KEEPING OPTIONS OPEN

US President Donald Trump has confirmed he has “absolutely not ruled out” flying to New Zealand under the cover of darkness to capture Prime Minister Christopher Luxon, following the US military extraction of Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro.

Speaking to our reporters outside Air Force One, Trump said the New Zealand Prime Minister was “very grab-able”.

“Luxon, nice guy, very corporate, but a lot of Kiwis have been Tweeting at me saying, “Mr Trump, could you please kidnap Mr Luxon and he’s not very likeable, we want to get New Zealand back on track.”

Trump confirmed the probable operation would take place between 2:00 and 3:00am, as New Zealanders are “famously asleep and trusting at that time.”

“The middle of the night is the best night. Very few screens on. Very low vigilance nation,” he said.  “I hear they don’t even lock their cars there.”

The President suggested Luxon would be taken “swiftly but respectfully”, stressing that he has “great respect for men who wear navy suits and say ‘look’ before every sentence.”

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Christopher Luxon appeared unfazed, though notably standing several metres away from any helicopter and saying he was “focused on the real issues facing New Zealanders.”

“Look, I’m not losing sleep over it,” Luxon said, while flinching at the sound of a distant lawnmower.

“My job is to deliver for Kiwis. And if that means occasionally checking under the bed for the President of the United States, then so be it.”

More to come.

The post Trump Still Hasn’t Ruled Out Coming To New Zealand In The Middle Of The Night To Kidnap Luxon appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NO SKIN IN THE GAME

Jakob Hammond, a 29-year-old electrician from Christchurch, has expressed zero interest in the political events happening at the moment in the United States.

“I barely made it to the polling booth for our own election. Why would I be remotely concerned about a country I have never been to, don’t care about, and never will?” Hammond asked logically from his home on a small island nation with a population of just over five million.

“I honestly could not give a fuck.”

Donald Trump and Kamala Harris are the hopefuls to become the 47th US President, something that an electrician from the South Island could not care less about.

“I heard a bit about it on the radio while I was fitting some lights,” he explains, shrugging. “But seriously, mate, I’ve got enough on my plate as it is. Why are people chucking hissy fits about who should or should not be President? The only time I pay attention to the US is when the NBA finals are on,” Hammond concluded, speaking on behalf of many New Zealand males.

Women from around the country echoed the sentiment, telling our reporters they also couldn’t give a fuck about an election happening in a far off land they’ve never been to, nor want to.

More to come.

 
This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

The post Kiwi Bloke Couldn’t Give A Fuck About The US Election appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

COME ON, MAN!

In a shock announcement yesterday, the International Political Institute of Palmerston North (IPIPN), issued a reminder to the world that Joe Biden, the United States President who has not been seen for several weeks, is in fact still the President. 

Not only that, Joel Jacobsen, a spokesman for IPIPN, said that Biden will remain the President until the 20th of January, when whoever wins the election is inaugurated. 

“Not a lot of people realise that Joe is in fact still in charge, competently steering the American ship as the world descends into chaos,” he told reporters. 

“Yes, although the Democratic Party judged that Biden was not mentally fit enough to serve another four years in office, they did somehow believe that he was doing a fine job right now, and will be fine right up until January.”

Biden did make a cameo appearance at the Democratic National Convention, where he definitely nailed all the lines delivered to him on his teleprompter, but has been otherwise invisible since the announcement of Kamala Harris as the Democrats presidential nominee. 

Ms. Harris has apparently been bringing a lot of “joy and excitement” to Democrats, making various promises of what she would do if she was elected to office, forgetting of course that she is already in office. 

Jacobsen from the IPIPN emphasised that war is currently happening in Eastern Europe, the Middle East and possibly Taiwan shortly, and it would be nice to see the US President doing something. 

“Just quite weird isn’t it? War is happening everywhere, but the President of the United States is nowhere to be seen,” he laughed. 

More to come. 

Big fan of the Whakataki? Use the form on this page to become a Whakataki backer. You can also follow us on Insta.

The post REMINDER: The United States President Until January Is Actually Still Joe Biden appeared first on The Whakataki Times.