PERFORMANCE ENHANCER

TOP Party Leader Qiulae Wong has come under fire this week for running the 11 km race at the Auckland Marathon using another competitor’s race bib. And while many say choosing not to follow the rules of a fun run was bad enough, it can now be revealed that Wong did not disclose that she is in fact a humanoid robot. 

Race organisers say that being a literal machine instead of a biological human would have given Wong a clear advantage over other competitors, and that she should have declared it while also submitting a proper event registration form.  

Back in September this newspaper revealed Wong to be the newly released humanoid robot, code-named “Taxinda 2.0”, campaigning in conjunction with the so-called “grand coalition monstrosity” Chris Luxkins. 

Chris Luxkins Release Brand New Humanoid Robot Candidate For Natbour Taxinda 2.0

Her primary objective is to optimally extract cash from New Zealanders under what’s being called “the Taxinda protocol”. 

Wong has now asked Auckland Marathon to disqualify her, but still did not disclose the cybernetic nature of her entire being. 

“After learning of Runaway Auckland Marathon’s terms and conditions, I acknowledge that a name transfer was not completed before the cut-off time,” Wong told the Herald.

“I offered to have my result disqualified and accept that it is an appropriate outcome.”

Wong says she has been “too busy campaigning” to have been involved in the much more appropriate “Robot Olympics” in China earlier this year. 

More to come. 

The post Qiulae Failed To Inform Auckland Marathon Organisers That She Is In Fact A Cybernetic Robot appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WALLET WIPEOUT

For 36-year-old Tom Bates from Masterton, Melbourne Cup Day had started with something he hadn’t felt in quite some time: hope.

Having placed $50 across a couple of carefully selected bets, Bates had spent much of Tuesday morning entertaining the possibility that he might soon become considerably wealthier than he was when he woke up.

“I could just see it. Walking out of the TAB with absolute wads of cash in my pocket. Maybe stopping somewhere nice for a celebratory dinner and expensive pint. I hadn’t felt this optimistic in years.”

Bates said the morning had been filled with possibility, with the 36-year-old reportedly checking his betting slips several times and convincing himself that his selections were looking particularly strong.

“I was thinking, this could actually be it. Fifty dollars in, potentially hundreds or thousands coming out. It’s the sort of thing that changes your afternoon, really.” said Bates, who had put most of his money on the horse ‘Middle Earth’.

However, the optimism would prove to be remarkably short-lived as ‘Point of Law’ went on to win the great race.

Just three and a half minutes after the race began, Bates’ afternoon took a devastating turn, as his hopes of a lucrative payday began to unravel.

“I was still holding onto hope. I kept thinking, surely one of them is going to come through here at the post. Surely something is going to happen.”

But nothing happened.

As the horses crossed the finish line, Bates was left standing in the TAB, staring blankly into space as the reality of his financial situation slowly began to sink in.

“I just stood there for a bit. I didn’t really know what to do. Three and a half minutes ago I was a man with a plan. Now I’m just a man down fifty dollars.”

More to come.

The post Local Man’s Brief Feeling Of Hope Comes Crashing Down On Last Straight Of Melbourne Cup appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

PERCEPTION IS REALITY

Bevan Underwood, a 29 year old retail manager in a Wellington bookstore says this is the election that “will change everything”. 

Underwood, who has a loving partner and a reasonable job, says his life is going to ‘finally start getting better’ once the country votes out the government. 

“They’ve done nothing to fix the cost of living. Luxon’s had three whole years and he’s done nothing! How is anyone supposed to save up for a house deposit with this clown in charge?” he said to reporters breathlessly this morning. 

“It’s amazing how far this country’s slid in the last three years. I’ll be so happy once we get rid of this one term government,” he claimed in earnest.

Jason Dangerfield from the Electoral Commission holds a different view, which is that Bevan will in fact remain unhappy regardless of whether his team wins the election or not. 

“Bevan gives a lot of his attention to politics and has apparently been consuming quite a lot of news media, more than any sane person should,” said the concerned electoral psychologist.

“Does a man’s happiness come from the outside or does it come from within? Or does it come from whiny politicians yelling at each other in Wellington? I would say Bevan would benefit a lot from trying a new hobby or doing something helpful for a friend or a family member.”

Bevan Underwood has now apparently cast his vote and will likely spend this Saturday evening staring angrily at TV election coverage. 

More to come.  

The post Unhappy Bloke Who’s Voting In Election Predicted To Remain Unhappy Regardless Of Result  appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NATURAL JUSTICE

Christchurch man and notoriously one-eyed Canterbury supporter Craig Chamberlain has calmly accepted his side’s 43–24 NPC final victory over Northland, describing the result as “the only morally correct outcome” for New Zealand rugby.

Chamberlain, 61, who watched Canterbury secure yet another NPC title at One NZ Stadium on Monday, said he had never seriously entertained the possibility of Northland winning, despite the visitors leading 21–10 at halftime.

“Look, I think we all knew how this was supposed to end,” he said, sitting back in his Shirley lounge and slowly digesting the result. “Northland had their little moment in the first half, which was nice for them, but ultimately the NPC needed to go to the right people.”

The Canterbury loyalist said the sight of Northland heading into the sheds with an 11-point advantage had been mildly inconvenient, but not enough to cause him any genuine concern.

“I wasn’t panicking. Not at all. I just thought it was important we gave them a bit of hope before reminding them who they were playing and where they were playing.”

The 43–24 victory secured Canterbury back-to-back championships and their 16th NPC crown, a statistic Chamberlain said was “about where the competition should be sitting”.

He was also quick to dismiss suggestions that Canterbury had been far from clinical, pointing out that the team had still managed to score 43 points.

“People can talk about missed tackles, handling errors and whatever else they want. At the end of the day, 43 points is 43 points. You don’t get bonus marks for looking pretty.”

Asked whether Northland deserved credit for their physical performance and first-half dominance, Chamberlain paused before offering a measured response.

“Absolutely. They played well. Good bunch of lads. But there’s a difference between playing well and being morally entitled to win an NPC final.”

More to come. 

The post One-Eyed Cantab Calmly Digests Canterbury NPC Win And Declares It “Morally Correct” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FRIGHT NIGHT

The Greens’ Chlöe Swarbrick gave ACT’s David Seymour an early scare this week, when she paid him a visit wearing her finance minister Halloween costume a few days early. 

Swarbrick’s mostly symbolic costume consisted of a stylish pants suit and a name badge saying “Chlöe Swarbrick: Finance Minister”, which she accessorised by holding a printed book titled “Chlöe’s Whacky Economics Ideas”. 

Seymour was on the ground at his Auckland home sweating and hyperventilating when he was found by authorities. 

“It was like a horror movie,” he told reporters, still shaking. “The tax, ohh the endless tax on small business people and property owners. I just got this vision that the streets were flooded with the blood of innocent landlords.”

Seymour explained the menacing nature of his unexpected visitor. 

“She just stood there in her dark green pants suit, smiling. The maniacal smile of a psychopath. The words on her name badge ‘Chlöe Swarbrick: Finance Minister’ will remain etched into my brain for eternity,” said the ACT leader as he finally managed to calm down.

Swarbrick’s whereabouts are apparently unknown, as the last thing Seymour remembers was blacking out.

“I didn’t see her leave and I didn’t see where she went. I don’t remember anything. What if she disappeared into my house somewhere,” he said as his blood pressure began to elevate once more. 

“Oh god, she’s going to haunt me. What should I do? Do I need a priest to come and do an exorcism?” said the Deputy Prime Minister before running for his life. 

Parliamentary Services released a statement saying that they care about Minister Seymour’s wellbeing, and have sent him an email reminding him to reach out to EAP. 

More to come. 

The post TRICK OR TREAT: Chlöe Swarbrick Haunts David Seymour By Knocking On His Door Dressed As Finance Minister appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SCROLL ON BY

With social media users increasingly relying on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok to access content crucial to their work-outs, the over saturation of political material on social media is putting Hot Girl Summer under threat.

Recent polling of Whakataki Times readers has found that the volume of election coverage on their feeds has increased three-fold, hindering their access to lifestyle content that it is absolutely critical for them to view as summer approaches.

Two out of three Whakataki readers say their efforts to access gym-spo and see kittens misbehaving have been severely disrupted by coverage of the two Chrises and their small party counterparts.

The concern among many is that their efforts to build muscle throughout Shred-tember was thwarted by fiscal speculation and rumoured leadership spills, and now Hot-tober is under threat too. 

“If I don’t see hot girls in activewear doing RDLs, there’s no way I’ll be able to become a hot girl that does RDLs in time for summer!” Bemoaned one respondent.

Another told us that, “Seeing little kittens ride Roombas is how I get through leg day!”

With the election not scheduled until November 7, it is highly likely that social media feeds everywhere will continue to be clogged with orange-haired men, no-haired men, and the Orange Man. 

While the full impacts of this coverage are yet to be understood, there is growing concern that hot boys and hot girls will be in short supply this summer.

More to come.

The post Election Coverage Continues to Interrupt Gym Videos, Putting Hot Girl Summer at Risk appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NEVER SATISFIED

A Napier man working in a client-relationship role at Xero has said that he is completely prepared for the upcoming short week to not actually feel short at all. 

33 year old Brad Gordon says after a decade of working in office roles, he can no longer be fooled into thinking that the “four day week” deal is all it’s cracked up to be. 

“It always seems logical to think that a four day week, triggered by a Monday public holiday, will be easier than a standard five-dayer, but in fact, this is one of the biggest myths out there,” said Brad as he sat watching Netflix in an effort to relax. 

“Because you know what always happens. The same pile of work is there to get done, only this time you have four days to do it instead of five. Not actually such a great deal afterall is it.”

Workplace psychologist Jodie Sims says she’s never actually thought about it before, but says it makes sense. “Yeah actually that’s true isn’t it? By the time you get to Thursday after having Monday off you already start feeling like it’s been a slow week.

“There’s probably a study on it somewhere that you can google,” she said with the full amount of enthusiasm for her job she could muster. 

Brad meanwhile believes he can front-run his disappointment by inducing his usual mondayitis this Tuesday by having a few casual beers tonight to generate a mid-level hangover. 

“Seems counterintuitive doesn’t it, but this is how I’m going to win the week and get ahead of everyone who thinks a four day week is a good thing.”

Brad will now enter the short week with the same attitude he brings every other Monday. 

More to come. 

The post Local Man Straps In For Four Day Week That Will Inevitably Still Feel Like Five appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

IN THE HOT SEAT

Q & A’s Jack Tame got more than he’d bargained for when he sat down to interview the recently spawned “grand coalition monster” known as Chris Luxkins.

Luxkins entered this broken world earlier this year when Prime Minister Christopher Luxon and Labour leader Chris Hipkins performed the ancient “fusion dance” ritual, to complete the unholy union of their bodies, souls and political parties.  

During the interview the giant Chris was asked a pointed question about digital ID and central bank digital currency, triggering the megafauna to lunge forward, grabbing Tame’s arm before biting his whole hand off and spitting it out onto the desk.  

Tame somehow managed to remain professional during the ordeal. “It’s live TV and I have a responsibility to maintain a calm professionalism, even during the spicier interviews,” he told reporters from his hospital room where his new stub had been bandaged. 

“To be fair this is the first time a political candidate has literally bitten my hand off and eaten it,” said Tame, still appearing level-headed. 

Luxkins meanwhile made no apologies for his assertive leadership style. 

“Chris no like stupid Jack Tame questions on stupid TVNZ. Puny weaklings stay quiet when Chris in charge,” he said in his trademark broken English. 

Luxkins has previously been questioned over his aggressive style on his town hall campaign trail, where two undecided voters had their arms ripped out of their sockets. 

“No more questions!! Whakataki dumb dumb!” he roared at our reporter, who luckily escaped without being maimed by the hulking goliath. 

Luxkins then abruptly ended the interview and began chasing TVNZ stage hands out of the building, apparently because of a newly acquired lust for human blood. 

More to come. 

The post Jack Tame Tragically Loses Hand During Interview With Grand Coalition Monster Chris Luxkins appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

OUR YEAR!

A Wellington Phoenix fan has conducted a full scientific review of the club’s 2-1 win over Melbourne Victory today, and the results have been nothing short of astounding. 

35 year old Damian Watts says based on his experience watching the match live at Hnry Stadium, and taking into account that the team won the game 2-1, it appears that it is “our year”. 

“I couldn’t believe it when I saw the final results of my analysis,” said the Mt Victoria-based information architect. “They won the game, and the team looked really solid and really organised on the pitch. The only conclusion that I could come to was that it’s our year.”

Damian carried out his full analysis at The Old Bailey pub on Lambton Quay. 

“Multiple people at the table with me agreed that it’s our year. And they had all analysed the situation as thoroughly as I have,” he said before finishing the remaining contents of his overly tall Heineken glass. 

“And of course this is the club’s 20th year so of course that’s in our favour also.” 

In the meantime, Warriors fan James Cowey sent a stark warning to Damian about getting his hopes up, after his extended wait for a Wahs premiership since 1995 continues. 

“Ha ha seen it all before haven’t we. Every other year it’s our year. But it’s never come to anything,” he said, still jaded from the events of last month. 

“The season’s all shiny and new for you Phoenix guys, but don’t be fooled. Failure is just around the corner and hope is the worst thing you can hold onto,” said James, somehow unaware that his own hope and faith in his team will be recharged just in time for the 2027 NRL season. 

Damian meanwhile is enjoying the moment, ahead of a likely unplanned Monday morning hangover. 

More to come. 

The post Phoenix Fan Closely Analyses First Game Of Season And Concludes That It’s Their Year appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

REGARDS,

A Hamilton based marketing advisor felt a wave of relief earlier this week, after meeting one of her work colleagues in real life for the first time. 

Hannah Bellevue, 29, was convinced that John Kennedy, who had been emailing her for the last two weeks, must be some kind of cold, distant robot, which she figured based on the scary level of formality he injected into his email correspondence. 

“I’d be writing to him asking questions about the project he was managing so that I could help with some key messages, but it’s like an alien or an android was writing back to me,” she said, still calming herself down from the ordeal. 

“He’d be like ‘With regards to the cost recovery initiative, I believe it would be pertinent to adjust the tone of the message to give it the weight it deserves, relative to the sheer magnitude of its impact’. Like, has he put some extremely formal language prompt into AI?

“And if he wrote it himself, how long has he spent on writing an email like that? I think I’d rather get a basic email from ChatGPT at this point,” she said. 

Despite the distress caused by John’s emails, Hannah now reports that he was actually really normal and quite nice when she met him in real life. 

“I actually couldn’t believe I was talking to the same person. I was like “John? John Kennedy, who I’ve been emailing about the cost recovery thing? Amazing.”

John, 64, said this is how he’s always written letters, and it’s important to remain professional. “Haha, well how else are you supposed to write something? Do you want a beer? Hahaha, go on just have one,” he said to reporters at Friday office drinks. 

“Go on have a beer ya c***”.

More to come. 

The post Bloke Who Sends Monstrously Formal Emails Actually Quite Relaxed In Real Life appeared first on The Whakataki Times.