NEW YEAR SAME ME

In what was supposed to be the year of self-improvement, 27-year-old Marie Wilkins’ New Year’s resolution to read more books has officially been derailed—hours into 2025.

Her plan, which was meant to involve one book a month, has already faced a tragic, albeit predictable, end after the drop of a new crime series on Netflix.

“I really thought this year would be different,” Marie said, sitting in her couch fortress, surrounded by snack wrappers and an untouched hardcover novel. “I promised myself, ‘This is the year I’m going to be a reader. Might even join a book club too.”

Marie had begun this morning with high hopes. She received a beautiful hardback edition of The Silent Witness, a gripping crime thriller, as a Christmas gift.

“I thought I’d read it in January and really set the tone for the year,” she explained, gesturing to the what will be a future dusty book on the coffee table.

“I made it 37 pages in… I swear, I was really into it! But then I saw Netflix dropped a new crime drama and the first few episodes have been really good!”

The new crime drama, which Wilkins chose not to name, has been called a “must stream” by the internet, but will likely be watched and forgotten like so many that came before it. 

“I mean, binge watching a series as opposed to binging on a few books is kinda the same right?”

More to come.

 
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The post Woman’s 2025 Plan To “Read More Books” Immediately Ends After New Crime Series Drops on Netflix appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FINISHING STRONG

Sophie Anderson, 28, of Auckland, has officially declared that tonight’s New Year’s Eve will be her final indulgence in “bad decisions and excessive drinking” before embarking on a serious, no-excuses, life-changing detox in 2025.

“I’m serious this time,” Sophie said  looking at her reflection in the bathroom mirror, as she prepared for what was sure to be another late-night mission to the Viaduct. “No more binge-drinking in 2025. This is the last time.”

Her friends, however, aren’t buying it.

“I’ve heard this speech every year,” said  Alice Thompson, Sophie’s best friend, as they navigated the crowded Auckland streets. “She’ll wake up on January 1st, post ‘New Year, New Me’ on Instagram, and then, four days later, she’ll find some ridiculous excuse to drink again. It’s like clockwork.”

Talking to our reporters, Sophie remained resolute on her claims.

“I’m not going to let myself go this year,” she continued, as her friends prepared to head into the Viaduct, the ultimate destination for a “last hurrah” in Auckland’s party scene. 

“2025 is going to be all about self-care, kale smoothies, and yoga. No more shots after 2 a.m. I’m done with that.”

More to come.

 
This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post “This Is The Last Time” Says Woman, Already Lying To Herself About 2025 Detox appeared first on The Whakataki Times.