MALL OF THE DEAD 

Outgoing Wellington Mayor Tory Whanau has promised to tackle one of the capital’s most neglected crises before she steps down as Mayor later this year— the zombie infestation of the Johnsonville Shopping Centre.

“Before I go, I need to fix the zombie problem here. It’s gotten out of hand,” said Whanau, gesturing toward a shadowy part of the foodcourt as tumbleweed rolled past an empty Subway kiosk. “The people of Wellington deserve better. And by people, I mean any living humans still willing to enter this mall and come out alive.”

Whanau today announced she would not be seeking a second term as mayor, but would hopefully leave the community in Johnsonville less frightened of stepping anywhere near their shopping centre.

“Look, it’s important we restore hope — and possibly human life — to this site,” said Whanau. “When you walk in there right now, it feels like you’re about to get bitten by a reanimated corpse hiding in a retail store that’s been abandoned since 2009.”

“The atmosphere in there is chilling,” said local shopper Denise Kirkwood, who visited the mall last week to get her phone screen repaired. “I swear one of the mannequins blinked at me. Either that or it was a former Glassons employee who’s been trapped there for a decade.”

“You walk in there and you’re always met with cold air, flickering lights, and a sense that something — or someone — is watching you from the old DVD store. Hopefully Tory can sort this before she steps down.” 

Whanau is expected to officially bow out of the mayoral race later this year, ideally after a few zombies have been rehomed.

More to come. 

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IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT

Wellington Mayor Tory Whanau has decided to make the best of an awkward situation by offering the incoming Crown Observer a deal on a reliable, pre-loved Honda Civic.

Local Government Minister Simeon Brown today announced his decision to appoint a Crown Observer to oversee Wellington City Council’s handling of the long-term plan. This follows concerns about the financial mismanagement and infrastructure woes that have plagued the capital for the last 20 years.

At a hastily arranged press conference outside Turners Car branch, Whanau stood in front of a well used Honda Civic, proudly holding up a sign that read “Civic for a Civil Solution: $2K Off for Crown Observers.”

Whanau, who previously admitted to selling her own car to make ends meet, leaned into the moment.

“Look, the city’s finances are complicated, and the government wants answers. But I’m hoping to smooth things over by giving the incoming Crown Observer a good deal on this Honda,” said Whanau, who is climbing the ranks as one of Turner’s top salespeople.

“I figure, if I’m going to be under their watchful eye, we might as well get off to a good start. And nothing says goodwill like a 2013 Honda Civic at a great price.”

More to come. 
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TORY FROM TURNERS

Wellington Mayor Tory Whanau has been working overtime today—not at Wellington Council, but at Turner’s Cars. 

A spreadsheet blinked ominously on her laptop as she crunched the numbers. How many cars could she offload before Chris Luxon and his “pretty concerned” government swept in to take control of Wellington City Council?

“I think if I sell five Mazdas by the end of the day, we’ll cover the shortfall in the library refurbishment,” she muttered, typing frantically into a demanding excel spreadsheet. “Maybe seven if I throw in some floor mats.” 

It had been a tough few weeks for Mayor Whanau. First, her public revelation that she’d sold her own car to help pay bills had set off a media frenzy. Now, after the Council’s dramatic decision to block the sale of its 34% share in the airport, the PM is concerned that he and the National Government will have to step in.

“If I can just sell a few more of these Suzuki Swifts, we might be able to avoid another rates hike,” she said, flashing a hopeful smile at a couple browsing the lot, trying to appear unphased by Luxon and Simeon Brown calling her Council “a shambles”

“Government intervention?” she laughed, leaning on the hood of a Honda Civic. “Not on my watch. Not if I can sell 50 more cars by Friday.”

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

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TORY FROM TURNERS

Instead of copping more flak over her recent media missteps, Wellington Mayor Tory Whanau has had some surprisingly good news – she’s reportedly in the running to replace Tina from Turners, New Zealand’s beloved spokesperson for Turners Car Auctions.

Rumours are swirling that she’s being considered to replace Tina from Turners, who’s fame is currently catapulting her onto bigger and better things.  

The speculation comes after Whanau recently claimed she sold her own car in an attempt to make ends meet amid the rising cost of living in Wellington.

“I’ve sold my car recently to help pay the bills,” Whanau confessed during a Newstalk ZB interview. Her words resonated so much that it’s now rumoured that Turners Automotive Group, who owes much of its success to Tina, are considering whether Whanau would be a good fit for their company. 

When asked why Turners is considering this major shake-up, the spokesperson was candid. 

“Tina’s been with us for years, and she’s done a fantastic job,” they acknowledged.

“But the market’s changed, and we need someone who can really connect with the everyday Kiwi – someone who doesn’t just sell cars, but knows what it’s like to scrape together every last dollar to afford one. 

“Tory’s experience, both as mayor and as someone who’s had to sell her own vehicle just to make ends meet, makes her an excellent candidate. 

“So we’re hoping we can put together an offer as good as the one she’s been given by Wellington voters.”

More to come.

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IT’S ROUGH OUT THERE

Tory Whanau gave her comms team an absolute bollocking today. 

It appears that the key messages they supplied her ahead of a Newstalk ZB interview failed to tell her not to say she’s doing it tough on $189,000 a year.

On Tuesday the Wellington mayor told radio host Nick Mills about how she’s had to sell her car to pay the bills, despite earning a very comfortable salary paid for by Wellington ratepayers. 

She apparently thought this would make her come across as down to earth and relatable, especially as she went to great pains to point out her “privileged position” multiple times. 

Senior Comms advisor at Wellington Council, Josie Hepburn says Whanau is regretting taking the interview in that direction. “Tory has calmed down now and has apologised to us for her outburst after the media reaction.

“It’s so hard for women right now because there’s so much misogyny in our country’s media,” she said without any hint of irony. 

“To be fair, probably not the best thing to talk about her own personal situation when there’s a lot of people on much, much less money than her.

“But she’s so brave just for putting herself out there and actually doing interviews with gross Newstalk ZB.”

Whanau would not comment on her personal budgeting, but she could well be allocating money into the wrong places, much like Wellington Council. 

More to come. 

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