SELECTION STANDOFF

NZ Rugby has confirmed that 56-test All Black Richie Mo’unga will remain ineligible for national selection until he completes what officials describe as “the sacred rite of NPC participation.”

The decision means Mo’unga must first return to play for Canterbury in the National Provincial Championship , a competition NZ Rugby now considers the “true final exam of elite readiness.”

“Test rugby and multiple Super Rugby titles are one thing,” explained NZ Rugby CEO Steve Lancaster. “But has he done it on a cold Friday night in Invercargill with 4,200 people watching? I don’t think so, and we need to see that from him first.” Lancaster confirmed, despite Mo’unga winning nearly every competition he’s competed in during the past decade.

Despite Mo’unga already being contracted to NZ Rugby with Canterbury and the Crusaders, the rule ensures he must trundle out for Canterbury in the NPC first, which will then catapult him back into the frame for AB’s selection.

All Blacks coach Dave Rennie was blunt when asked about the situation.

“If selection was purely about current ability, he’d be in my squad,” Rennie said. “But NZ Rugby’s introduced a new weird layer where you have to prove you can survive NPC rugby for a couple of games before being considered for the black jersey. He’s contracted to NZ Rugby as well for crying out loud!”

“In most countries, if you’ve mastered international rugby, you don’t get sent back to do regional exams,”  Rennie continued to explain. “But here we are effectively saying: ‘Yes, you’ve done it at the highest level many times before, but have you tried doing it against North Harbour in drizzle? It’s a bit of a virtue signalling exercise if you ask me.”

More to come. 

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SO FAKE

An 11-year-old boy has reportedly dismissed one of rugby’s most legendary figures as “clearly fake” and “AI” after stumbling across highlight footage of Jonah Lomu on YouTube.

Jaxon Webb, a Year 7 student who describes himself as “pretty onto it with AI stuff,” said the clips looked “way too unrealistic to be real human gameplay.”

“I mean, I’ve seen some big runs in rugby in Super Rugby” said Webb, pausing mid-scroll. “But there’s no way someone that size is running that fast and just bowling people over like NPCs. That’s AI, 100%.”

Webb’s skepticism peaked after viewing footage from the 1995 Rugby World Cup, where Lomu famously steamrolled England defender Mike Catt.

“There’s literally a clip where he just runs straight over this dude,” Webb said. “Like, fully flattens him. No sidestep, no nothing. Just deletes him. That doesn’t happen in real life. That’s generated content.”

Jaxon’s mother, Karen Webb, said she wasn’t surprised by her son’s conclusion, admitting she may have contributed to his confusion after repeatedly warning him about the dangers of the internet.

“I always tell him, ‘Don’t believe everything you see online, there’s AI everywhere now,’” she explained. “I didn’t think he’d apply that logic to actual history, but here we are.”

Despite her attempts to clarify that Lomu was, in fact, a real person who terrorised defences for the All Blacks in the 90s and early 2000s, Jaxon remains unconvinced.

“If he was real, why haven’t we seen anyone like him since?” he argued. “Like, where are the other Jonahs? You can’t just have one guy built like that. It doesn’t add up.”

Meanwhile, historians are reportedly bracing for further claims that the All Blacks’ dominance in the 90s was “scripted,” and that VHS tapes may soon be dismissed as “early deepfakes.”

At the time of publication, Jaxon had moved on to watching clips of Christian Cullen, but confirmed he was “keeping an eye out for glitches.”

More to come.

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SPEED RUCKING

The All Blacks have today announced Dave Rennie as the new Head Coach through to the 2027 Rugby World Cup, replacing Scott Robertson who was sacked in January.

Today’s announcement however has left TV personality and former aspiring coach Leigh Hart questioning the selection process.

“I was ready to reinvent the ruck. But instead of going with someone innovative with a keen eye for strategy, like myself, they’ve gone with someone with more practical application, who’s actually coached a rugby team before,” said Hart, while rapidly cooking dinner for his children. 

“This has been a disappointing day.” 

Hart, who has long dreamed of leading the All Blacks, insists his approach would have brought “fresh energy, innovative thinking, and possibly a few pints to team strategy sessions.” Despite this, he remains philosophical.

“Coaching is about vision. I have vision. They have… well… Dave Rennie now,” he quipped.

“Apparently my backyard defensive bomb strategy doesn’t count as professional experience. Who knew? They don’t tell you these things when you apply,” Hart said, referencing how he can apply the defensive bomb to 17 unique scenarios.

“They gave the job to someone who knows what they’re doing. I thought NZR wanted bold ideas. Turns out they just want someone who has experience in coaching.”

“Maybe one day they’ll realise the genius of the defensive bomb,” Hart concluded.

More to come.

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PUB FURY

Bernard “Bernie” Douglas, 72, has had a complete gutsful of the All Blacks coaching situation over the past week.

After Scott Robertson was sensationally sacked by NZ Rugby due to player feedback at the end of season review, Douglas has explained that if the AB’s actually just stopped being drama queens and focussed on tackling and winning test matches, then we wouldn’t have this situation. 

“You don’t fire Razor, you fire half the support staff, give the players a ball, and tell ‘em to sort themselves out. If they can’t tackle a bloke who’s running at them like a charging bull, maybe rugby’s not the sport for them.” Bernie said, chugging back his third pint in a New Plymouth bar.

Bernie blamed the current situation on what he calls “over-sophisticated soft-football syndrome,” a crippling mix of excessive strategy meetings and too much “Bloody Tik-toking or whatever it’s called.” he said with his blood pressure rising.

“Back in my day, you didn’t need a sports psychologist, you needed a bloke beside you who could actually hold his own face steady while he made a tackle!”

As Bernie angrily ordered another drink he had one final word for our reporters.

“The All Blacks will keep spinning in circles until someone remembers that rugby is a game you play with your body, not your feelings. Stop whining about the coaching staff. Tackle properly. Win games. It’s not complicated.”

“And don’t get me started on what I think of the goons at NZ Rugby!”

More to come.

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CAPTAIN FANTASTIC

Ronald Meads, 71, has delivered a blunt warning to New Zealand Rugby: “If Ardie isn’t captain, then you can forget us winning next year’s World Cup.” he said at his local pub in downtown Levin.

Meads, who has been observing All Blacks politics from his favorite pub stool for over four decades, says last week’s axing of coach Scott Robertson was only the beginning. “We need more change, but this time in the leadership group. The players don’t get off scott free after you do that to a great coach!!” Meads vented between sips of a well-earned pint.

While Scott Barrett has been holding the captaincy since 2024, Meads is unconvinced. “Scott’s been alright, don’t get me wrong. But like the coach, we need to see more change,” he said, gesturing vaguely at a nearby dartboard. “Ardie Savea is the one who needs to be leading us from now. We’ve got no hope if he’s not captain, he’s a man of great mana. Look what he’s done with Moana Pasifika!”

Meads, who claims to have watched every All Blacks match since 1969, has a clear vision for the future: “Look, you can’t just shuffle the same blokes around and expect miracles. You need someone with grit, guts, and the kind of hair that strikes fear into opponents. That’s Ardie. But I don’t trust the buggers at NZ Rugby!”

When asked about Barrett’s performance as captain, Meads was diplomatic… almost. “Scott hasn’t been bad. Really, he hasn’t. We just need to see more change. If you change the coach, you’ve got to change the captain.”

As Meads polished off his pint, he leaned in conspiratorially. “Mark my words. If NZ Rugby doesn’t make Savea captain, next year’s World Cup will be just a nice story to tell your grandchildren about how close we almost were and should have made more change when we had the chance!”

More to come.

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HARD FACTS

Craig Chamberlain, 61, from Shirley in Christchurch has boldly declared that Scott “Razor” Robertson’s sacking as All Blacks coach could have been easily avoided, had he simply selected an All Blacks squad made up entirely of Crusaders players, regardless of position, form, or basic logic.

 “This whole ‘player power’ thing wouldn’t have happened at the Crusaders,” he explained. “You never heard anyone complaining there. They were too busy winning. Funny how that works! Players are too worried about their own brands and Instagram captions these days!” Chamberlain vented, looking up at pictures of recent Crusaders title celebrations.

Chamberlain went on to explain that Robertson’s fatal error wasn’t tactics, culture, or player management, but failing to simply recreate the Crusaders dressing room and slap silver fern jerseys on everyone.

“If he’d just done that with the All Blacks, they’d probably lift the World Cup next year,” he said. Get everyone who has represented the Crusaders the past few seasons and get them in a black jersey! Hopefully whoever coaches them next does this. Here’s hoping Robbie Deans gets the job!”

When asked how players from other Super Rugby franchises might fit into this plan, Chamberlain waved the question away.

“They wouldn’t,” he said. “That’s the beauty of it. No player from any other Super Rugby franchise is worthy of pulling on the black jersey over a Crusaders player.”

“Razor tried to be fair,” he concluded. “That’s where he went wrong. Fairness doesn’t win trophies. Crusaders do.”

More to come.

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THE LAST DANCE

New Zealand Rugby’s decision to sack All Blacks coach Scott “Razor” Robertson has taken an unexpected and deeply unnecessary turn, after members of his former breakdancing crew, the New Regent Street Breakers, issued a formal challenge to NZR leadership.

NZ Rugby chair David Kirk confirmed to reporters today that the challenge had been received “late last night,” and, distressingly, was “written completely in vivid permanent marker, using a tagging style graffiti lettering.”

According to the letter, Razor’s old b-boy crew are demanding a “full-scale dance battle” to settle what they describe as “a grave disrespect” to the seven time Super Rugby winning coach and the man who had the All Blacks at a 74% winning record. 

Kirk said NZ Rugby was treating the challenge with “the appropriate level of seriousness.”

“We’re consulting our legal team, our communications advisors,” he said. “We want to make sure any response aligns with our long-term vision for  rugby in this country, albeit without one of NZ’s greatest ever coaches.”

Another member of the crew said the challenge was not about glory, but about standing up for their former leader.

“This is us having Razor’s back,” the source said. “When NZ Rugby turned theirs, we laced up our sneakers. That’s the code. This is the last dance. Hoo hey Razor Ray!”

More to come.

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NARRATIVE RUINED

For years, the All Blacks have enjoyed a comforting safety blanket whenever playing England, with the certainty that should the match go pear-shaped, they could simply point at the opposition’s “lame, soul-crushing, anti-rugby” drop goals and walk away with dignity intact and the scoreline genuinely close.

But after England’s 33–19 win at Twickenham this morning, that cherished coping mechanism has suffered severe structural damage.

“Look, we want to blame the drop goals,” said one shell-shocked All Blacks fan outside the stadium. “They kicked two, which is already two too many. But then… then they started scoring actual tries. What are we supposed to do with that? They played the game like it was meant to be played and beat us in a convincing fashion!”

England’s attacking effort was particularly upsetting to Kiwi sensibilities, as it suggested England had the gall to possess both creativity and functioning attack systems.

In fact they scored four tries to the All Blacks three, meaning they didn’t solely rely on lame penalties or drop goals on their way to a convincing 14 point win.

“It’s strangely surprising but also very frustrating,” muttered another Kiwi fan wearing a 2011 World Cup jersey. “If they’re scoring more tries than us, how do we make fun of them even when they do win?”

“I’ve been blaming English drop goals since 2003 and Johnny Wilkinson, and now this new England crop have genuinely beaten Razor’s All Blacks by scoring more tries than us? This wouldn’t have happened under Ian Foster!”

More to come.

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GRIDIRON GUESSWORK

While most of the rugby world is gearing up for next weekend’s rematch between the All Blacks and Ireland, locals in the Windy City are trying to figure out what exactly is going on.

NZ Rugby is treating the Chicago fixture as a strategic play: a chance to expand the sport’s reach, flex their brand, and subtly remind the world that New Zealand exists and has a very specific way of kicking balls. But for many Americans, the All Blacks are just very tall, very confused men.

Our reporters spoke to locals in Chicago.

“Wait, they’re a sports team, right?” said Morgan Maddison, a barista from downtown Chicago. “I thought they were like… a band . Someone told me they do some kind of dance before games. Like, a ritual? And who? What? Ireland are playing them here?”

The confusion is widespread.

“So they play, like, American football?” asked Hunter Grayson, a college student. “I tried watching the highlights, but no one ever throws the ball forward. And instead of stopping to reset the field, the ref just yells at the players. I just… I give up.”

Even for those vaguely familiar with rugby, the All Blacks’ reputation only adds to the chaos.

NZ Rugby insists that the Chicago game is part of a “bold international expansion strategy,” aimed at positioning the All Blacks as global ambassadors of the sport ahead of the 2031 World Cup.  ”

The All Blacks are scheduled to face Ireland at Soldier Field, a venue more accustomed to American football than haka demonstrations. Locals are being advised to bring an open mind and possibly a dictionary.

More to come.

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HERE WE GO

Barry Griggs, 68, from Stokes Valley in Wellington has once again reminded the nation that no All Blacks coach is safe from the wrath of people in the pub who have opinions.

After New Zealand’s 33–24 win over the Wallabies at Eden Park last night, their 23rd straight Bledisloe Cup triumph, many fans were toasting coach Scott “Razor” Robertson. But not Barry.

“Cam Roigard? Brilliant. Two tries, sharp as a tack, lad’s got a lot of ticker. There’s complete daylight between him and the next best halfback” said Griggs, slamming his Speight’s handle on the bar for emphasis. “But Razor? Don’t talk to me about Razor. Still in my bad books. Bloody dancing round like it’s Riverdance when we haven’t even won a Rugby Championship yet.”

“People say ‘oh but he’s unbeaten in Bledisloe tests as head coach’,” Griggs scoffed, wiping foam from his moustache. “Mate, Fozzie won Bledisloes too, and I didn’t like him either. Winning the Bledisloe is like mowing the lawns, you’re expected to do it against the Aussies, not get a medal for it.”

When asked if he thought Razor had shown tactical nous in unleashing Roigard to start instead of the bench, Griggs nearly choked on his peanuts.

“Don’t give me that! Razor only picked him ’cause he finally got fit again. A blind goat could’ve made that call. If Razor had his way, he’d have the whole past Crusaders team starting! Is he really any better than Fozzie?”

Despite the All Blacks extending Australia’s misery for a 23rd year, Griggs said Razor still had much to prove.

“I’ll tell you what, son,” he said, stabbing the bar with his finger. “You don’t get into my Good Book for doing a breakdance after a win over the Wallabies. Win a World Cup, then we’ll talk. Until then, Cam’s the only bugger worth writing down in gold ink.”

At press time, Griggs was overheard telling a stranger in the pokies lounge that Razor’s All Blacks were definitely going to lose against the Wallabies in Perth next week.

More to come. 

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