ENTREPRENEURIAL ENERGY

A Wellington man has confirmed that his carefully branded “side hustle” has generated $11 in revenue over the past two years.

Ethan Clarke, 29, describes himself as a “digital entrepreneur” despite acknowledging that most of his earnings came from one Trade Me sale in late 2023.

“It’s not about the money yet,” Clarke explained. “I’m taking the time to build up a strong system.”

Clarke said his side hustle involves dropshipping, content strategy and “leveraging attention.”

“I’m playing the long game,” he said. “Eleven dollars might seem small but at this stage it’s proof of concept.”

The local man confirmed he spends most evenings refining logos and updating his bio, saying that “you’ve got to look bigger than you are first, and then you scale.”

Flatmate Josh Turner said the hustle appears largely theoretical. “He talks about passive income a lot,” Turner said. “But what I’ve mostly seen is a lot of time spent on Canva.”

Clarke remains confident the breakthrough is imminent.

“All big businesses start somewhere,” he said. “Rome wasn’t built in a day and I’m pretty sure they didn’t make a profit from day one either.”

At time of writing, Clarke was reportedly considering reinvesting his $11 into a new domain name to “help with SEO”.

More to come. 

The post Local Man’s Self-Described “Side Hustle” Has Reportedly Netted Him $11 Since 2023 appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BEATING TRAFFIC

A Wellington cyclist has once again confirmed that biking to work is “actually faster, ay,” during a conversation that did not involve transport logistics.

Daniel Moore, 34, made the comments unprompted while colleagues discussed roadworks near the Terrace tunnel. Moore, who cycles from Newtown to the CBD regardless of weather conditions, said the numbers “don’t lie”.

“It’s genuinely quicker,” Moore said, shaking rain off his high vis jacket in the office kitchen. “Door to door, I’m beating cars most days.”

Moore said people underestimate the efficiency of two wheels.

“Everyone thinks I’m doing it for fitness or the planet or whatever. But it’s just faster. You skip the traffic, you don’t pay for parking. Easy.”

He confirmed he has timed the journey “multiple times” and maintains a mental leaderboard comparing himself to various colleagues’ commute estimates.

“I passed three utes stuck on Adelaide Road this morning. Same ones every day. They’re not learning.”

Co worker Hannah Patel said the office is well aware of Moore’s commute statistics.

“He’ll come in soaked, shoes squelching, and before he’s even taken his helmet off he’ll say, ‘Twenty two minutes today,’” Patel said. “We didn’t ask. But fair enough.”

Patel confirmed that while most staff drive or bus in, Moore has positioned himself as a kind of unofficial transport analyst.

“He’s always got a fact ready. Like how many minutes he saved last month. Or how his thighs are basically infrastructure now.”

Moore said he does not bring it up to feel superior.

“I just think people should know it’s faster. That’s all. I’m not judging.”

He then checked MetService for the afternoon forecast and quietly began planning how to mention the tailwind tomorrow.

More to come.

The post Wellington Cyclist Mentions That “It’s Actually Faster”, Again appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ELECTRIC SILENCE

Justin Price, 32, discovered the true cost of being different. While colleagues at his Christchurch office groaned about the skyrocketing petrol prices, Justin, a proud EV owner, found himself ducking behind his laptop to avoid “the shame of privilege.”

“It started on Monday,” Justin recalled, sipping his ethically sourced oat milk. “I mentioned, very casually, that I hadn’t filled up a petrol car in a while. Within two minutes, everyone was telling me how $3.10 unleaded 91 was going to bankrupt them, and I realized… maybe silence is golden.”

Indeed, petrol prices in New Zealand have surged dramatically, with unleaded 91 jumping 10 cents in two days, pushing the average past $3.10, nearly a 20% increase in less than a month due to the war in Iran. 

Diesel wasn’t spared either, climbing nearly a dollar to an average of $2.80. Fuel stations ran dry in some areas, panic-buying whispers filled the air, and Finance Minister Nicola Willis urged calm.

Justin, however, remained the elephant in the room.

 “I really wanted to say something about how I charge my EV car at home for the price of a café latte, but the office really wasn’t ready for that conversation,” he admitted. “Now, I just nod, make sympathetic noises, and occasionally ask which petrol station has the lowest price. It’s… complicated.”

Justin’s newfound restraint may be saving office morale, but it hasn’t come without internal suffering. “It’s hard,” he confessed. “Every time someone groans about paying $3.10 a litre, I want to scream, ‘I haven’t been near a petrol station at all!’ But then I remember that silence is cheaper than an argument, and probably better for everyone’s blood pressure.

More to come.

The post Local EV Driver Quickly Learns To Keep Quiet During Office Chat About Petrol Prices appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

STRONG ALIGNMENT ENERGY

A newly installed Team Values poster in a central Wellington office is expected to become completely invisible to staff by the end of next week, despite being printed in full colour and placed directly above the coffee machine.

The laminated A2 poster, unveiled during a brief but meaningful morning tea at Disrupt on Monday, outlines five core principles including “Be Courageous”, “Own The Outcome” and “Bring Your Whole Self”.

Project coordinator Liam Barker said the poster represents “a genuine shift”.

“It’s about alignment,” Barker said. “If we can all just glance at it once or twice a day, you know, it starts to sink in subconsciously.”

Barker confirmed he personally chose a sunset gradient background to make the values feel “warm but still accountable”.

“You don’t want it too corporate. You want people to feel something when they look at it.”

Staff member Anita Rao said she noticed the poster immediately on Monday but could already feel her brain adjusting.

“It was quite bright at first,” Rao said. “Now it’s sort of blending in with the fire evacuation diagram and the roster for emptying the dishwasher.”

Rao confirmed she fully supports the values and looks forward to continuing to embody them without thinking about them ever again.

Organisational psychologist Megan Field said the phenomenon is common in modern workplaces.

“Human beings are very good at filtering out anything they consider not relevant,” Field said. “Especially if it’s in Helvetica and uses words like ‘journey’.”

Field predicts the poster will eventually become part of the wall itself, only noticeable when a new starter asks what the values are and somebody says “I think they’re on a poster somewhere”.

More to come.

The post New Team Values Poster In Office Predicted To Become Totally Invisible To Staff In Two Weeks appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

POLITE ESCAPE

A 33 year old Wellington man has once again deployed the time tested phrase “we should go for a coffee sometime” after unexpectedly running into a former colleague at Moore Wilson’s on Saturday morning.

Nathan Wilkes confirmed he had not spoken to ex marketing advisor Jeremy Clarke in just over two years before the chance encounter in the olive aisle.

“It was good to see him ay,” Wilkes said. “Nothing against the bloke. Just wasn’t prepared for a full life update between the balsamic and the feta.”

Wilkes said the conversation quickly escalated from a casual “how’s things” to a detailed breakdown of Clarke’s new role, gym routine and thoughts on the property market.

“He’s a good guy,” Wilkes explained. “Very thorough. You ask how work is and you get the strategic overview.”

After approximately nine minutes, Wilkes identified what he described as “a natural gap” and moved decisively.

“I just said, ‘Mate we should go for a coffee sometime,’” he said. “It’s friendly. It’s open ended. It acknowledges the connection without locking anything in.”

Wilkes confirmed there are no current plans to schedule said coffee.

“I’ve got a lot on,” he said. “Young family. Bit flat out. You know how it is.”

Clarke later told friends he was “definitely keen to catch up properly” but had not committed to sending a DM via Linkedin.

Relationship expert and part time mediator Karen Bishop says the phrase remains one of New Zealand’s most elegant social tools.

“It signals goodwill while preserving distance,” Bishop said. “Everyone understands it, even if no one admits they do.”

Wilkes ended the interview by saying that he’ll definitely get round to thinking about setting a date at some point.  

More to come. 

The post “We Should Go For A Coffee Sometime” Still The Best Exit Strategy From Small Talk Entrapment appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CALCIUM RICH

Auckland real estate agent Dean Casey, 36, has confirmed that despite visible mould and sagging floors, a crumbling 1970s Auckland home he’s currently selling still has what really matters in today’s market: good bones.

Casey, who is asking $1.3 million for the three-bedroom Mt Roskill property, assured potential buyers that the house’s structural integrity should be judged less by what can be seen, and more by what can be imagined.

“Look, you’ve got to see past the cosmetic stuff,” Casey said, gesturing toward a window that no longer shuts and a deck that dips slightly toward the neighbour’s fence. “Yes, the roof leaks. Yes, the wiring predates colour television. But underneath all that? Good bones.”

According to the listing, those bones include original timber framing, a concrete foundation that is “still mostly present,” and an unmistakable sense of character that Casey believes modern homes simply can’t replicate.

“They just don’t build them like this anymore,” he added, carefully stepping over a loose floorboard. “Mainly because the council would never allow it.”

The home, built in 1974 features what Casey describes as a “generous open-plan layout,” largely due to the removal of several internal walls by previous owners in a desperate attempt to become more modern.

Buyers at this weekend’s open home were encouraged to ignore the faint smell of damp and instead focus on the property’s “potential.”

“Once you knock down the kitchen, the bathroom, the laundry, probably the roof, and redo the piles, you’ve got something really special here,” Casey said. “The key thing is the bones of the house are solid and calcium rich.”

Asked whether the phrase good bones had become something of a reflex among agents, Casey rejected the suggestion.

“At the end of the day,” he said, locking the door behind another open home, “you’re not buying a house. You’re buying bones. And for $1.3 million, these are very good ones.”

More to come.

The post Real Estate Agent Confirms House He’s Selling That’s Falling Apart Actually Has “Good Bones” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

GROWS ON TREES

Auckland credit assessor Julia Hampton has had a normal and even joyful morning, after breezily contributing to the country’s rampant inflation problem. 

“Another happy couple getting into their first home. I love my job so much, so rewarding,” she said as she stepped away from ANZ for a celebratory coffee and cheese scone. 

Ms. Hampton had just given the green light on a loan for Papakura couple Ryan and Laura, who are now officially homeowners. While this is fantastic news for the happy couple, it would appear Julia had no idea how mortgages really work. 

“Yeah, I approved the loan and now our bank has lent them the money to buy a beautiful new home, and all they have to do now is pay the loan back over 30 years with interest applied,” she said before slurping her oat milk flat white. 

Hampton however conveniently missed out the minor detail about the bank not technically holding any money at all for the loan in the first place. All they really do is type a number and the money appears out of thin air, as a number on a screen. 

“Haha well what is money anyway, really,” she laughed while having literally no idea what the answer was to her own question. 

Ryan and Laura will now spend the next 30 years paying the bank money that never existed in the first place, plus interest on that money that was actually thin air only moments ago. Unfortunately the new homeowners will not be able to create their own money out of thin air to pay the mortgage off, and will instead have to work for it. 

“Oh how good is it to finally get on the property ladder though! Such a relief!” said Laura, choosing not to focus on the sick reality of the global financial system.  

Ryan meanwhile appeared to be realising that the world was actually being run on fake money and theft and is now in danger of going down multiple rabbit holes on the internet. 

More to come. 

The post Local Banker Happily Approves Mortgage As If She Hasn’t Just Created Fake Money Out Of Thin Air appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FAKE FOCUS 

With just a few working days left in 2025, Tom Chapman has summoned every last ounce of office enthusiasm to perform the near-impossible: look like he’s doing something meaningful.

Chapman, a 27-year-old insurance broker in Wellington’s CBD, was spotted at his desk exhibiting an impressive flurry of activity that fooled precisely no one. Christmas decorations twinkled around the office, but Davis’ own sparkle came from his rapid tab-clicking skills.

Our reporters were on-site at his Lambton Quay office to witness the high-stakes performance art that is pretending to care about work in December.

“Ah, what’s this? Urgent request?” Chapman muttered to himself, his eyes scanning the subject line of an email that had landed in his inbox three seconds ago. After a tense deliberation of approximately 27 seconds, he summoned the courage to open it.

Reading it out loud just loud enough for colleagues to hear, Davis projected an aura of diligence.

“Gee, look at him go,” said James McHardy, a coworker who mentally clocked out sometime around November 29. “He’s pretending he’s going to take action it, but we all know he’s just going to wander off to some random folders, click a few things, then stare blankly at the screen until the clock hits five. Classic Tom.”

Davis, now transitioning from frenetic tab-clicker to reflective inbox organizer, shared his thoughts on the year-end grind:

“Well, I want to see the year out strongly,” he said, carefully crafting the illusion of commitment. “Yes, it’s bloody difficult. But its actually better to appear to be busy than to try starting something meaningful. Anyway, I’ve got a few junk folders to clear out—should keep me occupied until lunchtime tomorrow.”

More to come.

The post LAST WEEK AT WORK: Bloke Clicks Rapidly Between Tabs To Appear To Be A Productive Employee appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DECEMBER MODE

Jason Tilley, 34, from Auckland, has officially entered his end-of-year hibernation cycle after spotting the annual migration of the Christmas Cookie Time Girls through his Albert Street office this morning.

Tilley mentally began to wind down for the entire year at 9:04 this morning when he heard the unmistakable jingle of plastic tubs and overly cheerful upsell scripts drifting down the hallway.

“I’ll take two of those thanks,” he instructed the 20 year-old university students, clearly doing the job as a small summer gig, signifying the beginning of Christmas and the end of the working year.

His co-workers explained that Tilley has not completed a meaningful task since last week and constantly keeps asking everyone what they’re doing for the Christmas and summer break despite a lot more work needing to be done before anyone can even consider a summer break.

“Look, once the Cookie Time girls show up, I’m mentally checked out for the year to be honest,” Tilley admitted while rearranging Christmas tinsel the receptionist had plastered over his desk.

“I’ve got three Christmas parties to attend over the next couple of weeks and to be honest, the Cookie Time girls make it feel like the year is done already. It’s the silly season!”

At press time, Tilley was last spotted googling “Secret Santa ideas under $10” instead of completing the report due yesterday, and began drafting his out of office auto-reply email for the summer.

More to come.

The post Bloke Begins Annual Wind-Down The Moment Christmas Cookie Time Girls Enter Office appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HOPE FADING

Mike Bain, 35, insists he’s “nowhere near being bald” despite the remaining pieces of hair on his head looking like they could blow off with a decent gust of wind.

Bain, who works at a Christchurch tech firm, was seen brushing the remaining strands across his increasingly shiny dome during Monday’s team meeting. Colleagues say the move only highlighted the issue.

“I’ll shave it when it’s actually gone,” he said firmly. “And besides, when it’s wet, it looks way thicker,” Bain told reporters confidently.  

Sources close to Bain confirmed he’s spent nearly $200 on “hair-thickening sprays” and “root-stimulating serums,” none of which have produced results.

“I’ve got this new shampoo that makes my scalp tingle,” he said. “That means it’s working,“ he explained, as he began looking even balder than at the start of the interview.

Coworker Jess Heald, who sits across from Bain, says the rest of the team have stopped mentioning it altogether.

“We tried being supportive, but it’s hard to compliment someone’s hair when its not there. He should look at the positives really, I mean, he won’t have to keep seeing a hairdresser will he?  she said.

Despite the mockery, Bain remains defiant.

“Everyone keeps saying I should just shave it, but why would I? It’s not gone, there’s still actual hair left.”

More to come.

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