Chad would see it and maybe interact with it.

After a couple of hours when Hannah and her friends had come down from their hike, her Insta-stress kicked in.

“Okay, it’s been two hours, and Chad still hasn’t seen it. I’m, like, so confused,” Hannah said, scrolling through her feed anxiously. She checked and rechecked her notifications. Nothing. 

Not even a like. “Maybe he’s just busy… or, like, too cool to comment,” she mumbled, staring at her phone in disbelief.

Then, in the middle of her Insta-stress, Hannah noticed something—Chad had posted a story. She clicked on it eagerly, only to see a photo of him in full hunting gear with the caption, “Going hunting for four days, won’t have any reception.”

More to come. 

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“JAKE! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU CALL THIS?”

Danielle Timmins’ blood was boiling this evening.

After a hectic day at the pre-school she works at, the 29 year old came home early to make dinner for herself and her current boyfriend of two years, Jake Coombes.

Coombes returned home from his scaffolding job and gave thanks to his partner for the delicious chicken parmigiana she had made.

After scoffing down the meal while brainlessly watching TikToks his mates had sent him, he then chucked his very dirty plate in the dishwasher, which was full of sparkling clean dishes. Coombes still failed to register that emptying the dishwasher was a task he was meant to do last night. 

Our reporters were inside the couple’s kitchen watching the drama unfold.

“Are you kidding me, Jake?” Danielle reportedly exclaimed, her voice sharp enough to slice through the TikTok audio still playing on his phone. “Do you ever stop to think about what you’re doing?”

“What?” Jake asked, disinterested in his girlfriend’s fury.

“Do you think this plate goes in here? It needs emptying! Ugh. Seriously, I give up on you.”

“Babe, you’re overreacting. It’s not like I put the plate in upside down. Just chill.”

Danielle declined to comment further, storming off to her room, clearly fed up with the day.

More to come. 

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GIRL MATH

Matt Tate, 29, has once again told a white lie to his girlfriend Emily.

That’s after he proceeded to go  with the infamous “be home soon” text, despite his partner  knowing full well that his after-work “wind-down” routine likely means he’ll return well after the dinner she’s already given up cooking.

“It’s like clockwork. He finishes at 3:30, messages ‘be home soon’ from the pub at 4, and rolls in sometime after 7. The ‘soon’ part is strictly for show,” Emily sighed, scrolling through her saved messages from Matt, many with timestamps well beyond what could even charitably be called “soon.”

“If he’s not spending $20 to ‘give the pokies a nudge,’ he’s getting roped into rounds of jugs with his co-workers Dave and Levi, who I’ve never met and don’t want to.

Matt had a different take on his loyal girlfriend’s thoughts.

“I reckon time just flies when you’re getting a jug in and catching up with the boys,” he explained, chuckling as he added,

 “Emily’s too stressed. She should come down here with us one time and just relax – that’d sort her out, wouldn’t it? It would be good for her to meet Dave and Levi!”

More to come. 
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The post Girlfriend Knows She Won’t Be Seeing Boyfriend Until Three Hours After ‘Be Home Soon’ Text appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

EARLY EXIT 

Third-division cricketer Mitchell Sinclair, 31, found himself in an all-too-familiar situation on Saturday at Hagley Oval.

The 10 year veteran of grade cricket has once again had to tell his girlfriend to not actually bother coming to the game he wanted her to watch after talking about it all week. 

His girlfriend, Clara, who had generously set aside her free afternoon to watch him play, was only halfway to the ground when her phone buzzed with the “Might as well turn back.” message.

Sinclair’s side had been sent into bat, but was clean bowled on the third ball of the innings, meaning at the time of 12:03pm, he was back trudging off the field and heading back into the shade with his teammates.

“I told her this week would be different. I was feeling good, the conditions were perfect…and then, boom, middle stump gone,” he recounted, a sentence which is sounding eerily familiar to previous weeks.

When our reporters asked if Clara would come to next week’s game, Clara was hesitant. “I mean, I love him, but it’s hard to justify a 30-minute drive when I know there’s a strong chance I’ll just be watching him sulk on the sidelines with his teammates, making excuses about why he got out. I probably should just bring a book.”

More to come. 

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