THE GAME OF LOVE

Sky TV is reportedly preparing for a “noticeable uplift in casual engagement metrics” this weekend after All Blacks selectors confirmed Ruben Love will start in the upcoming Test,  a decision already being described internally as “broadcast gold.”

Twenty-three-year-old Aucklander Sophie Pethica says she has suddenly found herself  extremely interested in tomorrow night’s All Blacks test against France.

“I’d seen Ruben play for the Hurricanes a few times and knew he was in the AB’s frame. But when I saw he was named yesterday, I ended up feeling flushed for the rest of the day,” she said, while also having a scroll through his Instagram.

Pethica added she was “not usually that into rugby,” but admits she sort of has a strange crush on Ruben, much like she had with the guys from One Direction growing up.

“My dad thinks I’m finally getting into the All Blacks. I haven’t corrected him yet. I keep saying it’s about the team, but I’ve also checked the starting XV about six times just to be sure.” 

Sky TV, meanwhile, has confirmed it is bracing for a spike in what one executive referred to as “non-traditional rugby curiosity demographics.”

“We don’t like to reduce audiences to narratives,” the spokesperson said, before adding, “but yes, we’ve noticed significant interest spikes when certain players are named, and Ruben Love is… very effective in that space.”

More to come. 

The post Female Viewership Of All Blacks Test Set To Surge With Ruben Love Named To Start appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MY HOUSE MY CASTLE

A Christchurch couple looking to buy their dream home have admitted they spent an entire open home quietly whispering renovation ideas to each other, despite not actually owning the property, having an offer accepted, or even knowing if the kitchen walls could legally be removed.

Kelly Tate and Jeremy Higgins, who are searching for their first home in the prestigious Christchurch suburb of Merivale, said they knew within seconds of walking through the property that they had entered the dangerous “imaginary renovation phase”.

“We hadn’t even made it past the front door and Jeremy was already saying, ‘Imagine this wall gone and some nice timber beams here. ’” said Kelly.

The couple said they were grateful to have the guidance of Harcourts Holmwood real estate agent Max John Collinson-Smith, who remained calm throughout the unofficial renovation brainstorming session.

“Max was brilliant,” said Kelly. “We were basically standing in the kitchen whispering about knocking things out, and instead of looking terrified, he just calmly talked us through what was realistic. But before we got carried away with a house we don’t even own, he explained the whole process.”

Jeremy said Max’s experience helped bring the couple back to earth.

“He has this great ability to let you dream but also gently remind you that houses require things like budgets, builders and council approvals. Good to have a guy like Max John on our side.” he said.

“At one point I said, ‘We could probably open this whole area up,’ and Max gave us a serious look and gave us some really practical ideas while discussing that we would need to seek professional advice before starting a project like that. He didn’t kill the dream, but offered to organise a private viewing for us to bring our builder friend in to give his opinion before we put pen to paper. 

“Buying your forever home is a huge milestone, and it’s completely natural for people to start imagining how they could make a place their own.” he said.

“Sometimes the hardest part is balancing the excitement with understanding what’s achievable. A good property conversation is about seeing the potential while keeping expectations realistic.”

More to come.

Disclaimer | This story is based on real events but names and some points have been changed for this article. Max John Collinson-Smith is a licensed Sales Consultant under the REAA 2008 | #MaxJohnRealEstate

The post Couple Spend Entire Open Home Whispering Different Renovation Ideas To Each Other appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MORE SLOP I SEE

A 30 year old man from Wellington has just accepted the “Te Aro Services to the Community Award”, for his tireless work pointing out “AI slop” to people on social media, just in case they couldn’t tell. 

Regan Reynolds says it is his mission to label all AI-generated social content “slop”, regardless of how interesting or entertaining it might be. 

“Doesn’t matter what it is. If it’s made with AI, then it’s slop. And anyone using AI is a sloppy, sloppy slop merchant,” said Reynolds during his acceptance speech. 

“Facebook is just such a slop factory these days. I can spot an AI-generated image or sequence of text from a mile away. Most people can’t see all the slop everywhere but I can.”

Reynolds says to get through a heavy workload of adding the slop label to every comment section that deserves it, he sets aside hours each day. “Mostly I’ll just include it as part of my regular scrolling schedule. It doesn’t take much to stop and write a comment pointing out how sloppily AI something is. Most people just don’t make the effort I guess,” he told reporters later. 

Reynolds has also taken it upon himself to earnestly label some opinions “right wing”, selflessly keeping people safe from unapproved views. 

“Some people just don’t understand how dangerous and subtle these misinformation accounts can be. Lots of stuff they say can sound really normal and common sense unless you’re smart like me.”

Mr Reynolds declined to give any examples of “slop merchants with yucky thoughts”, saying he did not want to give them “a platform”. 

More to come. 

The post Local Man Accepts Community Service Award For Using Social Media To Point Out “AI Slop” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BAN KIDS OR DIE TRYIN’

Prime Minister Christopher Luxon recently told reporters “we’re gonna die trying to do something” on social media ban, which most will agree was a weird thing to say. 

And while critics will say no one asked him to ban social media for under 16s, and that no one has ever campaigned on a promise like that, Luxon maintains that the key strength of the policy is that it’s easier to do than make people’s groceries less expensive. 

“Look what I will say is that this is about protecting our young people from social media. And although we said we’d sort the cost of living, turns out that’s quite hard and it’d be easier to just ban kids from Instagram,” he said, ignoring the fact that Australia has already tried and failed to do the exact same thing. 

“What I will say though is that this is all absolutely to keep our kids safe, and it has nothing to do with social media being a place where teenagers might see weird opinions like thinking National or Labour might not be a good thing for the country,” he said with his hands deep in his pockets, as is his trademark. 

“And LOOK, what I WILL SAY, is that I haven’t seen any evidence that says we’re developing digital ID so we can track the online behaviour of every single New Zealander.”

With the election just round the corner, Luxon seems keen to impress kiwis with his ability to deliver something, anything, whether people asked for it or not. 

“Look the theme of this coalition government is delivery, and what I will say is that we have absolutely delivered on that promise to deliver lots of delivery.”

More to come.

The post Luxon Says Best Thing About Social Media Ban Is That It’s Easier To Sort Than Cost Of Living appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

POLICY OVERLAP

Prime Minister Chris Luxon and Labour leader Chris Hipkins have finally realised their shared love of power and disdain for New Zealanders make them perfect for each other. 

The two Chris’s have performed the legendary “fusion dance”, fusing their bodies and souls together to become the 7 foot tall, 250 kilo juggernaut, “CHRIS LUXKINS”.

It is believed that with polls for both National and Labour in decline, and the country’s growing desire to vote for gross minor parties, the two major party leaders were left with no other option. 

“CHRIS like votes. Give CHRIS votes now!” grunted the hulking creature at its first press conference. 

“Puny whiny New Zealanders want low cost of living. CHRIS want more AI and digital ID!”

One journalist at the press conference was picked up and thrown 20 metres by the goliath after asking about electricity prices. 

“NO ELECTRICITY FOR YOU!” roared LUXKINS, who insists on his name being spelt in all caps because he’s massive. 

Now that there is only one major party in New Zealand politics, which some are calling “Natbour”, voters are expected to look to the edges for nationalists, populists and champagne socialists for some kind of hope this election. 

“NO MORE ELECTION! Give crown to CHRIS now, stupid New Zealanders,” it roared as it brought the press conference to an end, chasing screaming journalists out of the press gallery and towards Lambton Quay.

More to come.  

The post GRAND COALITION: Chris Luxon And Chris Hipkins Finally Fuse Together To Become One Giant Chris appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MISSION DRIFT

An Auckland woman who confidently announced she would “just pop out for some milk” has returned home 25 minutes later carrying a bag containing ice cream, lollies, a pie, but with the milk being suspiciously absent.

Flatmate and eyewitness Dan Dodson says the original plan was straightforward. “She literally said milk and that’s it. We even said she should get some other bits if she wanted and she said nah, just milk,” he said, still holding an empty coffee.

The woman, 32-year-old Jess Harper, maintains that the outcome was entirely reasonable given the circumstances.

“Look, I went in there fully intending to get milk,” said Harper, unpacking a selection of impulse purchases from Night n Day Henderson. “But then you see the freezer, and it’s all right there. You think, fair enough, I’ll grab something small.”

Harper says the decision-making process escalated quickly once inside the store.

“They’ve just got everything laid out. It’s clean and easy and you’re not mucking around. Next thing you know you’ve got a couple of treats. Could happen to literally anyone.”

She also touched on the “pie energy” she felt near the counter.

“I hadn’t planned on the pie but it just felt like the right move at the time. You trust your instincts in those situations.”

Retail behaviour specialist Mark Donaldson says the incident is part of a wider national pattern.

“Kiwis are incredibly optimistic when they say they’re just going out for one item,” said Donaldson. “Convenience stores like Night n Day are reliable and well-stocked, which can make them dangerous for anyone attempting restraint.”

At the time of writing, Harper has indicated she may head back out shortly to complete the original milk purchase, although confidence in the plan remains low.

More to come.

The post Woman Who Said She Would Just Grab Milk Returns Home With Ice Cream, Lollies, And No Milk appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NO PAYNE NO GAIN

For a brief, confusing window in sporting history, Tim Paine, the former Australian cricket captain was once the bigger name.

Paine held the role for a couple of steady years and was a big name in Australia and in international cricket. He then exited abruptly after a sexting scandal that turned his tenure from “rebuild era” to “don’t Google that era.”

On the other is Tim Payne, the All Whites footballer who has quietly gone from reliable squad member to global football oddity, now sitting on nearly six million Instagram followers and a World Cup berth with the New Zealand national football team.

It’s a reversal nobody scripted. For years, Paine was the internationally recognised “Tim”—the cricket captain, the headline name, the one people could vaguely place. Payne was the other one. The football one, but one many had not heard of.

Then the algorithm got involved. A couple of viral clips. A few tournament moments.  Now he’s the Tim.

Locals were asked for comment.

“I don’t really follow cricket,” said one Christchurch man. “But I definitely know Tim Payne. He’s the guy who plays for the All Whites, the global superstar. Good engine, gets up and down the wing.”

When informed there was also a Tim Paine in the sporting world, he paused.

“Is that the fella who coaches… or like… used to play rugby for Australia? Surely there can’t be.”

Another Kiwi was more direct.

“I’ve got no idea who Tim Paine is,” she said. “But Tim Payne? He’s always been the bigger Tim..”

More to come.

The post KIWI VICTORY: Tim Payne Now More Famous Than Australia’s Tim Paine Ever Was appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HAUNTED HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES 

The Greens released their tax plan last week, and to no one’s surprise, it largely involved taking more money from evil corporations and rich guys. 

But paranormal activity expert Ryan McGowan believes there is something supernatural going on that no one’s talking about. 

“The ghost of Golriz is haunting these halls,” he said, wide-eyed as he tested Chloe Swarbrick’s office for strange electromagnetic activity. “I can feel it.”

Golriz Gahraman famously resigned as a Greens MP after being caught taking things that don’t belong to her from various Auckland retail outlets. And while Gahraman is not actually dead, McGowan believes Gahraman’s spirit is haunting the Greens’ tax policy. 

“When I used the spectrometer on an actual printed out copy of “A tax system – For all of us”, the readings were off the charts. That thing is haunted by someone, or some thing, hell bent on taking things that don’t belong to them.”

Traditionally tax has been something that happens anytime actual money exchanges hands, however in the true spirit of Golriz Gahraman, this is not enough for the Greens. 

While tax is confusing at the best of times, the Whakataki Times economic expert Laurie Lightfoot, no relation to Gordon, attempted to make sense of the Greens plan.

“Basically if you’re a rich guy and you own stuff that’s valuable, you’ll need to pay the government a proportion of that in cash, every year, even if you don’t have actual cash because you haven’t sold anything,” said Lightfoot, adjusting his glasses as he read the green-embellished PDF off his laptop.

“It would almost be easier to have a policy that simply says ‘you’ll be fine as long as you just keep giving us more money’. That would be more to the point.”

Lightfoot says he doesn’t believe in ghosts and says this is all just good old fashioned socialism. 

“Honestly, your headline should have been ‘Local Woman Who’s Always Been Paid With Taxes Thinks There Should Be More Taxes’”.

More to come. 

The post GHOST OF GOLRIZ: Greens Tax Plan Haunted By Urge To Take Things That Don’t Belong To Them appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DIGITAL UNDERDOGS

The All Whites have attempted to shrug off the social media noise ahead of their World Cup clash with Egypt, after defender Tim Payne was confronted with the minor detail that Egypt’s Mo Salah has approximately 65 million Instagram followers, compared to Payne’s rapidly rising but still modest 6 million.

New Zealand enter tomorrow’s match as clear underdogs against the Egyptians, largely on account of their football pedigree, continental dominance, and, as it turns out, their ability to generate what some pundits are calling “physically intimidating follower numbers.”

Payne, who has recently become an unexpected online sensation following a viral campaign to boost his profile, dismissed the comparison entirely.

“Look, I don’t really get into all that Instagram stuff,” Payne said. “At the end of the day, you can’t pass a ball based on follower count. I’ve got 5.9 million real ones who know what I bring from the back.”

He paused briefly before adding: “Mo Salah’s got 65 million, yeah… but that’s kinda irrelevant.”

The All Whites coach Darren Bazeley angrily muttered to our reporters , “We’ve prepared for set pieces, not a global influencer economy.”

Payne, however, remains defiant about New Zealand’s chances.

“If football was decided on Instagram followers, I wouldn’t even bother turning up,” he said. “But it isn’t. It’s decided on tactics, effort, and occasionally someone just kicking it as far as they can and hoping for the best at times. That’s where we thrive.”

He also addressed the idea that Egypt’s online presence might affect the match psychologically.

“I don’t think Mo Salah’s 65 million followers are going to press high,” Payne added. “Unless they’ve been specifically coached to do that, which I doubt. We’re just here to play football”

More to come.

The post Tim Payne Says Instagram Is Irrelevant After Seeing  Egypt’s Mo Salah’s Follower Count appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DRAMA QUEENS

Barry Briggs, 72, from Greymouth, has officially declared modern football “more drama school than sport” after witnessing a FIFA World Cup match at his local pub on Saturday afternoon.

Briggs had settled in with a steady beer and what he described as “reasonable expectations of men behaving like men”, when things began to unravel the more he watched on.

“At one point you end up feeling like you’re watching a medical drama instead of competitive sport being played by grown men,” Barry said, shaking his head. “Every five minutes someone’s rolling around like they’ve been shot in the street, and the replay shows a very slight bit of shoulder contact. What are these drama queens doing? Just a bunch of Hollywoods!”

Barry said the turning point came when a forward went down clutching his face for no apparent reason, before proceeding to roll on the ground like a screaming child.

“For christ’s sake!,” he said. “Get off the ground and play the game. This isn’t a bloody theatre production!”

As the match continued, Barry became increasingly convinced the players were prioritising performance over football.

“They’re just a bunch of Hollywoods,” he muttered into his pint. “Spend more time acting than playing. Half of them would win Oscars before they’d win a tackle.”

More to come.

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