MALL OF THE DEAD 

Outgoing Wellington Mayor Tory Whanau has promised to tackle one of the capital’s most neglected crises before she steps down as Mayor later this year— the zombie infestation of the Johnsonville Shopping Centre.

“Before I go, I need to fix the zombie problem here. It’s gotten out of hand,” said Whanau, gesturing toward a shadowy part of the foodcourt as tumbleweed rolled past an empty Subway kiosk. “The people of Wellington deserve better. And by people, I mean any living humans still willing to enter this mall and come out alive.”

Whanau today announced she would not be seeking a second term as mayor, but would hopefully leave the community in Johnsonville less frightened of stepping anywhere near their shopping centre.

“Look, it’s important we restore hope — and possibly human life — to this site,” said Whanau. “When you walk in there right now, it feels like you’re about to get bitten by a reanimated corpse hiding in a retail store that’s been abandoned since 2009.”

“The atmosphere in there is chilling,” said local shopper Denise Kirkwood, who visited the mall last week to get her phone screen repaired. “I swear one of the mannequins blinked at me. Either that or it was a former Glassons employee who’s been trapped there for a decade.”

“You walk in there and you’re always met with cold air, flickering lights, and a sense that something — or someone — is watching you from the old DVD store. Hopefully Tory can sort this before she steps down.” 

Whanau is expected to officially bow out of the mayoral race later this year, ideally after a few zombies have been rehomed.

More to come. 

The post BEFORE I GO: Tory Whanau Promises To Address Zombie Outbreak At Johnsonville Mall appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CONSUMER SACRIFICE

In an unprecedented move to boost morale, foot traffic, and basic human presence, shoppers who physically step inside Wellington’s long-suffering Johnsonville Mall are now being presented $20 gift card vouchers.

The move to compensate anyone who sets foot inside Johnsonville’s Mall comes as various development proposals to make the mall more enjoyable were eventually abandoned — much like the mall itself.

29-year-old Holly Fowler was among the first to brave the journey to the Johnsonville Mall and spoke to our reporters. 

“The gift card made it all worth it as it felt like walking into the forgotten wing of a hospital. There’s an old EB Games sign still hanging up, but nothing behind it except a stack of abandoned shelving and a lone folding chair. Quite the haunting experience, but a $20 gift card will surely go to good use in this mall,” Fowler said, looking for some sort of functioning shop to use it in.

Mall spokesperson Trudy Meyers was optimistic today after the gift card’s rollout.

“We just want people to remember Johnsonville Mall exists,” said Meyers, clutching a laminated copy of the 2006 expansion plans. “Even if they only come for a voucher and leave immediately after, that’s fine. At least there is a record of physical attendance.”

Our reporters then caught back up to Holly who was one of a few people inside the mall at the time of interview.

“I walked past the one remaining café, which had a staff member just sitting there staring at the floor. Then I accidentally made eye contact with the man at the jewellery repair kiosk. I panicked and pretended I was on a call.”

As our interview concluded we were told a  small ceremony is planned for later this month to honour the first 100 shoppers to complete the full lap of the mall without turning back.

More to come. 

The post Wellington Shoppers Rewarded With Gift Vouchers For Setting Foot In Johnsonville Mall appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

GLIMMERING RUINS

Wellington’s Johnsonville Mall has been rewarded at the Oscars this year for being hauntingly similar to a society in collapse.

The mall  was used as the main set for the Hollywood blockbuster Desolate Earth, starring Chris Pratt, and the production crew won the Oscar for Best Production Design.

The long-neglected shopping centre was praised by critics and filmmakers alike for its eerie, desolate atmosphere, which required absolutely no modification for the film.

Speaking exclusively to The Whakataki Times on the red carpet, Chris Pratt reflected on his time filming in Johnsonville.

“I asked for a chair between takes, and they said, ‘Yeah, good luck finding one that isn’t bolted to the floor in the food court,’” Pratt said. “It really helped me get into character. You can feel the despair in the air.”

“I thought, ‘Okay, props to the set designers, this looks exactly like a store that shut down 15 years ago.’ Then I realised—it was a store that shut down 15 years ago.” Pratt said, still shaken from his experience in Johnsonville.

The win caused some controversy however, with films that missed out claiming that it’s not really set design if the location already looks like the ruins of a fallen civilisation. 

The Academy however praised the mall for its “sheer lifelessness,” highlighting the flickering fluorescent lights, the broken escalator permanently stuck between floors, and the distant hum of a vending machine no one has used in years.

Meanwhile, Johnsonville Mall’s management has expressed their gratitude for the recognition but clarified that there was no prize money and there will be no renovations.

More to come. 

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The post Desolate Earth Wins ‘Best Set Design’ For Post Apocalyptic Wasteland At Johnsonville Mall appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

AUTHENTICITY 

Hollywood film producers have just revealed the highly anticipated location for the upcoming apocalyptic blockbuster Desolate Earth.

Key scenes for the movie, starring action star Chris Pratt, will be filmed at the Johnsonville Shopping Centre In Wellington, with those working on the movie describing it as “perfectly lifeless”.

A producer from Hollywood spoke to the Whakataki Times about why the desolate mall in Johnsonville is the perfect set for filming.

“It’s got everything—empty stores, flickering lights, and an eerie silence broken only by the occasional drip from a leaking roof. We couldn’t replicate this kind of authenticity on a sound stage.

“Decades of stalled renovations on this mall have created an environment where you could be forgiven for thinking the world actually had come to an end. You can almost hear the echoes of humanity’s downfall walking through the food court” said one line producer.

Over the years, development promises for the mall have all ultimately come to nothing and nearly half of the shops are closed. Locals remain frustrated at the mall’s continuous decline, but the movie producers can’t wait to start filming.

“We were going to build a deserted shopping complex from scratch until someone googled ‘bleak malls’ and this mall in Wellington New Zealand popped up straight away.”

Mayor Tory Whanau has also reportedly given producers the green light to film a handful of scenes in Wellington’s CBD on Lambton Quay as well.

More to come. 

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The post Johnsonville Mall Selected As Filming Location For New Post-Apocalyptic Thriller appeared first on The Whakataki Times.