LOVE LOST

Labour leader Chris Hipkins has reportedly been left “deeply disappointed” after discovering Paul Henry’s controversial “Shoot, Shag, Marry” answer did not include any romantic interest in him.

ACT has been forced to issue a second clarification, this time confirming that Paul Henry not only does not want to shoot Chris Hipkins, but also apparently has no desire to shag or marry him either.

The clarification comes after Henry answered a Radio Hauraki question by saying he would “shoot” Hipkins, “shag” Winston Peters, and marry Prime Minister Christopher Luxon during a light-hearted game that has been played by awkward teenagers, drunk flatmates, and radio hosts for generations.

However, Labour sources were reportedly more concerned by what Henry didn’t say.

“Everyone is focusing on the shooting thing, but nobody is talking about the real insult,” one disappointed Labour insider said.

“He didn’t even put Chippy in the running. Not for a holiday fling. Not for a political marriage. Nothing.”

ACT leader David Seymour moved quickly to reassure the public that Henry’s answer was not a serious declaration of either romantic or violent intentions.

“We need to be very clear here: Paul Henry does not actually want to shoot Chris Hipkins, but he also does not want to marry him or have a romantic weekend away with him,” Seymour said.

“There is currently no evidence of a secret Chippy-Henry romance, coalition arrangement, or enemies-to-lovers political drama.”

Political commentators spent much of the day analysing the hypothetical shooting while overlooking the fact that it was just a silly radio show question that never should have become a news story at all. 

“Being shot in a joke game is one thing,” one analyst said. “Being completely ignored in the shag-and-marry categories is a much harder hit.”

More to come.

The post Chippy Hipkins Disappointed That Paul Henry Doesn’t Want To Shag Or Marry Him appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

RISKY BUSINESS

Wellington commuter Jared Cunningham, 34, was spotted recklessly sitting on the Hutt Valley line service to Wellington this morning, apparently letting no external content enter his consciousness at all.  

Cunningham reportedly had “no phone out, no headphones, just his own thoughts,” according to multiple reports from concerned passengers. Some worry that the Upper Hutt man may have been forced to “ponder things independently”. 

“I just hope he’s okay,” said 24 year old Sophie who watched the incident unfold from a relatively safe distance. “He was just sitting there, switching between staring down the aisle of the train and staring out the window.”

After taking a moment to compose herself, Sophie continued. “It would have been fine if he had some headphones or some air pods, but he just had nothing. What if he remembered something he regretted from a decade ago or if he started thinking about where he’s falling short in life?” she asked sympathetically. 

“Why would anyone take a risk like that?”

21 year old Zade Walker was more candid in his assessment of the contentless commuter. “Yeah that guy was a maniac, I spotted him as soon as I got on the train and went straight back in the other direction into the next carriage. You can’t trust people like that, it’s just not worth the risk.”

Cunningham, who thankfully completed his commute without incident, claimed that he “just likes looking out the window”. Our reporters were on the scene to dig a little deeper. 

“You just sit there and do nothing and it’s fine. Sometimes you have thoughts and it’s like listening to a podcast that creates itself in real time. It’s difficult to explain,” he explained in a disconcertingly calm manner. 

“Sometimes you can even have a genuinely good idea come to you, which you could write down on paper if you wanted to.”

Cunningham declined multiple offers to speak with a psychologist following his ordeal. 

More to come. 

The post Local Maniac Rides Train With No Phone Out, No Headphones, Just His Own Thoughts appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BLOODY RIDICULOUS

As the All Blacks lined up for the haka at Eden Park on Saturday night, New Plymouth based pub drinker Owen Drysdale expressed something that had been on his mind for quite some time. 

Although Drysdale later described the All Blacks 40-21 win over Ireland as “quite pleasing”, he couldn’t help himself from loudly saying to no-one in particular “If I was in charge at NZ Rugby, they’d wear black boots with black laces. None of this pink and yellow bullshit.”

Ryan Mansell, who had come across Owen in this pub before, said this wasn’t the first time he’d heard this kind of vocal opposition to the All Blacks’ grooming standards.

“He’s often got something to say about boots or hair cuts and usually ties it back to the All Blacks not spending enough time practicing their tackling,” said Mansell, enjoying a coke this morning with a cafe-style big brekkie. 

“Sometimes I wish he was in charge at NZ Rugby so he’d stop talking about all his ideas and just do something about it.”

As Drysdale re-entered the pub after emerging from the TAB next door, the self-styled rugby expert offered further commentary on the game. 

“Their defence was better, but it’ll be ten times harder to stop those South African bastards. Very big men,” he said, opting for a beer at 11 am. 

“The Springboks probably don’t take us seriously as it is, so at the very least we could try turning up there not wearing pink boots for god’s sake it’s bloody ridiculous!”

More to come. 

The post Old Boy At The Pub Says “All Blacks Should Wear Black Boots, None Of This Pink And Yellow Bullshit”  appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MEETING THE PUNTERS

The entity known as “mega Chris” (or “CHRIS” in all caps because he’s massive) kicked off its election campaign this week, starting in Palmerston North. 

CHRIS reportedly entered this world after the unholy union of prime minister Chris Luxon and Labour leader Chris Hipkins. Through the ancient and mystical “fusion dance”, the two fused bodies and souls to become the unstoppable force that many have called “an abomination”. 

The first of mega Chris’s in-person events was sparsely attended, with only a few people brave enough to venture to the Awapuni Community Centre to see the frightening humpy-dumpty-like creature. CHRIS did not put this down to the obvious unpopularity of the potential grand coalition of National and Labour. 

“Puny New Zealanders not know anything. Bad people, tiny brains. Need digital ID,” said mega Chris, making reference to Natbour’s social media ban for under 16s that will work once everyone’s internet use can be closely monitored. 

“New Zealand people whiny stupid losers. Bad people. Indians much better.”

As its ideas failed to connect with the people, tensions flared when two attendees dared to ask a question and had their arms pulled out. Dave Jamieson, 65, said that future in-person events would benefit from tighter security. 

“Usually when people talk about beefing up security, they mean for the politicians themselves. I actually think more people would come and hear what this freak has to say if they could be protected from being physically assaulted and maimed.

“Potentially armed security, although would bullets even work on it?” he queried in real time. 

You can find the full list of dates and locations for CHRIS’s violent election campaign on Natbour’s website. 

More to come. 

The post Newly Spawned “Mega Chris” Takes Natbour Campaign On The Road appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BEAUDEN BLUES

Hannah Fowler, 29, has today demanded answers from the All Blacks coaching staff after discovering veteran All Black Beauden Barrett has once again been left out of the 23-man squad to face Ireland, marking the third time in a row he has not been named for a test.

Fowler, who has proudly referred to Barrett as “her Beauden” since her teenage years, said the latest team naming had left her confused. 

“I knew he was getting older, but I didn’t realise I would have to start preparing for a life without seeing Beauden in that jersey every week. I’ve been there from day one, following him since he first burst onto the scene with that mop of hair,” Fowler said while staring thoughtfully into the distance.

While many New Zealand rugby fans have been excited by the rise of young playmaker Ruben Love, Fowler said she respects the hype, but believes nobody can replace the man who has held her heart since his Hurricanes days.

“I get all the talk is Ruben Love, and fair enough, he’s great. But there is nothing like my Beauden Barrett,” she said. “You don’t just replace a guy who has been your favourite All Black since you were a teenager,” said Fowler, who has also followed Beauden’s wife for a number of years on Instagram just to see more of Beauden.

“Everyone has that one All Black they think is theirs. Some people have Richie, some have Dan Carter. But Beauden has always been my guy,” she concluded.

More to come. 

The post Local Woman Demands To Know Where “Her Beauden” Is Following Latest All Blacks Team Naming appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

IT’S NOT COMING HOME

It was a difficult day for UK born football fan Jack Bryant, who this morning watched his beloved English national team get eliminated from the FIFA World Cup by none other than his most hated team, Argentina.

Bryant spent most of today pushing feelings of anger and disappointment deep down within himself, layering it onto his already hardened personality like sedimentary rock. He said that although he is gutted by the result, the disappointment provides a “comforting familiarity”. 

“I thought we were through. I thought we were going to hold on to that lead and make it to the World Cup final. I wanted it more than anything,” he told reporters as he stared a thousand yards into the distance. 

“But then it just didn’t happen. At first it was just shock and despair, but then I got this strange sense that as an Englishman, this is exactly what I deserve. I began luxuriating in the delicious, delicious failure.”

Bryant says he was angry at himself more than anything for having hope and belief.

“Seriously, who the hell did I think I was? Thinking that England could make it to the final. It’s not the English way!

“I’m already annoyed at my future self, who in four years time, will have the same dough-eyed belief that football’s coming home. It’s not Jack, get it through your head!” he yelled as he tapped his finger forcefully against his forehead. 

Bryant, who tends to believe everything’s “a bit shit” anyway, will now keep calm and carry on with life, justified in that belief. 

More to come.  

The post England Fan Adds Another Layer Of Disappointment To Personality appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ELECTION BUZZ

Bumble, a former broadcaster who delivered educational content to preschoolers between 1999 and 2002, has announced his intention to run for parliament.

Shortly after it was announced that former TVNZ broadcaster Paul Henry would be standing as a candidate for the Act Party, it would appear a second former broadcaster has been brought into the mix. 

Bumble says that the government and the wider public service bloat has gotten out of control, and they’re “simply too woke to function properly”. The 59 year old bumblebee even took a shot at his former employer TVNZ, which has “gone to the dogs” since he left. 

“Oh it’s an absolute shit show. Ridiculous organisation, and it’s actually really sad that it’s come to this, but I think the best option is to sell it off for parts,” he said as he sipped from a mug full of nectar. 

“The spending is out of control at TVNZ and they’re just taking the piss at this stage. Look, if I can teach preschoolers numbers and colours with a couple of mouse puppets and a fish, why can’t they do that now?”

Bumble said that TVNZ and Radio New Zealand are now more like left wing indoctrination centres these days, so they may as well just cut their losses and sell them. 

“Well look if they just went back to common sense content that people want to watch then maybe their ratings wouldn’t be so shocking. It’s not hard. Deliver the news and content that everyone can enjoy, and leave your opinions out of it,” he said before buzzing away from the interview. 

With Michael Laws, Paul Henry and now Bumble joining the election race, Kiwis will be eager to see what other current and former broadcasters jump on board. 

More to come. 

The post Former Broadcaster Bumble Will Run For Election As Act Candidate appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

RESPECT

32 year old vegan Calvin Menzies earned praise this morning when he revealed that not only did his coffee order not contain cow’s milk, it didn’t contain any other kinds of non-dairy milk alternatives either. 

Menzies confidently asked for a “large Americano” at Wellington’s Raglan Roast cafe on Tuesday, saying that “if you’re going to cut out animal products, don’t try and have it both ways by having fake animal products.”

He said that he mostly just endured the taste of black coffee, but “the buzz and the relief of that first sip is all that really matters”.

Clearly still in an opinionated mood, the software developer took time to share his explosive world view with both media and innocent bystanders. 

“Oat milk is a disgrace and anyone who drinks it is a phony,” he told reporters who were stunned to discover such division within the community. 

“Same goes for fake meat. If you want to eat meat so much, just eat it. Stop pretending to be a vegan and stop being a coward.”

Menzies was later accused of not being a “real vegan” himself, as he regularly eats eggs produced by his own chickens. “I’ve got pet chickens that we look after, they lay eggs and we eat them. Plus I never said I was a vegan, I just said oat milk is for cowards.

He then swiftly left the cafe, leaving onlookers with mixed views on his outburst.

Bystander and public servant Aimee Geraldine was left visibly shaken by the display, clutching her oat milk latte and feeling considerably less pleased with herself. 

“He can’t just say that to people. What the hell? That is not okay.”

More to come. 

The post Admirable Vegan Man Endures Black Coffee Instead Of Having Oat Milk Like A Coward appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SAFER BET

An Upper Hutt based comms and PR expert has said that Prime Minister Christopher Luxon could boost his overall result this election by simply not talking anymore. 

Recent reporting on Luxon telling people what his wife named his robot lawnmower appears to be a new tactic by the media to make him unvoteably cringe. With every off-hand comment turning into an opportunity for media to paint him as a soft-boiled egg, PR expert Simon Morgensen says maybe Luxon could just shush. 

“Literally don’t talk anymore. I mean, obviously do your little announcements and answer reporters’ serious questions, but apart from that just don’t talk,” said Morgensen as he enjoyed an indoor pint at Upper Hutt’s “Brewtown”. 

“There are people out there that probably voted for Luxon who just shake their heads when they see headlines like this. He wants to be taken seriously but he’s out there talking about his wife’s robot? You can see why people think the whole world’s a simulation when you see stuff like this.”

Morgensen also says Luxon could learn a thing or two from his coalition partners.

“You wouldn’t catch Winston talking to the media about his wife’s lawnmowing robot would you? He’s too busy calling journalists idiots and morons. And it’s working for him.

“For example if a journalist asks a question about a lawnmowing robot, you simply call them an idiot or a moron and tell them they aren’t doing their jobs properly. Never fails.”

Morgensen believes Luxon’s social media team are made up exclusively of Wellington Greens voters deliberately making him do stupid videos on Tiktok.

“It’s an inside job, obviously. Luxon is a man who trusts his advisors, and if your advisors don’t actually want you to win the election, that’s a problem.”

Luxon did not provide a comment, which his voter-base will be pleased about. 

More to come. 

The post Expert Believes Luxon Would Be More Relatable If He Didn’t Talk appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

THE EX FILES

Sophie Williams, 27 has become one of the first users to experience Instagram’s controversial new “emotional accuracy” feature, after discovering that “Somebody That I Used To Know” by Gotye and Kimbra now appears to play automatically when visiting an ex-partner’s Instagram account.

Williams said she was simply doing what thousands of people around New Zealand do after a breakup, checking up on someone she insists she has “completely moved on from”.

Williams, who split with her ex-boyfriend Jake earlier this year, said she decided to visit his Instagram profile after wondering what he had been up to.

“I wasn’t stalking him,” Sophie explained. “I was just having a quick look to see if he was doing okay, what he’d been up to, and whether he’d somehow changed his entire personality in the three months since we broke up.”

However, the routine Instagram investigation took an unexpected emotional turn when Sophie noticed the familiar opening notes of the 2011 hit begin playing the moment she opened Jake’s profile.

“At first I thought my phone was glitching,” she said. “Then I realised it was playing ‘Somebody That I Used To Know’ and I was like… wow, Instagram really knows exactly what I’m doing.”

Sophie said the timing of the song was “weird, but strangely comforting”.

“It actually made me feel better,” she admitted. “Because Jake is somebody that I used to know. Technically, that’s exactly what the song is about. It was like my phone was saying, ‘Hey, maybe looking at his profile for the fifth time today isn’t as strange as you think.’”

The new feature has reportedly been welcomed by recently single Instagram users, although some have questioned whether the technology is helping people move on or encouraging them to continue scrolling through old memories.

“I know it’s probably not healthy looking at his photos,” Sophie said. “But when the app plays a song reminding me he’s someone I used to know, it almost feels like permission to keep going.”

More to come.

The post New Instagram Feature Plays Kimbra’s “Somebody That I Used To Know” When Visiting Ex’s Account appeared first on The Whakataki Times.