BUILDING RAPPORT

A 30 year old project coordinator from the Ministry of Financially Understandable Decisions (MFUD) put on an absolute clinic this afternoon. 

After sitting through two hours of project updates from “subject matter experts” saying that an IT project that was two months overdue was definitely going to be delivered next week, Laura Dermott was in a less than happy mood. 

“They haven’t been able to make the software work in testing, and yet somehow they think it’s going to suddenly start working next week. Incredible. To be honest, after that meeting I was in no state to be sending emails to anyone,” she told reporters.

Despite her condition however, Laura somehow mustered up the strength to write an email to another subject matter expert that same afternoon. It would be fair to say that this display of whanaungatanga (relationship building) would go down in public service history.

“Kia ora Carolyn, hope you’re well. Good weekend?” she began her email to 44 year old Carolyn Jonnassen, who had been on sick leave four out of five days last week. 

And while this may seem normal on the surface, the important thing to remember is that Laura does not care about this woman’s wellbeing in the slightest. 

“I wrote it without even thinking. I don’t care if this person had a good weekend or if they’re well or not. I just need her to read the bloody comms plan I sent to her and give feedback on it,” she said later after the mask had completely slipped. 

“Will it make a difference? Will she send me what I need? I don’t know, and at this stage I don’t know if I even care. 

“All that matters is that I did my best, followed up, and it’s all recorded in this email paper trail. 

“And let me be really honest, I couldn’t give a fuck about this person – but if you read my emails, it looks like I do. And that’s all that matters.”

More to come. 

The post Employee Types “Hope You’re Well” In Email To Colleague She Doesn’t Care About At All appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MATTER OF FAITH

Christchurch man Scott Price, 32, has opened his fridge for the fifth time in 20 minutes this afternoon, apparently hoping a brand-new meal has somehow appeared.

Price arrived home from a long day scaffolding shortly after 4:30pm, before immediately beginning the familiar routine of opening the fridge, staring inside, and then closing it again.

His girlfriend Katie has watched the process unfold several times.

“I don’t know what he’s expecting,” Katie said. “It’s the exact same food that was in there five minutes ago.”

Scott, however, remains optimistic on his chances of something worth eating appearing out of nowhere.

“Sometimes you just need to give it another look,” he said.

“I’ve got a feeling something good might turn up.”

When reminded that the contents had remained unchanged since his previous inspection, Scott said he understood that logically, but maintained that “things can happen.”

“I’m pretty sure there was something in there earlier that looked alright.”

Katie said Scott had already rejected several perfectly edible options in the fridge.

“He said he didn’t feel like leftovers, didn’t want toast and apparently making something is ‘a bit much’ after work. Honestly, I don’t care if he just gets Uber Eats at this point.”

More to come.

The post Man Opens Fridge For Fifth Time In 20 Minutes Hoping New Food Has Appeared appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

THINK OF THE CHILDREN

Education Minister Erica Stanford has finally found support for her social media ban, after both National’s Coalition partners told her it was a dumb idea. 

Stanford, convinced that Act and NZ First must just be stupid or something, turned to the newly spawned monstrosity Chris Luxkins, also known as MEGA CHRIS. 

Luxkins formed after prime minister Christopher Luxon and Labour leader Chris Hipkins decided that their politics were so indistinguishable, they may as well fuse bodies and souls to become a frightening humpty-dumpty-like entity. 

Luxkins says the ban on social media for under 16s will keep kids safe and will be a great way to ban VPNs and keep New Zealanders in line by issuing them all a digital ID. 

“Chris keep kids safe. Erica smart. Puny New Zealanders too stupid for social media,” grunted Mega Chris outside parliament today. 

Stanford meanwhile believes banning social media for under 16s has wide support, although she still hasn’t said how she intends to make every single New Zealander prove that they’re over 16 just so they can use a major part of the internet. 

“It’s technical and we’re still working out all the details,” she said confidently, knowing full well that the establishment is losing control of the narrative and something drastic needed to be done. 

“It’s really technical, don’t worry about it,” she laughed. 

More to come. 

The post Erica Stanford’s Social Media Ban Bill Gets Support From Grand Coalition Mutant Chris Luxkins appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

INVESTING IN THE FUTURE

Labour leader Chris Hipkins dipped his toes into the world of economics this week, as he allegedly asked experts a question that had been on his mind for quite some time. 

Hipkins had seeked the wise counsel of economists at Treasury today, where he asked “what exactly do we mean by ‘surplus’, and what will it cost us to buy one?”

The former prime minister also asked whether it was within the Treasury’s remit to borrow more money in order to achieve Labour’s goal of achieving a surplus. 

“If there’s one thing we know, it’s that you have to spend money to make money. Investing in the future is vital to New Zealand’s future. Now I understand that a surplus is a good thing, but my question is, what does surplus actually do, and do we have enough money in the budget to buy one?” he asked the group of confused looking men. 

Treasury economist John Jonnassen says he wanted to tell Hipkins that a surplus is when a government spends less money than it collects in one year, but was unable to get a word in. 

“He kept talking about the idea of a surplus as if it was some kind of money-making mechanism, or a sovereign wealth fund. I just couldn’t get across to him that it actually means you spend less of people’s money,” said Jonnassen.

“Eventually I did manage to tell him the truth, but he didn’t want to hear it. He got out his wallet and started literally throwing money at me to try and get me to give him a different answer.”

Hipkins would not respond to claims that during election time, all you need to do is say things.

More to come. 

The post Chris Hipkins Asks What A “Surplus” Is And Whether He Can Borrow Money To Buy One appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CHEER UP

Walter Wright, 78, reportedly entered his local pub ready to unleash a lengthy list of complaints about the All Blacks, only for his plans to be scuppered when they put five tries past South Africa and cruised to a comprehensive 33-16 victory. 

“I’d already had a go at the selection,” Wright said. “Then I was going to complain about the kicking, the discipline and the fact we’d probably bottle it in the second half. But we didn’t even get any yellow cards.”

The biggest problem, according to Wright, was that the All Blacks had actually played well.

“They scored five tries. FIVE,” he said, shaking his head. “What am I supposed to say about that?”

Wright admitted he had briefly attempted to criticise the performance anyway, pointing out that the Springboks had led 13-12 at halftime.

“But they came out in the second half and absolutely sorted them out,” he said. “That’s no good to me.”

Other pub attendees said the 78-year-old appeared to be annoyed by Will Jordan scoring twice, Josh Moorby, Fabian Holland and Luke Jacobson also crossing, and Ruben Love kicking very well.

“I was expecting something controversial,” Wright said. “A stupid red card. A dodgy referee. Someone dropping the ball over the line.”

“What am I supposed to talk about when the All Blacks win like that?”

More to come.

The post Old Boy At Pub Annoyed That He Has Nothing To Complain About appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MESSAGE RECEIVED

A 28-year-old Christchurch man has found himself firmly in the friend zone just days after meeting a woman at a run club, after she repeatedly referred to him as “mate” in their Instagram messages.

Rhys Macklin said he thought things had gone well when he met Chloe over the weekend, chatted after the run and exchanged Instagram accounts.

“I thought there was a bit of chemistry there,” Rhys said. “She messaged me later, so I thought, ‘Sweet, we’re cooking.’”

That optimism quickly disappeared when Chloe began dropping “mate” into their messages.

“First one, I thought, maybe she just talks like that.”

“The second time it happened, I started getting concerned.”

“By the third ‘mate’, I knew I had basically become one of her brothers, and totally uninteresting to her biologically.”

Rhys said the final blow came when Chloe replied “Hahaha thanks mate ” to a message he believed was “pretty clearly flirty.”

“That was devastating. I’d spent ages thinking about what to say and she responded like I’d just helped her change a tyre.”

Rhys said he has since accepted that he was friend-zoned before he even had a chance to make a move or develop a fully formed crush.

“I haven’t even been rejected properly. I’ve just been quietly reassigned.”

He said he would continue going to run club but was now prepared for the relationship to remain strictly platonic.

“If she calls me ‘bro’, though, I’m moving to another suburb.”

At press time, Rhys was reportedly staring at Chloe’s latest message, which ended with: 

“See you Thursday mate!”

More to come.

The post Local Bloke Enters Early Friend Zone After Getting Called “Mate” Via DM appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HELEN’S RECKONS

Former Prime Minister Helen Clark has weighed in on All Blacks squad selections this week, saying that “the only logical choice for starting full back is Beauden Barrett”. 

Clark’s social media in recent years has been the place to go for journalists looking for really relevant commentary on whatever politics is happening. She generally supplies all the content herself online, cutting out all unnecessary journalistic leg work. 

Luckily Clark wasn’t too busy formulating opinions on Iran to talk to the Whakataki Times about the All Blacks. 

“Beauden Barrett brings a level of test experience to the team that simply can’t be overlooked in the 15 jersey. Especially not against a side like the Springboks,” she told our reporters. 

“The All Blacks will be looking to deliver for New Zealand, and I think they can do that. Coach Rennie has a clear plan for success, which is more than can be said for this chaotic coalition government.”

Clark, aged 76, has been keeping her mind active by staying across world politics and believing that New Zealand can have some kind of impact on it, despite being a tiny, isolated country that keeps to itself. 

Neuroscientists agree that it’s good for the elderly to stay busy with hobbies, particularly recommending trying new skills like knitting to create new neuron connections in the brain. 

Clark would not comment on who she thought should be playing at centre. 

More to come.

The post Helen Clark Says Beauden Barrett Should Be Starting At Fullback appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NOWHERE TO RUN

A 26-year-old Christchurch woman has become increasingly concerned that she has developed a “weird running style” despite general indifference from everyone around her. 

Sophie Hopkins, who recently decided to get into fitness, says she actually enjoys running but has become distracted by what she describes as “whatever the hell my arms are doing.”

“I like running, I genuinely do,” Sophie said. “But every time I see myself running past a reflection of a car or  window, I think, ‘Fuck, that looks weird.’”

Sophie said she has spent the past three weeks attempting to correct her running technique, despite having no formal knowledge of running technique.

“I’ve tried keeping my arms lower, then higher, then not moving them as much,” she explained. “At one point I was consciously thinking about every single step, which somehow made me run even more strangely.”

Her boyfriend reportedly told her she looked completely normal.

“I don’t believe him,” Sophie said. “I think everyone looks weird when they run. I just wish I could stop thinking about what my legs are doing.”

She is now considering taking up cycling, believing that sitting down and pedalling would be harder to get wrong. 

More to come.

The post Local Woman Getting Into Fitness Now Convinced She Has A Weird Running Style appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HALLWAY HERO

A 35-year-old Christchurch man who hasn’t played cricket since his early 20s has reportedly rediscovered his bowling action, despite having absolutely no reason to.

Matt Bowater was spotted by his girlfriend Clara this week performing a full bowling run-up in the hallway, apparently attempting to determine whether he could still bowl after more than a decade away from the game.

Bowater launched into a surprisingly committed bowling action for no reason, complete with a  follow-through and facial expression normally reserved for a crucial fourth-innings wicket.

“I don’t know what came over me,” Bowater admitted. “I stepped into the hallway and all of a sudden it was happening. Afterwards I just thought, ‘I reckon I could still bowl’. But gee, the one delivery took it out of me”

Clara was unimpressed by the bizarre event she just witnessed, which included Bowater giving an invisible batsman an absolute earful. 

“I think he may have twisted his back because immediately after it looked like his life was flashing before his eyes,” Clara said.

“I heard these heavy footsteps coming down the hallway and thought he was either being chased by a home invader or having some sort of an episode.” 

Despite clinching his back during our interview, Matt was unconvinced his cricket days were over.

“I reckon I could still get a few overs in. Might even see if the lads want a net session tomorrow,” Bowater said, still wincing in medium-grade pain.

His lower back declined to comment.

More to come.

The post Bloke Who Hasn’t Played Cricket In A Decade Suddenly Practices Bowling Action In Hallway appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

EXIT STRATEGY

New information has emerged from the secret National caucus meeting earlier this week, adding a new layer of context to the sacking of Defence Minister Chris Penk. 

Several secret sources have told the Whakataki Times that the Prime Minister had briefly considered sacking himself as an easy way out, hoping that the no-confidence vote he cast for himself would be successful. 

Unfortunately for Luxon, not enough MPs in his caucus believed that they could do any better than he was, and so he has been forced to carry on in the role that he’s clearly shit at. 

Least fortunate of all was Chris Penk, who was chosen to be sacrificed for apparently “doing the numbers” for someone or something. This was despite him clearly not being the only one trying to get rid of Luxon. 

“If anything Luxon was doing the numbers to try and get rid of himself so he can go back to drinking chardonnay and watching the robot mow his lawns for him,” said one insider who was already on the piss at the Parliament bar this afternoon. 

“God this is going to be a shit election.”

Another source said Luxon appeared “genuinely disappointed” when it became clear there wasn’t enough support for getting rid of him.

“He sort of looked around the room and said, ‘Are you guys sure?’” the source said. “Then when nobody put their hand up he sighed, opened his laptop and started talking about ‘getting back on track going forward’. It was grim.”

Penk is understood to have taken the news reasonably well, appearing somewhat relieved to get away from his embarrassing party members. Luxon meanwhile will carry on being Prime Minister on Monday, having tried and failed to escape his current hellish reality.

More to come.

The post National Party Insiders Claim Luxon Briefly Considered Sacking Himself appeared first on The Whakataki Times.