GRACEFUL EJECTION

Former Green MP Golriz Ghahraman has expressed her deep gratitude today.

Although the convicted shoplifter’s group was asked to leave a central Auckland restaurant recently, she was pleased that she wasn’t asked to empty her handbag, detained, or made to explain her movements to the New Zealand police.

“It’s just so nice to be asked to leave a business and not have it followed up with a press release or a possible court appearance. No security footage. Just a good old-fashioned ejection and not even my bag checked. Honestly, I felt respected,” Golriz said chipperly.

Ghahraman took to social media to call out Atelier restaurant on Karangahape Rd which allegedly subjected her to ‘gross mistreatment’ and eventually cancelled her booking midway through with a group of people over the weekend. 

When asked what actually happened at the restaurant over the weekend, Ghahraman made all sorts of accusations, referenced an Instagram post, and claimed that things turned “super racist”.

Atelier co-owner Matt Gossett however appeared unfazed by the claims, and questioned the credibility of the convicted criminal. 

“Obviously [Ghahraman] had a little bit too much to drink and didn’t behave appropriately – that’s all I can say,” Atelier’s co-owner Matt Gossett said.

When asked if any cutlery, candles or small table décor had gone missing during the brunch, Gossett was pleased to report that no petty crime had been committed on this occasion.

More to come. 

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NOT HER TIME

Beloved children’s entertainer Suzy Cato is breathing a sigh of relief today.

It came when the media officially confirmed that the “Prominent New Zealander” with name suppression is male, dramatically narrowing down the list of potential suspects and providing immediate relief to fans of You and Me and Suzy’s World.

“Oh such a relief,” Cato told reporters as she did dangerously wholesome things like painting children’s pictures and straightening children’s books on the bookshelf, as opposed to large scale crimes.

“It has been a hectic few days, I got a message from someone asking if I’d turned to a life of crime out of boredom. But I’m still flat out doing birthday shout-outs for seven-year-olds and making worm farms with old yoghurt containers,” she said, putting the finishing touches on a painting as well.

Meanwhile in Wellington, the man who appeared via audio-visual link in court this morning has not entered pleas to eight charges that remain tightly suppressed, along with anything about his identity. 

The suppression has meant many well known male D-list celebrities, rugby players that have played a handful of NPC games, and any former contestants on NZ Idol all have the spotlight on them for now.

Cato again explained her hectic lifestyle ruled her out of turning to criminal acts.

“Honestly, I’ve been so busy making googly eyed puppets out of socks that I wouldn’t even have time for a white-collar crime,” Cato said, while opening up the book The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

The Whakataki Times can also confirm that the general New Zealand public would be deeply disappointed if the person at the centre of the case turned out to be a long-forgotten talent show contestant, a semi-professional rugby player who played four Super Rugby matches in 2009, or a man barely known for a small cameo appearance on Shortland Street in 2004.

More to come. 

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SIMPLER TIMES

Green Party co-leader Chloe Swarbrick is wishing MP Benjamin Doyle had simply stolen thousands of dollars worth of clothing from a high end fashion store today.

Swarbrick fronted the media at Parliament, having to speak on behalf of Doyle after some very questionable social media posts became public.

“Look, if Benjamin had just been caught shoplifting like Golriz at least I could have said, ‘It’s wrong, it’s illegal, and let’s move on.’ That would’ve been so much simpler!” Swarbrick said, wishing she was back in a time where she had to speak about how taking items from a store without paying is indeed a crime and a sackable offence. 

“But now, I’m out here explaining emojis, personal choices of words, and whether or not we should even be offended by the term ‘bussy ‘and ‘bussy galore’. It’s a nightmare!” said Swarbrick, visibly flustered.

One particular post, featuring a family photo of Doyle and his child with the caption “bussy galore,” has raised eyebrows—and questions—none of which Chloe wants to deal with.

“At least with shoplifting, there’s no grey area,” she said, her voice tinged with further frustration. “It’s cut and dry. Benjamin takes something, doesn’t pay for it, and boom—he’s done something wrong.

“But now, I have to wade through this minefield of internet slang and ask myself, ‘Is it okay to say ‘bussy galore’? Is that a thing we’re cool with now? Do I have to get on board?” Ugh, give me a Golriz scandal again will ya!”

More to come. 

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CAN’T CATCH A BREAK

A middle-aged Aucklander who happens to be a qualified lawyer has been having a run of bad luck lately. 

44 year old Golriz Ghahraman is discovering that many retail outlets, including Pak n Save supermarkets, are actually quite keen to stop shoplifting before it happens in their stores. 

“Why are people so obsessed with me when I just want to move on? It’s just a few bits and pieces from the supermarket right? They have insurance, what’s the big deal?” she asked reporters. 

Ghahraman was stopped by Pak n Save security late last year after she was seen putting grocery items into her tote bag before the checkout. No charges were laid and Ghahraman maintains she was intending to pay for the items. Following this she weirdly didn’t buy the items and instead left them in the store. 

“It’s like everyone’s watching me whenever I go anywhere, like if I go into a shop or something. Like, it’s seriously weird you guys,” said the 44 year old lawyer. 

Ghahraman was once a taxpayer-funded member of parliament, earning $180k per year, until she was caught stealing thousands of dollars worth of goods from four high end clothing stores last year. 

She believed the matter had been put to bed after doing a TV interview with John Campbell, where she was definitely filled with remorse and didn’t think the whole thing was a big joke. 

“I said sorry, okay, oh my god. Did you not see me talking to John Campbell? This is so weird, these security people seriously need help.”

When asked if repeated shoplifting was something we should all expect from a middle aged woman, and not a 15 year old girl, Ms. Ghahraman dodged the question. 

“Like seriously you guys, you’re obsessed and you’re coming off looking weird. I’m actually really stressed out.”

More to come. 

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KEEPING UP APPEARANCES

A 40 year old woman from central Auckland turned heads today, as she opted for a shopping basket to carry her groceries as she selected them at Royal Oak Pak n Save.

This was despite having her own tote bag available, which would have physically been able to hold all her groceries as she made her way around the store. 

Mika Yousefi told reporters that even though she fully intended to pay for the items, it would be stupid to make security staff at the supermarket believe she was attempting to sneak food into her bag like some kind of shoplifter.  

“The tote bag was more for once I’d paid for my groceries and was carrying them out to my car. I was just picking up a few things, probably less than $150 worth, all up,” she said. 

“Would be quite weird and stupid to put the groceries in my own bag before paying for them right? Not only would people see me and think I was stealing, but it wastes time for the security people monitoring the CCTV.”

Yousefi shook her head in disbelief at the line of questioning from journalists on the scene. 

“I mean, why would you do that? Unless you actually were trying to take groceries out of the store without paying for them. 

“And then what happens if you get stopped by security before the checkout? Surely you’d just pay for the groceries right? It’d be pretty suspicious to then leave the store without any of the groceries you’d chosen, wouldn’t it?

“Anyway, I’m just walking around the supermarket with a shopping basket full of items and not looking like I’m trying to steal them. Couldn’t be doing anything more normal!” she laughed. 

More to come.

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CRIMINALLY LOW PRICES

Stickman, the national spokesman for Pak n Save, has said “enough is enough” after news broke that non-MP Golriz Ghahraman is now being investigated for shoplifting at their Royal Oak supermarket.

Ghahraman was convicted on four counts of shoplifting back in June, after stealing clothes from high end fashion boutiques in Auckland and Wellington. Today’s allegation however suggests she may have downgraded to pinching lollies from the pick n mix. 

Stickman, despite having no facial features, was visibly furious. 

“Stickman here! At Pak n Save, we keep prices low… BUT NOT THAT LOW GOLRIZ! You still have to pay!” he yelled at viewers during Pak n Save’s latest TV ad.

“When I said that our Meat Week prices were a steal, I DIDN’T MEAN IT LITERALLY GOLRIZ!”

Ghahraman had previously said that the stress of being an MP and being in the public eye had made her start slipping things from shops into her handbag. It would seem that not being an MP is just as stressful.

Greens leader Chloe Swarbrick was annoyed to find out her former colleague had been accused of more crime, but said there’s not much else she can do about it for the Greens’ image.

“Well look she’s already resigned from the party, so it’s not like we can make her resign again,” she said from the end of her tether.

“Just as I’ve said in the past it would be great if some normal people could come and join the Greens. Just normal, stock-standard people who care about the environment, but who don’t do anything weird or illegal.”

Swarbrick would not comment on whether the Palestinian keffiyeh she was wearing, gifted to her by Goriz, was stolen or not.

More to come.

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REALITY BITES

Former Green MP Golriz Ghahraman’s bid to clear her name for a crime she definitely did, took a sharp turn today. The Auckland High Court firmly denied her appeal to wipe her shoplifting convictions.

Following the conviction, the former MP tried to explain that it was all just a horrendous mix up and wanted to have the slate wiped clean, despite actually doing the crime she was rightfully convicted of. 

While Ghahraman expressed concerns that her criminal record could put a dampener on reviving her legal career, Justice Venning assured her that the Law Society probably wouldn’t care all that much and ensured her convictions would remain on her criminal record as they should.

As always, the good people of New Zealand, the regular men and women on the street weighed in on the saga.

“Wait, she did the crime and still appealed? That’s bold,” said Jenny from Hamilton, who confessed she wouldn’t even contest a parking ticket if she was in the wrong.

Simon from Lower Hutt was equally confused. “Not sure what part of ‘doing the thing’ and ‘getting caught for the thing’ she’s confused about. I’m just baffled why she thought she could appeal it!” 

Ghahraman would not provide comment, but was seen googling the search term “jobs that accept people with convictions”.

More to come. 

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“NOW, YOU’RE SURE?”

Chloe Swarbrick is leaving no stone unturned in her recruitment process, specifically the background checks of Benjamin Doyle, who is likely to be joining her in parliament as an MP shortly.

The decision to sharpen up comes after a hellish year for the Greens co-leader. Former MP Golriz Ghahraman resigned after being caught and ultimately convicted of shoplifting and now Darleen Tana is set to be kicked out of Parliament amid allegations of migrant exploitation. 

“We’ve had some… unique challenges this year,” Swarbrick explained to the Whakataki Times, her eyebrow raised slightly as if expecting a brand new debacle to leap out at her. 

“But I’m pleased to announce that Ben’s record is squeaky clean and we’ve got a crisp new keffiyeh ready to go.”

Swarbrick, who was initially brimming with confidence coming into the leadership position, was now twice bitten and three times shy, taking no chances with new recruits. 

“After Golriz’s troubles and Darleen’s situation with her husband’s bike business, we’ve had to, well, implement a few extra steps in our vetting process. I call it ‘Triple-Checking,’ because once was clearly not enough.”

Swarbrick said she asked Doyle more than once whether he’d done any kind of crime in the past, and to think really hard about it. 

“No shoplifting, no under-the-table business practices, no helping himself to school kids’ free lunches, nothing! We need to restore trust.”

“I’m just being thorough. We can’t afford any more hiccups,” – by which she meant colossal public relations disasters.

More to come. 
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TAKE THE L AND MOVE ON

Former Green MP Golriz Ghahraman, who is a household name in New Zealand for all the wrong reasons, insists that despite her recent run-ins with the law, she still harbours dreams of a future in the legal profession.

Despite being convicted of stealing over $9,000 worth of retail items from high end clothing stores, she has filed an appeal renewing her bid for a discharge without conviction.

Her argument will be that if she had a conviction to her name then it would make it more difficult for her to restart her career as a lawyer. In other words, she should not have to follow the law herself just because she wants to uphold it on behalf of others. 

Ghahraman’s appeal was scheduled to be heard in the High Court this morning before Justice Geoffrey Venning, who reserved his decision.

Our reporters spoke to everyday normal New Zealanders who voiced their opinions on Ms Ghahraman’s latest stunt.

“How can she even think she’s fit to represent anyone in court?” huffed Karen from Christchurch. 

“I can’t even comprehend how she thinks this is okay!” she said in utter befuddlement.

“Look, I believe in second chances, but this is pushing it,” sighed Sarah from Aro Valley in Wellington. “Maybe she should spend less time appealing and more time reflecting on her choices.”

“If she thinks she can practise law after admitting to stealing, she must really think Kiwis are idiots. I wouldn’t trust her to defend my parking ticket!”

More to come. 

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