ELECTRIC SILENCE

Justin Price, 32, discovered the true cost of being different. While colleagues at his Christchurch office groaned about the skyrocketing petrol prices, Justin, a proud EV owner, found himself ducking behind his laptop to avoid “the shame of privilege.”

“It started on Monday,” Justin recalled, sipping his ethically sourced oat milk. “I mentioned, very casually, that I hadn’t filled up a petrol car in a while. Within two minutes, everyone was telling me how $3.10 unleaded 91 was going to bankrupt them, and I realized… maybe silence is golden.”

Indeed, petrol prices in New Zealand have surged dramatically, with unleaded 91 jumping 10 cents in two days, pushing the average past $3.10, nearly a 20% increase in less than a month due to the war in Iran. 

Diesel wasn’t spared either, climbing nearly a dollar to an average of $2.80. Fuel stations ran dry in some areas, panic-buying whispers filled the air, and Finance Minister Nicola Willis urged calm.

Justin, however, remained the elephant in the room.

 “I really wanted to say something about how I charge my EV car at home for the price of a café latte, but the office really wasn’t ready for that conversation,” he admitted. “Now, I just nod, make sympathetic noises, and occasionally ask which petrol station has the lowest price. It’s… complicated.”

Justin’s newfound restraint may be saving office morale, but it hasn’t come without internal suffering. “It’s hard,” he confessed. “Every time someone groans about paying $3.10 a litre, I want to scream, ‘I haven’t been near a petrol station at all!’ But then I remember that silence is cheaper than an argument, and probably better for everyone’s blood pressure.

More to come.

The post Local EV Driver Quickly Learns To Keep Quiet During Office Chat About Petrol Prices appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

STRONG ALIGNMENT ENERGY

A newly installed Team Values poster in a central Wellington office is expected to become completely invisible to staff by the end of next week, despite being printed in full colour and placed directly above the coffee machine.

The laminated A2 poster, unveiled during a brief but meaningful morning tea at Disrupt on Monday, outlines five core principles including “Be Courageous”, “Own The Outcome” and “Bring Your Whole Self”.

Project coordinator Liam Barker said the poster represents “a genuine shift”.

“It’s about alignment,” Barker said. “If we can all just glance at it once or twice a day, you know, it starts to sink in subconsciously.”

Barker confirmed he personally chose a sunset gradient background to make the values feel “warm but still accountable”.

“You don’t want it too corporate. You want people to feel something when they look at it.”

Staff member Anita Rao said she noticed the poster immediately on Monday but could already feel her brain adjusting.

“It was quite bright at first,” Rao said. “Now it’s sort of blending in with the fire evacuation diagram and the roster for emptying the dishwasher.”

Rao confirmed she fully supports the values and looks forward to continuing to embody them without thinking about them ever again.

Organisational psychologist Megan Field said the phenomenon is common in modern workplaces.

“Human beings are very good at filtering out anything they consider not relevant,” Field said. “Especially if it’s in Helvetica and uses words like ‘journey’.”

Field predicts the poster will eventually become part of the wall itself, only noticeable when a new starter asks what the values are and somebody says “I think they’re on a poster somewhere”.

More to come.

The post New Team Values Poster In Office Predicted To Become Totally Invisible To Staff In Two Weeks appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

POLITE ESCAPE

A 33 year old Wellington man has once again deployed the time tested phrase “we should go for a coffee sometime” after unexpectedly running into a former colleague at Moore Wilson’s on Saturday morning.

Nathan Wilkes confirmed he had not spoken to ex marketing advisor Jeremy Clarke in just over two years before the chance encounter in the olive aisle.

“It was good to see him ay,” Wilkes said. “Nothing against the bloke. Just wasn’t prepared for a full life update between the balsamic and the feta.”

Wilkes said the conversation quickly escalated from a casual “how’s things” to a detailed breakdown of Clarke’s new role, gym routine and thoughts on the property market.

“He’s a good guy,” Wilkes explained. “Very thorough. You ask how work is and you get the strategic overview.”

After approximately nine minutes, Wilkes identified what he described as “a natural gap” and moved decisively.

“I just said, ‘Mate we should go for a coffee sometime,’” he said. “It’s friendly. It’s open ended. It acknowledges the connection without locking anything in.”

Wilkes confirmed there are no current plans to schedule said coffee.

“I’ve got a lot on,” he said. “Young family. Bit flat out. You know how it is.”

Clarke later told friends he was “definitely keen to catch up properly” but had not committed to sending a DM via Linkedin.

Relationship expert and part time mediator Karen Bishop says the phrase remains one of New Zealand’s most elegant social tools.

“It signals goodwill while preserving distance,” Bishop said. “Everyone understands it, even if no one admits they do.”

Wilkes ended the interview by saying that he’ll definitely get round to thinking about setting a date at some point.  

More to come. 

The post “We Should Go For A Coffee Sometime” Still The Best Exit Strategy From Small Talk Entrapment appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CALCIUM RICH

Auckland real estate agent Dean Casey, 36, has confirmed that despite visible mould and sagging floors, a crumbling 1970s Auckland home he’s currently selling still has what really matters in today’s market: good bones.

Casey, who is asking $1.3 million for the three-bedroom Mt Roskill property, assured potential buyers that the house’s structural integrity should be judged less by what can be seen, and more by what can be imagined.

“Look, you’ve got to see past the cosmetic stuff,” Casey said, gesturing toward a window that no longer shuts and a deck that dips slightly toward the neighbour’s fence. “Yes, the roof leaks. Yes, the wiring predates colour television. But underneath all that? Good bones.”

According to the listing, those bones include original timber framing, a concrete foundation that is “still mostly present,” and an unmistakable sense of character that Casey believes modern homes simply can’t replicate.

“They just don’t build them like this anymore,” he added, carefully stepping over a loose floorboard. “Mainly because the council would never allow it.”

The home, built in 1974 features what Casey describes as a “generous open-plan layout,” largely due to the removal of several internal walls by previous owners in a desperate attempt to become more modern.

Buyers at this weekend’s open home were encouraged to ignore the faint smell of damp and instead focus on the property’s “potential.”

“Once you knock down the kitchen, the bathroom, the laundry, probably the roof, and redo the piles, you’ve got something really special here,” Casey said. “The key thing is the bones of the house are solid and calcium rich.”

Asked whether the phrase good bones had become something of a reflex among agents, Casey rejected the suggestion.

“At the end of the day,” he said, locking the door behind another open home, “you’re not buying a house. You’re buying bones. And for $1.3 million, these are very good ones.”

More to come.

The post Real Estate Agent Confirms House He’s Selling That’s Falling Apart Actually Has “Good Bones” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

GROWS ON TREES

Auckland credit assessor Julia Hampton has had a normal and even joyful morning, after breezily contributing to the country’s rampant inflation problem. 

“Another happy couple getting into their first home. I love my job so much, so rewarding,” she said as she stepped away from ANZ for a celebratory coffee and cheese scone. 

Ms. Hampton had just given the green light on a loan for Papakura couple Ryan and Laura, who are now officially homeowners. While this is fantastic news for the happy couple, it would appear Julia had no idea how mortgages really work. 

“Yeah, I approved the loan and now our bank has lent them the money to buy a beautiful new home, and all they have to do now is pay the loan back over 30 years with interest applied,” she said before slurping her oat milk flat white. 

Hampton however conveniently missed out the minor detail about the bank not technically holding any money at all for the loan in the first place. All they really do is type a number and the money appears out of thin air, as a number on a screen. 

“Haha well what is money anyway, really,” she laughed while having literally no idea what the answer was to her own question. 

Ryan and Laura will now spend the next 30 years paying the bank money that never existed in the first place, plus interest on that money that was actually thin air only moments ago. Unfortunately the new homeowners will not be able to create their own money out of thin air to pay the mortgage off, and will instead have to work for it. 

“Oh how good is it to finally get on the property ladder though! Such a relief!” said Laura, choosing not to focus on the sick reality of the global financial system.  

Ryan meanwhile appeared to be realising that the world was actually being run on fake money and theft and is now in danger of going down multiple rabbit holes on the internet. 

More to come. 

The post Local Banker Happily Approves Mortgage As If She Hasn’t Just Created Fake Money Out Of Thin Air appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FAKE FOCUS 

With just a few working days left in 2025, Tom Chapman has summoned every last ounce of office enthusiasm to perform the near-impossible: look like he’s doing something meaningful.

Chapman, a 27-year-old insurance broker in Wellington’s CBD, was spotted at his desk exhibiting an impressive flurry of activity that fooled precisely no one. Christmas decorations twinkled around the office, but Davis’ own sparkle came from his rapid tab-clicking skills.

Our reporters were on-site at his Lambton Quay office to witness the high-stakes performance art that is pretending to care about work in December.

“Ah, what’s this? Urgent request?” Chapman muttered to himself, his eyes scanning the subject line of an email that had landed in his inbox three seconds ago. After a tense deliberation of approximately 27 seconds, he summoned the courage to open it.

Reading it out loud just loud enough for colleagues to hear, Davis projected an aura of diligence.

“Gee, look at him go,” said James McHardy, a coworker who mentally clocked out sometime around November 29. “He’s pretending he’s going to take action it, but we all know he’s just going to wander off to some random folders, click a few things, then stare blankly at the screen until the clock hits five. Classic Tom.”

Davis, now transitioning from frenetic tab-clicker to reflective inbox organizer, shared his thoughts on the year-end grind:

“Well, I want to see the year out strongly,” he said, carefully crafting the illusion of commitment. “Yes, it’s bloody difficult. But its actually better to appear to be busy than to try starting something meaningful. Anyway, I’ve got a few junk folders to clear out—should keep me occupied until lunchtime tomorrow.”

More to come.

The post LAST WEEK AT WORK: Bloke Clicks Rapidly Between Tabs To Appear To Be A Productive Employee appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DECEMBER MODE

Jason Tilley, 34, from Auckland, has officially entered his end-of-year hibernation cycle after spotting the annual migration of the Christmas Cookie Time Girls through his Albert Street office this morning.

Tilley mentally began to wind down for the entire year at 9:04 this morning when he heard the unmistakable jingle of plastic tubs and overly cheerful upsell scripts drifting down the hallway.

“I’ll take two of those thanks,” he instructed the 20 year-old university students, clearly doing the job as a small summer gig, signifying the beginning of Christmas and the end of the working year.

His co-workers explained that Tilley has not completed a meaningful task since last week and constantly keeps asking everyone what they’re doing for the Christmas and summer break despite a lot more work needing to be done before anyone can even consider a summer break.

“Look, once the Cookie Time girls show up, I’m mentally checked out for the year to be honest,” Tilley admitted while rearranging Christmas tinsel the receptionist had plastered over his desk.

“I’ve got three Christmas parties to attend over the next couple of weeks and to be honest, the Cookie Time girls make it feel like the year is done already. It’s the silly season!”

At press time, Tilley was last spotted googling “Secret Santa ideas under $10” instead of completing the report due yesterday, and began drafting his out of office auto-reply email for the summer.

More to come.

The post Bloke Begins Annual Wind-Down The Moment Christmas Cookie Time Girls Enter Office appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HOPE FADING

Mike Bain, 35, insists he’s “nowhere near being bald” despite the remaining pieces of hair on his head looking like they could blow off with a decent gust of wind.

Bain, who works at a Christchurch tech firm, was seen brushing the remaining strands across his increasingly shiny dome during Monday’s team meeting. Colleagues say the move only highlighted the issue.

“I’ll shave it when it’s actually gone,” he said firmly. “And besides, when it’s wet, it looks way thicker,” Bain told reporters confidently.  

Sources close to Bain confirmed he’s spent nearly $200 on “hair-thickening sprays” and “root-stimulating serums,” none of which have produced results.

“I’ve got this new shampoo that makes my scalp tingle,” he said. “That means it’s working,“ he explained, as he began looking even balder than at the start of the interview.

Coworker Jess Heald, who sits across from Bain, says the rest of the team have stopped mentioning it altogether.

“We tried being supportive, but it’s hard to compliment someone’s hair when its not there. He should look at the positives really, I mean, he won’t have to keep seeing a hairdresser will he?  she said.

Despite the mockery, Bain remains defiant.

“Everyone keeps saying I should just shave it, but why would I? It’s not gone, there’s still actual hair left.”

More to come.

The post Balding Bloke Under Pressure To Shave It All Off Insists He’s “Nowhere Near Being Bald” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

GUILTY AS CHARGED

The “work from home” phenomenon, also known as “flexible working,” has been judged as the cold, calculated killer of Friday work drinks at a Christchurch insurance firm.

Southern Insurance Director Jason Connolly claims flexible working has destroyed both Friday beers and the sense of team culture he once managed to build.

“You’d think people would want to come in on a Friday just for the beers. But no! Too much effort!” said Connolly, exasperated. “Ten years ago there’d be no choice in the matter. Everyone had to be in the office, which meant there was always potential for a good turnout.”

Connolly says the decline was gradual — first a few people working from home “to focus,” then whole teams claiming they could “wrap things up remotely.”

“Sure, there’d be a few skipping it for valid reasons back in the day,” he said. “But at least there’d be people in the building. Now, thanks to bloody flexible working, it’s just me drinking at my desk, staring at a Teams chat full of dog photos.”

Staff deny that culture has died completely, insisting that memes and emoji reactions have simply replaced face-to-face interaction. “We still connect,” said analyst Olivia McKay. “Just asynchronously. I gave Jason’s beer selfie a thumbs-up last week.”

Despite Connolly’s efforts to lure staff back with a variety of alcoholic and non alcoholic options, snack platters and themed Fridays, turnout remains bleak. “We even tried calling it ‘Friday Connection Hour,’” he said. “I got one reply saying, ‘Sorry Jason, working remotely today,’ which apparently means not working at all.”

As for what comes next, Connolly hasn’t given up hope. “Maybe I’ll start scheduling drinks for Tuesday mornings,” he mused. “Need to get creative.”

More to come.

The post Flexible Working Officially Blamed For The Death Of Friday Office Drinks appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SEEN BETTER DAYS

Sam Vickery has been bravely confronting a multi-day hangover today after a whirlwind weekend of drinking.

The 34 year-old from Christchurch who reportedly arrived home at 5 a.m. Sunday after a night of unspecified revelry, was “worse for wear” upon entry to his office today and sat staring blankly at a computer screen displaying an Excel spreadsheet, while opening emails and attempting to take in what they said.

Colleagues observed Vickery’s ongoing struggle.

“He typed something in, then deleted it, then stared at it for 20 minutes, probably hoping it would just fix itself,” said a coworker on condition of anonymity. “We’re not sure if he’s working or summoning some ancient hangover.”

“He sort of said something to me in the kitchen like if I watched any sport on the weekend, then he answered the question as if I’d asked it and not him. He’s seriously not all there,” his colleague concluded. 

Vickery spoke to our reporters with a 1000 yard stare.

“I thought the Beroccas would be my salvation this morning, but I still feel like my body’s been in a car crash, which is basically just saying you need to be punished for consuming more than a dozen beers in quick succession”. 

Friends report that Vickery spent Sunday morning “negotiating with his own couch” and staring at the ceiling while intermittently groaning. 

“I thought Monday would be the end of it,” he said. “But here we are. Tuesday’s about to begin and I don’t even think a strenuous bout of exercise will wash the hangover away.”

Vickery remains optimistic, however, stating, “If I can make it through a Monday like that, I can survive anything. Maybe Wednesday will be better… or maybe that’s just what the hangover wants me to think.”

More to come.

The post Bloke’s Hangover Now Creeping Into Tuesday appeared first on The Whakataki Times.