CRUSADE ON

Long-suffering Chiefs supporter Tim Revell, 32, has reportedly spent the last 48 hours in a depressive spiral after witnessing his team lose a third straight Super Rugby final, this time to the Crusaders, again.

But in a moment of rare perspective, Revell says he has managed to lift his mood slightly — by reminding himself that at least he’s not caught in escalating US-Iran tensions in the Middle East.

“Yeah look, I’ve been absolutely down in the dumps. Can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t scroll Instagram without seeing David Havili holding another bloody Super Rugby trophy. But I’ve started telling myself — ‘Hey Tim, at least you’re not stuck in Iran wondering if Trump’s gonna drone strike your driveway,’” said Revell, still sitting in his Chiefs jersey from Saturday night.

“Honestly, if I see one more TikTok or Instagram video of the Crusaders fans doing the ‘Crusade On’ chant in slow motion, I might delete the whole app and start exclusively watching depressing world news,” said Revell, still reeling from the Chiefs 16-12 loss.

When asked how he plans to recover, Revell said he’s taking things one bad news cycle at a time.

“I’ll probably just keep watching international conflict coverage for a while. Might switch to Gaza or Yemen next, just to keep things in perspective.

“Like I said, could be worse. I could be in Iran. Or worse still — be a Blues fan. At least we made the grand final.”

More to come. 

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TOO MANY HOURS IN A DAY

Krystal McKinskey, a 25 year old from New Jersey, is taking practical steps to counter the looming “Tiktok ban” in the United States. 

The customer support pro admits she does not post much on Tiktok herself, but she does use the popular video sharing app to make hours of her day vanish, seemingly instantaneously. 

McKinsey says she is on the lookout for any new apps that could fill the void that TikTok is about to leave.

“I use Instagram reels and Youtube shorts a bit. They try to copy the TikTok scroll, but it’s just not the same. There’s something special about the Tiktok algorithm that really makes the day disappear instantly and permanently,” she outlined fondly. 

“Like, the world is just so boring you know, there’s literally nothing to do out there. I don’t know what people used to do all day?”

US President Joe Biden made the decision that the Chinese app would be banned in the US from this Sunday (American time) unless ByteDance was able to sell the American operations to an American buyer. Incoming President Donald Trump has said he will review this decision when he comes back into office next week. 

Ms. McKinsey meanwhile is open to any and all suggestions for how she can continue to delete precious time from her life without TikTok. 

“I tried X this week, but things just seem a bit angry on there. Hmm, maybe another streaming platform? I’ve already got three I pay for, but the problem with them is it’s not so easy to swipe away a TV show if it’s not doing it for you. 

“I dunno, maybe I should try painting or something. I’ve heard people say they lose track of time when they get into it. Maybe that could be me!” she mused, not realising she may have just stumbled upon a worthy pursuit. 

The interview then ended abruptly as McKinsey wandered off with her head in her phone, apparently extracting the final few moments of TikTok content she could. 

More to come. 

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NO SKIN IN THE GAME

Jakob Hammond, a 29-year-old electrician from Christchurch, has expressed zero interest in the political events happening at the moment in the United States.

“I barely made it to the polling booth for our own election. Why would I be remotely concerned about a country I have never been to, don’t care about, and never will?” Hammond asked logically from his home on a small island nation with a population of just over five million.

“I honestly could not give a fuck.”

Donald Trump and Kamala Harris are the hopefuls to become the 47th US President, something that an electrician from the South Island could not care less about.

“I heard a bit about it on the radio while I was fitting some lights,” he explains, shrugging. “But seriously, mate, I’ve got enough on my plate as it is. Why are people chucking hissy fits about who should or should not be President? The only time I pay attention to the US is when the NBA finals are on,” Hammond concluded, speaking on behalf of many New Zealand males.

Women from around the country echoed the sentiment, telling our reporters they also couldn’t give a fuck about an election happening in a far off land they’ve never been to, nor want to.

More to come.

 
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LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH

The widely ridiculed band of the 2000s, Nickelback are counting their blessings in 2024. 

While lead singer Chad Kroeger had felt left out at the time, he and his band mates are now quite pleased they didn’t get the invite to any of Sean “P Diddy” Combs’ infamous celebrity parties. 

“Turns out being an uncool, commercially focused soft metal band paid off in the long run,” said Kroeger as he held up a photograph from a Diddy party, while telling us to look at it. 

“We always felt like the outcasts of the music industry. A bit like high school, not getting invited to parties by the cool kids.”

Kroeger then put the photograph down after it was suitably acknowledged by the reporters in attendance. 

“In the end though, we’re all really pleased we were never drugged and videotaped committing heinous sex crimes,” he laughed. 

While rumours swirl on the internet about just how bad this guy is, we can confirm Diddy is in federal custody and has been accused of sexual assault by 120 different people. Without going into too much detail, there’s been speculation about which other celebrities are just as bad, if not worse than Diddy, and there have been many calls to “pray for Justin Bieber”. 

Kroeger also addressed the latest claims that Nickelback are actually good, something that journalists only began reporting earlier this year. 

“Just as well that  people only think we’re cool now that we’re all old and settled down with families. No chance of us staying out too late at an event anyway, let alone one of Diddy’s ‘freak-offs’,” said Kroeger logically. 

“Gotta admit I’m enjoying watching all this stuff come out though. Definitely going through the popcorn,” he laughed.

More to come. 

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COME ON, MAN!

In a shock announcement yesterday, the International Political Institute of Palmerston North (IPIPN), issued a reminder to the world that Joe Biden, the United States President who has not been seen for several weeks, is in fact still the President. 

Not only that, Joel Jacobsen, a spokesman for IPIPN, said that Biden will remain the President until the 20th of January, when whoever wins the election is inaugurated. 

“Not a lot of people realise that Joe is in fact still in charge, competently steering the American ship as the world descends into chaos,” he told reporters. 

“Yes, although the Democratic Party judged that Biden was not mentally fit enough to serve another four years in office, they did somehow believe that he was doing a fine job right now, and will be fine right up until January.”

Biden did make a cameo appearance at the Democratic National Convention, where he definitely nailed all the lines delivered to him on his teleprompter, but has been otherwise invisible since the announcement of Kamala Harris as the Democrats presidential nominee. 

Ms. Harris has apparently been bringing a lot of “joy and excitement” to Democrats, making various promises of what she would do if she was elected to office, forgetting of course that she is already in office. 

Jacobsen from the IPIPN emphasised that war is currently happening in Eastern Europe, the Middle East and possibly Taiwan shortly, and it would be nice to see the US President doing something. 

“Just quite weird isn’t it? War is happening everywhere, but the President of the United States is nowhere to be seen,” he laughed. 

More to come. 

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