EVOLVED TASTES

Christchurch man Jason Miller, 36, has confirmed he can no longer “just grab a box” after developing what mates describe as “a fully unnecessary relationship with craft beer”.

Friends say Miller was once known for drinking whatever was cheapest, coldest and closest during his twenties, including Cody’s, Double Browns and VBs from the dairy.

But sometime around 2021, Miller reportedly began using phrases like “a bit more sessionable” and “I’m after something interesting tonight”.

“He used to drink anything,” said longtime mate Aaron Peters.

“Now he stands in front of the craft beer fridge at New World like he’s deciding which university he wants go to.”

Miller denies he’s become difficult, insisting his tastes have simply “evolved a bit”.

“You just get older don’t you,” he explained while holding two different Behemoth four-packs at chest height for comparison.

“You start appreciating quality more. I’m not saying I’m above a standard lager. I just think if I’m gonna drink six beers on the couch while watching YouTube, they may as well have some personality.”

Witnesses say supermarket trips with Miller now take significantly longer than necessary, with the 36-year-old often quietly reading the sides of cans before making a vibe-based decision.

“There’s a lot going on in the beer scene now,” Miller said.

“You’ve got your hazies, your West Coasts, your roasted stouts, your APAs. It’s honestly a good time to be curious.”

Flatmates report Miller also recently began refrigerating specific beers separately “for optimal drinking windows”, despite still consuming them while wearing his same old trackpants with the stain on the front.

“He talks about flavour profiles heaps now,” said flatmate Chris Hall.

“But at the end of the day he’s still sitting there eating chicken tenders and watching UFC highlights on his phone.”

Miller was allegedly last seen spending $22.99 on six cans because “they looked pretty decent actually”.

More to come.

The post Bloke Who Used To Drink Anything Now Apparently Needs “Something Interesting” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

THINK ABOUT IT.

Labour leader Chris Hipkins has revealed some of the thinking behind his party’s election strategy today, responding to criticism that the opposition has been “light on policy”.

Wearing a black leather jacket, gold watch and chain to go with a brand new moustache, Hipkins said Labour “would not fall into that trap” of overpromising things to voters, like the current government has.

“Christopher Luxon and the National Party are breaking so many of the promises that they made to New Zealanders,” Hipkins said.

“The trick for us this year is to have an each-way bet by not announcing anything before the votes are in. Think about it. You can’t break election promises if you don’t make any,” he said with a knowing grin, while tapping his finger on his forehead. 

Labour’s current policies include three free GP visits per year for each kiwi, a “future fund”, and that’s basically it. Hipkins maintains that this is plenty for now. 

“They say you never interrupt your enemy while they’re making a mistake. So why would I interrupt Christopher Luxon now?”

When asked about his new makeover, Hipkins says he was looking for “a new look and a fresh new attitude”.  

“But don’t you worry too much about details like that, ha ha ha. I’ve been in this business a long time. I know exactly what I’m doing,” he said confidently, tapping his forehead with his index finger once more. 

Prime Minister Luxon was due to comment during a scheduled media interview, but has since decided to cancel it. 

More to come. 

The post SAFE AND SOUND: Chris Hipkins Says You Can’t Break Election Promises If You Don’t Make Any appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

LOOKING THE PART

Finance Minister Nicola Willis has reportedly spent much of this week wondering whether a newly purchased black hooded cloak and full-sized scythe might be “a bit over the top” for upcoming media appearances announcing further public sector job cuts.

Willis was seen by members of her family pacing around her modern Wellington townhouse late Tuesday evening while wearing the floor-length cloak, occasionally stopping in front of a mirror to test different ways of holding the scythe.

“She kept asking whether the hood should stay up during interviews or if that made it look too theatrical,” said one of her daughters. “She asked if black leather gloves made it feel too ‘Marvel villain’.”

The outfit testing comes after the government confirmed thousands more public service roles will be slashed across Wellington over the coming years as departments continue cost-cutting measures.

Willis reportedly defended the look while speaking to friends over herbal tea and a bowl of veggie crisps.

“I’m not trying to make a statement, although I s’pose I am,” she explained. “I just think if you’re fronting up to announce another wave of restructuring, you should look professional. You know, polished. Cohesive.”

She added that the scythe was “mostly symbolic” and said she had no immediate plans to try and get it past parliament security.

Neighbours say they briefly spotted the Finance Minister standing silently on her balcony at dusk earlier this week while the cloak moved in the Wellington wind.

“I honestly thought my time had come and Death himself had arrived to take me,” said local resident Aaron McKenzie. “Then I realised it was just Nicola doing media prep.”

Political commentators say the outfit could ultimately help lighten the messaging by making the government’s intentions feel “refreshingly transparent”.

More to come.

The post Nicola Willis Unsure Whether New Outfit For Media Appearances Is Too Much appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FORCE FIELD ACTIVATED

Wellington-based policy advisor Jasmine Warburton, 31, was shocked to hear today that the government plans to slash nearly 9000 public service jobs like hers over the next year. 

In a pre-budget speech Finance Minister Nicola Willis said there will be about 8700 job losses by mid-2029, saying “the back-office of government still looks like an eighties relic, run on old-fashioned systems, with slow bureaucratic processes that are too often about box-ticking rather than improving outcomes”.

Ms. Warburton, while surprised by the announcement, said she has a secret weapon up her sleeve to avoid the carnage, pulling out a second rainbow-patterned lanyard she obtained at the Ministry of Bureaucratic Integration and Engagement. 

“Shh, don’t tell anyone I’ve got this. They’re as rare as hen’s teeth and almost impossible to get if you’re not part of the club,” she whispered to our reporters in a level 2 breakout room. 

“No-one’s going to try and sack someone who wears the rainbow lanyard, so logically the managers will have no chance against someone with two on.”

Warburton said the rainbow lanyard has mystical powers in her office, and that the people that wear them seem to attract nothing but success. 

“If you’re anointed with the lanyard of sunlight and rain, it’s a positive signal to others that you’re just a good person, and generally better than others,” she said as she placed the lanyard over top of the one she was already wearing with her ID card. 

“I can use this second lanyard for my snapper card, which I use on public transport to save the environment because I’m a good person.”

Tier 4 manager Suzanne Redford wasn’t sure about the lanyards holding mystical powers, but did say that Ms. Warburton’s logic was sound. “They’re not magic but they’ll definitely repel managers looking for people to sack. There’s just easier targets out there that won’t be as much of a problem.” 

Ms. Warburton meanwhile was not available for further comment, as she was apparently keen on arriving early for the daily waiata practice. 

More to come. 

The post Public Servant Applies Second Lanyard To Ward Off Evil Government Job Cuts appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

AISLE OF ANGER

Nelson woman Nicole Harris has confirmed she was left “honestly disappointed” this week after her partner failed to match her response to Pak n Save once again rearranging their shopping aisles.

On Sunday afternoon the couple entered the Richmond supermarket to do what Nicole described as “a very straightforward shop”, when they discovered the wraps had been moved away from the bread section “for no real reason at all.”

Nicole reportedly became visibly frustrated by the change, while her partner Matt continued pushing the trolley with what she called a “completely inappropriate level of calm.”

“I just thought he’d at least acknowledge how annoying it was,” said Nicole while unpacking groceries into matching glass containers. “Fair enough if you don’t want to fully rant about it, but he was acting like it was some tiny thing.”

Nicole says the situation worsened after Matt suggested the supermarket may have “had their reasons” for changing the layout.

“That was probably the worst part of it. He started talking about ‘the flow of traffic’ and saying maybe they’d analysed customer behaviour. Since when are we defending Pak n Save?”

Matt confirmed he had noticed the change but did not realise he was expected to emotionally engage with it.

“I just figured they’d moved some stuff around,” he said. “She kept looking at me waiting for something and eventually I realised I was apparently meant to be angry too.”

He later attempted to recover the situation by calling the new layout “bloody confusing,” though Nicole said the comment felt forced and “far too late to feel genuine.”

Relationship expert and Nicole’s friend Emma Thompson says situations like this are common in long-term relationships.

“A lot of women aren’t necessarily looking for solutions,” she explained. “They just want confirmation that the thing was in fact annoying and that they’re not alone in carrying the emotional burden of noticing irritating changes at the supermarket.”

Later today, Matt had reportedly said the new chip location “actually is a bit cooked”, but was apparently not able to convince Nicole that he actually cared that much.

More to come.

The post Local Woman Annoyed That Partner Was Not Also Annoyed By Thing That Annoyed Her appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

UNBEATABLE ON A GOOD DAY

With the doom and gloom around the capital cemented firmly in place, thanks in part to generous media coverage about lots of cafes closing, it would appear rugby union is back on the menu for Wellingtonians. 

The Hurricanes Super Rugby team are top of the table with only three rounds to go, leaving many wondering “are the canes actually the only good thing about Wellington these days?”

While the players will be focused firmly on their games ahead, their main contenders in the “good things about Wellington” rankings are currently Te Papa, the cable car and for some strange reason the bucket fountain on Cuba Street. 

An outside chance for the title is Weta Workshops, which some describe as a memorial site for a film series that came out over twenty years ago. 

Wellington City Council refused to give an interview to the Whakataki Times, instead issuing a statement saying it is wonderful to see the Hurricanes playing well, but that there are “lots of other good things about Wellington so what is this story actually about?”.

The communications team at the Hurricanes was also relatively tight lipped, issuing the following statement that could be attributed to any of the current players: “We are just taking it one game at a time and staying focused on this week’s match against the Blues”. 

However local man David Anderson, 52, was totally open about his delight at the way the Hurricanes have played this year, along with his visceral hatred of the bucket fountain. 

“It’s just so pleasing to see the Hurricanes playing well. Cam Roigard is a revelation and I think Ruben Love is going to be the next big thing for the All Blacks,” he said when asked on Cuba Street this morning. 

“But aside from that, can I just say how much I hate this ridiculous fountain? It’s ugly, it splashes water on the pavers making the ground slippery, it doesn’t look at all iconic… and is it even a fountain?”

Mr Anderson said that even walking past “all those people on Manners Street” isn’t that bad anymore because the Hurricanes are winning. 

More to come.

The post Hurricanes In Line To Be Literally The Only Good Thing About Wellington This Year appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

SELECTION STANDOFF

NZ Rugby has confirmed that 56-test All Black Richie Mo’unga will remain ineligible for national selection until he completes what officials describe as “the sacred rite of NPC participation.”

The decision means Mo’unga must first return to play for Canterbury in the National Provincial Championship , a competition NZ Rugby now considers the “true final exam of elite readiness.”

“Test rugby and multiple Super Rugby titles are one thing,” explained NZ Rugby CEO Steve Lancaster. “But has he done it on a cold Friday night in Invercargill with 4,200 people watching? I don’t think so, and we need to see that from him first.” Lancaster confirmed, despite Mo’unga winning nearly every competition he’s competed in during the past decade.

Despite Mo’unga already being contracted to NZ Rugby with Canterbury and the Crusaders, the rule ensures he must trundle out for Canterbury in the NPC first, which will then catapult him back into the frame for AB’s selection.

All Blacks coach Dave Rennie was blunt when asked about the situation.

“If selection was purely about current ability, he’d be in my squad,” Rennie said. “But NZ Rugby’s introduced a new weird layer where you have to prove you can survive NPC rugby for a couple of games before being considered for the black jersey. He’s contracted to NZ Rugby as well for crying out loud!”

“In most countries, if you’ve mastered international rugby, you don’t get sent back to do regional exams,”  Rennie continued to explain. “But here we are effectively saying: ‘Yes, you’ve done it at the highest level many times before, but have you tried doing it against North Harbour in drizzle? It’s a bit of a virtue signalling exercise if you ask me.”

More to come. 

The post Mo’unga Not Fit For All Blacks Until He Proves Himself In Illustrious New Zealand NPC appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MUSCLE MEMORY

A Palmerston North man has confirmed that despite not touching a calculator in nearly two decades, his body still instinctively remembers the exact sequence required to spell “BOOBIES” upside down.

The incident occurred Tuesday evening after 34-year-old Ryan Fletcher discovered an old Casio calculator while cleaning out an oversized Sistema container in his garage.

According to Fletcher, the device still had enough battery life to perform what he described as “the only calculation he regularly referred back to.”

“I didn’t even have to think about it,” said Fletcher, holding the calculator like it was an artefact found at some archaeological dig. “I turned it on, typed 5318008, flipped it upside down and just started grinning at it, with no one around me.”

Fletcher said the move felt “completely automatic,” comparing it to riding a bike or backing out of a very familiar driveway.

“You spend all of intermediate trying to get the biggest possible reaction from any and all boys that may be nearby. This knowledge is going to stay in my brain for life.”

He admitted he briefly considered showing his wife before deciding the inevitable eye roll wouldn’t actually be worth the effort. 

Friends who later heard about the discovery were reportedly unsurprised.

“Makes sense that Ryan remembers calculator boobies but forgets literally any important password,” said mate Josh McKenzie. “If civilisation collapsed tomorrow, the rebuild would be very difficult but I think men would still find a way to write boobs on things.”

Fletcher reportedly also attempted to spell other words on his newly discovered Casio, but was never able to out-do the GOAT.

More to come.

The post Local Bloke Finds Old Calculator And Immediately Types “5318008” Like He’s In Intermediate Again appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MOOD PENDING

TVNZ staff are reportedly bracing for two very distinct possibilities at Maiki Sherman’s leaving drinks: either she remains completely sober under the watchful eye of HR and a handful of TVNZ lawyers, or she gets absolutely written off in front of her soon to be former colleagues. 

Sherman officially confirmed her resignation on social media last night, ending a turbulent couple of weeks for herself and the state broadcaster in general.

Our reporters spoke to some TVNZ staff inside their headquarters.

“Honestly, nobody knows what version of Maiki we’re going to be getting at her leaving drinks, ” said one nervous producer while arranging alcohol-free Heinekens . “This could either be a calm farewell for her, or something where our lawyers will have to start sending wide ranging letters to people trying to report on her actions again.

“We’re sort of hoping she sees the kombucha first and just commits to that. The mood internally is very much ‘let’s all make sensible beverage choices tonight.’”

TVNZ staff have also explained that if anyone sees Maiki approaching a pinot noir, you redirect her towards the soda water station immediately and that if any employees from rival companies turn up, you offer them both waters.

Despite the uncertainty, preparations for the event are reportedly continuing at full pace, with staff carefully planning drink options, seating arrangements, and what one insider described as “escape routes for early exits if the energy shifts unpredictably.”

There is also reportedly an informal agreement that speeches will be kept “short, sincere, and legally safe,” with one staff member adding, “We love Maiki, but we also love not having to issue clarifications of what was said the next day.”

As for Sherman herself, expectations remain deliberately vague. One colleague summed it up simply: “It’s either a quiet goodbye with a soft clap and a muffin… or it’s the kind of night that gets referenced in newsroom lore for the next five years. No in-between.”

More to come.

The post LEAVING DRINKS: Maiki Expected To Either Not Drink Or Completely Let The Dogs Out  appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

HERITAGE RESTORED

Crusaders fans are eagerly awaiting tomorrow’s match against the Blues in Christchurch after reports emerged that the iconic horses are set to return to matchday duties. This was despite previously being “forced into early retirement” by the management at One New Zealand Stadium.

Last month, the club announced the famous horses would no longer feature at games due to safety concerns surrounding the tight layout of the new stadium and they were not present two weeks ago at the opening round.

However, scenes of horses galloping around the stadium yesterday have reignited hope ahead of the Crusaders clash against the Blues.

But while fans welcomed the apparent return of the horses, many say another matchday fixture must now also become permanent: Christchurch rapper Scribe.

The local hip hop icon stunned a sold-out Super Round crowd earlier this season after appearing at halftime, with thousands of Cantabs temporarily forgetting they were attending rugby, and instead entering what a witness called “a deeply emotional 2003 fever dream.”

“I’m happy the horses are back,” said Spreydon man Jase Wilson, 41, wrapped in a Crusaders flag while aggressively singing Not Many outside the stadium. “But if Scribe doesn’t walk out before kickoff yelling ‘Christchurch City! Congratulations, you made it’, then honestly what are we even doing here?”

Fans say the combination of medieval crusader horses and kiwi hip hop from the early-2000s has somehow become the perfect representation of modern Christchurch culture.

“It just works,” said Wilson. “You’ve got the horses, the Crusaders theme song, then suddenly Scribe appears as well and you can’t think you’re anything but definitely a one-eyed Cantab.

“Even makes me want to try and find out what Savage is up to”.

The Crusaders organisation has yet to confirm whether Scribe will become a regular fixture alongside the horses, although insiders say club officials are exploring a compromise where the rapper performs from horseback during major finals matches.

More to come.

The post Horses Set To Return To Crusaders Games But Cantabs Demand Scribe Stay Too appeared first on The Whakataki Times.