RADIO SILENCE

ACT Leader David Seymour has expressed disappointment this week after realising that nobody – not a single soul – has asked him about the sharp new Hallensteins suit he proudly wore for Budget Day.

While Finance Minister Nicola Willis has been dragged into a national conversation about whether or not she should’ve been wrapped in locally-sourced designer silk for the unveiling of the country’s books, Seymour says his own outfit has gone heartbreakingly unnoticed.

“I spent a solid twenty-five minutes in the Lambton Quay Hallensteins,” said Seymour, still bristling. “It was between this charcoal slim-fit and a slightly shinier charcoal slim-fit. I went with matte.”

Yet despite his efforts, the media failed to quiz him even once about his wardrobe choices – a clear injustice, according to the Act leader.

“I just think it’s sexist,” Seymour told reporters. “If Nicola’s getting column inches for her frock, why am I not getting attention for my value-conscious two-piece?”

The outrage stems from a now-viral NZ Herald article criticising Willis for wearing a dress from UK-based label Karen Millen on Budget Day – a betrayal so severe, it apparently risks collapsing the entire New Zealand fashion industry.

In response, a group of male National MPs reportedly began loudly discussing their own “Budget Day lewks” on social media. Chris Bishop was overheard saying that his jacket was “from Barkers, actually — made in New Zealand,” and Paul Goldsmith reportedly said his tie was from Farmers.

Seymour, however, remains wounded by the silence.

“I had a feeling this suit was going to make waves. But nothing. Not even a passing comment. Is it because I’m a man? Is it because it was from Hallensteins? Who’s to say.”

Deputy PM Winston Peters was later overheard saying he had “no idea what any of this was about” but could confirm his pocket square was “probably older than the journalist who wrote that article.”

More to come. 

The post NICOLA WILLIS DRESSGATE: Seymour Annoyed No One’s Asked About His New Suit From Hallensteins appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

BROOKY LETS IT FLY

Brooke van Velden has certainly made an impact today.

The Workplace Relations Minister dropped the c-bomb during Parliament today, making waves that even reached 29 year-old builder Blair Russell, from Christchurch, who doesn’t usually engage in political content.

“Ay what? Did she just say c**t? Like in the Beehive?” Russell asked, watching the video again from the couch where he would usually be watching NBA highlights and replays of NRL tries.

Van Velden was given the opportunity to respond to a controversial Sunday Star Times newspaper column by Andrea Vance, which commented on the female ministers who had overseen the recent pay equity shakeup. Van Velden then directly quoted the word, which was not bleeped out, a first for Parliament TV.

“I do not agree with the clearly gendered and patronising language that Andrea Vance used to reduce senior Cabinet ministers, to girlbosses, hype squads, references to girl math and cunts” van Velden said with a steely look of defiance.

Russell by now had watched the video about five times and sent it to a few mates.

“Yeah I might try keep up with this politics stuff a bit more. Might even watch some  Parliament TV next week.”

“Better highlights than my Crusaders this weekend. Go Brooky VV!”

At the time of publication , Russell was seen searching “How do you get the Parliament channel on Freeview” and sending the clip to his group chat with the caption “Brooky not mucking around — bang!”

More to come. 

The post “WAIT, WHAT?”: Local Bloke Snapped Out Of Couch-Based Doom Scroll By Brooky’s C-Bomb appeared first on The Whakataki Times.

DANCING WITH THE STARS

ACT Party leader David Seymour has reportedly found himself fantasising about being stuck in the international space station today. 

Seymour admitted that watching the recent rescue of two astronauts who had been stranded on the International Space Station for nine months made him “a little jealous.”

“Honestly, a broken toilet in zero gravity sounds more manageable than fielding another round of questions about the quality of a handful of free school lunches going slightly wrong,” sighed Seymour, staring wistfully at a NASA livestream, wishing he was not on planet earth..

The ACT leader has been under increasing pressure after the Government’s school lunch programme has recently spiralled into full-blown chaos, especially this week after Libelle, the main food manufacturer tasked with providing over 125,000 lunches per day, went into liquidation.

“Look, like some school lunches, space missions don’t always stick to schedule either. You don’t hear astronauts complaining when they’re stuck in space for nine months, they just get on with it.”

Visibly worn down, Seymour admitted the daily media barrage has him looking for escape routes—ideally ones that involve rocket fuel and exiting earth’s atmosphere..

“Every morning it’s the same—‘David, what about the kids?’ ‘David, why no protein?’ Honestly, I’d take my chances with space debris at this point,” he said. “Out there, no one hear you scream, but also no one can hear you getting grilled by the NZ media!”

NASA has not yet commented on whether they have room for Seymour on their space station at the time of publishing.

More to come. 

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The post Seymour Wishing He Was Stuck In Space Station So He Wouldn’t Have To Deal With School Lunches appeared first on The Whakataki Times.