TOTE TRAUMA

Shane Walters has once again readied himself for his favourite day of the year, the Melbourne Cup. Otherwise known as “the day he professionally humiliates himself for sport.”

Having lost money on the last decade of Melbourne Cup races, Walters insists “this is the one” .

“Every year I tell myself I’ll bet responsibly,” said the 34-year-old data analyst, ironing his colourful shirt he’ll wear to his office tomorrow. “Then I put $50 on a horse because I like its name and proceed to watch my hopes die before the first turn. Some years my horses have literally died during the race.”

Despite always betting well outside his budget, and his long history of “strategic misfortune,” Walters remains confident. “I’m only trying to get one horse to win, or at least place. There’s only 24 horses in the Melbourne Cup, it’s not like I’m trying to pick the winning Lotto numbers!’ Walters explained.

Colleagues say Shane generally takes the annual defeat in good humour   “He spends the whole day pretending he understands form guides,” said co-worker Greg Hunt. “By 5:10pm he’s swearing at the TV, and by 5:20pm he’s rechecking that his horse which finished dead last hasn’t somehow managed to place.

Walters’ partner, Amy, confirmed the cycle. “He comes home broke, full of excuses and every year he says ‘never again’, but every year he’s back at it. It’s honestly impressive how consistent his bad luck is.”

Still, Walters refuses to give up. “Someone’s gotta lose so the bookies can eat,”

More to come. 

The post Local Punter Gears Up for Annual Tradition of Losing Money On Melbourne Cup Day appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FULLY SENDING IT

Christchurch woman Loren Ashley, 26, appeared the picture of elegance in her latest Instagram post, posing at the Riccarton Races in a stunning dress, matching fascinator, and meticulously applied makeup.

With the simplistic caption “Giddy up!” with a horse emoji, the happy go-lucky go-getter’s photo taken at Riccarton Racecourse was met with a cascade of praise from friends and family.

“Stunning!”

“Queen! So gorgeous!”

“Slay!” 

But while Loren’s photo oozed sophistication, it failed to tell the full story, which was that Loren had already polished off three champagnes before 8:00am.

When asked about her early start, Loren didn’t mince words. “Look, it’s the Riccarton Races,” she said with a laugh. “If you’re not sipping bubbles by sunrise, are you even doing it right?”

“You can’t show up to the races without a solid base—and by base, I mean three to four glasses of Prosecco,” Loren concluded before going off and shouting “woo” with the friends she was attending the races with.

Loren’s male acquaintances opted not to comment publicly on her photo, and instead introduced themselves privately in her direct messages.

More to come. 

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The post RICCARTON RACES: Woman’s Flawless Race Day Pic Doesn’t Capture The Fact She Was Quietly Steamed At 8:11am appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

COMING IN HOT

Mid morning on a Tuesday isn’t usually the time when you’d expect nearly 20,000 people to be six to eight standard drinks deep.

But that’s likely to be happening at Christchurch’s Addington Raceway tomorrow for The New Zealand Trotting Cup, the biggest day on NZ’s racing calendar. 

By 11:00am, Addington Raceway will have greeted a steady flow of comfortably steamed young race goers, who all would have put back enough to keep them going for a few hours before being forced to buy a drink from the race day hospitality staff.

No one is more excited than 22 year-old Harry Richardson.

“Gee can’t wait eh! I’ve just been down to Tarocash to grab a fresh shirt and hopefully this blazer will fit me fine?” Richardson said, who forked out on a $70 shirt but picked up a cheap blazer from an op shop.

“I’ll probably have a beer or two in the shower to warm up with, then roll around to a mate’s about 8:30 to start some serious drinking,” said Mr Richardson, who was overly excited about the prospect of consuming alcohol in the morning.

Mille Youngson, 21, is also jacked up for the big day, which will be her first time at the Cup.

“Oh my god it’ll be so much fun. I’m getting my hair done early in the morning and I’ll have a few champagnes with that. I’ll make sure I’ve got enough in me before getting in there. Can’t wait to see the horses with my squad!’ Youngson said with excitement, unaware she’ll likely not see a single race and be carrying her heels late in the day.

When our reporters quizzed Richardson on whether he could actually tie a windsor knot, he was preoccupied with the more important stuff.

“Sorry guys, I better put all the Lindauer bottles in the fridge. Can’t wait to pop these tomorrow morning!”

More to come.

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The post NZ CUP DAY: Christchurch Race Goers Look Forward To Being Comfortably Steamed At 10:37 AM appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

OH GO ON…

Smug millennial Ruby Wareing is likely never going to know what it is like to have a full head of steam before 10 am on the second Tuesday of November. But now she has been strongly urged to at least consider it.

Wareing, who resides in Wellington’s Aro Valley, has spent the last week showcasing her disgust at the racing industry on her social media platforms.

But in a bid to change her mind, our reporters humbly asked Wareing if she could try to take a step back and accept that lots of people actually enjoy the glitz and glamour of NZ Cup Week.

“So you’re saying people actually enjoy getting shitfaced, throwing away their money, and supporting animal cruelty?” Wareing responded, with her response again sounding like something she’s previously Tweeted.

When our reporters explained that many people do in fact like a punt and a few beers over breakfast on Cup Day, Wareing appeared to let her guard down momentarily.

“Right. So a champagne or two with some food and a few dollars on a race? Is that all people do? I find that hard to believe,” Wareing sneered, now actively denying the reality that the things she’s been condemning are relatively harmless and pretty normal.

“What about the horses? You’re basically telling me they like being chained up, whipped, and held against their will. I don’t support animal cruelty,” said Wareing, striking back with authority, despite the fact she likes tying people up and doing a bit of whipping herself.

Our reporters explained that the horses are extremely well cared for by multiple trainers and owners who spend thousands each year on their welfare. Wareing then appeared visibly enraged that she had been provided evidence that the NZ Cup is a fun and normal event for thousands.

“Okay I’ve heard enough. The racing industry is evil and immoral and that’s that, okay? You can’t fool me with all your facts and evidence. See you later losers, do better.”

More to come.

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The post CUP WEEK: Anti Racing Activist Urged To Consider The Joy Of A Champagne Brekky And Day On The Punt appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

YUP TO THE CUP 

Wellington woman Rosie Neilson, 26, experienced a miraculous ethical transformation this afternoon.

The part time virtue signaller had spent the morning on social media, posting a series of impassioned tweets about today’s Melbourne Cup, with the hashtag #NupToTheCup, to people in her echo chamber.

“Money over morals! Showcasing extreme drunkenness, gambling and animal cruelty just for entertainment?” one Tweet read, quickly followed by “Do people think it’s okay to drink irresponsibly and glamourise the abuse of animals? Do better. #NupToTheCup ”

However soon after 5 pm, the Aro Valley resident changed her tune after learning her boyfriend Kade landed the boxed trifecta, instantly pocketing a few thousand dollars. Knight’s Choice won the great race, meaning she would benefit directly from the exact event she had been against.

“Look, I still care about animal welfare, alright? But this is basically life-changing money,” said Neilson as she excitedly scrolled through Airbnbs in Bali. 

“It’s not like they can undo the race now, anyway,” she concluded, also liking her boyfriend’s post on Facebook celebrating their monetary gain from gambling.

More to come. 

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