SILVER LININGS

Times are tough and people are hurting, but some fortunate Wellingtonians are looking on the bright side this morning. 

Commuter John Jones says he’s noticed a much easier to drive into the CBD, attributing the win to ‘widespread job cuts’. Jones’ comments have naturally caused much anger online. 

“Sad for the people who have lost their jobs in the public service, but gee it makes the traffic flow better,” he said in a now viral Facebook post. 

Liam Carson, a 30 year old former public servant, took Jones’ comments as a personal attack. 

“Wow dude, so people are losing their jobs and you’re celebrating less traffic. Is this really where we are as a country now?” he typed into Facebook instead of applying for jobs. 

Jones chose not to reply online, but talked to reporters about how his post is being received. 

“Hey I said it was sad for people. But did you see how empty the motorway was this morning? Just saying that it’s not all bad. 

“Great for people going to job interviews too, right?” he asked hopefully. 

Pamela Hughes, a former data analyst for the Ministry of Health, is more upbeat about her sacking. 

“I’ve hated my job for years so this is just the kick up the bum I needed,” she said while studying a web page about small business. 

“I’ve got an exciting opportunity for a part time role I can have while I get my own business started. Meeting with a recruiter in town today, so I’m looking forward to the easy drive in.”

More to come. 

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The post Wellington Commuters Enjoying Reduced Congestion Due To Less Jobs To Get To appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ROAD TO RUIN

The brains trust at TVNZ have once again made the opposite of a good decision.

The much-loved Anna Burns-Francis and Hayley Holt are among the latest casualties in the state broadcaster’s ongoing quest to save $30m in revenue. They are set to bid farewell to their roles on Breakfast and the sports news respectively. Officially, the duo “chose to leave.” But anyone with a functioning sense of reality can see through this.

TVNZ have once again decided to get rid of likeable familiar faces in an attempt to keep people watching their platform. The network’s executives apparently believe that stripping down the talent roster is exactly what will attract more eyeballs to the struggling outlet.

An unnamed executive spoke to the Whakataki Times reporters this afternoon.

“We’ve been looking at the data, and it’s clear that the more familiar faces we get rid of, the more people will flock to their TV screens. Who cares about viewers getting attached to talented, relatable hosts?”

“You know, Anna and Hayley have been good at their jobs for years, and frankly, that’s the problem. People feel too comfortable with them. We need more unpredictability. Get rid of the faces they love, and they’ll have no choice but to watch… just to see who’s next.”

While the rest of the industry is exploring new avenues to engage with audiences, TVNZ’s executives have decided that the secret is to fire their way to popularity.

More to come. 

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MANIFEST 30 MILLI

TVNZ announced their bold new strategy to get them out of financial ruin this afternoon – appointing degenerate gambler Tim Naki as the new Head of Investments. 

CEO Jodi O’Donnell, who has been losing more money than the hapless punters at SkyCity Casino (conveniently located next to its Auckland headquarters), has called on Naki to try to get the state broadcaster back in the black with $30m in savings.

“Tim has a proven track record of risk management,” O’Donnell said, speaking to disillusioned and disengaged staff today. 

“Look, I haven’t exactly had many decent ideas to boost revenue myself,” she candidly admitted, while coming to a realisation that proposing to eliminate the 1News website in the digital age might not be the brightest idea.

O’Donnell was optimistic about Naki’s potential. “If Tim can manifest a million from blackjack, then $30 million—or even half of that—would help us greatly,” she said, clearly banking on Naki’s ability to pull off another miracle.

Naki could not be reached for comment as he was busy warming up with a two hour pokie session at a nearby gaming lounge. 

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post LAST ROLL OF THE DICE: TVNZ Welcomes Tim Naki As Head Of Investments appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

COST CUTTING

After a tense 1 o’clock all staff meeting today, employees at TVNZ were somewhat relieved to survive another day at the struggling station. 

While many expected to hear of proposed job cuts, what they heard instead was that their office instant coffee brand was being downgraded to save money. 

The already affordable Gregg’s “Original Blend Red Ribbon Roast” has officially been struck from the office supplies order sheet, replaced with a Pams alternative from Pak n Save. 

It would appear that this change perhaps would not be enough to fill TVNZ’s $30m fiscal hole, despite Pams being one dollar cheaper than Gregg’s per 100g. 

The morning beverage reshuffle was part of a suite of changes announced, including a call for staff to make their own savings proposals, and the complete shutdown of the 1News website. 

TVNZ Web admin Sarah Fuller believes winding up the website that she spends all her time on could somehow be a good thing for her in the long run. 

“They’ve got plans to expand the TVNZ + app so I’ll definitely be moving over to that team. I’ve got lots of ideas for that, so it’s quite exciting,” she said naively. 

“It’s a shame about the coffee though.”

Dave Adler from the ad sales team took time out from scrolling Trademe Jobs to speak to reporters. 

“I think I’ve got very transferrable skills, with my strengths being in sales. Believe it or not, I’ve been selling ad space to businesses on a website no one even visits,” he said, referencing the soon to be gone 1News.co.nz. 

“It would probably be easier to sell ice to eskimos!”

TVNZ’s Wellington office would not comment on how the switch to Pam’s Cafe Roast would impact the Wellington hospitality industry. 

More to come. 

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WHAT COST OF LIVING CRISIS? 

Logan Durran, a 29 year old customer service operator from New Plymouth, is a regular user of TVNZ+, a free streaming app he uses for light entertainment.

Previously Mr Durran has been a paying customer of both Netflix and Amazon Prime, but has had to cut both of these from his budget due to the rising cost of everything. 

But now with the news that TVNZ is going to set up their own subscription service, it seems he and his partner Ruby will need to cut back on a few essential items so they can continue receiving their exceptionally high quality content. 

Durran was doing his supermarket shop at Pak n Save when he spoke to reporters.

“Yeah it’s a bit annoying but I suppose I can cut down on the amount of meat I buy each week. Just got to do what we can to keep getting our TVNZ. Wouldn’t want to miss out on all the really great shows that are all better than Netflix and Amazon,” he said as he winced at the price of blade steak this week. 

“Maybe I’ll see if Ruby will be okay with turning off the heat pump and just layering up with blankets instead. Perhaps every second shower could be a cold one.”

As he grabbed two bottles of budget 2L milk, he spoke about the wider problem he and his partner face when it comes to being entertained in the evenings. 

“The big problem here is there’s simply no way of getting free TV from the internet. TVNZ was the one and only option. We’re left with no other choice,” said Mr Durran as he made his way to the cheese section. 

The shopper noted that the price of a kilo of Colby at Pak n Save had remained steady at nine dollars, but said that wouldn’t be enough to keep the TVNZ running. 

“Sometimes you just need to sacrifice and focus on the essentials.”

More to come. 

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