OUT WITH THE OLD

The Greens have unveiled their club’s new team uniforms ahead of the 26/27 season in the New Zealand Parliament. 

After recent photo op appearances alongside the Mongrel Mob’s Harry Tam and members of Te Pati Māori, co-leaders Marama Davidson and Chlöe Swarbrick say their new leather jackets with Greens-branded patches capture an edgy and uniquely kiwi aesthetic. 

“This is how the Greens are connecting with real New Zealanders, including the ones who have unfairly been forced into the fringes,” said Marama as she admired the needlework of the large circular Green logo.

The Middle-Eastern keffiyehs, traditionally worn like a shawl or head covering by the Green Party of Aoteorea, has now been swapped out for something newer and trendier in the world of progressive political fashion.  

“While we still believe in a free Palestine, we also believe that vilified community groups like the Mongrel Mob deserve to be free from the constant oppression forced on them by the white patriarchy,” said Marama confidently. 

“These classic leather jackets are super chic and have just the right amount of attitude that our party needs to speak up for the under-served.”

Chlöe Swarbrick, who has repeatedly been fined by her team mates for forgetting to wash the keffiyeh team kit, says that MPs will be responsible for hand-washing their own kit this season.

“You can’t just toss leather jackets in the washing machine because you’ll ruin the hide and I’m not hand-washing all those things myself, even if we do run a roster system. People can clean their own and we’ll collect them all up at the end of the year.”

Te Pati Māori have also taken inspiration from their visit to the Mob’s gang pad, with co-leader Rawiri Waititi in the market for a black leather cowboy hat. 

More to come. 

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LOVE TRIANGLE

Greens co-leader Chlöe Swarbrick has reportedly grown tired of the media’s apparent love affair with Opportunity leader Qiulae Wong, accusing journalists of behaving like lovestruck teenagers who have just discovered a new girl at school.

Wong, who has been in the leadership role for less than a year, has recently polled at 8%, putting her in a potentially influential position ahead of November’s election, where she could help decide who forms the next Government.

But Swarbrick believes the media’s fascination with the newcomer has gone well beyond a professional interest in politics.

“Honestly, it’s like they’ve all got a massive crush on her,” Swarbrick said.

“Every time I open my newsfeed, turn on the television or accidentally make eye contact with a journalist, it’s ‘Qiulae this, Qiulae that’. Will you work with Qiulae? Have you guys considered talking about literally anything else?”

Swarbrick said she had spent years building her political profile, only to watch reporters suddenly develop an unhealthy attachment to someone who hasn’t even been in parliament before.

“I’ve been here for years. YEARS. I’ve done the hard yards, I’ve been on the panels, I’ve answered the questions, and now suddenly there’s this new girl and everyone’s passing notes about how amazing she is ffs,” Swarbrick said, opening another news article about Wong’s sudden rise.

“‘Oh, Qiulae’s polling at 8%. Oh, Qiulae could be kingmaker,’ Give her a clipboard and suddenly she’s the most interesting woman in New Zealand.”

The Greens co-leader reportedly became particularly frustrated after seeing three consecutive headlines about Wong, followed by a television segment in which two political commentators were visibly blushing while discussing her polling numbers.

In a statement to the press, Wong said she was “open to working with anyone”, before deleting yet another of her party’s policy bottom-lines to become just vanilla enough to get into parliament.  

More to come.

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BRING BACK BUCK

Winston Peters has promised to buy back the Bank of New Zealand and offer Buck the Kiwibank Sheep a fresh start, following growing concerns the mascot has become too sexy for the New Zealand banking sector.

The NZ First leader announced the proposal after Buck became the centre of an international free speech controversy, with Kiwibank reportedly issuing copyright infringement notices to people sharing images of the woolly mascot in sexually suggestive situations.

The controversy reached millions overseas after comedian John Oliver covered the saga on Last Week Tonight, prompting renewed questions about whether New Zealand’s reputation for being a country that doesn’t want to have sex with sheep had been irreparably damaged.

Peters said the situation was precisely why New Zealand needed to reclaim control of its banking sector.

“First, they sold our bank. Now they’ve got a sheep running around the internet looking like it belongs on the cover of a magazine, and people are being threatened with legal action for no good reason. Bloody wokesters at Kiwibank,” Peters said.

“I can tell you right now, if New Zealand First gets the chance, we’ll buy back BNZ and put Buck on the payroll. That sheep’s been working harder than half the people running these bloody banks anyway.”

A BNZ spokesperson said the bank would be open to discussing employment opportunities with Buck, provided the mascot could demonstrate an ability to work professionally in a financial environment with her wool dyed an appropriate blue and gold.

“We welcome all applicants who share our commitment to helping New Zealanders achieve their financial goals, regardless of their previous employer’s views on their online image.”

Peters concluded that Buck under BNZ would be given a chance.

“Under our government, Buck won’t be cancelled, censored or sent to the abattoir of corporate communications. She will be given a desk, a salary and a fair go.”

“We’re not going to discriminate against a sheep because somebody in a marketing department thinks she’s become too sexy and Kiwis can’t handle it.”

More to come.

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CASE DISMISSED

All Blacks loose forward Du’Plessis Kirifi has finally been released back into international rugby after serving a lengthy and emotionally draining sentence with the Wellington Lions, who somehow managed to lose all 10 NPCgames this season .

Kirifi, who has not been required by the All Blacks since Dave Rennie took over as head coach, has been recalled as injury cover ahead of Saturday’s second Bledisloe Cup test in Sydney.

The Wellington Lions’ winless campaign reportedly left Kirifi questioning whether he was still playing professional rugby or participating in an elaborate psychological experiment.

“At one point, I thought Dave Rennie had forgotten I existed,” he said.

“Then I realised he probably knew exactly where I was. He’d just seen the Lions’ results and decided there was no point interrupting the learning experience.”

Kirifi said the hardest part of the season was maintaining belief while watching the losses pile up.

“Losing one game is disappointing. Losing five is a rough patch. Losing 10 straight is when you start celebrating a successful lineout like you’ve just won the competition.”

The loose forward also admitted the Lions’ season had prepared him for almost any situation international rugby could throw at him.

“I’ve played behind a struggling pack, defended for 80 minutes and had to simply smile and recognise that movies would be boring if nothing bad ever happened in them. Now I feel ready for anything.”

He added that he had no hard feelings about missing the initial All Blacks selections.

“Honestly, after a season with the Lions, pulling on the black jersey feels less like a call-up and more like being granted parole.”

More to come.

The post Dupes Back In All Blacks After Enduring Long Painful Sentence With Lions  appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WILL POWER

TAB officials are reportedly reviewing their decision to offer anytime try-scorer bets after Will Jordan scored in the 79th minute, ruining what had been shaping as an extremely profitable night for the gambling operator in New Zealand.

The  All Blacks winger crossed late in the match, sending many punters around the country who had backed him to score at any time into a state of celebration, while TAB executives watched their anticipated profits disappear after pre-planning their celebrations of a profitable night.

“We genuinely thought we’d cracked the code,” said TAB spokesperson Richard Cashmore.

“Jordan had gone nearly the whole game without scoring, and we were sitting there thinking thousands of punters had effectively donated money to us. We were already discussing what to do with the profits. The All Blacks had the game won, they weren’t even looking to score and then a silly loose pass the Wallabies gifted Will the try and gifted the punters money we thought we’d banked.”

Cashmore said the operator had been particularly pleased with the number of customers who had backed Jordan to score, believing the late try-scorer market was firmly under control.

“People were cashing out, people were losing hope, and we were quietly congratulating ourselves. Then, out of nowhere, Will decides to remember he’s one of the best finishers in world rugby and gets a try that only he could generate and score.”

The spokesperson said the 79th-minute try had triggered a wave of winning bets, with punters reportedly celebrating in living rooms across New Zealand while TAB staff experienced what one employee described as “a sudden and deeply uncomfortable loss of confidence”.

Meanwhile, Jordan is believed to be completely unaware of the financial damage caused by his late intervention, having spent the evening doing what he is paid to do.

More to come.

The post Will Jordan Ruins Profitable Night For TAB With Last Minute Try appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

RURAL REGRET

A Christchurch family who drove more than 300 kilometres to Twizel specifically to “get away from everything” have reportedly begun complaining that there’s literally nothing to do.

The Thompson household left Christchurch this morning for the last couple of days of the school holidays with the car packed with food, fishing gear, board games, hiking shoes and enough electronic devices to survive several days without human contact.

According to the family, the whole point was to escape the traffic, noise, crowds, emails and general chaos of everyday life.

Within hours of arriving, however, the Thompsons began discovering the downside of having successfully escaped all of those things.

By Saturday morning, Dad was reportedly standing on the deck staring into the distance before asking: “Righto, what are we actually doing today?”

Mum suggested a walk.

“We’ve driven 300 kilometres to relax,” Dad reportedly replied. “We’re not spending the whole weekend walking around looking at hills.”

The family instead drove into town, visited the Four Square, bought some snacks and slowly cruised around Twizel hoping something exciting might appear.

Nothing did.

“It’s beautiful,” Mum reportedly said. “It’s just… there’s fuck all happening.”

By lunchtime, the Thompsons were asking whether there was a market, event, show or basically any sign of life nearby.

A quick Google search confirmed there wasn’t.

At one point, their teenage son reportedly announced: “I’m bored.”

More to come.

The post Family Drives 300km To Get Away From Everything Before Complaining There’s Nothing To Do appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FINE BALANCE 

42 year old team leader Bryce Jamieson has struck a fine balance when it comes to employing people at an Auckland based recycling plant. 

Bryce now has a team of eight staff, where four of them are very difficult to motivate and the other four do most of the work each day. He believes the latter four are likely looking elsewhere for employment however, largely due to the punishingly repetitive nature of sorting rubbish on a conveyor belt. 

“It’s definitely a balancing act. I’ve got four good workers who turn up each day and get on with it, plus four more that each have a 50-50 chance of not showing up at all,” explained Bryce during a scheduled smoko. 

“Amazing isn’t it? We’ve got four guys who pick up all the slack when the others are hungover or not even there, but on the flipside, these ones are highly likely to hand in their notice at any moment because of how shit this job is.”

Bryce says that he has temporary staff pick up days as well to fill the gaps, but they’re often even more useless than his employees. 

“Never a dull moment hahaha, never know what you’re going to get when your recruitment company sends you a completely random human being on a Monday morning,” joked the team leader, attempting to use humour to cover up his sustained stress levels. “You often wonder how long out of prison they are!

“But then one day you get a superstar who puts his head down, follows instructions and gets the job done. And you know what happens to him? He fucks off as soon as something better comes along, and who could blame him.”

Bryce is currently applying for jobs in other similar team leader roles around Auckland.

More to come.  

The post Factory Manager Builds Team Of Good People That Will Leave And Useless Ones That Will Stay appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

TACTICAL STRIKE

Jane Goodwin, a 49 year old executive assistant from Wellington put on a clinic this afternoon following a disagreement with 34 year old Ryan Roberts over Microsoft Teams. 

Ryan allegedly “pushed back” on Jane’s request for him to drop everything and fill in some kind of spreadsheet, which she was apparently furious about. 

“All I said was that I could definitely get that to her by the end of the day tomorrow, but she said she needed the numbers today because ‘Michael had asked for them’,” said Ryan after two weeks in the job and having no knowledge of who Michael was.

“But now she’s emailed me and CC’d my manager going on about ‘expectations’ and ‘customer service’ or some shit”.

Ryan was philosophical about the direct hit he just took, only two weeks in, saying he was actually kind of proud to have already had a run-in with the cold-blooded killer Jane Goodwin.

“Ole G.I Jane got me just like that ay, BOOM! HEADSHOT!”

Ryan’s manager Laura told him to brush this one off and ignore her. “Laura says she’s just trying to get me to do her work for her because she’s useless, but she knows all of Michael’s dirty secrets so she’s not going anywhere.

“I also found out that Michael’s the group manager and I know who he is now.”

Jane was not available for comment as of 2 o’clock today because she had to leave early “for an appointment.”

More to come. 

The post Local Woman CCs In Bloke’s Manager Like The Calculating Assassin She Is appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

INSTANT IMPACT

Palmerston North based two year old George Jordan made his presence known to his parents and older brother at the dinner table last night. 

The Bluey enthusiast knew exactly what to do when his mum Emma served up the beef stir fry with rice she had lovingly cooked for the family. Within ten seconds of receiving it, George had picked up two handfuls of rice and nonchalantly dropped them on the floor, scattering grains evenly under the table. 

“It was a textbook move,” said George’s father Liam as he did the dishes later that evening. “It was the end of the day. Emma and I were exhausted from the working week, so what better way to get a reaction than dump a shitload of rice on the floor while our guards are down.”

Emma says she didn’t have the energy to get angry, so instead let out a feeble groan without any impetus to even shed a single tear. 

“I was done. Totally done. And George just sits there smiling and eyeballing me. Why?” she asked in disbelief.

Liam says from that point they were playing for the draw. 

“I took the rest of his rice away from him so he just sat there and ate the meat and some of the veggies. Then we got him in the bath and off to bed,” he said vaguely triumphantly.

“The rice is still on the floor though.”

George’s older brother Tyler, 5, gave him the benefit of the doubt when it came to dinner time etiquette.  

“George is still learning.”

More to come. 

The post DINNERTIME DOMINANCE: Local Toddler Drops A Significant Amount Of Rice On The Floor appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

THERE WILL BE BLOOD

With the election just around the corner, the demon known as “Orange Guy” has reappeared, this time with a thicker body and fingers. 

Various commentators have noticed the changes and speculated about whether they are a way of making the dark entity “more relatable” to the common New Zealander. Some say the chonkier physique is more realistic when it comes to modern standards. 

But it appears no one is facing the truth of the matter, which is that “Orange Guy” has simply shape-shifted to appear less like a fanta-flavoured “slenderman” and generally less demonic. 

“Hey, it’s just a natural progression for my animation, you guys. Every election there’s something a little different,” it lied shamelessly as the blood of the innocent dripped from its lips and newly spawned fingers.

“Make sure you’re enrolled to vote!”

Garth Winters, one of Orange Guy’s so-called “animators” says there’s nothing to worry about. “We tried out something a little different to freshen him up, just like we always do. Largely the same, but a little different,” said the demon’s head acolyte as he crouched in a circle with the rest of its cultists. 

“All heil Orange Guy!” they chanted in unison as they each held up their bloodied sacrifices to throw into a central furnace. 

The Electoral Commission would not comment on the ravenous demon they had unleashed on humanity, but did issue a statement clarifying their position. 

“The Electoral Commission believes in upholding democracy through strong public communication, handled by external media agencies. The Electoral Commission does not take responsibility for the alleged “portal to the shadow realm” that has opened up in central Wellington”. 

More to come.   

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