LOOKING THE PART

Finance Minister Nicola Willis has reportedly spent much of this week wondering whether a newly purchased black hooded cloak and full-sized scythe might be “a bit over the top” for upcoming media appearances announcing further public sector job cuts.

Willis was seen by members of her family pacing around her modern Wellington townhouse late Tuesday evening while wearing the floor-length cloak, occasionally stopping in front of a mirror to test different ways of holding the scythe.

“She kept asking whether the hood should stay up during interviews or if that made it look too theatrical,” said one of her daughters. “She asked if black leather gloves made it feel too ‘Marvel villain’.”

The outfit testing comes after the government confirmed thousands more public service roles will be slashed across Wellington over the coming years as departments continue cost-cutting measures.

Willis reportedly defended the look while speaking to friends over herbal tea and a bowl of veggie crisps.

“I’m not trying to make a statement, although I s’pose I am,” she explained. “I just think if you’re fronting up to announce another wave of restructuring, you should look professional. You know, polished. Cohesive.”

She added that the scythe was “mostly symbolic” and said she had no immediate plans to try and get it past parliament security.

Neighbours say they briefly spotted the Finance Minister standing silently on her balcony at dusk earlier this week while the cloak moved in the Wellington wind.

“I honestly thought my time had come and Death himself had arrived to take me,” said local resident Aaron McKenzie. “Then I realised it was just Nicola doing media prep.”

Political commentators say the outfit could ultimately help lighten the messaging by making the government’s intentions feel “refreshingly transparent”.

More to come.

The post Nicola Willis Unsure Whether New Outfit For Media Appearances Is Too Much appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FORCE FIELD ACTIVATED

Wellington-based policy advisor Jasmine Warburton, 31, was shocked to hear today that the government plans to slash nearly 9000 public service jobs like hers over the next year. 

In a pre-budget speech Finance Minister Nicola Willis said there will be about 8700 job losses by mid-2029, saying “the back-office of government still looks like an eighties relic, run on old-fashioned systems, with slow bureaucratic processes that are too often about box-ticking rather than improving outcomes”.

Ms. Warburton, while surprised by the announcement, said she has a secret weapon up her sleeve to avoid the carnage, pulling out a second rainbow-patterned lanyard she obtained at the Ministry of Bureaucratic Integration and Engagement. 

“Shh, don’t tell anyone I’ve got this. They’re as rare as hen’s teeth and almost impossible to get if you’re not part of the club,” she whispered to our reporters in a level 2 breakout room. 

“No-one’s going to try and sack someone who wears the rainbow lanyard, so logically the managers will have no chance against someone with two on.”

Warburton said the rainbow lanyard has mystical powers in her office, and that the people that wear them seem to attract nothing but success. 

“If you’re anointed with the lanyard of sunlight and rain, it’s a positive signal to others that you’re just a good person, and generally better than others,” she said as she placed the lanyard over top of the one she was already wearing with her ID card. 

“I can use this second lanyard for my snapper card, which I use on public transport to save the environment because I’m a good person.”

Tier 4 manager Suzanne Redford wasn’t sure about the lanyards holding mystical powers, but did say that Ms. Warburton’s logic was sound. “They’re not magic but they’ll definitely repel managers looking for people to sack. There’s just easier targets out there that won’t be as much of a problem.” 

Ms. Warburton meanwhile was not available for further comment, as she was apparently keen on arriving early for the daily waiata practice. 

More to come. 

The post Public Servant Applies Second Lanyard To Ward Off Evil Government Job Cuts appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ATONEMENT

TVNZ political editor and on-camera shouter Maiki Sherman has reportedly been instructed to wear not one, but three rainbow lanyards around the office this week, following what some insiders are calling a “values misalignment incident” at a parliamentary drinks event last year.

Other insiders have called it “Maiki getting visibly drunk and yelling ‘faggot’ at a gay journalist”.

The corrective measure came after what sources called a “robust but ultimately affirming” internal process. Senior figures concluded that a visible commitment to inclusion would address the situation, and if anyone disagreed with them then they’d be hearing from their lawyers.

Sherman was seen entering the newsroom today with the three lanyards layered neatly over one another, creating what one colleague described as “a strong visual statement, that was also quite difficult to look at.”

“This is what I believe,” Sherman reportedly told colleagues loudly, denying that her multiple lanyards were a punishment. “I’ve always been an ally, this is just me leaning into that more visibly. Three feels like the right number.”

She said the added weight around her neck had been “a useful physical reminder” to stay aligned with organisational values.

A senior public sector advisor said the decision struck the right balance between accountability and maintaining morale.

“You don’t want to overcorrect,” he explained. “But equally, one lanyard in this context could be seen as performative. Three signals sincerity without escalating things into a fourth, which we all agreed would’ve been excessive.”

Sherman is now allegedly considering whether a fourth lanyard might actually be appropriate on Fridays.

More to come.

The post Maiki Sherman Made To Wear Three Rainbow Lanyards In The Office As Punishment For Her Sins appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

RED ALERT

The brains trust at TVNZ management has introduced a new Traffic Light System designed to help HR staff determine which internal crisis is currently most urgent.

It comes after today’s allegations of senior Political journalist Maiki Sherman allegedly using a homophobic slur aimed at Stuff’s Lloyd Burr. While the traffic light system is meant to help executives determine what needs the most attention, it would appear everything is already red. 

The move follows a series of recent challenges for TVNZ, including heightened political scrutiny after National Party MPs raised concerns over the conduct of TVNZ reporters in Parliament corridors, describing one interaction as “aggressive” and “door-adjacent.”

Separately, the Prime Minister’s office has confirmed Christopher Luxon will not be appearing on TVNZ’s Breakfast programme in the near future.

An unnamed TVNZ executive spoke to our reporters. 

“This is a sophisticated prioritisation tool,” one senior executive said. “Not every crisis is equal. Some are red, others are… slightly more red. To be honest, everything just seems to be coming up red. Today’s one with Maiki should really be a blinking red with a siren!” 

“Previously we had chaos,” they said. “Now we have colour-coded chaos. That’s a step forward at least. A small win for us, we sort of need a win.” 

TVNZ management also explained that some of the journalists in the newsroom were being asked to help HR staff out due to the fact the HR department was becoming more busy than the actual newsroom.

“HR’s now our busiest department by a distance,” one insider said. “There was a moment this week where HR had more ‘live situations’ than the newsroom, which is impressive, in a concerning way.

In attempts to interview Maiki Sherman, our reporters were just shouted at from a distance and couldn’t publish the comments.

More to come.

The post TVNZ Management Introduces Traffic Light System To Track Which Crisis Is Most Urgent appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ALL ADDS UP

New Zealand Prime Minister Leigh Hart, formerly of Moon TV and Sportscafe fame, says it’s the little things that will end up getting us through this fuel crisis. 

Hart held a press conference this afternoon to say that when you’re driving somewhere, why not try parking a kilometre or two short of your destination and then walking the rest of the way. 

“Look it’s a win win for New Zealanders. What the people want is to use less petrol and to fit in more exercise. Everyone’s so busy these days, it’s hard to do both. But surprise surprise I’ve been the one to figure all that out,” he said. 

“People might say it’s missing the point, and that petrol still costs too much, but those people are bloody stupid. At the end of the day, if you spend less, then it costs you less.”

Hart says the biggest benefit of his new scheme is there’s no admin involved and it won’t cost the government any more money. 

“Look we did the subsidy thing for people that really need it, and I think it’s working but geez that was a muckaround to get sorted.

“End of the day, it’s common sense that’s going to get people over the line, not some squirrely bureaucrat in Wellington.”

Opposition leader Chris Hipkins rubbished the idea, saying the cost of petrol is definitely the government’s fault, before quickly disappearing to avoid any unrelated questions about his party’s pandemic response. 

“Well, this is the government of the day and Mr Hart should have been prepared for an oil shock like this, and the reality is he just wasn’t. Okay, no more questions? Good, thanks.”

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Hart revealed more detail for his new scheme. 

“See what you do is you set up your satNav or ya Google Maps and just pre-plan how far away you’re going to park from where you actually need to be. I’d pull up short by a kilometre most days, but I’d go two if I’m feeling keen and I’ve got the time.”

More to come. 

The post TAKING THE LEAD: Prime Minister Says To Park A Bit Down The Road To Save Money At The Pump appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ELECTRIC SILENCE

Justin Price, 32, discovered the true cost of being different. While colleagues at his Christchurch office groaned about the skyrocketing petrol prices, Justin, a proud EV owner, found himself ducking behind his laptop to avoid “the shame of privilege.”

“It started on Monday,” Justin recalled, sipping his ethically sourced oat milk. “I mentioned, very casually, that I hadn’t filled up a petrol car in a while. Within two minutes, everyone was telling me how $3.10 unleaded 91 was going to bankrupt them, and I realized… maybe silence is golden.”

Indeed, petrol prices in New Zealand have surged dramatically, with unleaded 91 jumping 10 cents in two days, pushing the average past $3.10, nearly a 20% increase in less than a month due to the war in Iran. 

Diesel wasn’t spared either, climbing nearly a dollar to an average of $2.80. Fuel stations ran dry in some areas, panic-buying whispers filled the air, and Finance Minister Nicola Willis urged calm.

Justin, however, remained the elephant in the room.

 “I really wanted to say something about how I charge my EV car at home for the price of a café latte, but the office really wasn’t ready for that conversation,” he admitted. “Now, I just nod, make sympathetic noises, and occasionally ask which petrol station has the lowest price. It’s… complicated.”

Justin’s newfound restraint may be saving office morale, but it hasn’t come without internal suffering. “It’s hard,” he confessed. “Every time someone groans about paying $3.10 a litre, I want to scream, ‘I haven’t been near a petrol station at all!’ But then I remember that silence is cheaper than an argument, and probably better for everyone’s blood pressure.

More to come.

The post Local EV Driver Quickly Learns To Keep Quiet During Office Chat About Petrol Prices appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SIDEWALK SAVINGS

Digby Jones, 33, from Christchurch, has heroically swapped his two-minute drive to the dairy for a ten-minute walk, citing “responsible petrol use” as fuel prices edge towards $3 a litre.

Jones bravely completed the ten-minute trek, all to save a few cents while global tensions in Iran keep petrol costs sky-high with a flow on effect to New Zealand.

“I just can’t justify $3 a litre for petrol. Not going to burn through that just to come grab a bottle of milk,” Jones said, puffing slightly, despite barely clocking up a kilometre.

Fuel prices across New Zealand have been climbing due to the conflict in Iran, pushing petrol in Wellington close to $2.89 per litre and Auckland around $2.60-$2.90.

New Lynn drivers are already paying $3.18 for unleaded, meaning people such as Jones are now voting with their feet.

“I’ve considered taking the bus, but then I’d have to interact with other human beings. That’s where I draw the line. Next time, I might even walk to the next suburb. Who needs petrol these days anyway?” Jones explained, feeling good about his stance against the global petrol chaos.

“Honestly, by the time I get back, I feel like I’ve done the dairy run and had a light cardio session. Double win!”

More to come.

The post PETROL PRICE CRISIS: Local Man Walks Ten Minutes To Dairy Instead Of Driving appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

U-TURN

Ben Fraser, 34, from Christchurch, who once achieved the rare and deeply confusing feat of failing his full driver licence practical test says he feels “cheated” by the Government’s newly announced changes to the licensing system. The changes mean people going from their restricted to full license won’t actually have to sit the test at all.

After failing his full licence in 2010 as a teenager, Fraser says today’s announcement has reopened emotional wounds he thought had healed, but very clearly have not.

“Every time I hear the words ‘practical driving test,’ my eye twitches and my mind goes back to when I failed my practical with that douchebag of a driving instructor,” he vented. “And now these kids won’t even have to sit a practical test at all? They just get their full license without doing anything?” 

Under the Government’s proposed changes, drivers will no longer need to sit a second practical test to progress from a restricted to a full licence, a move Transport Minister Chris Bishop says will make the system cheaper and more efficient and cut costs by around $80.

“I earned my damn licence the hard way. Failing once and then having to pay to resit the whole thing again. Now they’re just handing them out like free samples at Pak’nSave? 

“Teenagers just get everything bloody handed to them these days don’t they,” Fraser concluded, explaining that he’s now permanently suspicious of anyone under 25 behind the wheel.

More to come.

The post Local Man Who Somehow Failed His Full Licence Feels Cheated By New Changes appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DOPPELGANGER DANGER

Comedian Leigh Hart has issued an urgent clarification today: he is not, and has never been, New Zealand Prime Minister Christopher Luxon, just in case any US military helicopters happen to be on the prowl in Auckland.

“I wanted to clarify in case I got taken away by the US military in the dead of the night to a foreign country,” Hart explained, “President Trump, I am not Luxon. I repeat: not Luxon and never have been. Please triple check you you have the actual PM of New Zealand before you mistakenly abduct me,” explained Hart while on the lookout for any MH-60 Blackhawks flying overhead in Auckland.

The urgent plea comes after US President Donald Trump left open the possibility of “midnight retrieval operations” on foreign leaders, following his extraction of Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro.

Hart admitted the resemblance could be confusing to some.

“We both wear suits occasionally, we’re both Kiwi, born a day apart, same haircut, but that’s where it ends. I negotiate deals with chip and beer suppliers, not free trade agreements and I am not currently the Prime Minister of New Zealand,” Hart said, while wincing as a helicopter flew overhead.

“I have never run a country. The closest I’ve ever come to doing something for the nation was to distribute one chip to every Kiwi with Snackachangi and then I even had to pull out of that,” Hart concluded while taking off to an unknown location to avoid detection just in case the US military and FBI were tracking him.

Luxon himself declined to comment, reportedly busy installing extra locks on his doors.

More to come.

The post Leigh Hart Clarifies That He’s Not Christopher Luxon Just in Case Trump’s Planning A Kidnap appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

KEEPING OPTIONS OPEN

US President Donald Trump has confirmed he has “absolutely not ruled out” flying to New Zealand under the cover of darkness to capture Prime Minister Christopher Luxon, following the US military extraction of Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro.

Speaking to our reporters outside Air Force One, Trump said the New Zealand Prime Minister was “very grab-able”.

“Luxon, nice guy, very corporate, but a lot of Kiwis have been Tweeting at me saying, “Mr Trump, could you please kidnap Mr Luxon and he’s not very likeable, we want to get New Zealand back on track.”

Trump confirmed the probable operation would take place between 2:00 and 3:00am, as New Zealanders are “famously asleep and trusting at that time.”

“The middle of the night is the best night. Very few screens on. Very low vigilance nation,” he said.  “I hear they don’t even lock their cars there.”

The President suggested Luxon would be taken “swiftly but respectfully”, stressing that he has “great respect for men who wear navy suits and say ‘look’ before every sentence.”

Meanwhile, Prime Minister Christopher Luxon appeared unfazed, though notably standing several metres away from any helicopter and saying he was “focused on the real issues facing New Zealanders.”

“Look, I’m not losing sleep over it,” Luxon said, while flinching at the sound of a distant lawnmower.

“My job is to deliver for Kiwis. And if that means occasionally checking under the bed for the President of the United States, then so be it.”

More to come.

The post Trump Still Hasn’t Ruled Out Coming To New Zealand In The Middle Of The Night To Kidnap Luxon appeared first on The Whakataki Times.