HASHTAG WINNING

An unprecedented coup d’etat took place in Masterton this afternoon, with Alex Wilcox and her team of 30-somethings taking out first place at the weekly Pub Quiz. 

The so-called ‘Underdogs’ came from behind to knock out reigning champions, ‘Norfolk and Chance’, in a “Classic Hits” round that could only be described as a clean sweep for Wilcox and her team of trivia newcomers.

Elated by the win, Wilcox described how her elder millennial team mates thrust ahead to seize victory from their Boomer opponents:

“Almost the whole round was about Mumford & Sons, we could hardly believe it. The crusty old boys at the table next to us thought the whole round was about some kind of shoe brand.”

Wilcox admitted that she and her teammates were not expecting to ride to victory on the back of ‘Little Lion Man’ simply because the name of the round implied content far beyond the Underdogs’ living memory.

“We thought, you know, ‘Classic Hits’ it might be songs from old bands the Gee Bees or Salt, Wind and Fire. But it was all like new music that we listen to.”

The clincher, Wilcox said, was when players had to guess the name of Florence and the Machine’s ‘Dog Days are Over’ just from hearing the first ten seconds of the song.

“We knew we had it. We were literally playing it on the ride over to the pub, just re-living the time we all went to Laneway not that long ago.”

Asked why she thought these tracks might appear in the ‘Classic Hits’ quiz round, Wilcox could only speculate. 

“I guess they’re classic, like, just timeless bangers. Like even though these are just fresh tunes, they’re just gonna be classics even when we’re like, old and sad like the Boomers LOL.”

An Instagram post published after the quiz memorialises the Underdogs’ victory, declaring that they “Did a thing ”

More to come.

The post Local Millenial’s Quiz Team Tops the Table After Actually Knowing The Songs From The Music Round appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SUBTLE TROLLING

30-year-old Ruby Galbraith this morning sauntered into her central Christchurch office and casually asked her colleagues, Nic and Gaz, “So, you guys looking forward to the big… sportsball game tonight?”

The incident occurred near the office’s communal espresso machine, moments after Ruby returned from her 11am kombucha break.

Nic Rawiri (33) and Gareth “Gaz” Patterson (35) were stunned into silence for a moment before realising Ruby was referring to tonight’s Super Rugby Pacific semi-final between the Crusaders and the Blues, a fixture they had been discussing in detail only moments prior — complete with forwards analysis, injury updates, and a spirited debate on whether Scott Barrett had peaked in 2022.

“She bloody well knows it’s a semi-final and the magnitude of it. It’s the Crusaders versus the Blues. In Christchurch. Tonight. Knockout footy. It couldn’t be more important,” said Gaz, his voice rising in volume.

Despite her passive-aggressive disinterest, Ruby claimed she did understand the gravity of the match.

“Oh yeah, I totally get that it’s a big deal. What is it—like the semi-regional finals? The Pacific Super Cup? Honestly, I hope everyone has fun running around and doing their little scrums.”

When pressed if Ruby was going to watch tonight’s game, Ruby smiled contently.

“Oh no, I’ve got a gig tonight,” she said, visibly delighted by the reaction. “It’s a genderfluid jungle-folk trio from Sweden”. 

More to come. 

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BACK IN MY DAY

35 year old father of two, Oliver Barnes almost spat his coffee this morning, after finding out that ‘Pokemon’, one of his childhood favourites, has been ‘degraded and cheapened to an alarming degree’.

The operations analyst from Hamilton noticed that his 5 year old Matthew had lately been showing interest in the popular cartoon franchise. Mr Barnes said he was pleasantly surprised to find out that the show was still going.

“My first thought was ‘Awesome! Something that Matthew and I can bond over’. I’ll be able to share the knowledge I’ve had stored away in the back of my mind for all these years.

“But when I did a quick google search, I found out that there are over a thousand Pokemon now! What was wrong with just having 150? That’s enough isn’t it? Far out, I switched off when they introduced the bloody “Johto League” and the first wave of a hundred new weird pokemon no one ever asked for,” he explained dismissively as if he had a bad taste in his mouth. 

Barnes went on to describe the absolute travesty of Pokemon inflation in 2025.

“This is possibly overthinking things, but your heart has to go out to poor old Ash Ketchem. Starts out his career thinking he’ll be a Pokemon master by catching 150 different pokemon. Now he’s looking at 1000 plus??

“I’ll tell you what this is. It’s lazy writing. Surely they could have come up with some new plot points without farting out 800 new characters?

“It’s a bloody disgrace.”

More to come. 

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URGH SPORTSBALL

With the Rugby vs Cricket T20 match just around the corner, social activist Ruby Galbraith is calling on people within her echo chamber to get annoyed about it.

The annual sporting event that pits current and former professional rugby players against very retired cricketers is no stranger to controversy. The Alternative Commentary Collective (the ACC) tends to cop the brunt of public anger, mostly from the 60+ demographic. 

While most sports fans born in the post war baby boom can see the commentary for what it is, there are a few who absolutely hate it. They believe sport must be taken completely seriously at all times, especially cricket, and there is no room for “clowns who don’t know what they’re bloody talking about”.

There are also people from that age range generally annoyed that their ritual of watching “The Chase” before the six o’clock news has been interrupted.

This year however, Wellington’s own cultural thought leader Ruby Galbraith, 33, says more people from her own generation should take a stand against the ACC.

“Oh wow, the ACC are back again (eye roll). They’re just a bunch of blokey sexist MEN who think they’re being funny talking about sportsball,” she tweeted to her echo chamber of 500+ loyalists.

“More of us need to stand up to this kind of toxic masculinity. Honestly I don’t think men should even be allowed to talk to each other in small groups. They can’t be trusted.”

When reporters reached out to Galbraith to unpick some of her assertions, she declined to comment, but issued the following statement, again via her X (formerly Twitter) account. 

“Umm, okay I just got asked by a so-called ‘journalist’ to ‘clarify my position’ on why the ACC are a bunch of toxic sexist misogynists. As if I would amplify their platform by adding fuel to their fire.” 

Ms. Galbraith will have to wait and see whether the millennial generation joins her in her campaign against the ACC team. In the meantime the Broadcasting Standards Authority apparently has extra staff rostered on next week to deal with the yearly flood of boomer disgust. 

More to come.

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The post BLACK CLASH BACKLASH: Millennial Calls For More Young People To Start Being Annoyed By The ACC Commentary appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WHO THE HELL IS ICE SPICE?

34-year old Hamish Bevan finally accepted reality today, after bearing witness to a bewildering lineup announcement for Rhythm and Vines. 

Bevan attended the popular music festival, also known as “RnV”, as a spritely 19 year old back in 2009. But now that he has a wife and children, he has found himself squinting at today’s lineup announcement and wondering who or what “Ice Spice” is. 

“I had to google ‘Ice Spice’ in the end. Female rapper who was nominated for a Grammy recently? God I’m old,” he groaned. 

The only name the millennial man was able to correctly identify was Dave Dobbyn, who was at the height of his popularity in the 70s and 80s. 

“Saw that Sir Dave is going to be there, probably for a late afternoon set I guess. And then off to bed at a reasonable hour. 

“Shit I’m feeling tired just thinking about RnV.”

After further inspection of the Stuff article he was reading, which listed the names from the first lineup announcement, he was pleased there actually were a couple more he knew. 

“Oh RL Grime, yep I remember him. And Gin Wigmore! I know Gin!” he said as he became embarrassingly excited. 

Bevan would not elaborate further on his completely outdated music knowledge, after it became clear he had fallen asleep on the couch. 

More to come. 

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The post Millennial Accepts Old Age After Only Being Able To Recognise Dave Dobbyn’s Name In RnV Lineup appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HOT POTATO

When Joanne Wade had her first son Xavier, she often had pleasant daydreams about how she could relive her own childhood with him, once he was a bit older. 

Wade, 35, loved all sorts of children’s entertainment in her youth, including Suzy Cato, Bananas in Pyjamas, and Sesame Street. But one of her all time favourites was the Australian musical group, The Wiggles.

However the woman’s dreams were crushed yesterday while on a longish drive from Foxton beach to Palmerston North. Xavier had begun crying in the backseat of the car, and Joanne thought some music might help. She began playing “Hot Potato”, one of the Wiggles’ most well known songs of the early 90s.

What came next shattered Ms Wade’s world and made her question everything she had ever thought or dreamed about. Xavier’s cries turned into screams, interspersed with the phrase “No! I HATE the Wiggles!”

Shaken by this revelation, Wade hurriedly found the familiar theme tune to the cartoon Bluey, which instantly fixed Xavier’s mood. 

“I’m devastated. He hates the Wiggles? What did I do to deserve this?” she asked our reporters once she’d returned home. 

“We were going to have so much fun together with the Wiggles, so many songs to sing along to. Fruit Salad? Yummy yummy? How could he hate the Wiggles, he’s only three!”

Thinking it may have been a one-off, our reporter asked young Xavier once again if he liked the Wiggles.

“No I HATE the Wiggles,” he said authoritatively, as he started to become visibly upset. 

It may be a while before mother Joanne bounces back from this setback, as she was later seen slumped in a corner, on her phone watching a video of “Big Red Car”. 

More to come. 

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