RATINGS RESCUE

After a string of job cuts, low ratings, and the existential dread of executives wondering if people remember that TVNZ still exists, the state broadcaster has finally found a lifeline: sport. Lots of it.

Next year, Kiwis can feast their eyes on the NPC, the ANZ Premiership netball, and the FIFA  World Cup. This move is one CEO Jodi O’Donnell is hoping will get actual people watching their platform, as opposed to just being on in the background at rest homes.

“We’re hoping paying for the World Cup will make people forget about Netflix, Disney+, and the crushing void of all our other programming,” O’Donnell said after making the bold decision .

TVNZ will screen All Whites matches free, presumably as a way of baiting people in. But if the casual punter wants to see all of the games, they will have to pay up. It’s being billed as a “game-changer,” which, in media-speak, roughly translates to: “We’re hoping people will give us money and forget that they’re already paying for Netflix and one or two other TV services.”

“Frankly, we tried everything else. Dramas, documentaries, cooking shows and people just… didn’t want to watch  any of them, or they found something better on another platform” she said, “ Turns out, if you show a live sport where no-one knows what the result will be, people will watch to find out.”

“Honestly, if this works, we might even start dreaming about having a regular audience again,” she concluded, while also being quite serious.

More to come. 

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ROAD TO RUIN

The brains trust at TVNZ have once again made the opposite of a good decision.

The much-loved Anna Burns-Francis and Hayley Holt are among the latest casualties in the state broadcaster’s ongoing quest to save $30m in revenue. They are set to bid farewell to their roles on Breakfast and the sports news respectively. Officially, the duo “chose to leave.” But anyone with a functioning sense of reality can see through this.

TVNZ have once again decided to get rid of likeable familiar faces in an attempt to keep people watching their platform. The network’s executives apparently believe that stripping down the talent roster is exactly what will attract more eyeballs to the struggling outlet.

An unnamed executive spoke to the Whakataki Times reporters this afternoon.

“We’ve been looking at the data, and it’s clear that the more familiar faces we get rid of, the more people will flock to their TV screens. Who cares about viewers getting attached to talented, relatable hosts?”

“You know, Anna and Hayley have been good at their jobs for years, and frankly, that’s the problem. People feel too comfortable with them. We need more unpredictability. Get rid of the faces they love, and they’ll have no choice but to watch… just to see who’s next.”

While the rest of the industry is exploring new avenues to engage with audiences, TVNZ’s executives have decided that the secret is to fire their way to popularity.

More to come. 

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VIEWERS ON DEMAND

TVNZ executives have reportedly turned to the unlikeliest of consultants to help with their ratings woes – ACT Party leader David Seymour.

It comes after Seymour attracted over 35,000 people who were part of the Hikoi in Wellington today to protest the Treaty Principles Bill at Parliament grounds, but also engaging those watching from afar online all around the country. 

“This guy got 35,000 people to physically show up in one place,” marvelled one senior executive at TVNZ. “Do you know how hard that is? We couldn’t get that many people to watch 1News if we paid them.”

TVNZ has so far this year made mass job cuts, canned popular iconic TV shows and also  recently proposed more cuts across its newsroom as they attempt to save $30m in revenue.

Seymour, for his part, remains amused by the situation. “It’s funny, isn’t it? TVNZ spends millions trying to figure out what people want, and here I am, getting an audience of people engaged in something they actually care about.”

When asked about his secrets, Seymour didn’t hold back. 

“Look, people want to feel heard. They want to debate ideas, even the uncomfortable ones. TVNZ’s trying to play it safe with feel-good content, and it’s not working. If you want an audience, you need to spark some real conversations – not just ask viewers to vote for the best pavlova recipe.”

More to come. 

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MANIFEST 30 MILLI

TVNZ announced their bold new strategy to get them out of financial ruin this afternoon – appointing degenerate gambler Tim Naki as the new Head of Investments. 

CEO Jodi O’Donnell, who has been losing more money than the hapless punters at SkyCity Casino (conveniently located next to its Auckland headquarters), has called on Naki to try to get the state broadcaster back in the black with $30m in savings.

“Tim has a proven track record of risk management,” O’Donnell said, speaking to disillusioned and disengaged staff today. 

“Look, I haven’t exactly had many decent ideas to boost revenue myself,” she candidly admitted, while coming to a realisation that proposing to eliminate the 1News website in the digital age might not be the brightest idea.

O’Donnell was optimistic about Naki’s potential. “If Tim can manifest a million from blackjack, then $30 million—or even half of that—would help us greatly,” she said, clearly banking on Naki’s ability to pull off another miracle.

Naki could not be reached for comment as he was busy warming up with a two hour pokie session at a nearby gaming lounge. 

More to come. 

This story was brought to you by the good bastards at Fat Bastard Pies. Order some of their hefty pies online and have them delivered fresh overnight, anywhere in NZ.

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COST CUTTING

After a tense 1 o’clock all staff meeting today, employees at TVNZ were somewhat relieved to survive another day at the struggling station. 

While many expected to hear of proposed job cuts, what they heard instead was that their office instant coffee brand was being downgraded to save money. 

The already affordable Gregg’s “Original Blend Red Ribbon Roast” has officially been struck from the office supplies order sheet, replaced with a Pams alternative from Pak n Save. 

It would appear that this change perhaps would not be enough to fill TVNZ’s $30m fiscal hole, despite Pams being one dollar cheaper than Gregg’s per 100g. 

The morning beverage reshuffle was part of a suite of changes announced, including a call for staff to make their own savings proposals, and the complete shutdown of the 1News website. 

TVNZ Web admin Sarah Fuller believes winding up the website that she spends all her time on could somehow be a good thing for her in the long run. 

“They’ve got plans to expand the TVNZ + app so I’ll definitely be moving over to that team. I’ve got lots of ideas for that, so it’s quite exciting,” she said naively. 

“It’s a shame about the coffee though.”

Dave Adler from the ad sales team took time out from scrolling Trademe Jobs to speak to reporters. 

“I think I’ve got very transferrable skills, with my strengths being in sales. Believe it or not, I’ve been selling ad space to businesses on a website no one even visits,” he said, referencing the soon to be gone 1News.co.nz. 

“It would probably be easier to sell ice to eskimos!”

TVNZ’s Wellington office would not comment on how the switch to Pam’s Cafe Roast would impact the Wellington hospitality industry. 

More to come. 

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WHAT COST OF LIVING CRISIS? 

Logan Durran, a 29 year old customer service operator from New Plymouth, is a regular user of TVNZ+, a free streaming app he uses for light entertainment.

Previously Mr Durran has been a paying customer of both Netflix and Amazon Prime, but has had to cut both of these from his budget due to the rising cost of everything. 

But now with the news that TVNZ is going to set up their own subscription service, it seems he and his partner Ruby will need to cut back on a few essential items so they can continue receiving their exceptionally high quality content. 

Durran was doing his supermarket shop at Pak n Save when he spoke to reporters.

“Yeah it’s a bit annoying but I suppose I can cut down on the amount of meat I buy each week. Just got to do what we can to keep getting our TVNZ. Wouldn’t want to miss out on all the really great shows that are all better than Netflix and Amazon,” he said as he winced at the price of blade steak this week. 

“Maybe I’ll see if Ruby will be okay with turning off the heat pump and just layering up with blankets instead. Perhaps every second shower could be a cold one.”

As he grabbed two bottles of budget 2L milk, he spoke about the wider problem he and his partner face when it comes to being entertained in the evenings. 

“The big problem here is there’s simply no way of getting free TV from the internet. TVNZ was the one and only option. We’re left with no other choice,” said Mr Durran as he made his way to the cheese section. 

The shopper noted that the price of a kilo of Colby at Pak n Save had remained steady at nine dollars, but said that wouldn’t be enough to keep the TVNZ running. 

“Sometimes you just need to sacrifice and focus on the essentials.”

More to come. 

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