NOISE POLLUTION

Dave Wilkes, 32, a public servant working for the Department of Conservation in Wellington, had high hopes for a productive day working from home.

Nestled in his cozy Lower Hutt home, he had planned to tackle his to-do list of email correspondence, report writing, and possibly even finishing that long-overdue strategic review on native plant conservation. But little did he know that his tranquil office space was about to be ripped apart by the sounds of a very different kind of “nature” outside his window.

“Honestly, I just don’t understand the need,” Wilkes muttered, eyeing his laptop screen, which was now filled with a mix of half-composed emails.

“I’m in a department that’s all about conservation—preserving nature, fostering quiet environments. And yet, here I am, trying to write a report about native ecosystems, and this guy’s out there making sure that not a single leaf remains in the vicinity of his front yard. For two hours!”

According to Wilkes, his neighbour Bob had already completed a significant section of his yard, but evidently, that wasn’t enough. 

“Hasn’t he finished? How long does it take? Doesn’t he know I’m over here trying to deliver value to the people of Aotearoa?”

More to come. 

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ALL WORK NO PLAY

Business analyst Jack Steele has a unique challenge this week – making it look like his focus is on the shared Word document he has open on his laptop instead of what is happening in the Blackcaps vs England test match in Hamilton.

A diehard cricket fan, the 35 year old knows his final days before Christmas are a delicate balancing act. On the one hand, he wants to prove to his manager that he’s a responsible and efficient remote worker. On the other, Kane Williamson is batting, and Jack’s flat-screen TV is only a chair-swivel away.

Logging into Microsoft Teams at precisely 8:59 a.m, Jack began his workday in true Wellington public servant style: by attending a 40-minute meeting where everyone reiterated what they’d already emailed the day before..

“It’s all about creating the illusion of engagement,” Jack explained, before pointing to a Teams message.

“I asked if anyone had trouble logging into one of the portals this morning in the Teams chat. That makes it look like I’m actively trying to get stuck into some meaningful work, while in reality I’m fully engaged in the Blackcaps building a massive lead against England.”

As Kane Williamson approached the 90s, Jack’s professional obligations took a noticeable hit. His status on Teams may have remained a calming green circle, but his focus was on watching Williamson hit his 33rd test century.

 “It was a big moment for Kane, but also for me—I’d managed to look busy while not missing a single ball.”

Jack is also unlikely to achieve anything meaningful in his job tomorrow as he’ll likely be watching another full day’s play with the Black Caps pushing for a comprehensive victory.

More to come. 
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INSTANT IMPACT

Senior HR advisor Amy Dalton may have switched off halfway through this morning’s group hui, but that wasn’t going to stop her from making a massive impact late in the piece. 

The 42 year old at the Ministry of Education knew exactly how to make the kind of splash that would let people know she was there, even though she really wasn’t, as she had joined the meeting online from home. 

“Will these slides be made available afterwards?” she typed confidently into the chat box of her Microsoft Teams interface. Dalton then sat there sipping her coffee on her couch, expectantly waiting for her recognition. 

Without fail, David Sealy who had chaired the one hour meeting with over 600 participants, spotted Dalton’s bombshell of a contribution. 

“And I’ve just seen in the chat, Amy’s asked will these slides be available afterwards. Yes, good point Amy, we’ll make sure those get emailed to everyone. Good call out,” he said dutifully. 

Brimming with confidence, Ms. Dalton then went back into the chat and wrote, “Thanks David. Great presso team!”, despite only having a vague idea of what the presentation was about. 

Dalton spoke to reporters post-hui to run them through her thought process.

“These kinds of presentations are great, but it’s also really handy to get the slides afterwards for future reference. I’m a really practical person, so I’m always on hand to double check if the Powerpoint slides are going to be sent out,” she said ably. 

“David’s a great GM, but he just doesn’t have the practical mind that I do. No attention to detail.”

More to come. 

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BEEN A WHILE

Devon Chalmers, a senior digital advisor at the Ministry of Education, was surprised at the state of his office desk this morning, having not seen it in the last four years. 

Chalmers said that the pod his team had been absent from had taken on a real ‘haunted house’ vibe, after many years of everyone working from home. 

“Quite a lot of cobwebs across our desks. Found a cockroach in one of the wooden drawers, which also looks like it could have borer, haha! 

“Amazing how things can just decay after a few years of total neglect,” he laughed. 

Chalmers’ also found a printed copy of the MoE’s 2019/20 annual report, which has never been opened. 

The 33 year old’s role at MoE involves making updates to content on the ministry’s various public facing websites, which he says is easily done from home on a laptop. 

“I don’t think anyone in our team is going to be more productive in the office. If anything there’ll be more distractions and we’ll get through the jobs at a slower rate,” he said while batting away a large spider. 

“We’ve never really done team meetings either, just worked through everything over email and through the job request form.”

Some believe the push for public servants to get back to the office is part of a quest to reinvigorate Wellington’s hospitality industry. This median-earning staff member however is reportedly not a coffee drinker and will be generally unhelpful in that domain. 

“Buying lunch has always been an expensive waste of money for me. But the system can squeeze a little more from my bus fares at least. 

“I’m not complaining though, it’ll actually be good to catch up with people face to face again. Definitely miss that side of it, and a change of scenery is good. 

“But it is odd that a centre-right government isn’t willing to just let the market adjust to the work from home trend. Thought that would be right up their side street!” he smiled.

The government would not respond to our questions about the total spend on insect and bug killer following this directive. 

More to come. 

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Lochie Jansen, a 30 year old “business analyst” at ACC, has opted for a change of pace today.

With the Prime Minister’s announcement that Wellington’s public servants will all be “going back to the office”, Jansen is proactively getting used to doing his questionable job in town instead of at home.

“Quite a strange feeling because I generally don’t have that much work to do,” he said to reporters this morning.

“Normally at home I’d get everything done that I’d been asked to, and then I’d just chill, maybe watch a few Youtube videos. But what am I supposed to do in the office? Gotta find ways to look busy!” he laughed.

Jansen has reported that he has a selection of spreadsheets he has open on his screens at all times, along with a Microsoft Teams chat window. He also makes sure he is wearing his Jabra headphones at all times, with the hands-free microphone in position.

“I’ve identified that it is important to always look as if you’re on a call. Even if you’re not saying anything at your desk, just nod and say ‘yep, agree with that’ periodically,” he said knowledgeably.

When asked what he thought of the new directive from the Prime Minister, Jansen seemed unfazed.

“Just got to embrace change in an evolving environment, right? Quite interesting that Luxon wants to make public servants more ‘productive’ though. Like, what does he even mean by that? What do we produce?

“I think at the end of the day I just need to look busy and presentable, and I should be sweet.”

Jansen would not commit to the government’s goal of saving Wellington’s business community by buying cups of coffee. “Well, I don’t really have to buy coffee right? I can just drink instant in the office, which is paid for. Unless there’s going to be an org-wide KPI on how many coffees I buy?

“Anyway, I better go. Got a pretty important hui in five minutes,” he lied.

More to come.  

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NO WAY!

A new report released by the Wellington Public Servants Association Of Wellington (WPSAW), has confirmed what many have feared.

WPSAW’s Laura Jamieson (she/her) has confirmed that when compared to travelling into the capital, 90% of Wellington public servants actually prefer the sensation of comfortably logging into their work computers from home.

“The numbers don’t lie unfortunately,” said the 30 year old as she sipped coffee from her trendy keep cup (made by herself at home and not a Wellington small business owner).

“It turns out that it is very, very convenient to not spend up to two hours a day travelling to and from work. Who knew!”  

A separate report on business closures in the CBD says that 50 shops in Wellington’s “Golden Mile” are currently vacant, blamed largely on public sector job cuts and the “WFH” phenonmenon. Multiple media sources have described the city as “dead” or “dying”.

“The other problem is, once your favourite coffee cart shuts down for good, there’s even less incentive to come into the office. So with barista-made coffee being a major motivator for the average Wellington public servant, a bit of a vicious cycle is emerging,” Jamieson said while fiddling with her rainbow lanyard.

Hamish Waldorf, 35, logged into Microsoft Teams from home to talk about his experience of not travelling into Wellington.

“Just so much easier, and my work is actually better off because I can log in earlier than I normally could. I get way more work done!” he lied.

“Best thing about working from home though is that you don’t have to physically be in Wellington,” laughed Waldorf, looking out the window of his Upper Hutt home, where the weather always seems to be nicer.

WPSAW have made no efforts to encourage more people to try and revive the city, uncharacteristically saying that this is something for the “free market” to solve.

More to come. 

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