FINANCIAL PRUNING

Outside the Beehive today, the nation’s mythical “magic money tree” was seen finally meeting its maker, as Finance Minister Nicola Willis was spotted dragging away what remained of it, dressed in her signature “grim reaper couture”.

Willis reportedly hacked the tree to death with a level of glee she will likely achieve when she eventually does the same to Wellington’s public service bureaucracy. 

From the magic tree’s remains, the Government has managed to harvest a modest yield: $5.5 billion for health, including bowel cancer screening extensions and a future South Auckland hospital site secured in principle, pending alignment of all earthly and celestial conditions.

A further $3 billion was extracted for Defence, mostly spent before it hit the ground on fleet upgrades, personnel pay rises, and general “we should’ve done this earlier” maintenance.

Road cones were quietly repositioned as $1.7 billion was allocated to bypass a dangerous stretch of State Highway 1, while rail received just over a billion .

When asked about the overall tone of the Budget, Willis reportedly paused beside the stump of the magic tree and said, “Look, if it’s magic, it should grow back. If it doesn’t, then maybe it turns out you can’t just borrow money forever with no downside.”

Opposition Leader Chris Hipkins responded by calling the Budget “out of touch”, adding that the Government was ignoring everyday pressures, before reportedly muttering, “There used to be more of that magic tree when I was in charge.”

As for the magic money tree, sources say it may regrow in time for next year’s Budget.  

More to come.

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LOOKING THE PART

Finance Minister Nicola Willis has reportedly spent much of this week wondering whether a newly purchased black hooded cloak and full-sized scythe might be “a bit over the top” for upcoming media appearances announcing further public sector job cuts.

Willis was seen by members of her family pacing around her modern Wellington townhouse late Tuesday evening while wearing the floor-length cloak, occasionally stopping in front of a mirror to test different ways of holding the scythe.

“She kept asking whether the hood should stay up during interviews or if that made it look too theatrical,” said one of her daughters. “She asked if black leather gloves made it feel too ‘Marvel villain’.”

The outfit testing comes after the government confirmed thousands more public service roles will be slashed across Wellington over the coming years as departments continue cost-cutting measures.

Willis reportedly defended the look while speaking to friends over herbal tea and a bowl of veggie crisps.

“I’m not trying to make a statement, although I s’pose I am,” she explained. “I just think if you’re fronting up to announce another wave of restructuring, you should look professional. You know, polished. Cohesive.”

She added that the scythe was “mostly symbolic” and said she had no immediate plans to try and get it past parliament security.

Neighbours say they briefly spotted the Finance Minister standing silently on her balcony at dusk earlier this week while the cloak moved in the Wellington wind.

“I honestly thought my time had come and Death himself had arrived to take me,” said local resident Aaron McKenzie. “Then I realised it was just Nicola doing media prep.”

Political commentators say the outfit could ultimately help lighten the messaging by making the government’s intentions feel “refreshingly transparent”.

More to come.

The post Nicola Willis Unsure Whether New Outfit For Media Appearances Is Too Much appeared first on The Whakataki Times.