ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY GUTTED

Wellington Mayor Tory Whanau is reportedly heartbroken after the hikoi that swept through the capital this week wrapped up in a single day. 

The protest over David Seymour’s Treaty Principles Bill, which saw somewhere between 35,000 and 50,000 people (depending on who you talk to), briefly turned Wellington into a bustling hub of energy and excitement—much to Whanau’s delight.

“It was like having a major festival in the heart of the city!” said Whanau, beaming as she surveyed Civic Square post-cleanup. “The energy, the foot traffic on Lambton Quay. It felt like it was Day One of the Wellington Sevens in 2007!” 

Whanau admitted she had quietly hoped the hikoi would linger, citing its potential to “reinvigorate” the city. 

“It’s no secret Wellington’s been a bit… subdued lately,” she said, carefully sidestepping the words “ghost town” and “dead “, as she prayed that Wellington’s public servants would just turn up to their place of employment instead of working from home.

 “I can’t complain too much. For one glorious day, the streets were alive. Shops were full, cafes had lines out the door, and some of those protesters even looked like they might stay and order a flat white or pay for an over priced craft beer.”

Whanau was also pleased to report no issues with Wellington’s temperamental water infrastructure during the event. 

More to come. 

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The post REINVIGORATING THE CAPITAL: Wellington Mayor Secretly Hoped Hikoi Would Turn Into Three Week Stay appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

VIEWERS ON DEMAND

TVNZ executives have reportedly turned to the unlikeliest of consultants to help with their ratings woes – ACT Party leader David Seymour.

It comes after Seymour attracted over 35,000 people who were part of the Hikoi in Wellington today to protest the Treaty Principles Bill at Parliament grounds, but also engaging those watching from afar online all around the country. 

“This guy got 35,000 people to physically show up in one place,” marvelled one senior executive at TVNZ. “Do you know how hard that is? We couldn’t get that many people to watch 1News if we paid them.”

TVNZ has so far this year made mass job cuts, canned popular iconic TV shows and also  recently proposed more cuts across its newsroom as they attempt to save $30m in revenue.

Seymour, for his part, remains amused by the situation. “It’s funny, isn’t it? TVNZ spends millions trying to figure out what people want, and here I am, getting an audience of people engaged in something they actually care about.”

When asked about his secrets, Seymour didn’t hold back. 

“Look, people want to feel heard. They want to debate ideas, even the uncomfortable ones. TVNZ’s trying to play it safe with feel-good content, and it’s not working. If you want an audience, you need to spark some real conversations – not just ask viewers to vote for the best pavlova recipe.”

More to come. 

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The post BIG TURNOUT: Executives At TVNZ Consulting David Seymour On How To Attract An Audience appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ACT leader David Seymour is being cheered by Wellington cafe and bar owners today, as tomorrow’s hikoi into the city is likely to provide a much needed boost to small businesses. 

The nationwide protest against ACT’s Treaty Principles Bill is attracting 30,000 people to parliament from around the country, and they will all have money to spend on coffees, filled rolls and most likely beers.

Additionally, hotel and motel operators around the Wellington region are already experiencing a bump in revenue.  

Seymour took a break from making coffees for a photoshoot at popular cafe Smith The Grocer to talk to reporters.

“Fantastic to see people getting out there and having their say, joining the conversation and buying expensive coffees at struggling Wellington cafes,” he said, wearing his signature grin. 

“Nothing stimulates Wellington’s local economy like a good old fashioned march on parliament.”

While protesters disagree with Seymour’s bill, pub owners this Tuesday evening won’t be disagreeing with the money coming in. Trax bar manager at Wellington train station Julie Walden is bracing for a surge in customers. 

“We’ve got a full team ahead of the protest, which is unheard of on a Tuesday. Have to treat it the same way we’d treat a Phoenix game at the stadium!” she laughed. 

Walden wouldn’t comment on Seymour’s bill, but gave the customers he’s attracting to Wellington two thumbs up. 

“Thanks David! More parliamentary bills from you please!”

Seymour meanwhile would not comment further on the bill, as he had people waiting on two flat whites and an Americano.

More to come. 

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