SAFE SPACE 

Coldplay have announced a brand new initiative aimed at protecting people with “complicated situationships.”

The new ticket category, titled “Kiss Cam Free Zone” will be trialled at upcoming Coldplay concerts. It will allow people to enjoy Coldplay, while actively cheating on their partners without accidentally appearing on the stadium’s kiss cam.

Frontman Chris Martin confirmed the special ticket class was in response to the now-infamous moment where Andy Byron, CEO of tech firm Astronomer, was seen on the stadium screen passionately embracing Kristin Cabot, the company’s HR boss. 

“We understand now that for some people, being caught in 4K at a Coldplay concert is career-ending,” Martin explained. “So we’re offering a safer space with a kiss cam free zone for those who might be actively cheating on their partner at one of our concerts.” 

One Wellington couple, who spoke to The Whakataki Times on condition of anonymity, say they’ve already booked tickets.

“It’s a massive relief,” said “Ben”, a 38-year-old married procurement manager.
“We’ve been going to gigs in fear. Always scanning for cameras, holding hands under jackets. Coldplay finally gets us.”

His companion “Holly”, a 29-year-old Pilates instructor and ex-babysitter of Ben’s children, agreed. “Honestly, the idea of being caught on camera while Fix You plays would absolutely ruin me, emotionally but more so from a career point of view,” she said.

“So grateful to Chris and the band for understanding us. Going to be great to be able to enjoy Coldplay with the person I’m not meant to be enjoying them with.”

More to come. 

The post Coldplay Now Offering Tickets To “Kiss Cam Free Zone” Exclusively For Cheaters And Adulterers appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CORDELIA URCHINS | Culture

Christchurch Couple Mollie Marriott, 29, and Toby Green, 30, have decided that while socks stay off during sex, the school leavers hoodies stay on.

The pair, who have been together for 11 years, explained that their high school leavers hoodies have been a welcome addition to their Rolleston-based lovemaking. 

“Our favourite position is doggie- he reads out the names on the back of my hoodie so we can discuss mutual friends”, says Mollie. 

“If I’m lucky I get smacked with the yearbook” adds Toby. 

Following a bit of a dry spell, the hoodies turned out to be just what they needed to reignite their spark. 

“It’s easy in a relationship to get caught up in the little things and forget about what really matters- Christchurch Boys Class of 2012 and Christchurch Girls class of 2013.”

The decision comes as part of wider efforts to revitalise their sex life. The Whakataki Times received an anonymous tip off from a lady who claims she joined them for a threesome.

“I left as they spent most of the time talking about his Y10 science teacher.”

The couple vehemently dismissed allegations that they peaked in high school, adding that they have a very fulfilled life. Their hobbies include walking their dog, going to the riverside food market and purchasing new furniture for their new build.

More to come. 

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The post Christchurch Couple Decide School Leavers Hoodies Stay On During Sex appeared first on The Whakataki Times.