NO, YOU RELAX!

After an “animated discussion” turned handsy, National MP Andrew Bayly is now pivoting into a new venture. His new Wellington-based business, Angry Massage Co, is a bespoke wellness service that promises to “work out your knots with a personal touch of anger.”  

Bayly stepped down on Monday after admitting to placing a hand on a staffer’s upper arm during an “inappropriate” exchange, but insists this is all part of his rebrand.

“Look, I’ve got strong hands and stronger opinions,” Bayly told a gaggle of bewildered reporters outside his new pop-up massage tent. “Why waste that energy in Parliament when I can knead it into your shoulders instead? It’s therapeutic—for me, at least.”  

The Angry Massage menu offers treatments like the “Coalition Crank” (a 30-minute rant about red tape while Bayly digs into your traps) and the “Taxpayer’s Tantrum” (a full-body pummeling paired with unsolicited economic advice).

Clients can also upgrade to the “Staffer Special,” where Bayly looms shoulder-to-shoulder, muttering about deadlines, before delivering a brisk upper-arm squeeze—no extra charge. “It’s all in good fun,” he winked, “until someone files a complaint.”  

Local reaction is mixed. Wellington florist Tina Meadows booked a session, hoping to relieve her sciatica. 

“He yelled about KiwiSaver reforms for 20 minutes and nearly dislocated my elbow,” she said, wincing. “But I’ll be damned if my back’s ever felt better.”

Bayly’s exit from Cabinet follows a string of gaffes—telling a worker to “f*** off” last year, now this—so the pivot to Angry Massage Co. feels oddly on-brand.

“It’s not a demotion; it’s a promotion to the private sector,” he boasted, flexing his fingers like a seasoned pro.

As pre-bookings flood in, Bayly’s already eyeing expansion. “Next stop: group sessions at Parliament,” he mused, cracking his knuckles. “Those MPs could use a good working-over.” For now, Angry Massage Co. is open for business—just don’t ask for a happy ending.  

More to come. 

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