ROSEMARY ABBOTT | National
FORCE FIELD ACTIVATED
Wellington-based policy advisor Jasmine Warburton, 31, was shocked to hear today that the government plans to slash nearly 9000 public service jobs like hers over the next year.
In a pre-budget speech Finance Minister Nicola Willis said there will be about 8700 job losses by mid-2029, saying “the back-office of government still looks like an eighties relic, run on old-fashioned systems, with slow bureaucratic processes that are too often about box-ticking rather than improving outcomes”.
Ms. Warburton, while surprised by the announcement, said she has a secret weapon up her sleeve to avoid the carnage, pulling out a second rainbow-patterned lanyard she obtained at the Ministry of Bureaucratic Integration and Engagement.
“Shh, don’t tell anyone I’ve got this. They’re as rare as hen’s teeth and almost impossible to get if you’re not part of the club,” she whispered to our reporters in a level 2 breakout room.
“No-one’s going to try and sack someone who wears the rainbow lanyard, so logically the managers will have no chance against someone with two on.”
Warburton said the rainbow lanyard has mystical powers in her office, and that the people that wear them seem to attract nothing but success.
“If you’re anointed with the lanyard of sunlight and rain, it’s a positive signal to others that you’re just a good person, and generally better than others,” she said as she placed the lanyard over top of the one she was already wearing with her ID card.
“I can use this second lanyard for my snapper card, which I use on public transport to save the environment because I’m a good person.”
Tier 4 manager Suzanne Redford wasn’t sure about the lanyards holding mystical powers, but did say that Ms. Warburton’s logic was sound. “They’re not magic but they’ll definitely repel managers looking for people to sack. There’s just easier targets out there that won’t be as much of a problem.”
Ms. Warburton meanwhile was not available for further comment, as she was apparently keen on arriving early for the daily waiata practice.
More to come.
