SELWYN’S SAVIOUR 

Flood-stricken residents in Canterbury were given a morale boost today as the unmistakable shape of the Aratere ferry powered its way through flood waters.

The recently retired Interislander ferry was seen slicing through knee-deep flooding, captained by none other than Deputy Prime Minister Winston Peters.

“This government talks a lot about resilience,” Winston bellowed from the captain’s deck,   “So I said to Christopher [Luxon], ‘If the streets are rivers, then by god we need a boat,’” he said, chucking down sandbags and lifebuoys to locals.

The ferry was reactivated by Peters as part of what he described as a “hands-on” coalition-led emergency response to the flooding in Christchurch, which is now in a state of emergency

Selwyn resident Jason Harte, 46, stood knee-deep in water and stared in disbelief.

“I thought the rain had made me hallucinate. But no — there he was. Winston Peters, yelling at ducks to get out of the way and driving a bloody Cook Strait ferry through our suburb,” Harte said.

Another onlooker, 28-year-old   Sophie Lambert, was less concerned about the emergency and more impressed by the drama.

“Honestly, I’d never seen a ferry through Selwyn,  or a politician do anything useful in gumboots. Winton’s come down and done a better job than our council.” she said, packing a sandbag Peters threw down to her.

While some questioned the legality and safety of the operation, Peters remained defiant.

“Just because the ship’s past her prime doesn’t mean she can’t serve the country,” he barked from the upper deck, throwing sandbags down to the locals in Selwyn.

“And if you absolute dunces in the legacy media were doing your jobs properly, then you’d already know that!”

More to come. 

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BALANCED REPORTING

Radio New Zealand presenter Corin Dann is in recovery mode today, after a heated exchange with New Zealand First leader Winston Peters. 

The interview made headlines as Peters expressed his desire to cut funding to Radio New Zealand, calling it “an abuse to the taxpayer” for its “woke leftist ideology”. 

Dann was called “a disgrace to the mainstream media” and accused of being biased towards left wing political parties.  

As a way to bounce back from mean old Winston Peters, Dann has now booked in three interviews for the next three weeks with none other than the leader of the Greens, lovely Chloe Swarbrick. 

“This will be good I think. A good way to just reset and get back on an even keel,” said Dann, still shaken from being told he’s a waste of taxpayer’s money.

“I just need a few nice chats with Chloe, where we can nod along together and agree on things. That’s what the listeners want, pleasant conversations.” 

Dann says he will need a bit of time before he interviews Winston again, and a few strong cups of tea with Chloe. 

“Look, Winston’s always going to be Winston, but honestly, I think he’s getting worse in his old age,” said Dann, shaking his head. 

“Imagine thinking that letting men into women’s bathrooms was a bad idea!” he laughed. 

Peters meanwhile took some time out of his social media drafting session to say this to the Whakataki Times:

“Whaka what? What a load of bulldust! If you woke lunatics in the mainstream media could do your jobs properly for once in your lives, then you’d already know my view on this. 

“Heard of social media? I’ll say it again. Corin Dann is an arrogant, wokester loser.

“Have a great day.”

More to come. 

The post Corin Dann Books In Three Nice Chlöe Interviews To Make Up For That Mean Winston One appeared first on The Whakataki Times.