THIN MARGINS

National MPs have reportedly breathed a huge sigh of relief today after confirming that, despite everything, they would all somehow be worse than Christopher Luxon at being prime minister.

The revelation came after a dramatic caucus confidence vote this morning, with Luxon emerging victorious and immediately announcing he had the “full support of my caucus”, a phrase National MPs reportedly repeated several times while avoiding eye contact with each other.

Luxon fronted media for just over a minute, flanked by senior MPs including Erica Stanford, who has been touted as a potential leadership challenger, before leaving without taking questions.

MPs told our reporters that caucus members had spent the morning quietly assessing their colleagues and asking themselves a simple question:

“Could they actually do a better job than Chris?”

The answer, apparently, was no.

Another MP suggested Nicola Willis.

“We then realised she’d have to get through a leadership campaign, a Cabinet reshuffle and at least three weeks of journalists asking whether she was ready. It’s kind of easier to just keep Luxon as the CEO of the party.

“We can all agree Christopher Luxon isn’t perfect. But unfortunately, neither are we.”

More to come.

The post National MPs Confirm They Would All Be A Worse Option Than Luxon appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

WORTH ASKING

Ahead of his caucus meeting tomorrow morning to see if he’ll get to carry on being prime minister, Christopher Luxon is reportedly looking to the future. 

Reports claim he was seen on his phone using his paid version of ChatGPT to work out whether prime ministers who get rolled before an election tend to get knighthoods or not. 

Luxon seemed confident that he had this one in the bag. “Well apparently Jim Bolger got kicked out by National in 1997 and Jenny Shipley took over. And Jim Bolger is a sir now!” he told reporters. 

“It’s amazing what you can find out with ChatGPT.”

While ChatGPT has apparently worked well for finding out low level information, the prime minister now believes that the large language model maybe wasn’t the best thing for coming up with talking points for the media throughout his tenure. 

“Look, what I will say is that AI isn’t a staff member you can delegate all your work to — it’s a tool that needs to be mastered,” he told reporters, apparently learning nothing from a long litany of public gaffes. 

“It’s not a solution to the world’s problems — it is one of the world’s problems.”

Luxon would not be drawn on whether he had received any job offers from well-funded overseas universities. 

More to come. 

The post Luxon Asks ChatGPT If He Can Still Get A Knighthood If He Gets Rolled appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CALL THE EXPERTS

As she looks to regulate New Zealanders’ internet use under the guise of online safety for teenagers, Education Minister Erica Stanford is now taking an evidence-based approach. 

With North Korea and China being two of the most successful nations at controlling what their people see and think, Stanford has brought the leaders of these two nations together for a boozy midweek catch up in a Wellington pub.

“Sometimes it’s hard getting the right people in a room together so you just have to meet them where they’re at. The lads happened to be in town, both with busy schedules in their work hours, so I thought why don’t we talk all things VPNs and digital ID over a few beers,” she explained this morning while nursing a hangover that had snuck up on her.

“Oops I mean how we’ll keep kids safe without having to have digital IDs or ban VPNs” she laughed. 

Tech experts across the globe have pointed out that if you want to stop under 16 year olds from accessing a website, then logically you would need a way for every citizen to prove they are over 16 if they want to use that website. Basically some kind of digital ID.

Chinese President Xi Jinping and North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong Un agreed that the best option is to simply block all foreign websites entirely. 

Stanford meanwhile believes New Zealanders might notice that and have a problem with it. 

“We just need to make sure that everyone is safe from yucky stuff on the internet. I mean umm, we need to make sure our kids are safe,” she said hastily.

After audibly tisking at a Facebook post about how shit National are, she quickly closed her laptop and continued. 

“This government is doing a really good job, but the message just isn’t getting through with today’s media landscape. We don’t want this kind of rumour-mongering getting out of hand, and if we can keep an eye on what everyone’s seeing and hearing then that can only be a good thing. For the kids I mean.”

While Stanford was home in bed at a reasonable hour on Thursday night, the Whakataki Times understands that the lads kicked on and were last seen heading for Dreamgirls.

More to come. 

The post Erica Stanford Catches Up With The Lads To Finally Get Her Social Media Ban Sorted appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

MIDFIELD MAYHEM 

After being unfairly labelled as “just a flanker”, Du’Plessis Kirifi has taken drastic action in his quest to prove he is more than capable of playing multiple positions: he has moved approximately 10 metres across the field to second-five.

Kirifi has been named at no.12 for Saturday’s clash with Auckland, in what is a bid to prove he’s more than capable of playing not just as a flanker, but possibly capable of playing in the backline for the All Blacks

The Wellington Lions confirmed today that their revolutionary tactical plan for Saturday’s clash against Auckland at Western Springs is simple:

“Put Dupes at second five and see what happens.”

The surprise positional switch comes after Kirifi was left out of the All Blacks’ 44-man squad for the Greatest Rivalry tour of South Africa, with selectors reportedly favouring players who could cover multiple positions in the forwards.

Sources close to the Lions say Kirifi took the feedback on board and immediately began searching for another position.

“I heard I needed to show I was versatile,” Kirifi said.

“So I thought, ‘Sweet, I’ll move from the side of the scrum to somewhere near the middle of the field and see if anyone notices.’”

The Lions coaching staff say the move has been a smooth transition, with Kirifi reportedly needing very little explanation about his new role.

“Apparently when we told him he was playing second-five, he asked if he was still allowed to chase people and hit them,” one Wellington staff member said.

“We said yes, and he was happy. Here’s hoping the All Blacks and Dave Rennie are as well.”

More to come.

The post DUPES AT 12: Wellington Lions Confirm “Just Let The Angry Man Loose” Is The Game Plan appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

ALL IN VAIN

Jordie Halswell, a Wellington local who has already had two Wellington on a Plate burgers this month, attempted to cheat reality today. 

The 37 year old policy advisor from the Ministry of Education went for a sluggish 5 kilometre run last night, thinking it would somehow make a difference to the excessive amount of burgers he’s likely to eat this August. 

Halswell, whose heart is in the right place, told reporters that he “had to do something”. 

“Wellington on a Plate is a big deal to me and many of my colleagues at the MoE. And while I love a burger, they often do a lot of damage to my body, which I wasn’t that happy with in the first place,” he explained while tucking in to the third burger of his campaign. 

“That was my first run in months and was hard work.”

‘WOAP’ as it’s widely known has become a yearly opportunity for Wellingtonians to feel part of something, a sensation that is often lost in today’s modern world. Halswell has accepted it as a key part of his personality that only comes out once a year. 

“Look it’s not like I’m counting down the weeks until WOAP starts, as I do have other things going on. But once it’s here I’m really happy about it, and it’s a handy addition to my normal topics of conversation.”

The burger enthusiast finished off his burger and limped away from the table, still sore from his run, knowing full well that he would not attempt another one for at least two weeks. 

“The important thing is that I took action.”

More to come. 

The post WOAP TIME: Wellington Local Goes For Run In Futile Attempt To Counteract Burger Intake appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NO CANE, NO GAIN

Greymouth local  Barry Briggs, 81, has welcomed ACT’s new classroom behaviour policy, but says modern teachers still have a long way to go before they match what he experienced growing up.

Briggs said ACT’s proposal to give teachers clearer legal backing to remove seriously disruptive students from classrooms sounded “pretty reasonable” , but nothing compared to the days when discipline came with fewer forms and more wooden objects.

“Back in my day it was reasonable force, then the cane outside,” Briggs laughed while enjoying a quiet afternoon at the local pub.

“None of this ‘please leave the classroom and go to a supervised learning environment’ business. If you were causing trouble, you were marched outside and caned before you could realise what you’d done,” he recalled fondly. 

ACT’s policy, announced by leader David Seymour, MP Karen Chhour and candidate Paul Henry, would give teachers explicit legal power to direct seriously or persistently disruptive students to leave the classroom and move to a staffed supervised space.

The party says the move is aimed at giving teachers more confidence to deal with behaviour issues, with Paul Henry describing some classroom troublemakers as “little shits” who needed to be addressed if education standards were to improve.

Briggs said he understood the concern with “little fuckin shits”, having witnessed generations of students pushing boundaries, although he believed today’s system had become “a bit too complicated”.

“In my day, the behaviour management process was simple. If you misbehaved you were whacked 10 times with a cane. You didn’t make the same mistake twice, ha ha ha ha.” 

More to come.

The post CLASSROOM FORCE: Old Boy At The Pub Relives Fond Memories Of Getting The Cane appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FRESH VICTIMS

While 44 All Blacks arrived in South Africa this weekend, one of New Zealand rugby’s most consistently overlooked loose forwards will instead be boarding a far less glamorous bus to Wellington’s Cake tin, where Hawke’s Bay are now expected to absorb several months of professionally suppressed frustration.

After missing All Blacks selection despite another standout Super Rugby season, Du’Plessis Kirifi is tipped to unleash every tackle, cleanout and carry that had originally been earmarked for international opposition directly onto the unfortunate visitors in Sunday’s NPC opener for the Lions.

“I’ve accepted it,” Kirifi said, while accidentally folding a metal chair in half.

“Obviously I would’ve loved to be on that plane, but fortunately Hawke’s Bay have volunteered as an emotional support outlet for me this weekend.”

“I’ve got about fourteen weeks’ worth of tackles stored up with nowhere else to go.”

“I genuinely hope their loosies stretched properly this morning.”

Kirifi has remained remarkably composed throughout the week, with coaches only becoming concerned after he was seen aggressively congratulating teammates during opposed sessions and apologising to tackle bags after accidentally splitting several in half.

“And look, none of this is personal… unless you’re standing between me and the gain line.”

Sports psychologists say the emotional energy generated by Kirifi’s omission is now roughly equivalent to a small hydroelectric scheme, with most expecting it to be released sometime around the opening whistle.

The omission has reignited debate after three uncapped players were named in the All Blacks touring squad, prompting another wave of supporters insisting Kirifi had done everything possible to earn selection. Unfortunately, experts confirmed that passionately arguing on social media now carries the same selection value as yelling at the weather.

Meanwhile, Hawke’s Bay officials have reportedly requested clarification from NZ Rugby over whether being used as someone else’s coping mechanism still counts as a standard NPC fixture.

More to come.

The post Overlooked Du’Plessis Kirifi’s Pent Up Rage Expected To Be Released On Hawke’s Bay This Sunday appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DREAM DWELLING

A Christchurch couple have somehow planned their entire future life after spending just 15 minutes walking through a potential first home.

Hannah Wilson and Brad Jones, both in their early 30s entered a Papanui property as first-home buyers, but left having already decided where the couch would go, what colour the nursery would be, and how they’d look to extend the deck for the kids, which they don’t have yet.

“We walked into the kitchen and Jeremy said, ‘This is where we’ll have Sunday breakfasts,’” said Kelly.

“I said we don’t even own the house yet, but five minutes later we were discussing Christmas lunch seating arrangements for our wider family.”

Jeremy admitted things escalated quickly.

“We’ve picked the garden layout, the dog’s sleeping spot, before we’ve even made an offer.”

Thankfully, Harcourts Holmwood real estate agent Max John Collinson-Smith was on hand to calmly guide the couple through their sudden property-induced life planning.

“Max was great,” said Kelly. “We were basically planning our next 20 years while standing in the hallway, and he talked us through the home’s potential without letting us get carried away before even putting an offer on.”

Jeremy said Max’s experience was exactly what they needed.

“He knows how emotional buying a first home can be. He lets you dream, but he also brings you back to reality. Which was important because we were already naming rooms.”

Max John said it was common for buyers to instantly imagine their lives in a property.

“When people walk into a home they naturally start picturing what life could look like there,” he said. “The key is helping them balance that excitement with practical advice.”

More to come.

Disclaimer | This story is based on real events but names and some points have been changed for this article. Max John Collinson-Smith is a licensed Sales Consultant under the REAA 2008 | #MaxJohnRealEstate

The post Local Couple Somehow Have Entire Future Planned Out By End Of 15 Minute House Viewing appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DOMESTIC DIPLOMACY

Nelson woman Kara Watson, 33, has once again perfectly executed one of the oldest household traditions known to humanity: only wanting a cup of tea if someone else is already making one.

The breakthrough occurred at approximately 7:18pm when Kara overheard the sound of the kitchen kettle as it boiled water, which she had not instigated herself.

Without missing a beat, Kara reportedly responded from the couch, “Oh… I’ll have one too, if you’re making one.”

The sentence was delivered with the casual confidence of someone making an extraordinarily generous compromise.

“It’s not that I need a cup of tea,” Kara later explained. “I just happen to become interested in one the exact moment somebody else has committed to all the work.”

Shaun said he’d seen it coming.

“The funny thing is, five seconds earlier she had absolutely no interest in tea,” he said while locating the good mugs. “If I’d stayed sitting down, we’d both still be here watching TV. But the second I stand up, suddenly she’s remembered tea exists.”

Shaun admitted he’d briefly considered pretending the kettle was only for himself.

“I even thought about quietly boiling it and hoping she wouldn’t notice,” he said. “But kettles are louder than jet engines when you’re trying to be discreet.”

More to come.

The post Local Woman Will Have Cup Of Tea If Husband Is Making One appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

LOVE LOST

Labour leader Chris Hipkins has reportedly been left “deeply disappointed” after discovering Paul Henry’s controversial “Shoot, Shag, Marry” answer did not include any romantic interest in him.

ACT has been forced to issue a second clarification, this time confirming that Paul Henry not only does not want to shoot Chris Hipkins, but also apparently has no desire to shag or marry him either.

The clarification comes after Henry answered a Radio Hauraki question by saying he would “shoot” Hipkins, “shag” Winston Peters, and marry Prime Minister Christopher Luxon during a light-hearted game that has been played by awkward teenagers, drunk flatmates, and radio hosts for generations.

However, Labour sources were reportedly more concerned by what Henry didn’t say.

“Everyone is focusing on the shooting thing, but nobody is talking about the real insult,” one disappointed Labour insider said.

“He didn’t even put Chippy in the running. Not for a holiday fling. Not for a political marriage. Nothing.”

ACT leader David Seymour moved quickly to reassure the public that Henry’s answer was not a serious declaration of either romantic or violent intentions.

“We need to be very clear here: Paul Henry does not actually want to shoot Chris Hipkins, but he also does not want to marry him or have a romantic weekend away with him,” Seymour said.

“There is currently no evidence of a secret Chippy-Henry romance, coalition arrangement, or enemies-to-lovers political drama.”

Political commentators spent much of the day analysing the hypothetical shooting while overlooking the fact that it was just a silly radio show question that never should have become a news story at all. 

“Being shot in a joke game is one thing,” one analyst said. “Being completely ignored in the shag-and-marry categories is a much harder hit.”

More to come.

The post Chippy Hipkins Disappointed That Paul Henry Doesn’t Want To Shag Or Marry Him appeared first on The Whakataki Times.