BACK ON TRACK

The Government is getting on the front foot as it embarks on the road to Election 2026, pulling together a working group that will spearhead policy development in the field of not-taxing.

Following a series of internal discussions and some collaboration with ACT Party colleagues, the National-led coalition has decided that not taxing New Zealanders will be its primary focus for the forthcoming election.

What remains unclear is the vocabulary to be used for this not-taxing policy, as public opinion suggests words like ‘levy’ and ‘tax’ are losing currency with voters. One astute voter told the Whakataki Times: “I think tax and levy might be special words, with different letters and stuff, but actually meaning the same thing.”

The Government appears to be aware of this public perception. Insiders are reporting that dates have been set for a series of meetings, where words will feature prominently on the agenda.

The same inside sources say specialist lexicographers will be included in the working group, alongside expert linguists from leading universities. They were careful to note, however, that these individuals would be consulting from a personal viewpoint only, so as to avoid the perception that experts are involved at any point in National’s policy-making process.

There is no word yet on whether high-priority synonyms have been identified ahead of the non-tax terminology working group, though unconfirmed rumours suggest ‘mini-levy’, ‘charge-ish’ and ‘billy’ are all on the table.

More to come.

The post Government Establishes Working Group to Find New Words for “Tax” and “Levy” appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

CULTURE IS KING

An internal review at Wellington recruitment agency TalentForge has revealed the organisation has no official wellbeing strategy, and the culture they’ve nurtured is largely based on employees smashing back jars together on Friday afternoons and occasionally complaining about candidates.

The findings emerged after HR attempted to formally document the company’s culture for an award application.

What began as a search for policies and frameworks quickly uncovered that most staff simply enjoyed leaving work at 4.30 on a Friday and getting on the piss next door.

Senior Recruitment Consultant, Ben Ralston, said he was initially surprised by the findings.

“I always thought there was something a bit more sophisticated going on behind the scenes.”

“You hear people talking about workplace wellbeing programmes and resilience frameworks and all that. Then you realise our version is just six people drinking and chatting shit about Linkedin punishers.”

Ralston said the arrangement had been working effectively for years.

“If someone’s having a rough week, you buy them a beer. If someone’s had a good week, you buy them a beer. If someone lands a placement, beer. If they don’t land a placement, also beer. It’s a robust system.”

Office Manager Stacey Murray said attempts to introduce more structured initiatives had fallen flat.

“We brought in a mindfulness consultant once.”

“Half the office asked if ‘Mindfulness’ was a new CRM platform and the other half were already at the pub.”

Workplace culture specialist Dr Hamish Fletcher said the agency had inadvertently stumbled across a model common throughout New Zealand workplaces.

“A lot of organisations spend thousands trying to manufacture culture when culture is often just whether people enjoy spending time together after work.”

“Obviously there are limits to that approach, but it seems to be out-competing the old mindfulness webinar approach.”

TalentForge’s leadership have so far expressed no desire to formalise their piss-drinking into any kind of actual HR document. 

More to come.

The post Unwritten Staff Wellbeing Policy Revealed To Be Necking Piss After Work appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

QUIET PROFESSIONAL

A Night n Day employee in Hamilton has been praised for her professionalism after serving the same customer four separate times in one day without once asking what was going on.

The man, believed to be in his early 30s, made a series of increasingly casual visits to the store, each time acting as if it was his first appearance.

Worker Olivia Chen says she recognised him immediately by the second visit but made a conscious decision to say nothing.

“You just know not to say anything sometimes. Same hoodie, same walk, same ‘just this thanks’ vibe,” said Chen, calmly scanning a can of V and a packet of lollies. “But it’s not my place to mention anything.”

Chen says the third visit confirmed her approach.

“That’s when you double down on being normal. You keep it friendly with no raised eyebrows and no ‘back again?’ chat. Just good service.”

By the fourth visit, which included what could only be described as a fairly ambitious combo of a pie, chocolate milk and a family share bag of chips, Chen remained composed.

“He looked me dead in the eye like it was the first time we’d met. So I just went with it. Sweet as, that’ll be $14.80.”

The customer, who declined to be named, says he appreciated the discretion.

“Sometimes you just need a few trips, you know. Like obviously I’ve got something going on, but I don’t want it expressly mentioned,” he said. “She handled it well. Didn’t make it weird.”

Retail behaviour specialist Mark Henderson says the situation highlights the value of consistent customer service.

“A good store front person should be approachable and non-judgemental,” said Henderson. “It creates an environment where customers feel comfortable making multiple visits without fear of scrutiny, which is clearly important for some people.”

At the time of writing, the man was reportedly considering a fifth visit later that evening, with Chen expected to greet him as if nothing had happened.

More to come.

The post Convenience Store Worker Heroically Asks No Questions After Seeing The Same Guy For The Fourth Time Today appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DECISION FATIGUE

Nelson man Fraser McKenzie has ordered a pint of Behemoth “Something Hazy” purely to avoid having to think any further this evening, after what friends described as “a pretty full-on Friday mentally”.

The 34-year-old communications advisor made the call shortly after arriving at a downtown bar and staring silently at the drinks menu for nearly forty seconds.

McKenzie eventually pointed vaguely at the board and muttered “Yeah just chuck us the hazy” before visibly relaxing into his seat.

“Honestly I feel like I’ve been making decisions all bloody day,” he explained, plonking down his glass. “I had to choose meeting times, rewrite a sentence about stakeholder engagement six different ways and decide whether to get the large sushi or not. By the time I got here I was completely cooked. Just wanted a Behemoth hazy to take it all away.”

Friends confirmed the hazy IPA has become McKenzie’s “default setting” over the past two years, largely because it allows him to bypass any genuine personality or preference.

“You don’t really have to commit to anything with a hazy,” said mate Dylan Reeves. “It’s not a lager because then people think you’re simple, but it’s not some weird smoked porter either because that takes too much energy. It just sits safely in the middle. Impossible to go wrong”

McKenzie agreed, saying the beer offered “a soft landing” after a difficult day navigating a bunch of difficult requests.

“It tastes vaguely tropical, everyone else is drinking one and you can sort of sip it thoughtfully while pretending you know what ‘mouthfeel’ means,” he said. “It’s a good fit for me and hard not to just want another one afterwards. It’s my favourite Behemoth brew to be honest.”

Bar staff say they see similar behaviour most nights, particularly among men in puffer jackets quietly recovering from spreadsheet-based employment.

“There’s usually this moment where they look at all twelve taps like they’re deciding whether to make an offer on a house,” said bartender Liv Thompson. “Then they panic and order the hazy because deep down, they’ve already made every other decision they’re capable of making that day.”

At press time, McKenzie was reportedly avoiding another decision by getting a second hazy.

More to come.

The post Man Orders Hazy IPA So He Doesn’t Have To Make Any Other Decisions Tonight appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

I AM YOUR WORLD!

Parents, Sammie and Will, love their 2-year-old, Millie, but have become increasingly frustrated by her devious attempts to derail their rare date nights.

The young parents say their prodigious child has single handedly scheduled major medical emergencies and minor natural disasters, all in an effort to prevent them from giving attention to something, or someone, other than her.

An exasperated Sammie explained, “the first time we tried going to the movies, there was an outbreak of gastro that affected all the local movie theatres. We couldn’t believe it.”

But then, Will said, it happened again: “The following week we thought we’d try our luck at the theatre, but the whole place flooded five minutes before doors opened!”

It was on their fifth attempt at date night that the couple started to believe a greater force was at play. According to Sammie, “we knew by the third gastro plague that this was no coincidence. It was obvious Millie had something to do with this.”

Millie, they say, was a miracle baby whose life was the greatest blessing they ever received. They feel only she could be capable of instigating such diverse and devious diversions to derail date night.

Millie agrees.

Speaking to the Whakataki Times via a toddler translator, Millie claims to be “the world leading block stacker and puzzle solver” as well as “the best baby born on earth,” not to mention “this universe’s most beloved human.”

It was a logical next step, she says, to step into “social deviant, ruiner of lives.”

She admits, however, that not all her parents’ cancelled plans were her doing. The second gastro outburst, Millie says, was due to some cross contamination in the movie theatre’s popcorn machine. But she claimed the victory regardless.

“I am literally their world. Their world is nothing without me. If they try to leave me, they mustn’t expect anything good to come of it.”

More to come.

The post Toddler Plans Medical Emergency, Minor Disaster, To Coincide With Mum And Dads’ Date Nights appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DANGER NEUTRALISED

A Wellington man successfully navigated a high-risk family gathering this weekend after preventing his 69-year-old mother from delivering what experts described as a “freshly downloaded opinion” acquired during the previous evening’s TV news.

The incident occurred shortly after breakfast as three generations of the family gathered around the dining table, creating ideal conditions for the opinion to be deployed.

Witnesses say the man’s mother had already assumed the familiar posture indicating an imminent political statement, including a slight lean forward and the opening words, “Did you hear what the government is doing now?”

Recognising the warning signs, 35-year-old Tom Thompson immediately initiated diversion protocols.

“I could see it loading,” Thompson said.

“You get this look where she’s halfway between annoyed and excited. It’s like she’s just been handed a mission.”

Thompson reportedly interrupted the conversation by asking whether anyone had seen the neighbour’s new fence.

“That bought me about seven minutes.”

When the political opinion later attempted to re-enter the discussion through a comment about healthcare funding, Thompson successfully redirected attention toward a family debate about whether tomatoes belong in a fruit salad or not.

“Honestly, I don’t even know what the latest outrage was supposed to be,” he said.

“I stopped watching the news years ago. Half the time every channel seems to have already decided what you’re meant to think before they tell you what happened.”

His mother, meanwhile, expressed disappointment that several important topics had gone undiscussed.

“I was only saying what everyone is thinking,” she said.

Thompson’s father, who spent most of the conversation quietly eating toast, said the strategy appeared effective.

“She’s forgotten what she was angry about now,” he said.

“Mind you, she’ll probably download something else to be annoyed about tonight.”

Thompson is understood to be preparing several back-pocket diversion topics for the next couple of days, including new shops opening in the local area, grandad’s new dog and which plants to plant in the garden next.

More to come.

The post Millennial Skillfully Diverts Mum Away From Launching Into Freshly Downloaded Political Opinion appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

STATUS SHIFT

For years, the football world operated under the assumption that Lionel Messi and Cristiano Ronaldo were the gravitational centre of attention, pulling the lions’ share of headlines into their orbit.

That theory was challenged this week after both icons were seen quietly circulating a World Cup promo event that was described as “clear proximity-seeking behaviour” around New Zealand defender Tim Payne..

Payne, whose social media following has exploded thanks to an Argentine influencer’s campaign, arrived at a World Cup event to find the two football legends seemingly waiting nearby.

Witnesses say Ronaldo repeatedly positioned himself in the background of photos Payne was taking with fans.

Messi reportedly employed a more subtle strategy, standing close enough to Payne that followers scrolling Instagram might spot him.

Speaking to reporters, Ronaldo denied he was chasing clout.

“Look, Tim is obviously having a moment,” he explained.

“I’m not saying I’d like a collaboration or maybe a tagged post, but if he wanted to do something together I’d certainly be open to discussing it.”

Messi also played down suggestions he was trying to ride Payne’s wave of popularity.

“I’ve achieved a few things in football,” he said.

“But when somebody has over three million followers appear overnight, you pay attention. That’s the sort of growth people dream about.” said the eight-time Ballon d’Or winner.

For his part, Payne, in classic kiwi fashion saw the two megastars, turned to a team mate and said “do you see who that is?” but was then too shy to approach either of them. 

More to come.

The post Messi And Ronaldo Spotted Hovering Around Tim Payne For Clout appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

GLASS HALF FULL

Hastings man Nathan Cooper, 34, has confirmed he now carries his own craft beer glassware to bars “just in case the venue doesn’t really respect the beer properly”.

Cooper, who works in UX design and owns what friends describe as “an unnecessary amount of tote bags”, says he first began bringing his own glass after being served a Behemoth Brewing hazy IPA in “just a standard bloody pint glass”.

“You lose most of the aroma profile straight away,” Cooper explained while carefully unpacking a tulip-shaped glass from a padded laptop sleeve. “People think it’s pretentious but it’s just about getting the beer the way the brewer intended.”

Witnesses say Cooper now quietly arrives at bars carrying what appears to be “a range of fragile scientific equipment”, before politely asking staff to “just pour directly into this one if that’s all good”.

“I’m actually making things easier for everyone,” Cooper said.

“You’d be surprised how many bars still don’t understand presentation. Some places are serving good beer in glasses designed for like, Lion Red. If that’s your thing fair enough, but certain beers need room to open up.”

Friends say the situation escalated after Cooper began briefly rinsing his own glassware in the bathroom beforehand “to neutralise any foreign detergent aromas”.

“He’s still a good bloke,” said mate Jason Reid.

“But there’s definitely a moment now when the beers arrive and Nathan sort of holds his glass up to the light like he’s checking a urine sample.”

Bar staff across Hawkes Bay have reportedly adapted well to the trend, with several admitting they initially assumed Cooper had some kind of severe allergy.

Cooper told reporters that the only thing he’s allergic to is inappropriate glassware.

“You need the right tool for the right job”.

More to come.

The post Craft Beer Guy Brings Own Glassware To Bar To Optimise Experience appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

NO PAYNE NO GAIN

After accidentally becoming the most famous footballer in the country and possibly world overnight, All Whites defender Tim Payne is reportedly now under “crippling international pressure” to continue posting Instagram content despite previously only using the app to upload the odd photo of him playing for the Wellington Phoenix and All Whites.

Payne has exploded from 4,700 followers to over one million in just 48 hours after Argentine influencer El Scarso launched a campaign encouraging football fans to make Payne the “hero” of the FIFA World Cup due to him having the smallest social media following at the tournament.

Payne’s account has now allegedly spiralled into a non-stop content production nightmare.

“People are expecting daily Instagram stories and reels. But gee, I’ve never posted an Insta story and only posted the odd pic of me playing for the Phoenix,” Payne explained, as 50,000 more followers instantly rolled in.

The fullback now has the biggest social media following of any New Zealand football-related account, dwarfing even All Whites captain Chris Wood, who has a comparatively humiliating 162,000 followers.

Meanwhile, the official All Whites, Wellington Phoenix, and Auckland FC accounts are reportedly considering posting thirst traps to stay relevant.

Payne is now apparently frantically filming “a day in the life of Tim Payne” to keep his followers interested and many wannabe influencers and creators are absolutely spewing at his sudden stardom.

More to come

The post Tim Payne Now Feeling Immense Global Pressure To Post More Content appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

FINANCIAL PRUNING

Outside the Beehive today, the nation’s mythical “magic money tree” was seen finally meeting its maker, as Finance Minister Nicola Willis was spotted dragging away what remained of it, dressed in her signature “grim reaper couture”.

Willis reportedly hacked the tree to death with a level of glee she will likely achieve when she eventually does the same to Wellington’s public service bureaucracy. 

From the magic tree’s remains, the Government has managed to harvest a modest yield: $5.5 billion for health, including bowel cancer screening extensions and a future South Auckland hospital site secured in principle, pending alignment of all earthly and celestial conditions.

A further $3 billion was extracted for Defence, mostly spent before it hit the ground on fleet upgrades, personnel pay rises, and general “we should’ve done this earlier” maintenance.

Road cones were quietly repositioned as $1.7 billion was allocated to bypass a dangerous stretch of State Highway 1, while rail received just over a billion .

When asked about the overall tone of the Budget, Willis reportedly paused beside the stump of the magic tree and said, “Look, if it’s magic, it should grow back. If it doesn’t, then maybe it turns out you can’t just borrow money forever with no downside.”

Opposition Leader Chris Hipkins responded by calling the Budget “out of touch”, adding that the Government was ignoring everyday pressures, before reportedly muttering, “There used to be more of that magic tree when I was in charge.”

As for the magic money tree, sources say it may regrow in time for next year’s Budget.  

More to come.

The post BUDGET DAY: Nicola Willis Takes Scythe To Magic Money Tree appeared first on The Whakataki Times.